Memories and Love Lost (Updated from 3/31/2015)

"Old age has its pleasures, which, though different, are not less than the pleasures of youth."

W. Somerset Maugham (1874-1965)

I am of the firm belief that love lost, was never really love at all.  I loved my ex-wife up to the day I finally was forced to admit our relationship wasn't.  But, I had loved her for a reason.  I continue to love her for a reason.  Throughout our troubles, I tried to make it work - for years, even while it self-destructed.  The point?  Again, I loved her for a reason.  

I hated her for years afterward, until I finally realized the hate was eating me up for something that I was ultimately as much to blame for.  Throughout it all, including the hate, I still loved her.  Why would I have married her if I didn't love her?  If I loved her, what would it say about me if I could just turn that love off?  Would it say I spent twenty-five years living a lie?  Maybe, but it wasn't my lie.  Thinking back on my life, I have loved many people that I haven't necessarily liked a whole bunch.  Was it stupid?  A waste of time?  I don't think so.  I think these are experiences, people, and memories, that shape who we are and who we will ultimately become. I have arrived.

I am a self-trained artist in several media, including photography.  I have sold art and won awards, so I guess I'm pretty good at it.  I'm my worst critic and, most times, I don't see the appeal.  Art has to speak to me, as I think it has to speak to most people.  It must have a message; something that grabs us and takes us somewhere.  The artwork may not be my cup of tea but, if it transports me somewhere, I can love the effect without liking the art.  The title of this article speaks volumes to me.  I would love to have a large print of this in my house.  It speaks novels to me, and the short stories my mind has yet to write.  It brings forth a flood of memories, good and bad, and long buried.

"People often say 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder,' and I say that the most liberating thing about beauty is realizing that you are the beholder.  This empowers us to find beauty in places where others have not dared to look, including inside ourselves."

-- Selma Hayek

I could write a lengthy, boring post about why love is lost, blame assigned, cry or not cry, all the obvious stuff.  The bottom line? You really need to get over it.  One, or both of you, didn't give it your all; so time to move on.  Was it a waste of time?  Only, I think, if you take absolutely nothing away from the relationship.  For me, I was blessed with two great kids, two beautiful grandkids, and a butt load of great memories that far outweigh the memories that were a yoke around my neck.  Was the twenty-five years of marriage a waste?  I think not.  

We need to stop beating up the good memories along with the bad ones.  The bad memories are there as life lessons, and the good ones are to make us smile and realize it was time, for the most part, well spent.  This last will be a point of contention for those who wallow in denial and self-pity.  For those folks I offer this thought, coming from one who's been there:  If it was that bad, why did you stay so long, and, if you stayed, why is your decision to do so their fault?  When did you put them in charge of your happiness?  And, also, who put you in charge of theirs?  If you look down deep, there will be enough blame to go around, so, again, maybe it's time to get over it.

You loved for a reason, or it wasn't love.  If it wasn't love it was probably lust.  If it wasn't lust, it was probably stupidity, and you can't cure stupid, can you?  But, you can try to learn from the mistakes without dwelling on them.  If you must dwell on some part of a relationship, try finding the memories of the fun times, the good times, the times that made you fall in love, lust, and/or stupidity.  Sometimes our memories are all we have when all else has disappeared.  Try to spend more time relishing what you have, and less on what has gone hasta-la-bye-bye.  I think you'll find happiness returns much faster. Since people are attracted to happiness, you just might find a stronger relationship with someone to make more memories with.

'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

-- Alfred Lord Tennyson (1809-1892)

Was it never meant to be, or, was it meant to be fulfilled?  This question, posted by a fellow minister, piqued my interest.  Was "lost love" never meant to be, or, was there a purpose in the relationship that was, perhaps, greater than the relationship itself?  Was this "meeting" to fulfill some necessity in the cosmic "grand plan"?

Well, I'll consider my own failed marriage.  It probably should have ended much sooner than it did, perhaps before the birth of my daughter, but something made me hold on.  As it turns out, my darling daughter has produced two wonderful children and she is the doting mother.  Since it turned out, so far, she is the only one of the two kids to grace me with grandkids.  Was this a failure?  Did my marriage manage to bear the stress until after my daughter arrived, just so she could produce a child that might be the catalyst for some other future action?  If so, then what was meant to be, was fulfilled.  If not, then God just graced the world with one terrific mother.

"Love is divine only and difficult always. If you think it is easy you are a fool. If you think it is natural you are blind. It is a learned application without reason or motive except that it is God."

-- Toni Morrison, Nobel Prize in Literature, Medal of Freedom

(Okay, are you ready?  I'm about to wander off into left field for a moment, as I do from time to time.  I'd ask you to bear with me but, what's the point.)

This whole question of fate - what was meant to be, bodes the question of what part of God's cosmic plan runs amok when monsters like the Nazis, ISIS, and Hamas, are allowed to exist?  Or, are these horrors also meant to set the cosmic scales back into balance; to set some other action in motion, to set another mistake right?  The philosophy behind the thinking can literally take us from the butterfly flapping its wings in Mexico and causing air movement that destroys crops, ruins an economy, and leads to nuclear war on the other side of the globe.  It offers up for us the real possibility that even the smallest of things can have tremendous impact, and consequences, for our lives, the lives of others, and perhaps the universe.  What we consider "failed romances" may, indeed, have all been for a higher purpose.

