Questioning Relationships, Ethics, Self, and Success

 

“Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.”

-- John Wooden

 

How do you deal with an employee who sabotages other people’s hard work?

They need to be terminated. They’re also sabotaging the company that hired them. This is unacceptable behavior on any level. People are working hard to move the company forward and this putz takes it upon themselves to undo all the work. I’d fire them immediately.

What gives you happiness apart from Money?

Life! The alternative simply sucks.

Why do we need to make a promise?

You don’t, and only make promises you intend to keep. A promise is an ethical contract between two parties. They need you, and you give your word, your promise, to be there. Your word is, in all reality, your bond. If you break a promise, you break your word, and what does that say about you, as a person? You don’t “need” to make a promise, but, if you do, you’d be well-served to keep your word.

Do you fear the dark?

I don’t fear the dark, per se. I fear the absence of any light, whatsoever. I can fight what I can almost see. I would not do well blind.

What is the meaning of the phrase, "don't mistake kindness for weakness" or if in a sentence someone says to you "by me helping you with this loan don't mistake my kindness for weaknesses"?

You shouldn’t feel you can drink from the trough whenever you feel like it. Basically, don’t take advantage of the goodwill being shown to you this time. Having said this, I’m one to make loans to good friends who have a need and a reason. I write up a contract, and we both sign it. I make a small profit from it. This shows them that there is friendship, and there is business, and I will not mix the two. I have a friend who took this a step further and wrote a contract to loan money to their son. Bravo! The son was put out over it, but it sent the message that family is here for them, but there is a lesson to be learned - there is no such thing as a “free lunch” no matter who you are.

“Don't mistake my kindness for weakness. I am kind to everyone, but when someone is unkind to me, weak is not what you are going to remember about me.”

-- Al Capone

How much of your self-perception is built from the culture you live in?

Probably the majority of it, and that’s a good thing.

I was an outcast for most of my childhood. I was small, had thick glasses, and was high-active which made me seem immature. My school grades suffered.

I was bullied until my senior year of high school, and then my self-perception changed. I took a tree branch to a bully. I started goading bullies to hit someone smaller than they were, especially if their girlfriend was present, so girls could see what kind of “man” they thought they had. I started studying and managed to barely make graduation.

Things changed in college. I soaked up psychology and was headed to Stanford with a professor’s letter of recommendation for the psychology program when I was drafted into the military. With my psychology education, the Air Force took me into the Intelligence arena where I stayed for almost 23 years. While in, I still stood up for those that were picked on. I learned things there I wish I’d known in school, like the multiple uses for a cheap plastic picnic butter knife.

When I retired, I went to work for an Institutional Review Board as a patient advocate for human pharmaceutical research, still protecting those who were at risk. Seventeen years later I would become a pastor, a chaplain, and finally a mentor, still helping others.

So, yes, I suppose my self-perception, and the perception others have of me, is a product of a culture that allowed bullying in school, and my ability to rise above adversity to become something better.

Identity: Do you feel you know yourself?

Intimately.

How do you make a choice when you hear two different voices on the verge of making a decision when one is telling you do and the other one is saying don’t?

At this point, you should have already been down this road, yourself. If you haven’t, then put the decision off until you do the “due diligence” you should have done in the first place, and then weigh the pros and cons against your desires, and make the best decision you can. If you fail, remember that failure is simply an opportunity to learn.

Why would some people love you as much as they will use you?

This will never happen unless I allow it for my own reasons and, then, the real question becomes, who is using whom?

What sacrifices have you made to escape poverty?

Hard work. Is that a sacrifice? My parents would say it is a responsibility to be a productive member of society. Work hard, invest your money wisely, and stay out of debt. Remember, it isn’t what’s in your wallet, but who is in your wallet that you need to worry about. Who is it that you owe? Who are you working for, other than your job? If you owe anyone, you are an “indentured servant” to them, and that might mean you'll never see another day free of debt.

“To rise out of poverty you must change your way of thinking. You can’t live in abundance with impoverished thoughts.”

-- Germany Kent

Why is it better, if you want to know the truth, to look for reasons you're wrong than right?

Keep an open mind, especially when dealing with yourself. Just because you think you’re right, doesn’t mean you are. Always assume you might be wrong and then go about proving it. If you can’t prove you’re wrong, then you can now assume you might be right until your answer is validated.

If you’re talking to others, always ensure you qualify your answer as a “maybe” if you aren’t sure, and only be sure when your answer can be validated by a competent authority. If you’re always trying to serve up the truth, you will almost never be wrong.

What is one regret that old people never have?

Finding true happiness. Many, however, might regret never finding it.

How become a hardworking and perfectionist?

Work hard. This part isn’t rocket science. While you work hard, strive for excellence in everything you do. Why? Because there is no such thing as perfection. Excellence is the most anyone can hope for, so be the most excellent you can be, at whatever you choose to do.

What do you do when it feels like you are surrounded by negativity and hostile energy from your close friends and family? And feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders and you are barely making it each day?

I’d find new friends and disown my family. Luckily, I choose my friends well, and my family is only negative for a cause. If the weight of the world is on my shoulders, it is usually because I’ve allowed it to be there through some stupid choices I’ve made. I go back and remedy those choices and remove the “weight of the world,” or I learn from what I did so it doesn’t repeat.

Asking “why” and being honest with your answers, usually reveals what we’ve allowed through choices, or what someone did to us, for us to have misery. We can usually fix what we’ve allowed, but what others do to us is more difficult. If we continue to allow what they’ve done to affect us, they will continue to hurt us indefinitely. Better for us to find a way to remove the hurt and press on with life.

