The Traffic Stop

“Traffic is only at a standstill because man isn't going anywhere.”

-- Anthony T. Hincks, author

I've only had one bad experience with a traffic stop.  Usually my friendly, respectful, and easy going nature will win the day for me.  I have found that starting off the conversation with an "it wasn't me" look on your face tends to help.  Depending on the age of the officer involved, trying to dazzle them with footwork and baffle them with bullshit usually elicits a smile and a warning.  Keep it light, keep your humor, keep it respectful and, above all, keep your pants on!

Officer:  You look surprised that I stopped you.
Driver:  No.  I mean, yes, I am.
Officer:  Why's your mouth gaped open?
Driver:  Uh, no clue.  What does "gaped" mean.
Officer:  You know, opened.
Driver:  Oh.  Can it be gaped closed?
Officer:  I don't think so.
Driver:  So, why say "gaped open" if they mean the same thing?
Officer:  Are you trying to be difficult?
Driver:  I don't think so.  Am I?
Officer:  Why are you asking me?
Driver:  Well, you stopped me.  Was I being difficult?
Officer:  No, you ran the stop sign back there.
Driver:  I did?
Officer:  You did.  Where are your pants?
Driver:  Is this a test?
Officer:  What do you mean?
Driver:  You wanna see if I'll look down?
Officer:  You have to look down to know if you're wearing pants?
Driver:  No.
Officer:  Please step out of the vehicle.
Driver:  I can't.
Officer:  Why?
Driver:  You just said I'm not wearing any pants.
Officer:  So you admit it?
Driver:  I don't remember running it, but if you say I did...
Office:  No.  You're admitting you're not wearing pants.
Driver:  No I'm not!
Officer:  Finally.
Driver:  What?
Officer:  No pants.
Driver:  What?  No! No, I'm not admitting I'm wearing pants.
Officer:  Uh huh.
Driver:  You know what I mean!
Officer:  I'm not even sure you know what you mean.  You been drinking?
Driver:  Oh crap...
Officer:  Is that a yes?
Driver:  No.  It's a NO.
Officer:  Any weapons?
Driver:  Yeah, just one.
Officer:  Where is it?
Driver:  Right here in my lap.
Officer:  No it isn't.
Driver:  Sure it is.  You've been looking at it since I rolled the window down.
Officer:  No I haven't.
Driver:  I'm pretty sure you have.
Officer:  I'm letting you off with a warning.
Driver:  For the gun or the stop sign?
Officer:  Stop sign.
Driver:  Well, thank you, officer.  Would you be so kind as to do me a favor?
Officer:  What's that?
Driver:  Reach in the back window there and hand me my pants?
Officer:  Step out of the vehicle.