Stress Control & Anger Management

"You must learn to let go. Release the stress. 

You were never in control anyway."

-- Steve Maraboli

I used to have a bad temper.  Not all the time.  I would spike.  One moment I would be happy-go-lucky, the next I would be ripping your head off and defecating down your neck.  Not at trivial stuff, mind you.  It had to be something worth getting really pissed off about.  That was how I excused it.  Truth be told, I was never like that until I got married.  I feel pretty confident about this reasoning because, since the divorce, I've been back to my old self.  Just don't piss me off.

There are four stages of anger:

1.  Annoyed

2.  Frustrated

3.  Infuriated

4.  Hostile

Really?  In my humble opinion, this is so much psychobabble.  It establishes criteria for the common man.  Does it?  Or, does it establish criteria for the uncommon man?  How many of us go straight from annoyed to hostile?  You can start at any one of the first three and jump to hostile.  Think about it.  "I'm annoyed with you, so why don't you shut the eff up?"  No frustration, and certainly not infuriated.  We go straight from annoyed to hostile.  How many of us, like I used to do, go straight to hostile from happy-go-lucky?  Thinking about it, in order to go straight from happy to hostile probably means we've banked some annoyance or frustration for use at a later date.  This accounts for many people asking, "What in God's name brought that on?"

Hey, it's good to blow off steam, right?  Right?  Well, sure...if you do it right.  Or, maybe you like the three phases of stress.

Physiological Response with increased heart rate and blood pressure, decreased blood flow to the extremities, slowed digestion.

Interpretation, or how we interpret the cause of our stress, can affect our ability to cope with the resulting stress.  If we can't cope with it we could be setting ourselves up for a fall.

Reaction to stress can manifest itself physically through blood pressure, heart disease, stroke, infertility, or irritable bowel.  It can be emotional with anxiety, depression, anger, forgetfulness, or panic attacks, and it can be behavioral with overeating, poor appetite, drug abuse, excessive smoking, irritability, social withdrawal, or insomnia.

Each phase can probably express itself in any or all of the symptoms, or something entirely different.  Don't ask me, I'm not a doctor, and since they only practice medicine they probably aren't really sure either, but at least a doctor can offer some hope for a better outcome than just dealing with it.

"I promise you nothing is as chaotic as it seems.  Nothing is worth diminishing your health.  Nothing is worth poisoning yourself into stress, anxiety, and fear."

-- Steve Maraboli

We all know how my stress manifested itself, but I took some action.  I went and saw a psychologist; I worked on managing my "spiking" at every little thing; I got rid of the root cause of my stress through a divorce, and I finally got on a low dose of blood pressure meds.

Yeah, that's right.  This picture is like me, back in the day; no longer the cute little cuddly babe that all the ladies wanted to hold and smooch upon.  Nope, when I got on a tear I could be a real ass.  I'd throw one hell of a tantrum.  I'd scream, kick, throw stuff, drool, wet myself, and then sulk.

Now I'm back to being cute, cuddly, and smooched on.  Oh, I still have my moments, but I have found ways to express my displeasure other than through anger.  Most of the time it results in me looking stupid but, hey, it beats looking like an ass.  Besides, pasta sauce washes out of your hair and there is oxy stuff that can get the stains out of my good shirts.  These tantrums usually occur when I run out of beer or bourbon, everything else in my life is trivial and not worth the effort, except for family.  I deal with the family like a father now, and not an ogre.

Stress control and anger management, not really rocket science.  A bit of meditation, a little focus, a healthy dose of tolerance, and re-learning the art of truly having fun again.  Try to remember that it does no good to fret over those things for which you have no control.  It also accomplishes little to control things that do you no good.  In all things there is a middle ground; there will always be winners and losers, but what is more important is how you play the game, and so it is with life.  Learn to unload those things that do bother you by being honest with people around you.  Do it calmly and I think you'll find that most folks appreciate the honesty and will learn to expect that from you.  Blowing up at people and situations do you little good.  If you think it makes you feel better, you're not paying attention to how it affects your health, your daily routine, and the folks around you; the folks that you love.

"If the problem can be solved, why worry.  If the problem cannot be solved worrying will do you no good."

-- Santideva

It is never about the destination, it is always about the journey.  The people we meet, the lives we touch, and those that touch us.  Who we help and how we help, and what we expect in return.  To see your full larder and fill a box for those that struggle for their next meal.

"It is not how much we have, but how much we enjoy that makes happiness."

-- Charles Sprugeon

God gives me a continual lesson, and it is very simple.  Every time I think I have a reason to be truly angry, or I think I have reason to stress, God shows me a young lady crippled from birth that can wish me a happy day; a wounded soldier with prosthetic legs that can thank me for my service; an elderly person that suffers tremors or cannot remember their loved ones; a young suffering four-year-old who gets to make a wish with the Make a Wish Foundation and the wish is to bring toys to all the other children are suffering in hospitals.  God gave me the knowledge of a young girl, a musical virtuoso, who was asked what her aspiration was in life, to which she answered, "Happiness."  Each of these instances and so many others are lessons.  Lessons for us, or lessons for them.  For me, I knock on wood and remember the John Bradford quote, "There but for the grace of God go I."

