Responsibility for Happiness (Updated from 6/15/2014)

"I can't be responsible for everybody else's happiness"

--Anonymous

"I can't be responsible for everybody else's happiness."  The author of this quote isn't anonymous to me, but I know he would appreciate not being assigned to this quote.  He had a valid point though.  Everyone seemed to expect him to make their miserable lives easier or happier, one way or another, as he became more and more unhappy in his own life.  Finally, one day, he threw up his arms in disgust and this truth, this quote, issued forth from his pie hole.  Well, who can blame him?  I hear his type of story from lots of folks, time and time again.  I also hear the other side, wondering why some so-and-so is making their life so hard or miserable, or why others just can't let them be happy.  The question was actually put to me, "Why don't they want me to be happy?"  Well, I don't know. And, in reality, I don't really care.  What I'm hearing is masochism; letting someone else control your misery.

"Don't wait around for other people to be happy for you.  Any happiness you get you've got to make yourself."

--  Amy Walker

Why concern yourself with why someone doesn't want you to be happy?  I will try to make this simple, as if it isn't simple enough already, by offering up this example:  You are happy.  People come into your life who make you unhappy.  What do you do to make yourself happy again?  Don't overthink it with concerns of what their motives are, who they are, how they could do this to you, and such.  You were happy before, and now you aren't.  Why?  The obvious answer is, these people are making you unhappy.  Human nature is to dwell on why they're doing it, and, as I always say, "why" is the most important question to ask.  The answer in this instance, however, is you deflecting blame onto someone else, instead of owning it.

"Why?"  When we ask this question we can usually save much time by looking to ourselves first.  If people are making you unhappy, why are you around them?  Why do you allow them to stay in your life?  Ultimately, you are responsible for your life.  

You make a choice and get a consequence.  If you feel there is a problem, start over and make a better choice.  You asked why you were unhappy and answered it - the people in your life.  If you want to dwell on another why, why they're doing it, for instance, then it might be best to do so after you make yourself happy again.  The solution is as obvious as the problem - get shed of the people you are allowing to make you miserable.

"Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action."

--  Benjamin Disraeli (1804-1881)

Only after distancing yourself from the misery, insinuating itself into your life, can you then pay attention to why these people are the way they are. Personally, I'm not sure I would really care.  Their shortcomings, immaturity, and opinions would be of little concern to my big picture.  I was fine before I knew them and I will be fine again without them.

"You must try to generate happiness within yourself.  If you aren't happy in one place, chances are you won't be happy anyplace."

--  Ernie Banks

But, is answering this question more important than feeling happiness?  No, absolutely not.  People love to overthink their happiness or lack thereof.  Overthinking just makes a task harder than it has to be.  People spend their lives chasing after happiness when their happiness is actually running like hell to keep up.  Happiness is all around us because we already have it.  We are too damn busy, as usual, coming up with a multitude of reasons not to see the forest for the trees.  I am a fan of a riveting inspirational speaker, from years ago - Leo Buscaglia.  He spoke of love, life, and friendship in a way that made you want to hear more.  He made a timeless statement about happiness: "What we call the secret of happiness is no more a secret than our willingness to choose life."

So, why do we try to enable other people to be in charge of whether we are happy, or not?  What sense does that make?  Why would you listen to some other miserable son of a bitch tell you how you should feel? They're miserable, and you believe them?  You need to be responsible for your own happiness; not your lover, spouse, friends, or family.  You need to start holding yourself accountable for you.

"Happiness depends upon ourselves"

-- Aristotle

Sometime around the end of the first century, the historian Plutarch said, "Do not speak of your happiness to one less fortunate than yourself."  With all due respect to early Greek philosophy, bullshit!  Better you drown someone in your happiness than you allow them to drown you in their misery.  Lift them up and give them hope!  You don't need to brag or lord it over them, but use your happiness as a tool to show them things can be better, and it is within them to make it so.  The biggest barrier to happiness is to constantly worry about crap you have no control over.  Let it go!  Rather, work on those things upon which you can effect some positive change.

"There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of will."

-- Epictetus

You cannot be responsible for anyone else's happiness, and you shouldn't expect to be.  Everyone needs to take ownership of their own lives.  Would you let a stockbroker invest your hard-earned money? Of course not.  Then, why would you let someone else dictate your happiness or lack thereof?  Why would you let a priest pave your way to heaven when you know damned well that God sees that you have done nothing to help yourself?  No trip into happiness is really complete without visiting the fanciful literature of an author/philosopher who cuts open the human soul for all to see.  He considered "happiness" to be in the "details."   Of course, I speak of Donatien Alphonse François, the Marquis de Sade: "Happiness is ideal; it is the work of the imagination."

As usual, this post is just my opinion, and I never forget that we all have at least one opinion of our own.  If you're still feeling sorry for yourself, understand that you're the only one, so knock it off!  Try reading this post again, and again, until you come up with a mature opinion that makes some sense for you and your happiness.  Stop deflecting responsibility for your happiness onto other people who probably don't care, anyway.  And, stop caring about the happiness of others until you find happiness for yourself.  If you can't heal and love yourself, care for, and have faith in yourself, how in God's name can you truly do any of this for someone else?  If someone else dictates an idea of happiness for you, is it really your idea of what happiness is, or theirs?  

"Happiness is an inside job. Don't assign anyone else that much power over your life."

-- Mandy Hale

Editor's Note

(Re: disclaimer cum "get out of jail free" card)

Before you go getting your panties in a bunch - it is essential to understand that this is just an opinion site and, as such, can be subjected to scrutiny by anyone with a differing opinion. It doesn't make either view any more right or wrong than the other. Opinion, presented in this context, is a way of inciting others to think and, hopefully, to form their own opinions, if they haven't already done so. This is also why, occasionally, I will present an "opinion" just to stir an emotional pot. Where it may sound like I agree with the statements made, I'm more interested in getting others to consider an alternate viewpoint.

I fervently hope that we keep open and active minds when reading opinions, and while engaging in peaceful and constructive discussion, in an arena of mutual respect, concerning those opinions offered. After twenty-three years of military intelligence, I have come to believe that engaging each other in this manner, and in this arena, is a way we will learn tolerance and respect for differing beliefs, cultures, and viewpoints.

We all fall from grace, some more often than others; it is part of being human. God's test for us is what we learn from the experience... and what we do afterward.

Pastor Tony spent 22 years with United States Air Force Intelligence as a planner, analyst, briefer, instructor, and senior manager. Following his service career, he spent 17 years working with the premier and world-renowned Western Institutional Review Board, helping to protect the rights of human subjects involved in pharmaceutical research. He also served 8 years on the Board of Directors for the Angela J. Bowen Foundation.

Ordained 1n 2013 as an "interfaith" minister, he founded the Congregation for Religious Tolerance in response to intolerance shown by Christians toward peaceful Islam. As a weapon for his war on intolerance... he chose the pen. He wages his "battle" in the guise of the Congregation's official online blog, The Path, of which he is both author and editor. "The Path" offers a vehicle for commentary and guidance concerning one's personal, spiritual path toward peace and the final destination for us all. He resides in Pass Christian, Mississippi, where he volunteered as the lead chaplain at a regional medical center. 

Feel free to contact Pastor Tony at: tolerantpastor@gmail.com