More on Responsibility for Happiness (Updated from 6/25/2014)

 

“You can’t be responsible for everyone else’s happiness if you can't even manage to be responsible for your own.”

-- F.A. Villari

I have a very simple question that everyone should ask themselves all the time, it is my favorite question and the most important, in my view.  Why?

I was in a discussion where the topic turned to this person believing everyone thought she was responsible for their happiness.  After a few minutes, it became pretty obvious that she had fallen into a trap where everyone had made her responsible and she'd bought into it.  I pointed this out to her and she continued to target the others for making her responsible.  I finally had to be pretty blunt about it.  Why do you feel responsible for everyone else’s happiness?  Did somebody saddle you with that responsibility, or did you just figure, “What the hell?  My own life is crap, so maybe I can help some other poor dumb bastards find happiness.”  She started crying.  My bad.  But, it did bring some clarity for the rest of our conversation.  Now, she owned it.

Why do you think it is easier to take care of the happiness of others than to take care of your own?  If you give a starving man a steak, he’ll still complain about how it’s cooked.  Let him cook his own damned steak so you can go have that super-meat-combination pizza you've been craving.  You can’t save the poor from themselves any more than you can make someone happy that is perfectly content to drown in misery.  Let them drown!  I suppose I'm old school.  Sink or swim.  Throw a person that can't swim into the deep end of the pool and see how fast they can self-learn to dog paddle.  Having taken a Red Cross lifeguard course, I can tell you that a sure way to drown yourself is to try and rescue someone that's drowning, who is going to fight you instead of listening.  The only recourse is to punch them square in the face and drag their limp, carcass into shore.  They'll probably be drowning at the same time, same place, next week.  You just can’t cure stupid.  

Why are most of us humans, survivors?  Left to our own devices, we will probably rise above adversity.  At least that's the way it was before we started handing everything out for free and having no expectations of anyone.  God weeds out those that won't learn or rise above adversity.  We can't stop that process unless people want to listen.  The best way to help someone is not to help them, so to speak.  I think it's better to teach them to help themselves.  Give a man a fish and he eats for a day.  Teach that man to fish and he can feed himself for life.  It isn't that we help, it's how we help that's important.  Unless they're a child, the worse thing we can do is accept responsibility for anyone.  Show them how to be responsible for themselves, if they truly want to.  If they don't, there is little to be done for them.

Why let someone try to be responsible, or think they are responsible, for your happiness?  You wouldn't let some stranger invest your hard-earned money, why the hell would you let them try to invest your happiness.  If they know how to invest money they'd be on a beach in the islands, not talking to you.  If they’re so damned good at being happy, why is their happiness making you so damned miserable?  Their happiness should be naturally infectious, right?

Why do we listen to others?  Why do we let them “help” us make decisions in our lives?  Why don't we step up and take control of those decisions for ourselves?  Is it too hard?  Of course, it is, and it takes time.  Rebuilding happiness doesn't happen overnight any more than losing happiness did.  Worse yet, if you think you're miserable now, wait until you feel the frustration inherent in fighting to rise above it.  Frustration can make you want to give up on everything.  Don't be weak and give in.

Why do we equate happiness with material wealth?  I consider myself much wealthier than those who have everything, and I have just enough to be comfortable.  I worked hard to get here, just to find how little it actually takes to make me truly happy.  I always advise people to lose the drama in their lives.  It always made sense to me that happiness hides behind the drama we invite into our lives.  Drama is the smoke and mirrors which hide our reality.  The reality is, we are all capable of our own happiness.  But, first, you have to learn to get shed of all the crap in your life.  Just let it go!  Scream, kick, spit, take a deep breath, and let it all go.  Nothing is truly worth all the grief we visit upon ourselves.  A few ideas that may help:  

Don't fight those things you have no control over.  Let them go.  Take care of those things you do control and then, if you feel the need, come back and tackle the rest. 

Don't surround yourself with negativity.  Let it go.  If the negativity is coming from people around you, let them go.  If it’s family, guess what?  It’s time to let them go.  They need to grow up or find another hobby because you aren't it. 

Don't incur debt.  If you have debt, make the conscious decision to stop taking on more of it.  Downsize your crap, especially stuff you owe money on.  Sell the expensive new car you took a sixty-month loan on.  Sixty months?  Are you freaking insane?  New cars alone will have you in debt for more than half your life.  Get a used vehicle and spend cash on it.  If you can’t take a trip in a used car because you only trust it around town or to and from work, guess what?  You can’t afford to take a freaking trip!

I had someone throw their opinion of my life back at me the other night.  They asked, what would I know about all of this?  I've always had the money or people to help me.  I found it funny as I remembered how I had to work for my weekly allowance as a kid.  How I worked for 23 years in the military and another 17 for a private company.  I remembered how it felt to lose everything I owned; my house, my savings, half of my military retirement, my family, and my kids.  I remember how it felt to sit there, alone in the dark, and come so close to the point of giving up and ending it all.  I remember telling myself I was better than this.  I remember when I made the conscious decision to never let anyone do that to me again; to make me that miserable and that unhappy.  I remember telling myself I was willing to do whatever it took to get over that hump.  I remember how demeaning it felt to be bailed out of jail for something I didn't do and the humility of accepting just enough charity from others until I got back on my feet.  I didn't ask for any help, but help was offered along with a butt-load of advice.  And, most of all, I remember the ten years it took me to turn it all around so I could retire at 56 and never have to look back.  