I unplugged my wife's phone after it was charged. There was another man on a text that was saying he loves her and her too. What should I do?

Confront her. Talking to us isn’t going to solve anything.

“I do not lack the courage to tell you how I feel. What I fear is how you will react to it.”

-- Bram Stoker

When is enough ever enough? Why do people who have lost everything, still keep doing what hurts them & others?

Ignorance, and a refusal, mostly through denial, to understand “why” they lost everything. So, they keep on keeping on. I think hurting others is their selfish way to try and bring everyone else down with them. The best thing others can do is not allow it. If they want you to join them in their pit of misery, just say no.

How do you leave your spouse?

Get a lawyer.

I don’t want to live with my wife but I’m living with her for my parents and my child. Our sex relationship ended a year ago. She also wants to leave me. What can we do?

If you both want to end it, do it and do it amicably. A friendly divorce is better than a messy one. This loveless relationship benefits no one, especially not the child. Your parents aren’t married to her, you are, so suck it up buttercup. You have to do what’s best for all of you, but most importantly, what is in the best interest of the child. The two of you really need to sit down and discuss this fully and keep your child in mind. Visitation and child support are very important. I tried to save my marriage for 25 years. I was flogging a dead horse. Better you should both move on. 

How are you different from your best friend?

We have a range of differences, just as we have a range of similarities. We enjoy the differences just as we enjoy the similarities. We also enjoy doing things with other people or alone. Our differences are what make us unique, and we celebrate that aspect. I like to fish, drink bourbon, smoke a cigar, watch SciFi, etc., and they like watching crime drama, true crime stories, news, and old movies. I find this with most of my friends. Our differences are what make us unique, it makes us who we are.

What are some signs of maturity?

Self-control, tolerance, understanding, good communication skills, selflessness, good manners, and respect for others.

“Critics who treat 'adult' as a term of approval, instead of as a merely descriptive term, cannot be adult themselves. To be concerned about being grown up, to admire the grown-up because it is grown up, to blush at the suspicion of being childish; these things are the marks of childhood and adolescence. And in childhood and adolescence, they are, in moderation, healthy symptoms. Young things ought to want to grow. But to carry on into middle life or even into early manhood this concern about being adult is a mark of really arrested development. When I was ten, I read fairy tales in secret and would have been ashamed if I had been found doing so. Now that I am fifty I read them openly. When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown-up.”

-- C.S. Lewis

My girlfriend wants me to quit football, am I being selfish?

Or, is she?

What are the best tips for depression and being successful in life?

Depression is a choice. You are allowing yourself to be depressed, so stop allowing it. Once you’ve made this good choice, it will be easier for you to find true happiness in life. Happiness, regardless of what others tell you, is the real “success” for your life. Everything else is simply attaining goals through hard work and perseverance. You can attain goals without being truly happy, so true happiness must be “true success” in life.

Who is watching you when you think you are home alone?

Aliens, and “Big Brother” are my guess. They both use the HDTV to spy on me.

What is a lesson you learned from a personal failure?

How I was supposed to choose a “significant other” for life. Failure really is the best way we learn. I’m only sorry it cost me so much to find out.

What is the best way to be sweet and not get hurt?

Be “sweet” but don’t get involved.

“We love with all our heart but we also keep our heart light and pliable. It has space. It breathes. It waits on life to give instructions. It sings with sweetness when the winds are soft and warm. It stands with calm patience when the storm is brewing. It lets go when endings have left their irrefutable mark. It moves. It heals. It hopes.”

-- Donna Goddard

Editor's Note

(Re: disclaimer cum "get out of jail free" card)

Before you go getting your panties in a bunch, it is essential to understand that this is just an opinion site and, as such, can be subjected to scrutiny by anyone with a differing opinion. It doesn't make either opinion any more right or wrong than the other. An opinion, presented in this context, is a way of inciting others to think and, hopefully, to form opinions of their own, if they haven't already done so. This is also why, occasionally, I will present an "opinion" just to stir an emotional pot. Where it may sound like I agree with the statements made, I'm more interested in getting others to consider an alternate viewpoint. 

It is my fervent hope that we keep open and active minds when reading opinions and while engaging in peaceful and constructive discussion, in an arena of mutual respect, concerning those opinions put forth. After over twenty years with military intelligence, I have come to believe engaging each other in this manner and in this arena is the way we will learn tolerance and respect for differing beliefs, cultures, and viewpoints.

We all fall from grace, some more often than others; it is part of being human. God's test for us is what we learn from the experience, and what we do afterward.

Pastor Tony spent 22 years with the United States Air Force Intelligence as a planner, analyst, briefer, instructor, and senior manager. He spent 17 years, following his service career, working with the premier, world-renowned, Institutional Review Board helping to protect the rights of human subjects involved in pharmaceutical research. Ordained 1n 2013 as an "interfaith" minister, he founded the Congregation for Religious Tolerance in response to intolerance shown by Christians toward peaceful Islam. As the weapon for his war on intolerance he chose the pen, and wages his "battle" in the guise of the Congregation's official online blog, The Path, of which he is both author and editor. "The Path" offers a vehicle for commentary and guidance concerning one's own personal, spiritual, path toward peace and the final destination for us all. He currently resides in Pass Christian, Mississippi, where he volunteered as a chaplain at the regional medical center.

Feel free to contact Pastor Tony:  tolerantpastor@gmail.com