Questioning Love, Wishes, Learning, Change, Fathers, and Failure

 

“When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.”

-- Emerson Eggerichs

Why do people fall in love before they find out they can't respect who they are in love with?

Do they enjoy paying attorney fees? I don’t think they fall in “love” as much as they have fallen in lust. I couldn’t wait to marry my ex-wife. Two kids and 25 years later, we divorced. She wanted half of my military retirement and admitted she never loved me. Cold and heartless to the end. I’ve lived in sin with a loving and good friend for 20 years. We don’t fight... we discuss. We have mutual respect. But, most of all, we are friends.

What does it mean if a guy says he doesn't want a relationship but doesn't want to just be friends?

He wants to “use” you. Don’t be a statistic. Go find someone who has respect for you.

Do you respect others to earn their respect, or is it the humanity in you?

I respect others because they respect me. Everyone deserves respect until they don’t. I don’t try to “earn” respect. You get what you give, and if you don’t get a modicum of respect in return, you have no reason to continue to respect. 

It is said that a Doctor “practices” medicine. If I “practiced” my profession in the military, people might die. Why do you "practice" a profession?  You are supposed to be proficient. You continue learning as you grow.  And, you respect those who respect you.

Am I not good enough to satisfy my girlfriend in bed?

How in hell would any of us know? Ask your girlfriend. Ask her what she expects from you and ask her to guide you to it.

How can I make better choices?

A “kneejerk” reaction rarely ends well. Take a moment to think before you act.  Things tend to turn out much better. Before you make a choice or a decision, take a moment to think it through. Ask yourself if the money you are about to spend on crap, for instance, wouldn’t be better spent on what you need. There is a lot of wisdom in the phrases, “Think before you act.” or “Look before you jump.”

“Sometimes you have to choose between a bunch of wrong choices and no right ones. You just have to choose which wrong choices feel the least wrong.”

-- Colleen Hoover

How do you wish to have a nice weekend?

“Have a nice weekend!”

Are problems meant to strengthen people?

Yes. Problems are life’s way of presenting lessons for you to consider and solve. Then, again, life presents us with some opportunities for which there is no solution. These issues are a way to keep you humble as you travel your path. My elderly mother is in a nursing home for a short term. She will be coming home, and I will care for her for the remainder of her life. There is no solution to this. This is an issue life has dealt me. It is a reminder to be always humble and to keep on smiling. Smiling? Of course. Any day you have on this side of the dirt is another day in paradise. The alternative sucks.

She leads me on then she humbles me when I think a lot about it. What should I do?

She keeps leading you on. Find someone who doesn’t. That’ll teach her.

If you spend money on someone (paying for food/Uber, etc.) and there is no reciprocity from their side, you continue to do so anyway. Does that indicate a lack of self-respect, insecurities, or people-pleasing tendencies?

You are either selfless or enjoy being used. If I’m being used, I had better be enjoying it, or I’ll find someone better at using me. Pleasing other people should be a selfless act. You do it because it is the right thing to do. Continuing to blow money on someone is a sign they are probably taking advantage. I would stop spending the money and see if they continue to hang with you.

How do you deal with people who mock you? 

Mocking people is a sign of immaturity. Try hanging around mature people.

Author's comment:  Nice answer! I really loved the part, “Mocking people is a sign of immaturity.” But, it’s a little hard, especially when those who mock you are your loved ones and are always around you. You can’t really ignore or avoid them, in my opinion.

My reply:  If they love you, tell them to stop mocking you.  If they don't, I'd be concerned.

Author's reply: Talking always works, I agree. Actually, I believe our loved ones mock us because they love us. They want to protect us from hurting or failing in our lives, and this belief leads me to love them even more. So I personally consider them more kind, and worried, than immature.

My reply: Go with that.

