Getting Older

"Good God! How often are we to die before we go quite off this stage? In every friend we lose a part of ourselves, and the best part."

-- Alexander Pope (1688-1744), poet

The eyes are truly windows to the soul.  Have you ever really looked into the eyes of a person that is over the age of ninety?  For so many of them, the lights are not only on, but there are disco balls and parties happening, as well.  Behind it all, there is a cornucopia of information spanning history, emotion, religion, philosophy, pain and suffering, love and loss.  There is an unspoken reality that they are the last of their world, and a sparkle when they see young people who recognize they are heirs to a rich legacy.

I have watched my dad grow older.  I have watched as his attitudes about life, love, and tolerance have changed through the years.  I have watched my mother change along with him, at times wondering if her changes were in response to his, and discovering they're her own.  I have watched them deal with social changes concerning race, equality, and sexuality.  I have watched as they became friends with a gay couple that lived next to them.  I watched as they became unforgiving of Islam because they didn't understand and, when the finally did, they condemned Islam for refusing to call out their own heretics.

I have watched dad as his friends grew old and died around him.  There are few, if any, of his old friends still alive.  Sometimes I think I can see this sadness in his eyes and I wonder what he's thinking.  It's one of those things we haven't talked much about except in, well, passing.  I have an idea of how must feel to him, though.  I distanced myself from my own high school alumni association because the newsletter became a running obituary, and I was only 50 at the time! 

My dad lives to cook, bake, make a killing in the stock market, and watch FOX News and CNBC business.  He dabbles in real estate, She takes care of their three cats and reads a lot.  I think she would like to have a real estate project, to stay active.  In our eighties, we should all be this active.

I wish I had been like my mom and dad.  I have their gift for making friends, but where they always had people over for dinner and parties, I have kept my friends at arm's length throughout my life.  I have found trust to be a fleeting concept which probably molded my attitude toward having friends, turning me into an uncompromising person at times.  This served me well in the military where it is one thing to learn how to kill en masse, and a real eye-opener to realize you can turn off caring if you do.  It is patriotically great for the country, emotionally corrupting for the individual, and devastating for the marriage that has to deal with a lack of emotional commitment and honesty.

As I got older, I mellowed.  I removed violence from my life and my soul, with months of introspection, both personal and clinical.  I spent so many years being someone else all the time; it was relieving to finally admit I could just be myself.  The problem:  I didn't really know who I was.  It took me another 15 years to find me.  Now, I'm also learning to change in other ways.  For instance, it isn't that important to have more money than necessary to be comfortable; no job is worth ruining your life for; if you have stress you need to lose it; I don't have to like you to love you; I can agree to disagree; and I really don't give a tinker's damn what other people think about me since I'm the one I have to look at in the mirror every evening with full knowledge I've fought the good fight for another day.

I have also come to grips with certain undeniable truths.  I think everyone comes to these same conclusions as we reach our waning years.  There needs to be a balance in the universe; friends die, and sooner or later we follow; we need to work for survival and for our own growth; we need to pay taxes to Caesar; we need to vote or shut the hell up; we need to live by a code of ethics which we will constantly be at odds with because we are sinners, and sinning seems to be what we're really good at; there is an undefinable omnipotent power in the universe, whether we call it energy, Tao, the light side of "The Force" or the dark, and everyone needs to realize the God that can be defined is not the true God, but have faith anyway; children are God's greatest gift; and, finally, we need to love ourselves so we can learn how to love and be loved by others.

The few friends I have, I still hold at arm's length.  Some things are just hard to change, but I'm getting better at letting people in the gates.  The few old friends I have, I see infrequently, if at all, but we do email or phone.  Two of them I have known since we were 9 or 10, and one other I was in the Air Force with back in the late 70s.  My newest friend lives closer, I have known him for about 15 years.  We visit occasionally, but still not as much as we should.  One thing I think all of us agree on, however, is that we will always be friends.  As we all get older I do not contemplate their passing or my own mortality for that matter.  I do think, in my next life, I would like to do things differently.  I'd like to have a multitude of friends around me, close around me, and a large family of children and grandchildren.  I think that would be nice, as I have wasted most of this life, since the divorce, being alone, even when I'm not.

One of my good friends once told me that, deep in her heart, she knows we'll all be together on a porch when we're in our 80s, in rocking chairs, laughing about old times and having cocktails while poking each other with our canes and calling each other rude names.

I can't wait.

We'll be friends until I am senile, then we'll be new friends.

-- Anonymous

Editor's Note

(Re: disclaimer cum "get out of jail free" card)

Before you go getting your panties in a bunch, it is essential to understand that this is just an opinion site and, as such, can be subjected to scrutiny by anyone with a differing opinion. It doesn't make either opinion any more right or wrong than the other. An opinion, presented in this context, is a way of inciting others to think and, hopefully, to form opinions of their own, if they haven't already done so. This is also why, occasionally, I will present an "opinion" just to stir an emotional pot. Where it may sound like I agree with the statements made, I'm more interested in getting others to consider an alternate viewpoint. 

It is my fervent hope that we keep open and active minds when reading opinions and while engaging in peaceful and constructive discussion, in an arena of mutual respect, concerning those opinions put forth. After over twenty years with military intelligence, I have come to believe engaging each other in this manner and in this arena is the way we will learn tolerance and respect for differing beliefs, cultures, and viewpoints.

We all fall from grace, some more often than others; it is part of being human. God's test for us is what we learn from the experience, and what we do afterward.

Pastor Tony spent 22 years with United States Air Force Intelligence as a planner, analyst, briefer, instructor, and senior manager. He spent 17 years, following his service career, working with the premier, world renowned, Institutional Review Board helping to protect the rights of human subjects involved in pharmaceutical research. Ordained 1n 2013 as an "interfaith" minister, he founded the Congregation for Religious Tolerance in response to intolerance shown by Christians toward peaceful Islam. As the weapon for his war on intolerance he chose the pen, and wages his "battle" in the guise of the Congregation's official online blog, The Path, of which he is both author and editor. "The Path" offers a vehicle for commentary and guidance concerning one's own personal, spiritual, path toward peace and the final destination for us all. He currently resides in Pass Christian, Mississippi, where he volunteers as lead Chaplain and Chaplain Program Liaison, at the regional medical center.