All the Wrong Places (Updated post from 8/30/14)

 

"Well, I've spent a lifetime lookin' for you;

singles bars and good time lovers were never true.

Playin' a fools game hopin' to win;

and tellin' those sweet lies and losin' again.

I was lookin' for love in all the wrong places,

Lookin' for love in too many faces,

searchin' their eyes and lookin' for traces

of what I'm dreamin' of.

Hopin' to find a friend and a lover;

I'll bless the day I discover

another heart lookin' for love."

-- Wanda Mallette, Bob Morrison, Patti Ryan - Lookin' for Love

When I was young, I spent an inordinate amount of time trying to "hook up" with young ladies.  More times than not, and typical of young men, the brain "below my belt" took control of my God-given good sense, and any expectation for quality would take a second seat to my more base desires.  I thought getting married would solve this personality flaw but, instead, 25 years later, I became a marital statistic through a divorce.  I think a good many of us, men and women, fall prey to this flaw.  So what's to be done?  How do we find a quality "life partner" that will give us a lasting, loving relationship?  Start by loving yourself, and good luck with that.  It is easier said than done.

 A dear friend of mine, another minister, beat herself up over this issue of finding someone special.  She told me that if my advice was to try going to church instead of the local bar, she was coming over to my place with her favorite cast iron skillet to smack me upside the head.  Knowing that her proposed visit wasn't to cook me a meal of fried chicken or catfish, I opted not to give her my obvious response.  But, what is another answer, since my first answer sucks?  Well, let me dig down into humility and offer up a better, more humble, opinion.  

I have spent the best part of my life watching military folks, and those in the private sector, going in all the wrong directions looking for that special someone and failing, as I did.  I saw two common denominators in almost all of these bad relationships:  Expectations and hunting grounds.

Expecting society's ideal of Adonis or Venus to show up in one's life is a crapshoot at best and a national "Powerball" lottery at worst.  When "expecting" perfection that doesn't exist, one must first ask if you can reasonably expect non-existent perfection to find you attractive.  The minute you ask this question, you have failed yourself.  To begin with, why are you basing any serious relationship on looks?  Yet, we continue to do this and continue to have crappy relationships based on everything both parties have brought to the table, mainly... zip.  So let's try to leave our expectations of beauty at the door and pay attention to the other thing neither party brings to the table - honesty.  Really?  Do you really think you bring that with you?  Be honest.

I can't count the people I've known that have been "honest" with a partner going into a relationship and been screwed because they weren't even honest with themselves.  When you second guess honesty you bring your own gullibility to the table instead of the honesty you thought you were bringing.  Where did it all go wrong?  That rousing night of sex that occurred right after the man's statement, "Well, I'm actually looking for a serious relationship as well!"  The unfortunate downside for the young women I've seen go through this, is they think it's necessary to have children by every man that throws this line of bullshit out there.  I think most of us can agree a serious relationship isn't predicated on sex.  It is more about friendship, love, and that elusive sense of ethical honesty.

And have you ever been hunting?  You know when a typical hunter sees that long-awaited stag to mount over the mantle?  Well, okay, for me this usually happened after hunting season was over, of course.  After hunting season, you'll see a big buck with a great rack one on every backwoods hike, and they'll come right up to eat out of your hand just to piss you off.  The fish start biting when you've out of bait, and you'll hit the jackpot when you only have one quarter left to put in the slot, which nets you about a buck.  The max bet, however, which wasn't a quarter, would have netted you around $50,000.  Hunting sucks.  

Stop gambling, fishing, and hunting for the "right" person to come into your life.  I have found that, when I stop expecting, most stuff just happens.  Try just being the real you with everyone around you.  Let everyone know you're available for a serious relationship and sit back to see who bites.  If the right person comes along you'll know it because they'll have lots in common and some staying power.  As for sex, you'll know when it's time and it doesn't have to be right away.  Whoever said it did?  And, who the hell ever told young women they need to breed with every rutting buck in the forest?  Jeeze!  They make condoms and the "pill" for a reason, girls!  Utilize them!  He isn't Moses and your legs aren't the Red Sea.

This is all easy for one to say if you're a spring chicken and have the rest of your life to wait for that special someone if I'm right.  But, what if you're on the downhill slope of life and don't really want to spend the rest of it alone?  Well, I know it sounds cold and trite but, it sucks being you.  I know because it sucked being me for a long time after the divorce.  But, hey, life is all about risk and reward.  Sometimes you risk and fail, but if you don't risk there can be no chance of reward.  

So, you risk, and risk, and risk, and there may never seem to be any reward.  Well, get over it, or try something else, and keep trying something else.  Or, just try to be happy.  Honesty is a tough road for the best of us.  It was a tough road for me.  My honesty was to warn everyone, from the onset, that I'm a sinner and a hypocrite.  I give great advice and, like most people that do, I fail more than I succeed when I try to take my own advice.  But, at least I give it my best shot.  Hope for the best, plan for the worst and, if you must, settle for somewhere in-between and count your blessings.    

Sometimes, life isn't all about you being miserable in some lifelong relationship with a person you aren't with for any of the right reasons.  Sometimes life is about you realizing you can be happy just being happy, and you can actually be happy alone.  Sometimes life deals you that terrific hand where you can actually have short-term relationships full of fun and frolic and one-night stands, making them breakfast in the morning, and planning for another tryst if you found them interesting.  If it doesn't work out, oh well.  Apologize and thank them for a wonderful time, then show them to the door so you can get on with a little "me time" in your own space and have some well-deserved rest after showing each other tricks you never knew.  Of course, it might be that you learn new tricks you wish you hadn't.  Been there and done that.