This whole idea of consequences also brings the morality of abortion around to the question of just what possible savior of mankind are we killing in utero.  If we treat abortion as simply a fact of life, like our relationships, we might lose sight of the possible consequences.  I equate this to the human version of destroying our rainforests just as we begin to realize they are the possible source of cures for most of what ails mankind.  With abortion don't we run the risk of losing the next Einstein, Bach, Angelou, Tennyson, or Mr. Rogers?  Are the consequences of our actions worth the possible loss?

On the flip side is the possibility that the next mass murderer is never born.  We are left with a risk/reward study that is heavily weighted to the moral side of the scale.  Better to let them all live and handle the evil when it rears its ugly head.  Consequences of the small ripples each of us cause in our sea of humanity.

"Better to have never met you in my dream than to wake and reach for hands that are not there."

-- Otomo No Yakamochi (718-785)

So, what of the love lost?  Was it never meant to be, or was it, perhaps, that what was meant to be was fulfilled?  Or, does it really matter in the first place?  What was, was, and are memories. What is, is, and... now are memories. What will be, will be, and is what we make, or don't make, of our dreams, and this future, will also succumb to memory. All was meant to be, and all will be fulfilled, right?  Be careful, then, about an answer, for it, too, was probably always meant to be.

As for myself, I think we meet people again and again throughout our many lives.  Friends reappear like wildflowers in spring, and enemies find us like the cold breeze of winter.  Like death and taxes, we can truly not escape either.

"It's great to reminisce about good memories of my past. It was enjoyable when it was today. So learning to enjoy today has two benefits: it gives me happiness right now, and it becomes a good memory later."

-- George Foreman

Like the scene in the dark artwork, above at the beginning, I think I might ultimately find myself, having crossed the "older than dirt" barrier, on some rickety wooden dock that creaks as much as I probably will.  I'll be sitting on the hard bench with my umbrella and overcoat to ward off the drizzle and evening chill.  I will look across the water and revisit memories of family, friends, and my many loves.  I will smile as tears of joy adorn my aged and wrinkled face.  I'll shove the two-day-old stub of an expensive, well-chewed, cigar back between my lips, and look down at the opened bottle of bourbon.  As I reach another sip, I begin to dream.  

I will be discovered there, sooner or later, having passed peacefully.  I will be frozen in time, like a photograph, my finger just touching the bottle, a smile forever on my lips. 

Memories are a terrible thing to waste on anger.

I look forward, fondly, to meeting all again:  

"It is better to have loved you... and lost you, then never to have loved you at all. As each life comes and goes, I so look forward to suffering our meeting one more time; to suffer loving you again, and losing you, as always. This curse upon me, for some slight to God of which I have long since forgotten many lifetimes past, keeps me humble before my Lord. One day I will earn favor, and on that day, in that life, love lost will be love found again, and a bit of balance will be restored. Until then, I dream."

-- F.A. Villari

 

Editor's Note

(Re: disclaimer cum "get out of jail free" card)

Before you go getting your panties in a bunch - it is essential to understand that this is just an opinion site and, as such, can be subjected to scrutiny by anyone with a differing opinion. It doesn't make either view any more right or wrong than the other. Opinion, presented in this context, is a way of inciting others to think and, hopefully, to form their own opinions, if they haven't already done so. This is also why, occasionally, I will present an "opinion" just to stir an emotional pot. Where it may sound like I agree with the statements made, I'm more interested in getting others to consider an alternate viewpoint.

I fervently hope that we keep open and active minds when reading opinions while engaging in peaceful and constructive discussion in an arena of mutual respect concerning those opinions offered. After twenty-three years of military intelligence, I believe that engaging each other in this manner, and in this arena, is a way we will learn tolerance and respect for differing beliefs, cultures, and viewpoints.

We all fall from grace, some more often than others; it is part of being human. God's test for us is what we learn from the experience... and what we do afterward.

Pastor Tony spent 22 years with United States Air Force Intelligence as a planner, analyst, briefer, instructor, and senior manager. Following his service career, he spent 17 years working with the premier and world-renowned Western Institutional Review Board, helping to protect the rights of human subjects involved in pharmaceutical research. He also served 8 years on the Board of Directors for the Angela J. Bowen Foundation.

Ordained in 2013 as an "interfaith" minister, he founded the Congregation for Religious Tolerance in response to intolerance shown by Christians toward peaceful Islam. As a weapon for his war on intolerance, he chose the pen. He wages his "battle" in the guise of the Congregation's official online blog, The Path, of which he is both author and editor. "The Path" offers a vehicle for commentary and guidance concerning one's personal, spiritual path toward peace and the final destination for us all. He resides in Pass Christian, Mississippi, where he volunteered as the lead chaplain at a regional medical center.

Feel free to contact Pastor Tony at: tolerantpastor@gmail.com