Father's Day: Time to "Man Up" (Updated from 6/9/2014)

 

“Much of life, fatherhood included, is the story of knowledge acquired too late: if only I’d known then what I know now, how much smarter, abler, stronger, I would have been. But nothing really prepares you for kids, for the swells of emotion that roll through your chest like the rumble of boulders tumbling downhill, nor for the all-enveloping labor of it, the sheer mulish endurance you need for the six or seven hundred discrete tasks that have to be done each and every day. Such a small person! Not much bigger than a loaf of bread at first, yet it takes so much to keep the whole enterprise going. Logistics, skills, material; the only way we really learn is by figuring it out as we go along, and even then it changes on us every day, so we’re always improvising, which is a fancy way of saying that we’re doing things we technically don’t know how to do.”

-- Ben Fountain

I originally wrote the post on May 28, 2014, to get a jump on this celebration of fatherhood.  It occurred to me, upon reflection, that I missed addressing the obvious "at risk" population - the forgotten children and the abused children wishing they would be forgotten.  How do they "celebrate" the day?  Do they even care anymore? This year I am rethinking this post.  As a "not the greatest" father of two I have learned so much.  They are grown and have become responsible adults, despite the marital strife that plagued me for 25 years.  

Now, I have been "adopted" as the father of another beautiful young lady. She has managed to humble me, further than I humble myself.

One would think "fatherhood" is a question that requires a delicate touch, and nothing could be farther from the truth.  Ask a real father; ask a real man.  For a real father, this is a very simple question.  Just as a real mother feels for all children, a real father can, also, be a "father" to all children.  A father can mentor any child.  A father can protect any child.  A father can show a real father's love to any child.  The child simply needs to ask.  Of course, in today's age of rampant perversion, it is incumbent upon a father to address this situation with the child's mother or guardian and go from there.  A real man would never consider harming a child, and certainly, a real father would die first. 

We are, after all, not that far removed from apes and monkeys.  Watching the simian societies can teach us much about how to raise our own young.  I am always amazed, as I watch nature films on these populations, at how closely related we really are.  Some would point out that we have progressed so far beyond our simian roots, we have forgotten how to treat each other as one large extended family. But have we really progressed that far?  Predatory males from outside the group occasionally raid in order to woo, or rape, an unsuspecting female leaving her to raise the offspring.  If we see that this activity seems to mirror humanity, one would hope we would also follow the simian societal value of accepting, mentoring, and protecting the offspring, regardless of their origin.  We, humans, are capable of this same behavior.  Have we forgotten?  If so, how sad is this for us, and how much sadder for the children?

We are our brother's keeper.  I have issues with this statement.  Are we our children's keepers?  Absolutely!  Do not visit the sins of the mother or father upon the children.  The children are our future; they have no control over the idiots that gave them life.  Most importantly, I think it is incumbent upon all real men to protect children, all children, not just their own.  The options, if we don't, can be frightening for the child as child predators abound in our society.

If you do nothing else on your journey through life, consider mentoring a fatherless child.  Regardless of their age, give them hope, a role model, sage advice, and be the rock they can use as a foundation for their future, and for ours.  They will love you for your effort, and your caring heart.  They will not soon forget.

"It is easier for a father to have children than for children to have a real father."

-- Pope John XXIII

And, with this statement from Pope John XXIII, we can define the problem with our society today:  Males not acting like fathers or just outright abandoning their children and their responsibilities.  I use the term "males" here as it pertains to the sex of the individual.  The fact that they don't live up to their responsibilities as a father, makes them so much less of a man as to cause other real men to shun them as cowards.  So, let us be clear on this point:  If you shun your responsibility as a father you are a coward, period!  There is no excuse a male can use to make this seem right.  If the mother prevents you from being a father and you are not constantly in court fighting for your rights, you are also a lazy coward.  The only excuse for not fighting for your rights is the harm that the children have already experienced.  This was my reasoning.  My children had already been through so much.  A court battle would be taking it over the top.  My hope was that they would see the light.

Our young people today are failing, and it can, for the most part, be traced back to the lack of a male parent taking responsibility.  If you are a man and know a male that falls into this category, you have a responsibility as a man to tell him he needs to man up and do the right thing.  As a man you need to take action and make sure he understands how he is failing himself as a man, and the child as a father.

There is absolutely nothing more important in our lives than the children, and anybody that abuses or neglects their child is a criminal and I personally think they should be castrated so they cannot have more children to mentally abuse.  But, then, I take a much harder line on this for the sake of the abused children and because our legal system to protect them is a joke.  I would harp on abortion, but this is another failure in society better covered as a "stand-alone" topic concerning legalized murder or innocence.

"Be a dad.  Don't be "Mom's Assistant"...Be a man...Fathers have skills that they never use at home.  You run a business and you can't dress and feed a four-year-old?  Take it on.  Spend time with your kids...It won't take away your manhood, it will give it to you.

-- Louis C.K.

My dad was a good father.  He taught me values, occasionally at the expense of my butt cheeks as he laid a two-inch leather belt across them while telling me how much more it was hurting him.  The pain I felt my ass go through told me he was full of crap.  It took me becoming a father to understand what he meant.  Child abuse, you say?  No.  I deserved every bit of the corporal punishment he meted out.  I firmly believe if he hadn't done everything he did, I wouldn't be here today.  I was a seriously "high-active" handful.  Mom constantly put herself between us as I got older; fearing that one of us would go too far.  Mom was a smart lady.

