Chivalry Is Not Dead!

chiv·al·ry  noun \ˈshi-vəl-rē\ : the system of values (such as loyalty and honor) that knights in the Middle Ages were expected to follow: an honorable and polite way of behaving especially toward women

For my purpose, the definition of "chivalry" to be addressed in this post is, "An honorable and polite way of behaving, especially toward women."  You can almost hear the collective and painfully derisive sighs coming from women who read this, and why not?  When was the last time anyone saw a man under the age of 30 or 40, or any age nowadays, being chivalrous? 

Consider, if you will, the following quote:

A common fallacy among men and women is that chivalry is one-sided, which means that a woman can also take the initiative and do something chivalrous for her man, especially since the times have changed. You want to put yourself out for a woman who is worthy of such royal treatment, since this says a lot about her personality. The problem is that it's hard to tell whether or not the woman you are stressing over deserves your efforts of chivalry... Chivalry isn't about getting things in return, it's about being recognized to a degree for your actions and knowing that the person you are with will also treat you right. Chivalry is a two-way street, in which you shouldn't be taken for a ride.

-- Heidi Muller

Before I launch into my usual bloviating self, let me first say that I really have no idea who Heidi Muller is.  From what little I could find, however, she is touted as an author, editor, and relationship guru.  There is much daylight between her idea of chivalry and mine.  It isn't that her definition is bad, it simply isn't mine.  She is, of course, stating a woman's view, and this might explain the distance between us - like, Mars and Venus.  But, kudos to Ms. Muller for taking a good stab at it.

As a man raised by a Mississippi mother, "Southern" to the deepest extent, I beg to disagree with Ms. Muller in the following respects:  Chivalry is most definitely one-sided, as men should not be picking and choosing a time for "honor" (refer to the definition, above).  I agree that times have changed and women can also take the initiative, but this in no way should have bearing on a man's learned behavior of being, at all times, honorable and polite.  And, this isn't "royal treatment."  These are all too uncommon courtesies.  If someone chooses not to reflect products of a genteel upbringing, well, it should speak volumes to those around them.    Whether she is deserved of the courtesies, or not, is of little consequence.  Her behavior can be ruminated later, behind her back, but certainly not in front of polite company. 

“Don’t make the mistake of looking down on your partner. You’re only on that pedestal because they put you up there.”

-- Kamand Kojouri, author, poet 

Hence, chivalry definitely isn't about getting anything in return. If it were, then Ms. Muller wouldn't have contradicted herself in the same sentence with saying it is about being "recognized to a degree for your actions" and ensuring the woman will "treat you right" as a form of that recognition.  Not getting anything in return negates any thought of even caring whether the person you are with recognizes diddly, much less responds in kind.  Chivalry is, for all intent, a "one-way street," and real men, selfless men, do it because it is the right thing to do.

Understanding this, you can be yourself and act normal in the knowledge that your "normal" is always guided by chivalry, because honest chivalry, by real men, is not an act! If it is an act, look forward to rocky relationships.  You'll deserve it, as will she for not seeing through your shallow, selfish, stupidity (I so cleaned this up). Be chivalrous because it is the right thing to do. That's it. If no one appreciates it, that isn't your problem any more than it's theirs. At the end of the day, you have to look in the mirror and tell yourself as a real man, that you did right. There are some things women just don't understand anymore, and it isn't their fault.  It is a failing of our society to demand polite civility and courtesy from everyone.  Don't be angry, be understanding, and deal with it.  It is what it is until we change it.  Be an example for change.

"A gentleman is someone who does not what he wants to do, but what he should do."

-- Haruki Murakami, author

Now, let's get down to some long-awaited bloviating (no, all that wasn't it).

I've received my share of odd looks from ladies, the young and old, usually when I stop to hold open a door for them or offer assistance with a heavy bag. I think I get the odd looks because, at first, they don't know how to respond, and then they're not sure what to say.  As if saying "thank you" had been forgotten, or never learned.  One young lady was shocked when, as we were both entering the medical center, I said, "Good morning!"  She checked me twice before smiling and saying she hadn't heard that from anyone in a long time.  The older ladies tend to say they thought chivalry was dead. My stock response to them is that it's just hiding inside older handsome men, like me. It usually gets a chuckle from them, but I'm not sure that's a good thing. The younger ladies wonder what I'm after, and I think the older ladies wish I were after... I'd rather not imagine. I'm flattered but, in all humility, no.  We need to get over ourselves.

