Perpetrating Violence against Women

"A woman should be able to walk down the street at 4 in the morning in nothing but her socks, blind drunk, without being assaulted, and I, for one, am not going to do anything to imply that she is in any way responsible for her own assault if she fails to Adequately Protect Herself."

--Emily Nagoski, author, PhD in Health Behavior, human sexuality

I took off my best "Hawaiian" print shirt in a Mexican cantina one evening, and handed it to the loser of a cat fight who had her own one-piece outfit ripped off, leaving her drunk and in nothing but her socks.  I took my own naked torso, and my half bottle of beer, and went outside where it was warmer and less violent.  I never saw the shirt again, didn't expect to, but this is what a real gentleman does for any woman.  This is the way I was brought up.  The fact that she was a "barfly" fighting with another "barfly" was of little concern; all women are deserving of respect, even if they don't have any for themselves... or don't show it.

I'm a man, so please excuse me if I get this all wrong as I'm sure this post is probably suffering from the Mars/Venus thing.  But, at the age of 64, as father of a girl and grandfather of another, I lay claim my own perspective, as well as responsibility for it.  If I screw this post up, well... it is what men do, right?

All we hear about in the news lately are reports of men who have perpetrated violence against women who never spoke up against the perpetrator.  I agree with Dr. Emily Nagoski when she states, "A woman should be able to walk down the street at 4 in the morning in nothing but her socks, blind drunk, without being assaulted, and I, for one, am not going to do anything to imply that she is in any way responsible for her own assault if she fails to Adequately Protect Herself."

In my heart I know Nagoski is correct, but I was always a student of choices and consequences, especially through my 23 years in the military.  Should a woman be able to dress, or not, anyway she chooses without fear of molestation?  Of course, but in this real world and, at this time in our history, she knows she is at risk for doing so.  Unfortunately, with her having this knowledge comes a responsibility for her to adequately protect herself.  Not taking responsibility is a choice, and there are always consequences for the choices we make.  There is a real reason why father's all over the world tell their daughters, "Oh, hell no!  You're not going out dressed like that!"  We know what the real world is like.  If a father hasn't taught his daughter how to protect herself, and how to say no, the abuse has already begun.

"Today I wore a pair of faded old jeans and a plain grey baggy shirt. I hadn't even taken a shower, and I did not put on an ounce of makeup. I grabbed a worn out black oversized jacket to cover myself with even though it is warm outside. I have made conscious decisions lately to look like less of what I felt a male would want to see."

-- Sierra D. Waters, author, blogger, victim

As a father and grandfather, I think how a woman dresses should be situational.  It should be determined by where she is going and with who, how secure she feels with the location, the event, and her companions, and whether she is well armed, or well prepared, to defend herself against morons.

The nagging question for me is why it takes so long for women to come forward after an assault.  If it was fear of more physical violence, I can understand their reasoning.  If it was fear of losing their job, I have an issue.  What are you willing to go through for money?  Are you willing to let some sick bastard use you in order to save a job, just to make a few bucks?  And then, some years after you've sold your soul and lost self-respect by remaining silent and, by that silence, allowed the violence to continue for numerous other women, only then do you decide it's time to step up?  The perpetrators of violence have to live with the consequences of their actions just as the silent victims have to live with the consequences of their inaction.

"For most of recorded history, parental violence against children and men's violence against wives was explicitly or implicitly condoned. Those who had the power to prevent and/or punish this violence through religion, law, or custom, openly or tacitly approved it."

-- Riane Eisler, cultural historian, educator, attorney

The culture of Hollywood would seem to be guilty of having a custom which "openly or tacitly approved" of the mistreatment of women.  The Hollywood elite are currently feeding on themselves like starving piranha for what they all knew was going on in their industry.  Yeah, they all knew, you'd have to be a brain dead zombie not to have known, but then, this is Hollywood socialism hard at work.  The Hollywood men are running like rats, back into the sewer, lest they be targeted for what they thought was an acceptable culture of business as usual.  I can't wait until we find out the Hollywood women were also perpetrating violence against their own gender, or to the men.  The bloodletting will become legendary!  

What is happening concerning violence against women in Hollywood is important.  Unfortunately, the rest of America has, unfortunately, become numb to crap that happens there.  An actress can cry rape and the rest of America yawns, "What else is new?"  This is just sad.  Is there any wonder we pay little attention to what these people think, about anything?  It seems they are, more times than not, more screwed up than their audience.  Their entire lives revolve around being something they aren't.  They seem to live in a fantasy world of socialism ruled by ignorance and dreams, and when they are confronted by reality - the sky is falling.  Their awards shows have become boring platforms for socialist diatribe about issues which the rest of the world is already well aware of.  Well, Hollywood, welcome to reality, brought to you without commercial interruptions.

"Look, guys, no matter what a girl does, no matter how she's dressed, no matter how much she's had to drink, it's never, never, never, never, never OK to touch her without her consent. This doesn't make you a man. It makes you a coward."

-- Joe Biden, 47th Vice President of the U.S.

