My God

“Though we are incomplete, God loves us completely. Though we are imperfect, He loves us perfectly. Though we may feel lost and without compass, God's love encompasses us completely.  He loves every one of us, even those who are flawed, rejected, awkward, sorrowful, or broken.”

-- Dieter F. Uchtdorf, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

I was baptized a Catholic, my father’s religious heritage as his family all hailed from either Palermo or Messina, Sicily.  We went to church and I went to catechism prior to my First Communion.  I actually made it through two years of Catholic school at St. Angela’s before Mother Superior mentioned to my parents that it might be better if I continue to explore the virtues of secular education.  I never made it to my Confirmation, which is probably for the best, as I began to question certain discrepancies in the Holy Scripture, the biblical text.

High school in the late 1960s found me following the path of many young people as we search for alternate spiritual beliefs with the Krishna’s, Scientology, Zen, and many others.  My search continued into college, and for two years I signed up for every psychology course they offered.  I was making a 3.2 GPA for the first time in my life.  My professor’s plans for me to attend Stanford and continue toward a Psychology degree went south as my birth date was chosen as number nine on the military draft lottery during that little unpleasantness in Vietnam. I opted to join the Air Force.

As I entered the military in 1972, I was engaging in self-study of  Zen and Mahayana Buddhism.  This route inevitably led me to the writer/philosopher Lao Tzu (c. 500 BCE), and his philosophy of Taoism, as I continued my meditation and introspective self-analysis learned in college.  My two years of psychology background bought me a slot with Air Force Intelligence where I would learn how to, theoretically, send millions of innocent women and children to be with God using only one bomb.  I would spend the next 22 years of my life in a world of information collection, analysis, and the ever-popular concept of death and destruction we euphemistically referred to as "military deterrence."  The expression, “Kill them all and let God sort them out,”  did nothing to help me try and juggle the tenets of Christianity, Taoist philosophy, the death and destruction required by a strong military while embracing the Intelligence penchant for lies and deceit.

All through my military career, I kept running into “devout” Christians insisting that God loved me less because of my uniform while waving their bible in my face and quoting man’s interpretation of God’s "WORD" while they tried to convince me that their God of "death and destruction" really loved me.  Their hypocrisy was painful to watch and hear.  I was never able to justify a cruel and game playing God to myself.  If Christianity has the “WORD of God” then there would be no reason for multiple reinterpretations of what God said.  The problem isn’t with the WORD of God, the problem lies in the scripture set down on paper by fallible men with questionable agendas.

These were stories, not set to paper immediately; stories passed down, for up to hundreds of years, before being voted on by some pious counsel trying to determine which “words of God" were worthy of inclusion into a tome of parables we would come to know as Holy Scripture.  This doesn’t mean the Bible has no value, it simply means it's a great reference book to assist you along your path to God.

My spiritual belief system was never very strong due to all the doubt over scripture and Christianity.  But, don't get me wrong, God was always in my life, and I loved Jesus as a great prophet and teacher.  Then, in 2000, after being out of the military for four years, my marriage that I had fought to keep together for 20 years finally went south.  She took everything I owned, including my children, lied about me to the police, and had me arrested.  The woman I thought I loved, I ended up hating.  I had never hated anyone before.  I didn't like the emotion, but it kept me going.  It kept me alive.

Stress is a funny thing.  I had never thought about stress and I had never encountered hate in my life.  I found myself coming to the realization that I had just wasted one-third of my life married to a woman who never loved me.  She had used me as an escape route, and everyone knew it, except me.  I had reached the bottom of my emotional bucket.  I had given, and given, and given, and never thought about refilling the bucket.  I didn’t blame God.  I didn’t even blame this woman I hated so very much.  I immediately took the Sicilian high road and, as a man, blamed myself.  This was a "gun in your mouth" moment.  This was "bits of grey matter and blood sprayed across the living room wall" time.  This is where "I'll show her" comes into play.  Right?

Like a bad mystery novel, it really was a "dark a stormy night."    This is where I'll show her, what?  That she wins?  That all the lies she ever told about me were true?  And, what would this tell my children, or my parents, about who I really was?  I never paid attention to the little voices in my head.  I heard them loud and clear that particular evening.  I remember looking up, past the ceiling, and feeling a warm embrace of forgiveness and love that I had never experienced in my life.  I cried for a while.  I cried because of the realization of how small and insignificant I felt in the universe.  I cried because I knew at that moment I would never be at this point, the lowest point in my life, ever again.  Life is truly all about choice, and I was about to make the greatest choice of my life - to be happy.  To be happy always!

I cried until I started laughing.  I laughed with a joy that would define the rest of my life.  I got up off of the floor, stood erect, and looked through the ceiling once more.  I pointed my finger in the air and told myself there is only one way out of this empty bucket, this pit of despair I had fallen into – up!