The concept of chivalry is more times than not, handed down as part of a boys upbringing, a part of his rite of manhood if you will. At least that's the way it used to be. And, even then, it was taught by the mother and, if the father was brought up right, he would reinforce the instruction. That reinforcement is as much to impress the father's mother with how well-mannered junior is, as it is to keep junior in tune to the fact that his own mother is watching both of them. Later in life, when girls come into the picture, this reinforcement will assist junior in primping his plumage, so to speak, in order to attract, impress, and keep a chosen Ms. Right.

"Chivalry is not just a fancy word with a neat meaning; it's a way of life."

-- Vaughn Ripley, author, speaker, fitness pro

However it manages to get ingrained in the young person, chivalry is all about upbringing. If they learned it on their your own, or from mom, or even dad, something in their young life put them on the right path to doing the right thing in being, always, the gentleman - a chivalrous knight! Unfortunately, now days being a gentleman is as rare as seeing a shining knight, as the armor is usually well tarnished.

“Exhibition of power can easily put you on the pedestal, but then it is like a prison, it is a lonely place.”

-- Anupama Garg, author

Finding a real lady is also as rare. As evidence, have a look at the photos of beautiful women standing on the red carpet for their photo op at an awards ceremony.  If you remember how women are supposed to stand, count how many are.  You might find one or two but, by in large, they stand like football players.  As men have blurred the line between being a gentleman and a pig, so to have women blurred the line between being a lady and trailer trash (again, being kind here). Even when a young lady wants to be appropriate, they probably never had instruction in the genteel art of walking, talking, and crossing their legs like a lady. Crossing their legs? Good luck with that. Seen the height of the skirt? PLEASE cross your legs! Point made.

So, who's at fault? We're back to family values. If parents don't teach and enforce good values, the kids probably won't learn them. God knows the unionized school system of today isn't going to give one rat's patoot about teaching "charm" school to young women. Teachers have a hard enough time reflecting any good values themselves, much less expecting it of the students.  Do as I say and if you don't, who cares?  They don't even require the teachers to do a quality job of teaching educational basics anymore. Taxpayers money well spent, by the unions more concerned about teacher protection and union profits than student education. I understand teacher's unions are opposed to banning rapists, child molesters, and murderers, from teaching our children. Whether it's true or not is not as concerning as that it wouldn't surprise me.  Putting the children first?  Let's go with that... please.

Many years back, when my daughter was just five or six, I had a conversation with a middle-aged African American woman clerk in the children's section of a well-known department store. We were commenting on the children around us.  She shook her head, smiled, and mentioned that black children stopped being respectful when the black mother's stopped demanding and enforcing that respect. Seeing as how she and I had already found common ground in that we were both born in the Deep South, I reminded her that white children stopped being respectful at that same time; when black mothers, also entrusted with raising the white children, stopped demanding it from them as well. For most of the south, that was the culture, black housekeepers kept the white children in line just as they would their own. We both laughed at the reality of my point, which shows how far we have come with equal rights. We were just two people talking, finding common ground and respect, and finding good humor in dark history. But, it was the common ground and respect that was important.

Proper behavior in children disappeared with dressing for Sunday services, eating at the dinner table (with cell phones and the television turned off), waiting for the lady of the house to sit down first, knowing which fork to use for what, saying yes and no ma'am, holding the door open for someone, and showing respect, especially to those much older than you.

“Some say that the age of chivalry is past, that the spirit of romance is dead. The age of chivalry is never past, so long as there is a wrong left unredressed on earth.”

-- Charles Kingsley (1819-1875), priest, professor, historian, reformer, author

Chivalry is not dead, it has just become a punchline, an anecdotal little nothing we bring out when we think of it, and usually as an afterthought.  Like a frightened child, it is in hiding, and it's usually childish cowards who hide it. Perhaps its hidden in fear of the League of the Perpetually Offended who constantly find a reason for some imagined offense of polite society. God forbid we should simply treat each other with some modicum of respect and kindness; their heads would surely explode.