There are lessons here for everyone in this mess.  First of all, It is never okay to touch a woman without her consent.  Beware of life's pitfalls.  Don't desire to work in an industry with a culture of life which you know is against everything you believe because, when you finally wake up to it, you'll look like an idiot - a victim, but an idiot.  Violence against anyone is wrong; don't put yourself in a situation you know is bad, and if you do, you have the choice to walk away; people will find a reason, or make one up, to sue for money; people who have faded from the limelight will, sooner or later, find a way to get back into it and, it would seem, usually at someone else's expense; people who have no reason to be famous will lie about someone just to have their own 15 minutes of fame; people will come out of the woodwork to dethrone the famous for something the famous did, or want us all to think they did, years ago; lawyers live for this shit; and finally, when there's a feeding frenzy, the line of truth is often obscured by all the insanity and blood (again, lawyers live for this shit).  Life is full of choices and consequences; make good choices!

The major lesson to be learned, however, is to speak up immediately.  Waiting for any length of time simply creates more issues than it solves.  Time brings into question the motive and honesty of the victim.  Facts blur into "best recollections" of the event.  Most importantly, your self-respect takes a serious hammering from the deafening silence of your screams.  And then, people do change.  The culture of violence can be overcome by the individual with a desire to do so, but they will have to live with who they were and the very real possibility that there is a victim out there just waiting to rat them out.  Why are they waiting?

I hate the very idea of someone perpetrating mental or physical violence against a woman, unless it's in self-defense.  Self-defense is understandable but, even then, you need to learn to walk away from bad situations and let someone know, get some help.  Keeping silent can lose you everything, including your self-respect, or your life.  If speaking out will lose you a job, or money, then so be it.  At least you'll still have your self-respect, when all is said and done.  It is a choice to stand up for you and not be complicit in a crime against yourself.  Oh, and by the way, this can also happen to men; we need to remember that violence isn't just physical.

“An abuser isn't abusive 24/7. They usually demonstrate positive character traits most of the time. That's what makes the abuse so confusing when it happens, and what makes leaving so much more difficult.”

-- Miya Yamanouchi, counsellor, writer, activist, feminist

I have a wakeup call for everyone; this is not a nice world we live in, go figure.  Be on guard at all times, even around people you think you know.  Learn to say NO!  Develop a sense of self-respect you are not willing to sell.  And learn to speak up loudly about those who wrong you!

This is just my knee-jerk reaction to what I'm seeing go on in Washington D.C., Hollywood, and the trash mongering media.  I could be wrong in most everything I've said, and I'm certain the League of the Perpetually Offended will be the first to let me know.   

Life is all about the choices we make, so make good choices.  The consequences will usually be easier to live with.  

“But why does it matter what we call it, as long as there is concerted action to respond to and prevent such crimes? It matters because if we really want to fix something that is broken, if we want to heal these fractures in our society, then we need to understand their causes. If we do not, then we will forever continue to place giant sticking plasters over the wounds left by this violence, trying to bandage over losses that can never be replaced. As long as this violence continues, it is obviously the case that we do have to address the symptoms, but my argument is that we must also address the causes if we want a long-term reduction or even, perhaps, the eventual eradication of male violence against women.”

-- Dr. Finn Mackay, author, feminist, social researcher

Editor's Note

(Re: disclaimer cum "get out of jail free" card)

Before you go getting your panties in a bunch, it is essential to understand that this is just an opinion site and, as such, can be subjected to scrutiny by anyone with a differing opinion. It doesn't make either opinion any more right or wrong than the other. An opinion, presented in this context, is a way of inciting others to think and, hopefully, to form opinions of their own, if they haven't already done so. This is also why, occasionally, I will present an "opinion" just to stir an emotional pot. Where it may sound like I agree with the statements made, I'm more interested in getting others to consider another viewpoint. 

It is my fervent hope that we keep open and active minds when reading opinions and while engaging in peaceful, constructive, discussion in an arena of mutual respect concerning the opinions put forth. After over twenty years with military intelligence, I have come to believe engaging each other in this manner and in this arena is the way we will learn tolerance and respect for differing beliefs, cultures, and viewpoints.

We all fall from grace, some more often than others; it is part of being human. God's test for us is what we learn from the experience, and what we do afterward.

Pastor Tony spent 23 years with United States Air Force Intelligence as a planner, analyst, briefer, instructor, and senior manager. He spent 17 years, following his service career, working with an Institutional Review Board helping to protect the rights of human subjects in pharmaceutical research. Ordained 1n 2013 as an "interfaith" minister, he founded the Congregation for Religious Tolerance in response to intolerance shown by Christians toward peaceful Islam. As the weapon for his war on intolerance he chose the pen, to wage his "battle" in the guise of the Congregation's official online blog, The Path, of which he is both author and editor. "The Path" offers a vehicle for commentary and guidance concerning one's own personal, spiritual, path toward peace and the final destination for us all. He currently resides in Pass Christian, Mississippi, where he volunteers as Chaplain Program Liaison, at a regional medical center.