The Pity Party?

pit·y

ˈpidē/

noun

1. 1.

   the feeling of sorrow and compassion caused by the suffering and misfortunes of others.

   "her voice was full of pity"

   synonyms:

   compassion, commiseration, condolence, sympathy, fellow feeling,understanding; More
2. 2.

   a cause for regret or disappointment.

   "what a pity we can't be friends"

   synonyms:

   shame, sad thing, bad luck, misfortune; More

verb

1. 1.

   feel sorrow for the misfortunes of.

   "Clare didn't know whether to envy or pity them"

   synonyms:

   feel sorry for, feel for, sympathize with, empathize with, commiserate with, take pity on, be moved by, grieve for "they pitied me"

-- Google

Someone once said, "Misery loves company, but it hates confidence.  Be bold enough to say NO to anyone who invites you to a pity party."  I'm not certain why anybody would throw someone a "pity" party.  What's the point, besides enabling the pitiful to continue to be sad and miserable?  I've have come to learn it just never made much sense.  There are times when good people have bad things happen.  I know this, first hand.

"In life, you can blame a lot of people and you can wallow in self-pity, or you can pick yourself up and say, 'Listen, I have to be responsible for myself."

-- Howard Schultz, businessman

My divorce and everything surrounding it was my own descent into "self" pity, and "self-pity party" is what the party ought to be called, called but not condoned.  This is usually when other good, caring, loving people do the wrong things for all the right reasons.  People don't need to join those of us having the "self-pity party," thinking this is making us feel better.  On the contrary, have a quick moment of sympathy and then give us a hand.  Whether we realize it or not, we really don't want to be in this pit.  If that fails, you are not responsible for our happiness, and why should you join us in the pit when you have better things to do.  It's called tough love.  Don't love us by saying, "He just needs some time to wallow in the pit."  We need you to love us by reminding us there is more life out there to live.  If you're dying, there is more life out there you had better live in what time you have left.  What is self-pity going to accomplish, except waste that oh-so-precious time?  If you want to give us some time, let it be to consider the healthy dose of tender honesty you just unloaded on us in our hour of need.  Given time to chew down a piece of gristle, it will either tenderize or choke you.  Hopefully you'll reach some enlightenment before you choke.

"Self-pity is our worst enemy and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in this world."

-- Helen Keller (1880-1968), author, political activist, lecturer

Perpetual self-pity would seem to be a warning sign that the person may be a sociopath.  Their ability to get you into the pity party mentality is a way they try to exercise control.  Pretty soon you start finding yourself believing everything they say, even as the stories get more and more elaborate to the point of being out in left field.  I think those that knowingly, and intentionally, do this border on being psychopathic.  But, I think there are some that have been at the party so long they actually feel this is their normal life.  They are controlling but may not realize they're doing it or that it is wrong.

"Self-pity, a dominant characteristic of sociopaths, is also the characteristic that differentiates heroic storytelling from psychological rumination. When you talk about your experiences to shed light, you may feel wrenching pain, grief, anger, or shame. Your audience may pity you, but not because you want them to."

-- Martha Beck, author

As an interfaith minister, I occasionally take some grief for not jumping into the pity pit, the party, and for not showing more sympathy, empathy, and feeling, for those that find themselves at odds with their own God given happiness.  I have broad shoulders and can handle their misdirected grief better than they seem able to handle their aim and ability to crawl out of their seemingly constant pit of despair.  I simply have a difficult time enabling people to do the wrong thing for themselves.  A good friend of mine reminded me, recently, not to forget the people that were there for me when I needed them.  She was very correct in her criticism.  When I went through my tough time there were several people there for me, all were sympathetic, all empathized with my grief, all of them felt for me, and just about all of them enabled me.  Only one of them literally saved my life.  His sympathy lasted about... that long, before he basically told me to either pull the trigger or buck up.  You see, he'd been through several divorces so he had a terrific point of reference and a detailed map of the shaft I was about to get.  As he so indelicately pointed out, I would survive it.  All I had to do was embrace it, understand it, set a new goal and let the old one go, and he would always be there for me, if I needed my ass kicked some more.

"I tell people to monitor their self-pity. Self-pity is very unattractive."

-- Patty Duke, actress

What this man did right doesn't detract from the efforts of all the other dear friends that came to my support, and it doesn't mean their love and concern was any less.  I love them all dearly and, as my other dear friend reminded me, I now make the point to remember, and be appreciative of their efforts. But there is much to be said for a healthy serving of tough love, and when you're having a pity party it's always good to have someone bring a hearty bowl of it.  I recognized my need to be the captive audience for a good verbal lashing with the truth (hmmm, I may have to address masochistic bondage on another post).  I could have balked and cursed him, and thrown him out with derisive comments about his ideas on friendship when I thought I needed was more understanding and sympathy.  But, in truth, he is the good friend that gave me just what I needed, and he wouldn't have done that if he didn't truly understand and sympathize.

Some people may not understand what you're going through.  Some people may have no point of reference to your pain.  But, some people have a very good understanding of happiness, and what you need to do to get back on that path, regardless of what drove you into the dungeon of self-pity.

"Cherish the friend who tells you a harsh truth, wanting ten times more to tell you a loving lie."

-- Robert Brault, author

So, what's my humble conclusion?  Our life on this mortal plane is finite.  We waste enough of this precious commodity sleeping, working, eating, and vacating that which we ingest.  Why do we choose to spend what's left bemoaning what went before, how miserable we are now, or on what the future might, or might not, have in store for us?  Our life is what we make of it.  It is a reflection of what we have done with the gift God afforded us; some get more, some less, some make the most of it and some cry into their milk before and after it's spilled.  At the end of the day, it is what it is.  Deal with it.  With this in mind let's forget about having pity parties.  Let's crack open some wine, a few beers, and some bourbon to celebrate life!   There is so little of it we should celebrate it daily, and pity the fool that can't.  But make sure you only pit them for a moment.

Tough love is sometimes lost on people that need it most, and sometimes it just takes a few minutes for the truth of it all to sink in.  People really aren't that dense; we just tend to live life in denial of that truth which we'd rather not face.  Is it late?  Maybe it's time to look in the mirror and take stock of you.  Maybe it's time for the party to break up so you can get some rest.  

Tomorrow can be the start of a new day, the first day of the rest of your life.  This I know. 

"The Lord bestows his blessings there,

where he finds the vessels empty."

-- Thomas a Kempis (1380-1471), "The Imitation of Christ"

Editor's Note:  

Before you go getting your panties in a bunch, it is essential to understand that this is just an opinion site and, as such, can be subjected to scrutiny by anyone with a differing opinion.  It doesn't make either opinion any more right or wrong than the other.  An opinion, presented in this context, is a way of inciting others to think and, hopefully, to form opinions of their own, if they haven't already done so.

It is my fervent hope that we keep open and active minds when reading opinions and then engaging in peaceful, constructive, discussion and debate in an arena of mutual respect concerning the opinions put forth.  After over twenty years as a military intelligence analyst, planner, and briefer, I have come to believe engaging each other in this manner and in this arena is the way we will learn tolerance and respect for differing beliefs, cultures, and viewpoints.

We all fall from grace, some more often than others; it is part of being human.  God's test for us is what we do afterward, and what we learn from the experience.
  

Pastor Frank Anthony Villari

Pastor Tony is founder of the Congregation for Religious Tolerance and author/editor of the Congregation's official blog site, "The Path."