Guest Post: PTSD - Where's the Broom to Clean up This Mess?

“Trauma destroys the fabric of time. In normal time you move from one moment to the next, sunrise to sunset, birth to death. After trauma, you may move in circles, find yourself being sucked backwards into an eddy or bouncing like a rubber ball from now to then to back again. ... In the traumatic universe the basic laws of matter are suspended: ceiling fans can be helicopters, car exhaust can be mustard gas.”

-- David J. Morris, The Evil Hours: A Biography of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

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Where's the Broom to Clean up This Mess?

A follow up to The Silent Demon, this is Part 3 in a series of many more. Again, I must warn, some parts of this blog may be upsetting especially to those who have combat PTSD, may have a loved one who suffers from it or, out of desperation, taken his/her life into their own hands. It is not my intention to upset anyone. My only intent is to shed the bright light of my own experience on what some see as a taboo subject that should be hidden in the shadows.

Well, another day goes by and, as a spouse with all I have seen our veterans and active duty go through in my short life span, I fear looking at the date on the calendar. Night has fallen and as the sun set our old nemesis, Mr. PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), broke into what is left of my husband’s mind again.

All I can do is struggle, to help as many as I can, however I can, and as I hold my husband’s hand I thank our higher powers that he is still alive. I struggle to help him through the night, as he screams and thrashes the whole way through. Trying my best to stay awake, to make sure my husband does not try to stand at the slightest noise, on legs that barely work, as he is shouting orders and grabbing what he thinks is his weapon (the kitchen broom) to spring into action.

My husband is almost completely deaf and has to wear hearing aids, or be able to read my lips just to hear me say I love him when my face is less than two inches away from his. Sitting next to him at a restaurant, on a rare date, I ask him to pass me the salt and his beautiful reply is, “I love you too baby.” Well, I guess since his return from Iraq has ensured I am now on anxiety and high blood pressure medications from the daily stress of life, he is just showing me he loves me by limiting my salt intake.

I am thankful someone cares about me, seeing as the military believes if they wanted him to have a wife they would have issued him one. Those were the 1st words in greeting me out of a sergeant’s mouth. At the time, as I held back the desire to come unglued, I politely reminded the sergeant (as I could muster), that I still had a copy of the paper, I was made to sign, stating that I supported his decision to join the military. So in my humble opinion I issued my husband to you, Uncle Sam! As I politely told the group of higher ranking personnel, and anyone else in ear shot, the next time someone used that age old phrase in my face I would NOT be as polite. 

I wonder, if the military would have been more concerned with issuing my husband a decent spiritual leader to turn to while on the front lines, instead of the fact that he was a very happily married solider, would my husband have felt like his life was more worth living. Maybe if my husband had hidden his personal/spiritual beliefs and lived a lie he may not have had his first nervous breakdown in Iraq. Maybe his life might have been worth something to that alleged “spiritual leader.” Better training would have been a good idea, seeing as my husband went to AIT school for communications and when his boots first hit ground he was removed from his unit and placed on the front lines because he was the best man for the mission. His ASVAB test scores were 3 points from him being able to go into a nuclear career field with the navy, but because he only had a high school GED they did not want him. For me as a spouse, an unsung blessing!

It seems when it comes to our government and Veterans Affairs, they have spent much time asleep on the job. They have a certain set of rules and if you do not follow them to a T you are turning down the ONLY cookie cutter help they offer. Mass murderers have more benefits and rights than those who serve our country; they at least get 3 meals a day, access to free health care, and a Chaplain that many times, no matter what their beliefs, will be there for them.

Wow! The home of the Free because of the brave you say? Where? It seems when we as a people vote, what are supposed to be trusted, politicians into office, there is no such thing as the lesser of two evils. Do you vote for the devil, or his offspring? They are all actors and the world IS THEIR STAGE! The world has, for quite some time, seemed to be an elite, theatrical, playground only for those born into a life of money, power, and greed. 

So I have to ask, where is the broom to clean up this mess? Mine sits by my husband, 24/7/365, waiting for the call to action. In closing, once again, thank you is not near enough in my book.

~Gypsy/Tuth Dreamer~ 

End of Guest Post

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“The victims of PTSD often feel morally tainted by their experiences, unable to recover confidence in their own goodness, trapped in a sort of spiritual solitary confinement, looking back at the rest of the world from beyond the barrier of what happened. They find themselves unable to communicate their condition to those who remained at home, resenting civilians for their blind innocence.

The Moral Injury, New York Times. Feb 17, 2015”

-- David Brooks, New York Times columnist, political/cultural commentator

Once again, my friend Gypsy, bears a piece of her soul to try and deliver a message, a description, an explanation of what it is like for not only the victim of PTSD, but also the loved ones around them that must also suffer their trauma of battle.  Do they suffer this because they have to?  In a way, yes; it is what you do for those you love.  You hurt, you endure, you empathize, sympathize, and you love.

"Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends."

-- John 15:13

Can any of us give them less?  They have gone off to foreign lands, perhaps to die alone in some empty desert, and ask nothing but an insignificant paycheck.  They would be the first to deny the title of hero, and few ask the respect they so richly deserve.  Yet, this country seems to provide little for those suffering the effects of the fine job they have done.  We shake their hand and dump them back into society.  Hell, even this sorry excuse for a military chaplain turned his back on one of their own simply because of a difference in spiritual belief.  Our lack of tolerance, understanding, and love can be, at times, intolerable.  And yet, these men and women would be the first to volunteer to go back to the battlefield, perhaps to help those comrades they left behind, perhaps in an unconscious, suicidal, attempt to end the pain.  "Greater love hath no man than this..."

Editor's Note:  

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It is my fervent hope that we keep open and active minds when reading opinions and then engaging in peaceful, constructive, discussion and debate in an arena of mutual respect concerning the opinions put forth.  After over twenty years as a military intelligence analyst, planner, and briefer, I have come to believe engaging each other in this manner and in this arena is the way we will learn tolerance and respect for differing beliefs, cultures, and viewpoints.

We all fall from grace, some more often than others; it is part of being human.  God's test for us is what we do afterward, and what we learn from the experience.
  

Pastor Frank Anthony Villari

Pastor Tony is founder of the Congregation for Religious Tolerance and author/editor of the Congregation's official blog site, "The Path."