Questioning Authority, Mistakes, Love, and Flirting

“Flirting is a woman’s trade, one must keep in practice.”

-- Charlotte Brontë

How do I cast a revenge spell with a white candle?

If you believe in “spells” then you must, also, believe in karma. The revenge you cast will come back to visit you, sooner or later.

How can you not give up on juicy opportunities that you know are precious to you and for which there won't be a second chance, but you just don't have the right mindset to seize them at that very moment? Should you dare anyway?

We learn by doing. Take the dare. If you fail you learn. Learn as much as you can so you can be prepared to attain the goal. I find it hard to believe there won’t be a second chance in anything but war, and even that can be questioned. If your mindset is the issue, then you might want to work on that and get your head screwed on right. If the opportunities are that “precious to you” then you have to get your head in the game.

What is something you would never put on your bucket list that is commonly added to other people’s lists?

Skydiving

If you're happy in your relationship you shouldn’t be thinking of your past?

Is this a statement or a question? What has past is memory, and what is future is unwritten, but what is in the moment is at hand. We learn from thinking of our past so we can do better in the present to ensure a happier future.

Were you ever told when or when not to take your break for lunch by someone who had absolutely no authority over you? What did you do?

Yes, in the military. I ignored them because they weren’t my supervisor. They came back on me and I advised them to go talk to my supervisor. They were stupid enough to take me up on that and got their ass chewed for giving me instructions that differed from the ones my super gave me. In a chain of command, you only have one boss. If your boss isn’t available, then his boss is over you, and so on. If someone breaks that chain, chaos is inevitable.

“One of the authors, then a department head, found that this worked when a colleague was trying to manipulate and bully him (about office space); looking right at the colleague and loudly saying, “Don't mess with me, Jack. I teach negotiations!” made him back off. Jack was much nicer from then on, because he assumed his ploys wouldn't work.”

-- Allan R. Cohen

How do you own up to past mistakes?

How do you not? If they're your mistakes, you own them. A good sense of ethics defines who you are to those around you. Most people are smart enough to smell truth from fiction, so what they think of you is predicated on your ownership of things you do. It might not be comfortable, but you’ll find the mistakes becoming fewer and your honesty becoming easier.

How and why can fears be unlearned?

Desire and need. If you desire to learn to swim, you also learn to ignore your fear of water. If you’re thrown into the deep end of the pool, you need to learn to swim or you’ll drown.

What is one thing you wish you could say to them?

Uh… Who is “them”?

Is it really possible to get rid of the ego?

You can mitigate your self-esteem or self-importance, but the ego also “mediates between the conscious and the unconscious and is responsible for reality testing and a sense of personal identity.” I’m not sure how well we would operate if we didn’t test our reality and differentiate between the conscious and unconscious mind.

My boyfriend went to a party with the one girl I told him I was uncomfortable about. He left me on the street to go with her. Should I end it after 4 years?

Do you like being used and abused? You need to send him a clear message that his behavior is unacceptable.

"Starting to feel just a little abused Like a coffee machine in an office."

-- Shakira

How important is love to you, and why?

Very important. My worst fear is dying alone. On the flip side, however, my greatest joy is loving others. So, love is important to me at both ends of the scale between fear and joy, and in between.

What is one thing that can destroy you?

Death.

What is one thing you should make absolutely sure you don't do while you're dating?

Don’t ever “show your ass.” Don’t be a jerk, to anybody. Don’t act out. You’re supposed to be putting your best foot forward and acting like a perfect gentleman or lady. Showing the ass you’re capable of being is one way to not get a second date, if you even make it through the first.

When should people quit a relationship?

When there is no “good” to be had in the relationship. Why stay when nothing is working? Better to go find true happiness than to beat your fists against a cinderblock wall.

Would you date a woman who slept around with a huge amount of men and had a wild sex life, tho she is deeply in love with you for real, and keeps telling you she only cares about you? Would you date her?

Not a chance in hell. The odds are she isn’t done with her “wild sex life.” And, I have no idea what multiple STDs she’s harboring. We can be friends and we can have plutonic dates, but I’d have to be honest with her… my little “winky” is going nowhere near her.

“Here’s what I would never, ever admit out loud: a part of me always thought it was some kind of secret compliment when someone got called a slut. It meant you were having sex. Which meant people wanted to have sex with you. Being a slut just meant you were normal. But I think maybe I’m wrong about that.”

-- Becky Albertalli

Is walking away from someone the kindest thing you can do rather than stand there and list the reasons you don't want them?

