Thoughts After Officiating My First Marriage (Updated and reposted from 10/29/14)

It has been almost eight years since I wrote the post, The Wedding Officiant.  One of the weddings never came to be, and another possible gay wedding went south when I informed them that "gay" marriages were not recognized in the state of Mississippi.  I was more than willing to perform the ceremony, but I think the lack of local legality put them off.  I hope they canceled for the right reasons, but one has to define "right" for one's self.

I think this was the problem in my own marriage.  We had a civil ceremony at the Las Vegas courthouse.  No promises of fidelity, or a lifelong commitment to God, or our friends; no "holy" in the matrimony.  It was an exercise in civil paperwork that made our union legal with plenty of wiggle room for bolting at the first opportunity.  She tried to bolt for at least 20 years of our 25-year union, and I was either too thick-headed to see it, didn't want to see it, or was too stubborn to let her go.  Whatever the reason, I think I took the idea of marriage to be more "holy" than she did or, maybe, she was just a realist.  Being brought up a Catholic and a Sicilian, for me divorce just wasn't an option.  Wrong again.  We divorced in 2000, after 25 years of anti-bliss.

And this has become the norm for marriage in this nation.  Actually, if we are to believe the stats, marriage almost isn't even occurring anymore.  Marriage is being replaced by living together and having children out of wedlock.  God blessed atheism?  Maybe.  There is also a lot of the CINO community out there (Christians In Name Only) that have opted for a different path and lost their core belief along the way.  Again, no real promises to each other, to friends, family, or to God.  No promises by either parent to the child of actually being there for them, of doing the right thing, and of being a role model during their formative years.  So, the child has to suck it up and fend for themselves?

"What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again: there is nothing new under the sun."

-- Ecclesiastes, 1:9

Marriage, like so many other core values in our society, has become outdated, kind of like patriotism, tolerance, celebrating diversity, and so many others.  These are all solid values once held dear by the progressive elements of our society, the values that progressives have turned their backs on.  As with the empires of Rome and Greece, even religious and spiritual morality can't save society from the destructive path it is traveling.  Jim Nelson Black, "When Nations Die", lists ten things that can bring society to a point of collapse:

          1.   Increase in lawlessness

          2.   Loss of economic discipline

          3.   Rising bureaucracy

          4.   Decline in education

          5.   Weakening of cultural foundations

          6.   Loss of respect for traditions

          7.   Increase in materialism

          8.   Rise in immorality

          9.   Decay of religious belief

          10. Devaluing of human life

Recognize any of these going on today?  He goes on to explain that as few as three or four of these would be enough.  Three or four?  I count ten.  All of these are happening, right now, in our society.  There are four, alone, that I deal with in this post.  Three of these are the foundation of a solid marriage and family.  I leave the "decay of religious belief" up to the reader and the many atheists who would argue this point.  I have to agree, however, there are exceptions to every rule.

Jim Bramlett, author and radio personality, on his site Choices for Living, says the following about Dr. Black's list:  "Aiding the breakdown of decadent cultures was a philosophy of 'change for the sake of change.'  Dissatisfied with traditional authority, the cultural elites turned their backs on values and traditions as old as the nation itself.  Tragically, according to Dr. Black, the United States is the first nation in history where all ten symptoms are present in one society at one time!"  

Please visit Jim Bramlett for more opinions:  

http://www.choicesforliving.com/spirit/index.htm

As for the couple I married on my birthday?  Well, it wasn't his first, or his second, but three is supposed to be the charm and, at their age, the marriage will probably stick.  Their friends and family seem to be of good, southern spiritual stock, so they have the right support surrounding them.  The groom had difficulty making it through the vows he had written due to his tears which evidenced, for me, that this must be the right woman for the rest of his life.  Her concern for him as he worked through them was good evidence for the same on her end.  All in all, it was to be a fun afternoon.

But, the ceremony left me feeling concerned for our future as a nation, as a society, and as a people.  We choose to focus on divisiveness, as we've all seen recently between multiple factions.  Every minority thinks they deserve more attention than anyone else.  Only Black Lives Matter pissed off everyone else who had the silly thought that their life mattered just as much. We have become, worldwide, a people of, "why can't you be more like me" instead of celebrating the robust diversity of who we all are.  It is worse when we use our religious and spiritual morality as a sword of intolerance and unforgiveness.  Where is the love in that?

It is no secret comedian and talk show host Bill Maher was not my favorite atheist.  He takes atheism to all new heights of intolerance and bigotry.  He decries God as hateful and cruel.  He does this because he uses the Bible as evidence for his opinion.  Well, here Bill and I have to agree.  If you read the Bible it is easy to see from whence his opinion comes.  But what if the Bible has it all wrong?  What if there are those of us that believe in a kinder gentler God?  Well, Bill would probably say that is proof we are ignorant and deluded.  If Christ were to appear before Bill, he would find a way to justify insanity.  Bill Maher is another member of the Society of the Perpetually Discontent.  It is unfortunate that he wants to drag everyone else into this pit with him, but that is the world we live in.  Recently, however, Bill has turned around.  I think this might be due to President Joe Biden being an aged doddering old fool.  But, I digress.

