Memories and Love Lost

"Old age has its pleasures, which, though different, 

are not less than the pleasures of youth."

W. Somerset Maugham (1874-1965), playwright

I am of the firm belief that love lost, was never really love at all.  I loved my ex-wife up to the day I finally was forced to admit our relationship wasn't.  But, I had loved her for a reason.  I continued to love her for a reason, throughout our troubles, and tried to make it work for years, even while it self-destructed.  I loved her for a reason.  

I hated her for years afterward, until I finally realized the hate was eating me up for something that I was ultimately as much to blame for.  Throughout it all, including the hate, I still loved her.  Why would I have married her if I didn't love her?  If I loved her, what would it say about me if I could just turn that love off?  Would it say I spent over twenty years living a lie?  Maybe, but it wasn't my lie.  Thinking back on my life, I have loved many people that I haven't necessarily liked a whole bunch.  Was it stupid?  A waste of time?  I don't think so.  I think these are experiences, people, and memories, that shape who we are and who we will ultimately become.

I am a self-trained artist in several media, including photography.  I have sold art and won awards, so I guess I'm pretty good at it, though I'm my own worse critic and, most times, I don't see the appeal.  Art has to speak to me, as I think it has to speak to most people.  It must have a message; something that grabs us and takes us somewhere.  The artwork may not be my cup of tea but, if it transports me somewhere, I can love the effect without liking the art.  This header piece I have used, above, speaks volumes to me.  I would love to have a large print of this in my house.  It speaks novels to me, and short stories my mind has yet to write.  It brings forth a flood of memories, good and bad, long buried.

"People often say 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder,' and I say that the most liberating thing about beauty is realizing that you are the beholder.  This empowers us to find beauty in places where others have not dared to look, including inside ourselves."

-- Selma Hayek, actress

I could write a lengthy, boring, post over why love is lost, blame to be assigned, to cry or not to cry, you know, all the obvious stuff.  The bottom line is, you really need to get over it.  One, or both, of you didn't give it your all; time to move on.  Was it a waste of time?  Only, I think, if you take absolutely nothing away from the relationship.  For me, I was blessed with two great kids, two beautiful grandkids, and a butt load of great memories that far outweigh the ones that used to be a yoke around my neck.  Was this twenty plus years a waste?  I think not.  

We need to stop beating up the good memories along with the bad.  The bad memories are there as life lessons, and the good are there to make us smile and realize it was time, for the most part, well spent.  This last will be a point of contention for those that wallow in denial and self-pity, and for those I offer this thought, coming from one who's been there:  If it was that bad, why did you stay so long and, if you stayed, why is your decision to do so their fault?  Why are they in charge of your happiness?  And, also, who put you in charge of theirs?  If you really look down deep there will be enough blame to go around so, again, maybe it's time to get over it.

You loved for a reason, or it wasn't love.  If it wasn't love it was probably lust.  If it wasn't lust, it was probably stupidity, and you really can't cure stupid.  But, you can try to learn from the mistakes without dwelling on them.  If you must dwell on some part of a relationship, try finding the memories of the fun times, the good times, the times that made you fall in love, lust, and/or stupidity.  Sometimes our memories are all we have when all else has disappeared.  Try to spend more time relishing what you have, and less on what has gone hasta-la-bye-bye.  I think you'll find happiness returns much faster and, since people are attracted to happiness, you just might find a stronger relationship to make more memories with.

Like the scene in the artwork, above, I think I might ultimately find myself, having crossed the "older than dirt" barrier, on some rickety wooden dock that creaks as much as I probably will.  I'll be sitting on the hard bench with my umbrella and overcoat to ward off the drizzle and evening chill.  I will look across the water and revisit memories of family, friends, and my many loves.  I will smile as tears of joy adorn my aged and wrinkled face.  I'll shove the two day old stub of an expensive, well-chewed, cigar back between my lips, and look down at the opened bottle of bourbon.  As I reach for one last sip, I begin to dream.  

I will be discovered there, soon or later, having passed peacefully.  I will be frozen in time, like a photograph, my finger just touching the bottle, a smile forever on my lips. 

Memories are a terrible thing to waste on anger.

"It's great to reminisce about good memories of my past.  It was enjoyable when it was today.  So learning to enjoy today has two benefits: it gives me happiness right now, and it becomes a good memory later."

-- George Foreman, athlete, professional boxer

Editor's Note:  

Before you go getting your panties in a bunch, it is essential to understand that this is just an opinion site and, as such, can be subjected to scrutiny by anyone with a differing opinion.  It doesn't make either opinion any more right or wrong than the other.  An opinion, presented in this context, is a way of inciting others to think and, hopefully, to form opinions of their own, if they haven't already done so.

It is my fervent hope that we keep open and active minds when reading opinions and then engaging in peaceful, constructive, discussion and debate in an arena of mutual respect concerning the opinions put forth.  After over twenty years as a military intelligence analyst, planner, and briefer, I have come to believe engaging each other in this manner and in this arena is the way we will learn tolerance and respect for differing beliefs, cultures, and viewpoints.

We all fall from grace, some more often than others; it is part of being human.  God's test for us is what we do afterward, and what we learn from the experience.
  

Pastor Frank Anthony Villari

Pastor Tony is founder of the Congregation for Religious Tolerance and author/editor of the Congregation's official blog site, "The Path."