The things that annoy us and anger us are trivial in God's greater universe, and this stress is usually of our own making anyway so we might as well focus our anger on the right target so everyone else doesn't have to deal without bullshit so they get stressed.  People catch me looking into the sky a lot nowadays.  I'll look up, shake my head, laugh, and go on with life.  Usually, you might hear me say something like, "Really God?  You're gonna throw this at me too?" Or, I may have seen it coming and, "Yeah, yeah, I was expecting it."  Or even, "Nope, I didn't see that coming."  But, I'm my own worst enemy because now God knows I can take it.

I think my stress control and anger management came about when I developed a personal relationship with God; when I learned how to have a conversation with God, not with a priest, or through prayer, but to just look up while I'm walking and just say what's on my mind or ask a question, or just to say thank you for another glorious day in paradise.

"If you want to conquer the anxiety of life, live in the moment, live in the breath."

-- Amit Ray

Do something novel this Sunday.  Don't go to church.  It won't be a big deal because it says in the bible you should be humble and worship in private.  As far as the alms are concerned, give it to the poor because of the leaking church roof, well, to what end?  You're supposed to worship in private.  How about we sell the church and feed the poor?  You know, do some real good with our faith.  Stay home this Sunday and make a new friend, introduce yourself to God, and then have a nice long talk with the one you've been worshipping.  

I have real money that says you'll feel like more was accomplished than in all the time you've spent suffering through countless sermons just to hear lessons on morality and righteousness which you already know.  You might even find that your stress goes away, and wouldn't that be a marvelous thing?

Remember, these are just my opinions, we all have some.  Make sure you put a voice to yours.  If you feel you have stress in your life or cannot control your anger and frustration on your own, seek professional help.  There is no shame in seeking help.  Which is worse, seeking help, or hurting someone you love or care about?  If you don't have money for help, ask your minister or call a hotline that is available in most cities and hospitals.  Help is out there, you only have to ask, and asking is that very big first step to a happier life.

"We often think that admitting struggle is a sign of weakness, but we all struggle sometimes.  We all get overwhelmed sometimes.  We all need help sometimes.  Acknowledging this is not a sign of weakness, but struggling alone is a choice to grow weak.  

We all need each other.  No one is an island.  The good news is that people really do care.  Think about it  If someone you know was hurting, would you offer your support?  If someone you know got into a tough situation, would you help them find a solution?  You'd probably want them to come to you - to know that you care and they can trust and depend on you.  

Why not give them the opportunity to do the same for you?  Why push yourself to your breaking point when there are people who'd be honored to help lighten your load?  

If you're carrying more than you can handle today, choose to let some of it go by letting someone else in.  You may feel vulnerable asking for help, but wouldn't the world be a better place if we all learned to depend on each other?" 

-- Lori Deschene, Tiny Wisdom:  On Asking for Help

God bless us all this fine Sunday.  God bless us all with laughter and tolerance, and a bit more understanding.  God bless us all with the ability to cope and, failing that, the knowledge to know when to just walk away, and smile.  God bless us all with the ability to look like clowns instead of like asses, and to laugh at ourselves while we do it.  And, finally, God bless us with the hearts of children so we may see the world with eyes of wonder.

Editor's Note

(Re: disclaimer cum "get out of jail free" card)

Before you go getting your panties in a bunch, it is essential to understand that this is just an opinion site and, as such, can be subjected to scrutiny by anyone with a differing opinion. It doesn't make either opinion any more right or wrong than the other. An opinion, presented in this context, is a way of inciting others to think and, hopefully, to form opinions of their own, if they haven't already done so. This is also why, occasionally, I will present an "opinion" just to stir an emotional pot. Where it may sound like I agree with the statements made, I'm more interested in getting others to consider an alternate viewpoint. 

It is my fervent hope that we keep open and active minds when reading opinions and while engaging in peaceful and constructive discussion, in an arena of mutual respect, concerning those opinions put forth. After over twenty years with military intelligence, I have come to believe engaging each other in this manner and in this arena is the way we will learn tolerance and respect for differing beliefs, cultures, and viewpoints.

We all fall from grace, some more often than others; it is part of being human. God's test for us is what we learn from the experience, and what we do afterward.

Pastor Tony spent 22 years with the United States Air Force Intelligence as a planner, analyst, briefer, instructor, and senior manager. He spent 17 years, following his service career, working with the premier, world-renowned, Institutional Review Board helping to protect the rights of human subjects involved in pharmaceutical research. Ordained 1n 2013 as an "interfaith" minister, he founded the Congregation for Religious Tolerance in response to intolerance shown by Christians toward peaceful Islam. As the weapon for his war on intolerance he chose the pen, and wages his "battle" in the guise of the Congregation's official online blog, The Path, of which he is both author and editor. "The Path" offers a vehicle for commentary and guidance concerning one's own personal, spiritual, path toward peace and the final destination for us all. He currently resides in Pass Christian, Mississippi, where he volunteers as a chaplain at the regional medical center.