It wasn't what I know about this inasmuch as why I know about this.  Choices and consequences.  Our lives are the choices we make and the consequences which follow.  If your life is crap, it is due to some decision you made.  Don't look for someone to blame unless you're looking in a mirror.  Our lives are our lives, and it is so much better to learn to own your life than to misplace blame for all the drama we invite into it.

It really takes very little “stuff” in our lives to make us truly happy.  We won't understand this until we lose it all, but it's true.  By the same token, my money didn't buy my happiness, I did.  I buy it every morning I wake up and praise God for another glorious day in paradise, and another day to excel on this path that I have set myself upon.  

I learned that I cannot be responsible for everyone else’s happiness.  Their happiness is all about their own path.  I can mentor them down it, only if they want me to, but I cannot be responsible for their ultimate outcome.  They must make the decisions and take ownership of the outcome.  It is their life! If you have a child that can’t stand on their own, what will they do when you die tomorrow?  Let them go!  Guide them, give them advice and love, but they have to try, and fall, and try again, or they will surely die before you, if not long after.  This is what we used to call "good parenting."  Is this heartless?  Some might think so, and that's fine with me.  

I will not continue to enable people to be less than they are by saying it is okay.  It isn't!  Our country has bought into the philosophy of mediocrity; it is okay to "get by" and not try.  Everyone gets a trophy so no one feels like a loser.  Really?  I hear a lot of people telling me they feel like losers, and that they're sick of it.  I hear them telling me they're tired of their loser friends pushing and pulling them.  They're tired of their loser family wanting them to make everything better without once thinking about how bad it is for the people they're asking it of.

Don't confuse compassion with responsibility.  I can feel compassion for the starving homeless, but I feel no responsibility for their happiness.  There are those mentally incapable of ever being what we would consider capable of holding down a job.  For those that are capable, how can we ever expect them to do the job if they are too weak to even apply for it?  I feel no responsibility for their happiness as this is something they must discover for themselves, but this does not negate my compassion for their hunger.  You cannot save the poor from their lot as they have to desire that salvation for themselves.  Only then do they have a chance for success, and only then can you assist them in their endeavor, but you are still not responsible for them.

Is it heartless?  You decide.  

As usual, this is just my humble opinion and I'm almost positive you have an opinion as well.  Don't just wallow in it, make it heard!  Do it here with a comment, e-mail, or write a post for me and I'll put it up (as long as it meets my stringent criteria).  Yeah, right...

"God did not call you to keep everyone happy.  You are not responsible for other people's happiness; you are responsible to keep yourself happy."

-- Joel Osteen

Editor's Note

(Re: disclaimer cum "get out of jail free" card)

Before you go getting your panties in a bunch - it is essential to understand that this is just an opinion site and, as such, can be subjected to scrutiny by anyone with a differing opinion. It doesn't make either view any more right or wrong than the other. Opinion, presented in this context, is a way of inciting others to think and, hopefully, to form their own opinions, if they haven't already done so. This is also why, occasionally, I will present an "opinion" just to stir an emotional pot. Where it may sound like I agree with the statements made, I'm more interested in getting others to consider an alternate viewpoint.

I fervently hope that we keep open and active minds when reading opinions, and while engaging in peaceful and constructive discussion, in an arena of mutual respect, concerning those opinions offered. After twenty-three years of military intelligence, I have come to believe that engaging each other in this manner, and in this arena, is a way we will learn tolerance and respect for differing beliefs, cultures, and viewpoints.

We all fall from grace, some more often than others; it is part of being human. God's test for us is what we learn from the experience... and what we do afterward.

Pastor Tony spent 22 years with United States Air Force Intelligence as a planner, analyst, briefer, instructor, and senior manager. Following his service career, he spent 17 years working with the premier and world-renowned Western Institutional Review Board, helping to protect the rights of human subjects involved in pharmaceutical research. He also served 8 years on the Board of Directors for the Angela J. Bowen Foundation.

Ordained 1n 2013 as an "interfaith" minister, he founded the Congregation for Religious Tolerance in response to intolerance shown by Christians toward peaceful Islam. As a weapon for his war on intolerance... he chose the pen. He wages his "battle" in the guise of the Congregation's official online blog, The Path, of which he is both author and editor. "The Path" offers a vehicle for commentary and guidance concerning one's personal, spiritual path toward peace and the final destination for us all. He resides in Pass Christian, Mississippi, where he volunteered as the lead chaplain at a regional medical center.

Feel free to contact Pastor Tony at: tolerantpastor@gmail.com