It sounds kind of cowardly, to me. Don’t you want them to know what areas you find questionable? They may not be aware that they have issues others may also see. You telling them will offer them a chance to do some introspection and, maybe, correct what they might not see as an issue. What’s the worst that can happen? They get mad and walk away from you? Well, you attained your goal, then. Right?

Reader comment: I think it depends on the issues. Some things are physical aversion. Others might be a lifestyle. How much of the aversion is simply personal preference?

I can see not wanting to list off all of the reasons, and I personally have never done that. I think that could be too hurtful to the ex-partner.

My reply: So, you don't want to list all of the reasons, like a "physical" aversion?  Why not?  It is, after all,  a shallow reason for not liking someone.  The question never intimated the person was an "ex-partner" or even a friend, it only asks if you should give them the courtesy of your time.

How can we tell if our cheating boyfriend still loves us?

He’s cheating. Any “love” he feels is a definition in progress.

How do you become friends with someone you used to know that is the opposite sex without it being weird?

So, you used to be friends but aren’t anymore, or you knew them but weren't friends? Regardless, becoming friends isn’t, ever, weird. Try talking to them about life and their opinions, be a good listener, and start out small by having coffee and small talk. If friendship is going to grow, it will. You might even find an opening to ask how they feel about being friends.

Why does my ex text me just to ask me, "How am I doing?"?

How would you know how he’s doing? 

Is life really simple?

Life is about learning lessons so you can make appropriate choices and decisions. How much more simple can life be? It’s when we make bad choices and decisions that life becomes difficult. Make the conscious choice to be truly happy always and in all things, regardless of your circumstances, make the best choices and decisions you can, and life will, at least, be bearable, if not really simple. 

“A simple life is not seeing how little we can get by with—that’s poverty—but how efficiently we can put first things first. . . . When you’re clear about your purpose and your priorities, you can painlessly discard whatever does not support these, whether it’s clutter in your cabinets or commitments on your calendar.”

-- Victoria Moran

What does it mean to have a bestie who is of the opposite sex?

It means you don’t judge your “bestie” by what sex they are. You’re an EOBH - equal opportunity bestie haver.

How do I know if I am texting him too much? I text him almost every day. He always responds.

Ask him. If he feels it’s too much he should feel comfortable letting you know.

How do I set boundaries for men?

If they don’t know the boundaries, what are they supposed to do? You set boundaries by telling them what the boundaries are. Men are pretty simple.  You say, they do.  If they cross the boundaries, they can’t say they didn’t know.  Well, they'll say they didn't know, but they'll know they did. 

Is a guy flirting with a girl if he said “I want to see you again”?

It doesn’t get much clearer.

What do I do if I like my best friend and he sometimes flirts with me?

Flirt back, silly.

“Flirting is a promise of sexual intercourse without a guarantee.”

-- Milan Kundera

Editor's Note

(Re: disclaimer cum "get out of jail free" card)

Before you go getting your panties in a bunch, it is essential to understand that this is just an opinion site and, as such, can be subjected to scrutiny by anyone with a differing opinion. It doesn't make either opinion any more right or wrong than the other. An opinion, presented in this context, is a way of inciting others to think and, hopefully, to form opinions of their own, if they haven't already done so. This is also why, occasionally, I will present an "opinion" just to stir an emotional pot. Where it may sound like I agree with the statements made, I'm more interested in getting others to consider an alternate viewpoint. 

It is my fervent hope that we keep open and active minds when reading opinions and while engaging in peaceful and constructive discussion, in an arena of mutual respect, concerning those opinions put forth. After over twenty years with military intelligence, I have come to believe engaging each other in this manner and in this arena is the way we will learn tolerance and respect for differing beliefs, cultures, and viewpoints.

We all fall from grace, some more often than others; it is part of being human. God's test for us is what we learn from the experience, and what we do afterward.

Pastor Tony spent 22 years with the United States Air Force Intelligence as a planner, analyst, briefer, instructor, and senior manager. He spent 17 years, following his service career, working with the premier, world-renowned, Institutional Review Board helping to protect the rights of human subjects involved in pharmaceutical research. Ordained 1n 2013 as an "interfaith" minister, he founded the Congregation for Religious Tolerance in response to intolerance shown by Christians toward peaceful Islam. As the weapon for his war on intolerance he chose the pen, and wages his "battle" in the guise of the Congregation's official online blog, The Path, of which he is both author and editor. "The Path" offers a vehicle for commentary and guidance concerning one's own personal, spiritual, path toward peace and the final destination for us all. He currently resides in Pass Christian, Mississippi, where he volunteered as a chaplain at the regional medical center.

Feel free to contact Pastor Tony:  tolerantpastor@gmail.com