What do you say to the sick or dying? (Updated from 2/18/15)

"How do you try to say the right words when talking to her and her family? How much more can she take? Then we are going through the grieving process as well. We are still dealing with my brother in law's own Cancer treatment. It just seems so overwhelming? What would be a good part of the Bible I could read that might give me some Hope and Inspiration? Thanks for your help buddy. God bless."

This is typical of emails I get, every so often, as I travel my path. It is an email I dread having to answer, for obvious reasons. Trying to say the right words would be easier for me than finding the right words to say. I have known this gentleman for only a short while but I could have known him for a lifetime and the answers would not come easier. His life seems to be one of the continual tests of his resolve and faith, and this is not the first time he has sought out my guidance.  

What do you say to the sick or dying, or the relatives?  How in God's name would I know?  One thing I know I wouldn't want to hear is bullshit.  Let's face it, telling some guy on the battlefield he's going to be fine when his intestines are spilling all over the ground because the artillery round blew off the lower part of his body seems a little self-serving.  You sidestep having to tell him he's dead already but his brain just hasn't caught up with the fact, and he lies in his own gore.  Your credibility crashes and burns during their last dying gasp.  Better that you had not said anything than to say something stupid and let your stupidity be the last words they hear.  Unfortunately, I have no filter. I've never been very good at blowing smoke up someone's ass, especially when the outcome is so painfully obvious.  I think it is more respectful if you just hold them and give them honesty.  How are they going to make peace with God if you're morally abandoning them by lying about the outcome?  

The following is the humble response I sent:

My friend, this was so sad to hear. The difficulty in finding the right words is oft times the result of not wanting to cause more grief than they already experience. My view is colored by my faith and not by any false sense of propriety required to make anyone feel better before the, seemingly, inevitable. God called her to task. If this task were simply a test of her faith winning the bout with breast cancer might have been the end of it. I guess there comes a time when someone has to ask, "How much more do I have to endure?" It could be her faith isn't strong enough, yet. It may also be that she was never meant to win and man has just been postponing what God intends for her. She may be needed elsewhere.

Once again, you have found yourself in the unenviable position of trying to be responsible for others happiness, without the words to guarantee it. Unless asked, it is probably best to remain silent. Offer an ear, a shoulder, and prayers when needed. Be strong in your faith and let them recognize that in you; it may help them to find their own strength and understand that which may be soon upon them.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. Fort what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

-- 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 

Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house there are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.

-- John 14:1-4 

Sometimes, my friend, God must press the children for more than they can give. Sometimes this requires the ultimate of sacrifice. We all know this, God has told us, laid it before us, and we, as always opt to look away and cover our ears. This test is not hers alone. If her faith is strong, perhaps the test is meant for someone else and she is simply God's instrument to achieve for mankind something larger than herself. Her faith and that of those around her should solidify her place in heaven. If none of this is understood, then there is no hope except that which God affords.

Be sensitive and mindful of what they are going through.  Their pain is as much mental as physical.  Sometimes being silent and a good listener is more important to them than all the good intentions you can spew from your ever-moving pie hole.  Hold them, cry with them, and be there for them, even if they shun you in favor of self-pity.  They are looking for a rock when family and friends are crumbling emotionally along with them.   

At times it makes one wonder who is really dying, the patient or the family. We need to be the solid rock they can anchor to until the storm passes.  Notice I said they can anchor to.  Whether they do or not is up to them, but at least you can offer an option.  You cannot force them to accept your shoulder, you can only be there if they do.  The family may not appreciate that the loved one chooses your anchorage over theirs.  Hey, time for the family to buck up.  It isn't about them, and as much sympathy for their feeling as I might be able to muster, if I'm having to do it, it is because they have failed, failed for reason, but failed nonetheless.

I do not color what I say to people that ask me questions or seek advice.  My dad always brought me up to call a spade a spade.  Again, I have no filter. This did not serve me well in the butt-kissing world of the military, nor the serious butt-kissing corporate world, but I could always look in the mirror at the end of the day and know I did the right thing by saying that which had to be said.  Many times I have had people I know slam their door shut on me, put up the walls, and make sure the crocs in their moat were hungry.  

Patience is a virtue I am learning.  More times than not, giving people some time to consider what I said brings them back around to the possibility I might have been right, or at least that I offered the most honest answer they've heard.  

As I find myself vomiting thoughts all over the paper in order to get to the point, let me reiterate that honesty is my entire point here.  But it is honesty tempered with understanding and a heartfelt desire to be there for them.  Hold them close, be honest, and just be there.

I will walk with you for a bit if you'd like,

on this, the last mile of your path here.

Arm in arm we will talk and laugh,

perhaps we will cry in our memories.

 

At the end of the day, you must go.

I must stay, as my path still has distance,

but you must forge ahead

unto the next great adventure.

 

Give me one last look before you go,

a glance over the shoulder, and a smile.

I will miss you, but we will meet again

and we will walk for a bit, arm in arm.

--F.A. Villari

Editor's Note

(Re: disclaimer cum "get out of jail free" card)

Before you go getting your panties in a bunch, it is essential to understand that this is just an opinion site and, as such, can be subjected to scrutiny by anyone with a differing opinion. It doesn't make either view any more right or wrong than the other. An opinion, presented in this context, is a way of inciting others to think and, hopefully, to form opinions of their own, if they haven't already done so. This is also why, occasionally, I will present an "opinion" just to stir an emotional pot. Where it may sound like I agree with the statements made, I'm more interested in getting others to consider an alternate viewpoint. 

I fervently hope that we keep open and active minds when reading opinions and while engaging in peaceful and constructive discussion, in an arena of mutual respect, concerning those opinions put forth. After over twenty years with military intelligence, I have come to believe engaging each other in this manner and in this arena is the way we will learn tolerance and respect for differing beliefs, cultures, and viewpoints.

We all fall from grace, some more often than others; it is part of being human. God's test for us is what we learn from the experience, and what we do afterward.

Pastor Tony spent 22 years with the United States Air Force Intelligence as a planner, analyst, briefer, instructor, and, finally, a senior manager. He spent 17 years, following his service career, working with the premier, world-renowned, Western Institutional Review Board helping to protect the rights of human subjects involved in pharmaceutical research.

Ordained 1n 2013 as an "interfaith" minister, he founded the Congregation for Religious Tolerance in response to intolerance shown by Christians toward peaceful Islam. As the weapon for his war on intolerance he chose the pen, and wages his "battle" in the guise of the Congregation's official online blog, The Path, of which he is both author and editor. "The Path" offers a vehicle for commentary and guidance concerning one's own personal, spiritual, path toward peace and the final destination for us all. He currently resides in Pass Christian, Mississippi, where he volunteered as the lead chaplain at a regional medical center.

Feel free to contact Pastor Tony: tolerantpastor@gmail.com