My goodness, it makes one wonder why anyone would strive for a humdrum "serious relationship."  But, there are many positive aspects to a monogamous relationship, and those that strive for monogamy know what those positives are.  The positives are generally similar but can specifically differ for most people due to individual expectations.  There's that word again.  For the most part, it is in these specific differences that, I think, relationships founder.  

What we usually hear from the offended party is, "They lied to me." We rarely hear, "I didn't know," "I had no idea," or "I'm an idiot."  Much easier to blame the other party for our shortcomings.    Wouldn't it be nice if one could just be honest and own that they were gullible, that they were too naive to be aware of what was going on around them?  Wouldn't it be nice to honestly state, "I just need to sleep with someone, and I'd like it to be you, okay?"  Does that line ever work?

So, where do you look for love, for that serious relationship based on common interests and thought?  Okay, church for one, or clubs, or work if they allow office relationships.  But, there are so many other places.  How about letting quality dating sites that cater to like-minded people do the lion's portion of work for you?  They can separate most of the wheat from the chaff.  Emails are for you to respond to or ignore, and you can block and report the occasional moron that may slip through the filters.  I think these sites allow for a safer introduction than just throwing caution to the wind and going out with some "Joe Bag O'Doughnuts" you met online, or at the over-priced coffee shop, or after that fifth beer at the local pub.  

Personally, if you're a good judge of character, I've had great luck in the supermarket while perusing the vegetable and meat departments.  I find women seem to be attracted to men that know how to cook, especially those that steer them away from what might turn out to be a bad menu choice and into something simpler which will allow them some relaxation time.  And the opening, especially for the mature woman, is so obvious it hurts, "I'd be happy to show you how to do this... perhaps, tonight, over a bottle of Pinot Noir Blanc?" You can only hope she answers by recommending two.

Where not to look for love?  Bars, nightclubs, parties, sporting events, and anywhere else where alcohol flows freely, especially Tequila which doesn't necessarily make my clothes fall off (an ugly prospect, I'll admit) but it does make me forget what I did for most of the evening, and that can be just as ugly, especially if you're looking for anything serious other than a night in the drunk tank, or a DWI, DUI, WHWI, or that hangover which demands one fall to bended knee and pay homage to the god of the porcelain throne.  Oh, you might be wondering what a "WHWI" is? Well, I found out the police here in my sleepy little town might just stop me for "Walking Home While Intoxicated."  One just can't seem to catch a break.  Oh, even though tequila doesn't make my clothes fall off, I do forget where I put them.  I now take memory supplements.

I used the photo at the beginning of this post because it shows, what used to be, my woman of choice.  Not everything happens overnight, not good sense, and not good relationships.  And, not everything we work for works out like we planned.  Many times our best plans are overtaken by events that are beyond our control.  But, I've grown to believe people with patience eventually find each other.

Be happy.  Be truly happy with what you have, not with what you want.  The true happiness we seek is right in front of us.  It is a choice we have to make for our life.  We are usually too busy looking for it to see it, and it's usually not what we expected when we finally find it.  Why?  Because it is a choice.  It is a choice to strive for happiness always and in all things, regardless of your circumstances.

It is what it is until it isn't, and then it is what it is again.  Go figure.

“I'm about to make a wild, extreme and severe relationship rule: the word busy is a load of crap and is most often used by assholes. The word "busy" is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction. It seems like a good excuse, but in fact, in every silo you uncover, all you're going to find is a man who didn't care enough to call. Remember men are never too busy to get what they want.”

-- Greg Behrendt

Editor's Note

(Re: disclaimer cum "get out of jail free" card)

Before you go getting your panties in a bunch, it is essential to understand that this is just an opinion site and, as such, can be subjected to scrutiny by anyone with a differing opinion. It doesn't make either opinion any more right or wrong than the other. An opinion, presented in this context, is a way of inciting others to think and, hopefully, to form opinions of their own, if they haven't already done so. This is also why, occasionally, I will present an "opinion" just to stir an emotional pot. Where it may sound like I agree with the statements made, I'm more interested in getting others to consider an alternate viewpoint. 

It is my fervent hope that we keep open and active minds when reading opinions and while engaging in peaceful and constructive discussion, in an arena of mutual respect, concerning those opinions put forth. After over twenty years with military intelligence, I have come to believe engaging each other in this manner and in this arena is the way we will learn tolerance and respect for differing beliefs, cultures, and viewpoints.

We all fall from grace, some more often than others; it is part of being human. God's test for us is what we learn from the experience, and what we do afterward.

Pastor Tony spent 22 years with the United States Air Force Intelligence as a planner, analyst, briefer, instructor, and, finally, a senior manager. He spent 17 years, following his service career, working with the premier, world-renowned, Western Institutional Review Board helping to protect the rights of human subjects involved in pharmaceutical research.

Ordained 1n 2013 as an "interfaith" minister, he founded the Congregation for Religious Tolerance in response to intolerance shown by Christians toward peaceful Islam. As the weapon for his war on intolerance he chose the pen, and wages his "battle" in the guise of the Congregation's official online blog, The Path, of which he is both author and editor. "The Path" offers a vehicle for commentary and guidance concerning one's own personal, spiritual, path toward peace and the final destination for us all. He currently resides in Pass Christian, Mississippi, where he volunteered as the lead chaplain at a regional medical center.

Feel free to contact Pastor Tony:  tolerantpastor@gmail.com