My Sunday Thought for 07172016: Deep in My Heart...

Down deep in my heart, I know I'm a loner.  I think I have known this since grade school.  Oh, I wasn't an introvert, my goodness; I was so much the opposite.  I was picked on, bullied is the new term, for most of my pre-high school years because I was the small, geeky kid with "coke bottle bottom" glasses.  Back then suicide was not so much the option as was just sucking it up or fighting back.  After I finally got pissed off in high school and stood up for myself, I then began standing up for others too weak to defend themselves.  I quickly learned to outrun my mouth's effortless ability to belittle bullies in front of their girlfriends, but this taught me valuable information... girls don't like to be associated with bullies, especially when he's being dressed down by a kid two-thirds his size with a greater command of the English language than just emitting an occasional low-brow grunt (thank you, Mrs. Hummel).

Maybe it had something to do with being an only child but, when it came to friends, I always kept my dance book to a minimum.  Friends came and went, and I suppose I just got tired of the emotional rollercoaster involved with loss, especially after I had to deal with job related deaths of friends and coworkers; my military "desk job" with undesirable fringe benefits.  Post-traumatic stress, shell shock, was something that happened to the other guys, the ones in combat... yeah, right (refer to the paragraph on failed marriages, below).

Military intelligence was made for people like me, the relative loner. We're the perfect stick of dynamite to award with high clearances and tasks we couldn't discuss, even with immediate family.  Dinner conversation around the table is replaced with dinner entrees, eaten on trays, in front of the television.  Better to find a tedious hobby to occupy your mind, and simply fade out of conversations.  Intelligence wasn't made for marriage, so right off the bat I was two strikes into the inning.

Simply the decision to get married was the beginning of the end for most young guys in my career field.  It required a commitment from the spouse that went above that of marriage.  I can't count on my digits the marriages that failed around me, so it was only a matter of time before the inevitable befell yours truly.  I managed to survive the emotional and financial turmoil that comes with the end of a one-sided, unrequited, relationship.  I survived, in large part, to my kids and the good quality of the few friends I did keep close to the gates, albeit outside due to betrayals which I refused to give the opportunity of repetition.  Betrayal has a price, though, and it pays to have a friend in assignments that owes you one.  Back in the 1970s there was one particular place in Saudi Arabia... well; suffice to say hell does exist on earth.

Now, one might feel pity for my, roughly defined, self-imposed monastic existence.  Yet, other than not being able to save a marriage which I so much wanted to work, I have no regrets.  I have lived an exciting life with a bit of danger, excitement, patriotism, and a modicum of morality.  I have endeavored to keep those around me safe, which is saying a lot when I see what the world has become.  I found, early on and even as a manager, it was easier to say, "Stay here, I'll handle it," than it was to try watching out for my own ass while, at the same time, keeping another idiot out of harm's way.  

My few friends didn't often understand me but they stuck with me, which was the quality I learned to look for.  Those I have let inside the "gates" have ended up, unintentionally, confused and hurt.  This led to me discovering when you surround yourself with folks having no deep, meaningful expectations of you, things tend to flow smoother for all concerned.  People that try to get close to things they don't understand tend to get burned through no fault of their own.  I also found relationships seem to better stand the test of time when you keep finances and other responsibilities out of the equation, something inherently damaging in marriage unless that perfect significant other has been discovered.  I am a self-admitted hypocrite and sinner, so my expectations of some woman claiming me as a perfect significant other may forever go rewarded.

Are there things I am ashamed of?  Absolutely, to deny this simple truth would compromise any thought I might entertain of salvation.  Those who point fingers of shame at me do so for reason, hypocrites all.  Their arrogance, however, will not have me stand in judgment of my sins by such as them.  Only my Master can judge me, just as their own sins and arrogance will be weighed and found wanting by their own deity.  It is very true, I also point fingers of shame, admittedly not my finest moments, but I always figured it takes a sinner, a liar, and a hypocrite, to point another out to those lemmings incapable of seeing the forest for the trees.

This path God has seen fit to let me travel, for the past sixty-two years, has taken me to the top of the mountain.  As light begins to penetrate the fog of this life, I now look down upon the lush valley of new experiences which my path and future seem predestined to enter.  I have loved and lost, enjoyed children and lived to see grandchildren, and made friends I will love and remember for eternity.  Life has been, save for a few odd years, pretty good.

Knowing who you are, being at peace with God and who you see staring back at you in the mirror, and knowing you have fought the good fight, this all stands for something.  When you have reached the summit you will have attained an amount of enlightenment about who you are and, more importantly, why you are.  You will understand, with some certainty, what happiness there is left to seek.  As for me, someone once said, "I am homesick for a place I am not sure even exists. One where my heart is full, my body loved, and my soul understood."  I have also searched for such a place, as I am sure many of us have dreamed of discovering.  For the majority, however, we are happy to settle for as close to it as we think we will ever find and call it happiness.  For the few, we will continue along our path, ever searching for more.  Our need to understand life, love, spirituality and God, seems insatiable.  We fear never knowing as much as we fear knowing; as much as we fear being alone, though we are loners.

Deep in my heart I know I am a loner.  I am learning to blend in with the world and be sociable, but the more people I meet the more disappointed I am in their lack of faith, patriotism, respect, and tolerance.  I am trying to get better at accepting these folks and not just tolerating them.  I've learned to enjoy myself, my family, and to let a few more good friends inside the gates where I struggle not to screw with their heads.

What more can a person ask of life?  I'm not really sure, but then, life isn't even close to being over and I plan to "rage against the dying of the light."  What of you?

Do not go gentle into that good night

Do not go gentle into that good night,

Old age should burn and rave at close of day;

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,

Because their words had forked no lightning they

Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright

Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,

And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,

Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight

Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,

Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.

Do not go gentle into that good night.

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

-- Dylan Thomas (1914 - 1953)

Editor's Note 

(re: disclaimer cum "get out of jail free" card) 

Before you go getting your panties in a bunch, it is essential to understand that this is just an opinion site and, as such, can be subjected to scrutiny by anyone with a differing opinion. It doesn't make either opinion any more right or wrong than the other. An opinion, presented in this context, is a way of inciting others to think and, hopefully, to form opinions of their own, if they haven't already done so. This is also why, occasionally, I will present an "opinion" just to stir an emotional pot. Where it may sound like I agree with the statements made, I'm more interested in getting others to consider another viewpoint. 

It is my fervent hope that we keep open and active minds when reading opinions and then engaging in peaceful, constructive, discussion in an arena of mutual respect concerning the opinions put forth. After over twenty years with military intelligence, I have come to believe engaging each other in this manner and in this arena is the way we will learn tolerance and respect for differing beliefs, cultures, and viewpoints.

We all fall from grace, some more often than others; it is part of being human. God's test for us is what we do afterward, and what we learn from the experience.

Pastor Tony spent 22 years with Air Force Intelligence as a planner, analyst, briefer, and instructor. He is founder of the Congregation for Religious Tolerance and author/editor of the Congregation's official blog site, "The Path," which offers a vehicle for commentary and guidance concerning one's own personal, spiritual, path toward peace and the final destination.