I laughed and cried for the rest of the evening until I finally fell into a fitful sleep.  I had let loose of everything, all of the emotional baggage that I had been holding onto.  I had even, subconsciously, forgiven my soon-to-be ex-wife, although it would take several more years for me to finally realize it and actually put it into words so I could own it.  I even accepted the apology from her that I knew I was never going to hear.  I have only truly ever hated this one person, but any hatred is baggage you pay for every day you carry it, and it is not something you want to carry to your grave.  Better to get shed of it immediately, than to let it fester for more than a moment.

For the next fourteen years, I would be accused by those around me of being too damned happy all the time.  I was always whistling or humming, and I always had a kind word.  I went out of my way to make other people’s bad days a little bit rosier.  I left sticky notes, decorated with my own cartoon characters and a kind word, on computer monitors of fellow employees.  People asked me how I could always be so happy.  The alternative is putting a gun in your mouth.  The alternative sucks.  Better to be happy always!

My God isn’t the God of the Bible, the God that man used to judge others, justify wars, and to fulfill hidden agendas.  My God is a loving and forgiving God that doesn’t play favorites; everyone is equal in the eyes of God.  My God is more interested in you doing selfless good and developing a personal sense of faith.  When it comes down to it, what is evil really afraid of here?  Is it the Bible, or is it our undying faith in the unlimited love, grace, and glory of our God?  The Bible, the cross, and other items of religion are simply the focal point for the faith inside of us.  The tip of the spear with which to focus our righteous belief toward whatever evil confronts us.  The only fear of my God is that fear which I might create in my own mind.  Weeds can’t grow in a healthy, well-tended garden.  Get thee behind me Satan!  There is nothing for you here.

I finally reached the end of my ability to listen to those hypocritical Christians who would dare to condemn me for my personal spiritual beliefs, while they, in the same breath, condemn all of peaceful Islam for the actions of their own heretics.  As though Christianity had a laudable past. If this isn't the pot calling the kettle black, I don't know what is.

I went online and became an ordained minister.  I started the Congregation for Religious Tolerance as a vehicle to try to bring people together.  To ask people to take a moment and listen to each other before you condemn and, even then, to try and be understanding of their culture and their own issues.  We need to finally understand that we all can’t be right, nor does this mean that we are all wrong.  Ou peaceful faith, our peaceful spirituality, is our common denominator.  It matters not to God how we practice our faith, as long as it is a peaceful, loving, and enduring faith.  It matters to God that we have faith in God’s love for us.  It matters to God that we share that intense love, understanding, and forgiveness... with each other.  This is my God, and there is only one.

No human has the authority to wield the power of God, except God.

“Protestantism has the method of Jesus with His secret too much left out of mind; Catholicism has His secret with His method too much left out of mind; neither has His unerring balance, His intuition, His sweet reasonableness. But both have hold of a great truth, and get from it a great power.”

-- Matthew Arnold (1822-1888), poet and social critic

Editor's Note

(Re: disclaimer cum "get out of jail free" card)

Before you go getting your panties in a bunch, it is essential to understand that this is just an opinion site and, as such, can be subjected to scrutiny by anyone with a differing opinion. It doesn't make either opinion any more right or wrong than the other. An opinion, presented in this context, is a way of inciting others to think and, hopefully, to form opinions of their own, if they haven't already done so. This is also why, occasionally, I will present an "opinion" just to stir an emotional pot. Where it may sound like I agree with the statements made, I'm more interested in getting others to consider an alternate viewpoint. 

It is my fervent hope that we keep open and active minds when reading opinions and while engaging in peaceful and constructive discussion, in an arena of mutual respect, concerning those opinions put forth. After over twenty years with military intelligence, I have come to believe engaging each other in this manner and in this arena is the way we will learn tolerance and respect for differing beliefs, cultures, and viewpoints.

We all fall from grace, some more often than others; it is part of being human. God's test for us is what we learn from the experience, and what we do afterward.

Pastor Tony spent 22 years with the United States Air Force Intelligence as a planner, analyst, briefer, instructor, and senior manager. He spent 17 years, following his service career, working with the premier, world-renowned, Institutional Review Board helping to protect the rights of human subjects involved in pharmaceutical research. Ordained 1n 2013 as an "interfaith" minister, he founded the Congregation for Religious Tolerance in response to intolerance shown by Christians toward peaceful Islam. As the weapon for his war on intolerance he chose the pen, and wages his "battle" in the guise of the Congregation's official online blog, The Path, of which he is both author and editor. "The Path" offers a vehicle for commentary and guidance concerning one's own personal, spiritual, path toward peace and the final destination for us all. He currently resides in Pass Christian, Mississippi, where he volunteers as a chaplain at the regional medical center.