Crayons

They say my love is like chalk,
that I can write it on
and erase it whenever I choose. 
But, they're wrong. 
I use crayons.

Someone, probably my ex-wife, once told me that love can be switched off.  If you don't love someone anymore, just flip the switch.  No harm, no foul.  And then they said I knew what that was like, didn't I?  After I heard this, I went to my room and wrote this verse, "They say my love is like chalk, that I can write it on and erase it whenever I choose.  But, they're wrong.  I use crayons."  I guess, in this respect, I'm old-school.  I didn't do well in school.

I'm an idiot.  Like most of us, I have loved more than a few times in my life, many of them for all the wrong reasons.  I finally started calling it, "falling in lust" just to make myself feel better when it all fell apart, and it would, sooner than later.  I used to try and remember the names, but I was lousy at remembering names; always have been.  The faces I remember.  The emotion I remember.  And the feeling of having my heart crushed under their stomping heel, I remember.  I still love them all, in my own way.  I did say I'm an idiot, right?

After a while, you give up.  You begin to realize what you're looking for in a relationship isn't what you were put here for.  You begin your search for something greater.  You leave what you know behind.  You begin to search the world over.  You search the bars, the nightclubs, the "exotic" side of nightlife, looking for the reason.  Is this all there is?  And, once again, what you ultimately find isn't what you were really looking for.  You have to ask the right question - "Why?"  

For a few of the weaker among us, it happens like a murder mystery, one dark and stormy night.  You finally "find" yourself.  You find yourself on your knees in a candlelit living room, in a house someone let you use until you get back on your feet from the nasty divorce.  You're probably french kissing a gun barrel, wondering if you actually have the cajones to pull the trigger and ruin your friend's expensive furniture.  

You're looking for a reason to do it; like there aren't too many to choose from already.  I mean, you've determined, with little evidence, life as you know it is over.  You've chosen the how, and the when is at hand.  Now you're asking yourself what pulling the trigger will prove, and to whom?  Your mind wanders as you try to put it all together.  A little pain, a little pleasure.  Like the memory of a stinging slap, you suddenly "find" yourself.  You feel your cheek and smile.  You realize you can't answer why you're contemplating the end of life if you can't answer the other questions honestly.  Unlike good journalism, which nobody practices anymore, the story lacks an element of honest cohesion.  You will pull the trigger to validate all the lies you've told yourself.  

Life is complicated, but it is life.  Life is all about choices we must make for ourselves.  We determine who we work for, who we marry, what investments we buy, how to mentor our children, if we join the military, and so on.  It is our choice to do these things.  It is also our choice to end it all.  Of course, if I'm right, you will end up right back at birth to try it all again and see if the outcome is different; see if you learn the lessons you were supposed to learn in life to help you not repeat this one and make it into the next life.  What?  you thought suicide was a free pass?  Be real.

There is no erasing our history.  We carry it like so much baggage we are afraid to part with.  We write our emotions with crayon, India ink, or permanent marker.  Chalk is not available and, if you do find some, you will surely go insane using it  We haunt ourselves with the memories of those we knew, still know and, if we're really twisted upstairs, those we will soon come to know.  We write what will happen in the uncertain next moment on the back of a napkin in the nightclub of our mind, and then go about making it come true... if we can.  Love?  Sure, but I'm an idiot, remember?  Like most of us, I have loved more than a few times in my life, and I may again, many of them for all the wrong reasons.  You can't really plan love, it just happens.  It doesn't have to involve intimacy.  You can love your friends dearly.  

But, I will love them all, regardless, and I don't use chalk.

Editor's Note

(Re: disclaimer cum "get out of jail free" card)

Before you go getting your panties in a bunch, it is essential to understand that this is just an opinion site and, as such, can be subjected to scrutiny by anyone with a differing opinion. It doesn't make either opinion any more right or wrong than the other. An opinion, presented in this context, is a way of inciting others to think and, hopefully, to form opinions of their own, if they haven't already done so. This is also why, occasionally, I will present an "opinion" just to stir an emotional pot. Where it may sound like I agree with the statements made, I'm more interested in getting others to consider an alternate viewpoint. 

It is my fervent hope that we keep open and active minds when reading opinions and while engaging in peaceful and constructive discussion, in an arena of mutual respect, concerning those opinions put forth. After over twenty years with military intelligence, I have come to believe engaging each other in this manner and in this arena is the way we will learn tolerance and respect for differing beliefs, cultures, and viewpoints.

We all fall from grace, some more often than others; it is part of being human. God's test for us is what we learn from the experience, and what we do afterward.

Pastor Tony spent 22 years with the United States Air Force Intelligence as a planner, analyst, briefer, instructor, and senior manager. He spent 17 years, following his service career, working with the premier, world-renowned, Institutional Review Board helping to protect the rights of human subjects involved in pharmaceutical research. Ordained 1n 2013 as an "interfaith" minister, he founded the Congregation for Religious Tolerance in response to intolerance shown by Christians toward peaceful Islam. As the weapon for his war on intolerance he chose the pen, and wages his "battle" in the guise of the Congregation's official online blog, The Path, of which he is both author and editor. "The Path" offers a vehicle for commentary and guidance concerning one's own personal, spiritual, path toward peace and the final destination for us all. He currently resides in Pass Christian, Mississippi, where he volunteers as lead Chaplain and Chaplain Program Liaison, at the regional medical center.