And although it is true that many people have the potential to be bullies, what makes the bully special is his lack of capacity to control himself, to stop himself, or to feel ashamed of his own actions. Actually, the bully enjoys public performances of his cowardice the most, because that is how he feeds his very little ego and very weak personality. That is the only thing that makes his life worthy, for the bully has no sense of self-worth and often considers himself unworthy. As a matter of fact, the bullies that think they don’t deserve to be alive, are the ones telling others to kill themselves. Basically speaking, the weaker a soul, the more suppressive that soul will be towards others.”

-- Robin Sacredfire

Can we learn something without speaking?

Read.

How do you break free from your negative thoughts and live free?

I made the conscious choice to strive for true happiness always and in all things, regardless of my circumstances. This makes true happiness sustainable until you change your choice, which is contrary to constructive happiness. One would be an idiot to change their choice. I made the choice in 2003, 3 years after my divorce from a 25-year marriage. I have been truly happy for 20 years.

What does it mean when you don't want to accept the truth, but eventually have to?

Acceptance, when the proof becomes incontrovertible.

Is it true that the majority of people won't reach their desired success? Why is that?

Most won’t attain their desired goal. But you are discussing “success” and not a goal. Success in life is a simple choice, and this is not unreachable. It is a choice each of us should make for our lives. A choice to strive for true happiness, always and in all things, regardless of your circumstances.

Grown-up struggles that result from childhood trauma are obvious, but what about people growing up in a loving environment? What are some obstacles a person that is loved, appreciated, and supported may have?

Ignorance of trauma. If it ever occurs, they would have no idea how to handle it. They would probably end up in therapy for the smallest of reasons.

“Trauma is personal. It does not disappear if it is not validated. When it is ignored or invalidated the silent screams continue internally heard only by the one held captive. When someone enters the pain and hears the screams healing can begin.”

-- Danielle Bernock

Can loving a person too much push them away?

No, but being possessive and clingy sure would. True love is one thing, but everyone needs a bit of personal space, even people in love.

What makes a man feel understood by another person?

Commonality. They’ve marched through similar mud. 

How can you get over a breakup while living with your ex?

Take your breakup out on your ex by “boffing” their brains out, daily. That would make me get over it.

Why do we accept things written 2000 years ago, from people that really we know nothing about, other than what was written by these same people about each other, put them in some kind of order, and call it the Holy Bible?

The “Holy Bible” was written by mankind and inspired by God. God would talk and men would misinterpret. One would have thought God would know this, and He did. It is one reason God decided to write everything we needed to know across our hearts and our minds. Do good always, and if you don’t, well, you are aware of it. In this way, misinterpretation would be on your head, not God’s. The Bible is a good guidebook, but you have to live your own life and not blame your errors on scripture or God.

How can you tell if a person will make a good partner for life? What are some signs that a person may not be committed to a long-term relationship?

Constant bickering and disagreement, and a lack of happiness, commitment, and dedicated friendship.

“If we commit ourselves to one person for life, this is not, as many people think, a rejection of freedom; rather, it demands the courage to move into all the risks of freedom, and the risk of love which is permanent; into that love which is not possession but participation.”

-- Madeleine L'Engle

Why do people change who they are just to get someone else's attention?

So… they can get someone’s attention. This isn’t rocket science, but it also rarely works out. You manage to get their attention, but now you need constantly hide who you are. This is difficult for most of us. For better or worse, who you are will come out.

Why does everyone always leave me?

You need to ask the people who left you.

How can someone without faith also have morality and purpose?

Faith is defined as a belief in something for which there is little or no proof. As such, I don’t see how being without faith would have any negative effect on morality or purpose.

Why did he like someone else but never leave me?

Do you feel as if you’re being used?

Can atheists join local non-atheist groups?

If they are looking for answers or validation, why not? If they’re just looking to cause trouble, they should not. Non-atheists simply believe in a higher power. Atheists, not so much. There is no reason why the two groups can’t get along in a common search for understanding and knowledge. It is the drama thrust on both groups by their antagonistic hardliners that causes rifts. 

“Atheism turns out to be too simple. If the whole universe has no meaning, we should never have found out that it has no meaning...”

-- C.S. Lewis

Can you rush maturity?