Whether marriage is between atheists, Christians, Muslims, or Buddhists, it should be entered into for only one reason - love.  What you come into a marriage with, is what you leave with.  If there is "business" in the marriage, then a contract had better be forthcoming if you expect half of everything when love isn't enough.  The house and property had better be in both names, as should any accounts, so there should be no reason for vindictive lawsuits.  

In a divorce, the law should dictate what percentage of a person's wages go to the support of any child, remembering that it took both parties to produce the offspring so both are responsible for the support; there should be no suing for more.  It is what it is.  Material wealth in a marriage is a business and should be handled as such for the protection of both parties in the event of hospitalization, death, and threats from outside.  Everything else is supposed to be about love and commitment.  If you don't have love, it is just a business partnership with the benefit of meaningless, conjugal, sex.  Oh, joy... 

It shouldn't, then, be of any surprise when your "business" partner brings someone else in to enjoy the party.

"The moral code of Heaven for both men and women is complete chastity before marriage and full fidelity after marriage."

Ezra Taft Benson (1889-1994), American farmer and religious leader

This quote, from Ezra Benson, is what one would expect from the 13th President of The Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter-day Saints.  Unfortunately, Mr. Benson lived long enough to see Mormonism fall prey to the same ills of vice and divorce afflicting the rest of the religious world.  With all of the baggage, people carry with them into a relationship, fidelity before marriage is a bit insane unless you've known the person your entire life, and even then...  Being an American farmer, around the turn of the 20th century, was one community where knowing someone else from birth would have been prevalent in marriage.  For the rest of us, not so much.

"Maybe that's what it all comes down to.  Love, not as a surge of passion, but as a choice to commit to something, someone, no matter what obstacles or temptations stand in the way.  And maybe making that choice again and again, day in and day out, year after year, says more about love than never having a choice to make at all."

-- Emily Griffin, "Love the One You're With"

So, maybe Emily Griffin and I are right.  Maybe it all comes down to love.  Maybe, the need for that piece of paper we call a wedding "license" is just a "legal"+ necessity after all.  How can government license you so you can "legally" feel?  They can't.  The only piece of paper required, if you just have to have one, would be from two witnesses saying you have made vows before friends, family, and God (if you're spiritual, at all).  Otherwise, just tell each other how you feel and accept each other as "significant others" for the rest of your time here on Earth.

Of course, if you decide to leave your "marriage" you're still going to get screwed.  But, then, that's what you get for lying to your partner in front of everyone, right?

Editor's Note

(Re: disclaimer cum "get out of jail free" card)

Before you go getting your panties in a bunch, it is essential to understand that this is just an opinion site and, as such, can be subjected to scrutiny by anyone with a differing opinion. It doesn't make either opinion any more right or wrong than the other. An opinion, presented in this context, is a way of inciting others to think and, hopefully, to form opinions of their own, if they haven't already done so. This is also why, occasionally, I will present an "opinion" just to stir an emotional pot. Where it may sound like I agree with the statements made, I'm more interested in getting others to consider an alternate viewpoint. 

It is my fervent hope that we keep open and active minds when reading opinions and while engaging in peaceful and constructive discussion, in an arena of mutual respect, concerning those opinions put forth. After over twenty years with military intelligence, I have come to believe engaging each other in this manner and in this arena is the way we will learn tolerance and respect for differing beliefs, cultures, and viewpoints.

We all fall from grace, some more often than others; it is part of being human. God's test for us is what we learn from the experience, and what we do afterward.

Pastor Tony spent 22 years with the United States Air Force Intelligence as a planner, analyst, briefer, instructor, and, finally, a senior manager. He spent 17 years, following his service career, working with the premier, world-renowned, Western Institutional Review Board helping to protect the rights of human subjects involved in pharmaceutical research.

Ordained 1n 2013 as an "interfaith" minister, he founded the Congregation for Religious Tolerance in response to intolerance shown by Christians toward peaceful Islam. As the weapon for his war on intolerance he chose the pen, and wages his "battle" in the guise of the Congregation's official online blog, The Path, of which he is both author and editor. "The Path" offers a vehicle for commentary and guidance concerning one's own personal, spiritual, path toward peace and the final destination for us all. He currently resides in Pass Christian, Mississippi, where he volunteered as the lead chaplain at a regional medical center.

Feel free to contact Pastor Tony:  tolerantpastor@gmail.com