My Sunday Thought for 070118: R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Respect shown may not be felt.

Respect not earned is a lonely road.
Respect lost is hard found.

Respect given must be earned.

I've had to answer, many times, why I may not like a particular person; I've even been asked by the particular person I seemingly haven't liked.  I have always answered, it isn't that I don't like them, it's because they seem to care very little that I have no respect for them.  Hell, I can like you, or I can love you, and have little or no respect for you.  For that matter, I can also love you and not like you very much, at all.  Being liked, to my mind, is all about being yourself and not trying to impress someone by being who you're not.

The problem with being someone you're not is that most people can't help being transparent, and the people who think they aren't transparent are usually the most transparent of all.  There is nothing wrong with transparency; our country screams for it, constantly.  The reason we all want transparency is to uncover some hidden truth which is being hidden behind someone's facade of bullshit.  The people who can pull off hiding the truth or being someone they're not are usually undercover agents or in the "confidence" game subculture of criminal society - con men.  In order to succeed as a con artist you must be able to gain your victim's trust and respect by using their trust and respect against them without the victim realizing they are being conned; the victim must be naive and gullible.

Have you ever really listened to someone "blowing smoke" up your butt?  I try not to smile too much as I hear them drone on, "Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, yadda, yadda, yadda, bullshit."  Used car salesmen are the professional transparency specialists of this group, and people you surround yourself with should never be acting like salesmen toward you.  You should surround yourself with people who are going to treat you with mutual respect and like they know you're smart enough to easily see through their bullshit when they spout out lies.

“If we’re really to give ourselves the best of ourselves, we have to be honest with the worst of ourselves.”

-- Craig D. Lounsbrough, counselor, author

In my own sphere of influence I have people who disrespect others, others whom I also know, for some perceived offense which they may have meant if, in fact, they actually did or said anything bad enough to garner this response.  It might not be that the "offended" have even been personally offended, they just use their faulty perception as a reason to exercise their lack of respect and, therefore, not like the person.  You can only shake your head at the shallowness of this.  It is typical, in my humble view, of someone who ends up showing more disrespect for themselves than for anyone else and how sad this would be for them if they were cognizant enough to understand their own transparency.  

If you don't treat others with respect how can you ever expect them to respect you?  More obvious, you certainly can't treat people like crap and then expect them to appreciate, like, and even love you.  This is a way to ensure you live a lonely, bitter existence.  Love is easier when it comes to family, even if there is a lack of respect.  They are family, after all, and love may be the only thing saving them from total meltdown or drowning in their self-imposed pool of disrespect for others.  Everyone needs to get a handle on the simple fact that respect is not something you deserve; it is something you earn, not something you can demand; something you give, not something you expect  How do you ensure you're on the right track with respect?  Treat people with the same respect you would want to be shown, if you cared.

Personally, I don't care if you respect me.  I will continue to show respect for others, as applicable, and I would expect others, who exercise respect, to call me down if I fail in my attempt.  In this way we all garner a mutual respect for honesty with each other, if for no other reason.

“I cannot compromise my respect for your love. You can keep your love, I will keep my respect.”

-- Amit Kalantri, author

Have you ever had a parent demand your respect?  Love would seem to take second seat to their desire for your respect and, yet, if they have to demand respect it seems fairly obvious they haven't earned it.  It would seem as though they want you to disrespect yourself to show your desire for their love.  If you're paying close attention, your desire for their love and approval may have been a valid assumption up until this point, then it becomes a false assumption on their part.  No one should ever demand you compromise your self-respect for any reason, and certainly not for their skewed definition of love.  No one who truly loves you would ever ask you to compromise your values.

I have always found that those people who disrespect my friends, or those people I love, disrespect me, and if they disrespect me they disrespect themselves, and if they disrespect themselves they reveal their true nature to everyone able to see the forest passed the trees.  If they're constant disrespect becomes  so obvious, they risk becoming a lonely, bitter, person.  Self-respect, by definition, "is the pride and confidence in oneself; a feeling that one is behaving with honor and dignity."  When a person disrespects you, your friends, people you love and, by extension, themselves, where does this leave their honor and dignity?  You might show them a modicum of deference through your love for them, but they certainly have no right to demand your respect, especially if they're family. 

“They cannot take away our self respect if we do not give it to them.”

― Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948), lawyer, political activist

The best way to earn the respect of others is for you to, first, learn to respect you.  We often allow others to take our self-respect when they disrespect us and we reciprocate by disrespecting them.  It is better to confront the disrespect with an honest request for their respect and the knowledge that you will then continue to respect them in kind.  This honest confrontation is a way of maintaining you own respect while putting the onus on the offender to "clean their own house."

The Russian writer Leo Tolstoy (1828-1910) once wrote, "Respect was invented to cover the empty place where love should be."  This is an idea with which I humbly disagree.  As with parents, friends, and other loved ones, I can like you, even love you, and still have a lack of respect for you.  It is incumbent upon me, however, to inform you of my lack of respect, my perception of a shortcoming on your part, or I become a party to this lack of respect, compounding the disrespect and allowing the continuation, expansion, and negative influence of disrespect.  It is always better to be immediately up front and honest.  In this way, if they have any self-respect, they will ultimately respect you and, more importantly, you will respect yourself for having given them respectful honesty.  I have to say, I fail at this constantly especially when it comes to family, yet these are the folks we should have no hesitation in being painfully honest with, if we truly love and care for them.

“I think the reward for conformity is that everyone likes you except yourself.”

-- Rita Mae Brown, author, activist, feminist

Author Steve Hall made another statement with which I am at odds, and it plays to Leo Tolstoy's quote, “The truest form of love is how you behave toward someone, not how you feel about them.”  The truest form of love is evidenced by the way I feel about you, not how I behave toward you.  Many people behave as though they like someone when, in reality, they like to see them burn in hell.  If you know that I am always honest in the way I behave toward you then, when I am disappointed in you, you will readily see that I am disappointed and might just exercise some self-reflection.  My show of disappointment is because I care about who you are as a person, and what you present to others reflects the respect you have for them.

“I speak to everyone in the same way, whether he is the garbage man or the president of the university.”

-- Albert Einstein (1879-1955), theoretical physicist

I have learned through the years the benefit of treating everyone with the same respect.  The "yes sir" and "No sir" I give to a general is the same I would give to a janitor, and a general taught me that.  Be firm, yet fair; explain discipline, and give credit where credit is due.  The reward you earn belongs to those who supported you; your reward was to have such great support and you can ask for nothing more than to surround yourself with people who give you their all simply because of who you are, not what you are.  This is respect.

“When you are content to be simply yourself and don't compare or compete, everyone will respect you.”

-- Lao Tzu (?? -500 BC), founder of philosophical Taoism

Editor's Note

(Re: disclaimer cum "get out of jail free" card)

Before you go getting your panties in a bunch, it is essential to understand that this is just an opinion site and, as such, can be subjected to scrutiny by anyone with a differing opinion. It doesn't make either opinion any more right or wrong than the other. An opinion, presented in this context, is a way of inciting others to think and, hopefully, to form opinions of their own, if they haven't already done so. This is also why, occasionally, I will present an "opinion" just to stir an emotional pot. Where it may sound like I agree with the statements made, I'm more interested in getting others to consider an alternate viewpoint. 

It is my fervent hope that we keep open and active minds when reading opinions and while engaging in peaceful and constructive discussion, in an arena of mutual respect, concerning those opinions put forth. After over twenty years with military intelligence, I have come to believe engaging each other in this manner and in this arena is the way we will learn tolerance and respect for differing beliefs, cultures, and viewpoints.

We all fall from grace, some more often than others; it is part of being human. God's test for us is what we learn from the experience, and what we do afterward.

Pastor Tony spent 22 years with United States Air Force Intelligence as a planner, analyst, briefer, instructor, and senior manager. He spent 17 years, following his service career, working with the premier, world renowned, Institutional Review Board helping to protect the rights of human subjects involved in pharmaceutical research. Ordained 1n 2013 as an "interfaith" minister, he founded the Congregation for Religious Tolerance in response to intolerance shown by Christians toward peaceful Islam. As the weapon for his war on intolerance he chose the pen, and wages his "battle" in the guise of the Congregation's official online blog, The Path, of which he is both author and editor. "The Path" offers a vehicle for commentary and guidance concerning one's own personal, spiritual, path toward peace and the final destination for us all. He currently resides in Pass Christian, Mississippi, where he volunteers as lead Chaplain and Chaplain Program Liaison, at the regional medical center.