Not really. Maturity has much to do with living life, making choices and decisions, loving and losing love, failing, attaining goals, accumulating wisdom, and learning from all of this. 

Who is a girl who flirts with 99+ boys?

There are a few names for her, but my respect for women prevents me from listing them.

What does it mean if a father doesn't care about his daughter?

He isn’t much of a father. No matter how bad the daughter or son is or how they treat the family and, specifically, the father, the father will always love her. A good father always wants the best for their children. When the children rebel, there is little the father can do to prevent it except exercise “tough love” and hope they see the light of tolerance, understanding, and a father’s love.  It doesn't help when the father becomes angry and intolerant, but most lose this control and lose the respect they deserve.

What are the effects of cheating on a partner?

Loss of a partner and of respect. There is anger and the fact that the cheater will lose trust.

When will I have some friends?

Friends only magically appear if they are looking to make friends. If you’re looking for friends, you should be out there making some. It takes a bit of work. Maybe, you need to work harder?

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”

-- Bob Marley

What are the biggest questions in your mind about your personality?

I’m going to be 70 in October. If I have questions about my personality, it’s a little late to be worrying about it. It is what it is, and I am what I am. People seem to love me, so I’m not questioning anything. A young lady adopted me as her surrogate father when her dad passed. She said I helped make her into the woman she is today. I was so humbled. Other than I find it very tough to remain humble, no, I have no questions about my personality.

I wish people would be interested in someone to be part of their life, as friends instead of relationships, while living too far away. Did you agree?

Long-distance relationships rarely work out.

What does a bad decision mean to you?

Drama. If I make a “bad” decision or choice, it means I have invited “drama” into my life. I strive for true happiness, always and in all things, regardless of my circumstances. This drama I’ve let in I now have to get rid of. This means I have to use the energy I planned for other things to make this drama go away.

How should a man look at women?

With respect. 

When did you see someone's failure cause them to become frustrated?

All the time. People don’t see failure as an opportunity to learn. For the most part, they see failure as a possible reason to quit. We are trained to see failure as a negative, instead of an opportunity.

“I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.”

-- Thomas A. Edison

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.”

-- Winston S. Churchill

“There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.”

-- Paulo Coelho

Editor's Note

(Re: disclaimer cum "get out of jail free" card)

Before you go getting your panties in a bunch - it is essential to understand that this is just an opinion site and, as such, can be subjected to scrutiny by anyone with a differing opinion. It doesn't make either view any more right or wrong than the other. Opinion, presented in this context, is a way of inciting others to think and, hopefully, to form their own opinions if they haven't already done so. This is also why, occasionally, I will present an "opinion" just to stir an emotional pot. Where it may sound like I agree with the statements made, I'm more interested in getting others to consider an alternate viewpoint.

I fervently hope that we keep open and active minds when reading opinions and while engaging in peaceful and constructive discussion, in an arena of mutual respect, concerning those opinions offered. After over twenty years of military intelligence, I believe that engaging each other in this manner, and in this arena, is the way we will learn tolerance and respect for differing beliefs, cultures, and viewpoints.

We all fall from grace, some more often than others; it is part of being human. God's test for us is what we learn from the experience... and what we do afterward.

Pastor Tony spent 22 years with United States Air Force Intelligence as a planner, analyst, briefer, instructor, and senior manager. Following his service career, he spent 17 years working with the premier, and world-renowned, Western Institutional Review Board, helping to protect the rights of human subjects involved in pharmaceutical research. 

Ordained 1n 2013 as an "interfaith" minister, he founded the Congregation for Religious Tolerance in response to intolerance shown by Christians toward peaceful Islam. As a weapon for his war on intolerance, he chose the pen. He wages his "battle" in the guise of the Congregation's official online blog, The Path, of which he is both author and editor. "The Path" offers a vehicle for commentary and guidance concerning one's personal, spiritual path toward peace and the final destination for us all. He resides in Pass Christian, Mississippi, where he volunteered as the lead chaplain at a regional medical center.

Feel free to contact Pastor Tony at: tolerantpastor@gmail.com