"My mother protected me from the world and my father threatened me with it."

-- Quentin Crisp

I remember her putting the fear of God in me one day saying, "Wait until your father gets home!"  He came home and I locked myself in the bathroom, forgetting you can open it with a thin slot screwdriver in the little hole.  I realized this fact almost too late. The door knob jiggled and I had one leg out the window.  The door flew open, I leaped to freedom, and I could hear my dad yelling, from the bathroom window, the inevitable truth:  I would have to come home sometime.  And, as was usual, he was always right.  Through all of this, and more, another "inevitable truth" was constant throughout my life:  I loved my father with all my heart.

As a child, he took me fishing, hunting, and camping.  He taught me the rudimentary aspects of survival that would be built upon during my military career in the Intelligence field.  He was "engaged" in my life.  When I had my motorcycle accident in high school and damned near killed myself, he chewed my ass for scaring my mother half to death.  He made sure I got the best of care.  I knew I had scared him as well.  When I signed up for the Air Force, he fell asleep in his chair with the recruiting brochures open on his chest with fond memories of his own time in the Air Force.

What Is A Dad? 

A dad is someone who

wants to catch you before you fall

but instead picks you up,

brushes you off,

and lets you try again. 

A dad is someone who

wants to keep you from making mistakes

but instead lets you find your own way,

even though his heart breaks in silence

when you get hurt. 

A dad is someone who

holds you when you cry,

scolds you when you break the rules,

shines with pride when you succeed,

and has faith in you even when you fail...

-- Unknown

Good or bad, my dad was never indifferent; he was engaged.  He was the rock I learned values from.  He was the man I tried to grow up to be.  I succeeded in many ways, surpassed him in a few, and failed in a few, as well.  He said I always made him proud.  I would like to think that is true.  I would like to think that, returning to be with him in his later years, after his first stroke, proves this.  I can think of nothing else I would have rather done.  He was my father, after all, and I loved him dearly.

I would also like to think that I was at least half the father he was.  I'm not sure if I measured up.  My son says I have nothing to be ashamed of.  He may be right as both of my children have turned out so much better than I could have ever dreamed.  I hope I had some small hand in it, especially where my daughter is concerned.  The only thing she ever wanted to be was a mother, and she has aced that.  She proved that the apple rolling far from the tree can be a good thing.

"The father of a daughter is nothing but a high-class hostage. A father turns a stony face to his sons, berates them, shakes his antlers, paws the ground, snorts, runs them off into the underbrush, but when his daughter puts her arm over his shoulder and says, "Daddy, I need to ask you something," he is a pat of butter in a hot frying pan."

-- Garrison Keillor

I stayed in Mississippi, to take care of my parents.  Dad passed in 2019 and Mom passed just passed in 2023.  I am back home where I now belong, after a 63-year vacation to learn real English... ya'll.  While I had them, my parents and I enjoyed our company.  We had a good time, though, after his second stroke Dad changed.  I think he died for me then because, after he really died from the fourth stroke, I couldn't cry at his passing.

"By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong."

-- Charles Wadsworth

 

Editor's Note

(Re: disclaimer cum "get out of jail free" card)

Before you go getting your panties in a bunch - it is essential to understand that this is just an opinion site and, as such, can be subjected to scrutiny by anyone with a differing opinion. It doesn't make either view any more right or wrong than the other. Opinion, presented in this context, is a way of inciting others to think and, hopefully, to form their own opinions if they haven't already done so. This is also why, occasionally, I will present an "opinion" just to stir an emotional pot. Where it may sound like I agree with the statements made, I'm more interested in getting others to consider an alternate viewpoint.

I fervently hope that we keep open and active minds when reading opinions and while engaging in peaceful and constructive discussion, in an arena of mutual respect, concerning those opinions offered. After over twenty years of military intelligence, I believe that engaging each other in this manner, and in this arena, is the way we will learn tolerance and respect for differing beliefs, cultures, and viewpoints.

We all fall from grace, some more often than others; it is part of being human. God's test for us is what we learn from the experience... and what we do afterward.

Pastor Tony spent 22 years with United States Air Force Intelligence as a planner, analyst, briefer, instructor, and senior manager. Following his service career, he spent 17 years working with the premier and world-renowned Western Institutional Review Board, helping to protect the rights of human subjects involved in pharmaceutical research. He also served 8 years on the Board of Directors for the Angela J. Bowen Foundation.

Ordained 1n 2013 as an "interfaith" minister, he founded the Congregation for Religious Tolerance in response to intolerance shown by Christians toward peaceful Islam. As a weapon for his war on intolerance... he chose the pen. He wages his "battle" in the guise of the Congregation's official online blog, The Path, of which he is both author and editor. "The Path" offers a vehicle for commentary and guidance concerning one's personal, spiritual path toward peace and the final destination for us all. He resides in Pass Christian, Mississippi, where he volunteered as the lead chaplain at a regional medical center.

Feel free to contact Pastor Tony at: tolerantpastor@gmail.com