All the Wrong Places - Again

Note to my readers:  Ten hours after I posted, All the Wrong Places? it ranked as my most read post for the first two years of my blog.  I had handwritten seven pages for the original post and didn't use all of them.  What I did use was happenstance, a bit here and there.  I was about to toss the balance of these notes, as I always do when I've finally published the post, and noticed there was still some interesting meat still left on the bone.  Since the article was so well read I thought you might like to chew on what was left over.

My worst fear in life is one that many of us have: I don't want to die alone.  I used to think this meant sharing my life with someone.  How selfish is that, sharing my life?  And what of the other person sharing theirs?  Because of this attitude I have come to terms with the other reason why my marriage failed.  I find it difficult to live with someone else, especially if they constantly want to be somewhere else, anywhere else, but not with me.  You're either with me or you're against me.  I'm a bit selfish in this.  I'd like to be able to turn my back on you without getting a knife between the shoulder blades.  I want my stuff, I want my space, and I want that space organized.  Yes, I am a bit anal as well.  

I downsized to absolutely nothing when I joined the military.  Started collecting crap again, several years later when I married.  Twenty years after that, about five years after retiring from military intelligence, was when my marriage finally went south.  I gave her everything on the advice of another woman, my lawyer.  The wife got my life; the house, the car, the children, the debt, my balls, everything, including child support.  After that mess, living alone didn't look too bad compared to living hell.  You might say I went through forced downsizing, for the second time in my life; the first being when I joined the Air Force.

Twelve more years and I retired from my second career with the premier, private sector, world-renowned, Institutional Review Board.  I had managed to stay fairly downsized so I wouldn't ever have to give someone everything I owned, ever again.  This retirement, I moved down to Manzanillo, Mexico for two years, working my girlfriend's ranch.  I was finally able to stretch out and relax, even as I worked my butt off around the ranch.  Even though it was her ranch I felt more relaxed in making the ranch space my own for the duration.  As mature adults, we made living apart work.  I know she understands the loner side of me.

I came back to the States at the request of my previous boss from the I.R.B. to help revamp a golf and country club.  I stayed downsized with a furnished apartment.  Two years later my dad has a stroke and I moved to Mississippi to help out.  I found myself seriously downsized, again, and living with my parents in the spare room above their garage.  Oh, God help me!  Things would soon get better, however, as my dad and I started building me a house on the lot next door.  Tony would soon have his own space again.

It really isn't the contradiction it seems.  I like my space and being in control of my space.  I like not tripping over clutter and crap.  Unfortunately, I selfishly want someone else to be there when I need them, though I don't mind reciprocating.  I think young people might find this a tough path since it leaves their opportunity for constant, sweaty, screaming sex back in the "hit or miss" category.  For those of us over sixty who still enjoy an occasional rousing bout of bedroom gymnastics, and the muscle craps which ensue,  this isn't such a big deal.  Recovery time also isn't what it used to be.

If your worse fear is dying alone, I think you have to ask yourself what "alone" really means.  You can fill your life with friends, family, and lovers.  You can share your most intimate secrets with a special person, or persons.  You can find someone to occasionally hold and be intimate with.  You can do all of this and feel fulfilled, and then you can open the door to your space and smile. "Hello, space.  Happy to be home!"  It isn't about who or what we have in our lives.  It's about being happy, regardless of who or what we have.  I understand the need for a life partner, someone to share our lives with, someone to hold.  We all want that for ourselves.  I just think some of us need to redefine what it means if we can't find that special someone to be with all the time.  Life hasn't ended for you, perhaps it's just taken a different path.  That path might change, again and again, as a partner or partners present themselves.  It is life, after all.

My greatest fear is about dying with no one to hold my hand as I passed; no friendly face to smile at and to touch one last time; no friends to visit me, mourn my death and celebrate my life.  I think having a life partner is great.  Many of us look for "commitment" in our lives, as though it is some sort of validation.  Can you have commitment without someone underfoot all the time?  I think so.  Certainly for those that are older and understand more about life; about falling down and picking oneself up again.  Can a relationship like this falter?  Of course, it can.  What relationship doesn't have its ups and downs?  But, it is still a relationship whether you live together or not.

As I addressed in the original post, having a special "someone" to get hammered with at a bar, on every date, is the basis on which to judge any "quality" life partner, nor is basing one's decision making process on looks, education, or sexual prowess.  Expectations just muddy the water and drain the pool of possibles to a shallow puddle with even shallower personalities to choose from.

So, we're back to the question, "What if no one ever chooses you?"  Will you wake up tomorrow?  Will the world come to an end?  Will it change the terrific, loving person you truly are?  No.  Is your happiness really based on someone else's involvement in your life?  Yes.  We are not solitary creatures.

It is either an unfortunate or fortunate aspect of human nature that we require the touch of another human being; an intimate touch that tells us we are loved and not alone in this world.  Without this touch, we feel incomplete.  What some of us need to understand, is whether this feeling is from a lack of intimate contact or lack of a committed relationship.  And, if the answer is the committed relationship, just how committed does it have to be?  For some folks, "committed" can become an asylum from which there is no escape.  For others, it offers a sense of security they cannot find in a solitary life.  Others would declare there is much to be said for two ships, sailing different routes and, yet, constantly passing in the night.

I guess my own view would be, if you aren't happy in your life alone, how are you going to be happy in someone else's, much less make them happy that you're there?  Do you need them to complete you, or do you just need them?  And, regardless, shouldn't you first be asking, "Why?"  I think I would rather want someone than to ever think I need them.  I would like to know my ultimate happiness is not predicated on their constant involvement.  But, it sure would be a hoot if they'd like to come along occasionally and have some fun; hold hands, fall in lust, or love, and then do it all over again.  Life would never get old.

Neither would we.

Editor's Note

(Re: disclaimer cum "get out of jail free" card)

Before you go getting your panties in a bunch, it is essential to understand that this is just an opinion site and, as such, can be subjected to scrutiny by anyone with a differing opinion. It doesn't make either opinion any more right or wrong than the other. An opinion, presented in this context, is a way of inciting others to think and, hopefully, to form opinions of their own, if they haven't already done so. This is also why, occasionally, I will present an "opinion" just to stir an emotional pot. Where it may sound like I agree with the statements made, I'm more interested in getting others to consider an alternate viewpoint. 

It is my fervent hope that we keep open and active minds when reading opinions and while engaging in peaceful and constructive discussion, in an arena of mutual respect, concerning those opinions put forth. After over twenty years with military intelligence, I have come to believe engaging each other in this manner and in this arena is the way we will learn tolerance and respect for differing beliefs, cultures, and viewpoints.

We all fall from grace, some more often than others; it is part of being human. God's test for us is what we learn from the experience, and what we do afterward.

Pastor Tony spent 22 years with United States Air Force Intelligence as a planner, analyst, briefer, instructor, and senior manager. He spent 17 years, following his service career, working with the premier, world renowned, Institutional Review Board helping to protect the rights of human subjects involved in pharmaceutical research. Ordained 1n 2013 as an "interfaith" minister, he founded the Congregation for Religious Tolerance in response to intolerance shown by Christians toward peaceful Islam. As the weapon for his war on intolerance he chose the pen, and wages his "battle" in the guise of the Congregation's official online blog, The Path, of which he is both author and editor. "The Path" offers a vehicle for commentary and guidance concerning one's own personal, spiritual, path toward peace and the final destination for us all. He currently resides in Pass Christian, Mississippi, where he volunteers as lead Chaplain and Chaplain Program Liaison, at the regional medical center.