If a woman wants chivalry fro men, she should demand it. If she's going to demand it she should earn it, even if she isn't required to. If you want to be treated like a lady, for God's sake, act like a lady. Clean up your language, spit out your gum so you can speak your native tongue properly and, for God's sake, learn to walk. There's nothing worse than seeing any woman dressed provocatively and walking like a truck driver. Even worse if she's chewing gum like a cow chews the cud.  And, by the way, more can actually be less when you dress. Go to town with those high heels and tight skirts, but leave something to the imagination. This is going to sound very male pig of me but, what makes you think someone would offer to take you to dinner and a movie to see the secret if you're already parading it around for free?  Just a thought.

When I say ladies should demand the chivalry they deserve, make him open the door for you; stand there until he does it, and then say thank you. It's about training and positive reinforcement (men are as trainable as any other mangy dog). Both my girlfriend and mother wait at the car door for someone to open it for them. I try to remember.  I can't count the number of times I had to get back out of the car as they just stood there waiting for the door to magically open for them. And if you think leaning over the passenger seat to open it works, think again. They will stand there and wait for you to come around until hell freezes.  Cold doesn't affect me, but I do bore easily.

“As a Texan, I say ma'am and sir to my age contemporaries and open doors for anyone that I can. This goes for men, too, though it is appreciated when they beat me to it and disappointing when they don't.”

-- Tiffany Madison, author, journalist

And, ladies, this same tact is true for turning off our TV when you find a need to talk to us, or when the dinner is ready---at the table. Deal with it guys, it's called a relationship. If you ladies aren't listening to what I'm saying, you deserve the pig you end up with as much as the pig deserves it when you divorce his sorry butt for the pool guy who pays you some attention. If your husband is a wife beater, either leave him or beat him worse.  Leaving really isn't any more difficult than you want to make it.

Men, generally, need to grow the hell up. Women need to go back to charm school and at least learn how to walk (it's a basic skill) and if you can't wear high heels, then don't; it's a talent that takes some work to master. You aren't sailors or truck drivers though, nowadays, you might be, but you are still women. Act like it! I've had gay friends that are more feminine than most of the women I know, and they actually can walk in heels. 

And one more thing guys, when you talk to a woman, take your hat off, spit out the gum, clean up your language, and show some damned respect!  Your grandmother will be proud, and that means grandpa, dad, and junior won't catch hell.

“Gentlemen, be courteous to the old maids, no matter how poor and plain and prim, for the only chivalry worth having is that which is the readiest to pay deference to the old, protect the feeble, and serve womankind, regardless of rank, age, or color.”

-- Louisa May Alcott, author, "Little Women"

Editor's Note

(Re: disclaimer cum "get out of jail free" card)

Before you go getting your panties in a bunch, it is essential to understand that this is just an opinion site and, as such, can be subjected to scrutiny by anyone with a differing opinion. It doesn't make either opinion any more right or wrong than the other. An opinion, presented in this context, is a way of inciting others to think and, hopefully, to form opinions of their own, if they haven't already done so. This is also why, occasionally, I will present an "opinion" just to stir an emotional pot. Where it may sound like I agree with the statements made, I'm more interested in getting others to consider an alternate viewpoint. 

It is my fervent hope that we keep open and active minds when reading opinions and while engaging in peaceful and constructive discussion, in an arena of mutual respect, concerning those opinions put forth. After over twenty years with military intelligence, I have come to believe engaging each other in this manner and in this arena is the way we will learn tolerance and respect for differing beliefs, cultures, and viewpoints.

We all fall from grace, some more often than others; it is part of being human. God's test for us is what we learn from the experience, and what we do afterward.

Pastor Tony spent 22 years with United States Air Force Intelligence as a planner, analyst, briefer, instructor, and senior manager. He spent 17 years, following his service career, working with the premier, world renowned, Institutional Review Board helping to protect the rights of human subjects involved in pharmaceutical research. Ordained 1n 2013 as an "interfaith" minister, he founded the Congregation for Religious Tolerance in response to intolerance shown by Christians toward peaceful Islam. As the weapon for his war on intolerance he chose the pen, and wages his "battle" in the guise of the Congregation's official online blog, The Path, of which he is both author and editor. "The Path" offers a vehicle for commentary and guidance concerning one's own personal, spiritual, path toward peace and the final destination for us all. He currently resides in Pass Christian, Mississippi, where he volunteers as lead Chaplain and Chaplain Program Liaison, at the regional medical center.