A Little Effort

Man's main task in life is to give birth to himself, to become what he potentially is. The most important product of his effort is his own personality.

-- Erich Fromm (1900-1980), psychologist, psychoanalyst, sociologist

I made a conscious decision, a short while ago, to cut back on the distribution of my blog and let my readers make the effort to visit the site.  I am still enjoying a worldwide readership, even though most of my posts have lost around fifty percent of page views.  If I were egotistical, this might affect me.  I am annoyed, to a much greater degree, at my own humility.  What really sucks is the knowledge that I have not, yet, reached the potential I strive for.

Lower readership notwithstanding, I have kept my promise to continue writing and I think I've even written more with the time I don't spend on distribution.  I am as interesting as I can be, and even though I do care if people read what I write, if they choose not to put in the effort, I suppose their choice has consequences.

Life is too short to spend in negativity. So I have made a conscious effort to not be where I don't want to be.

-- Hugh Dillon, musician, actor

Master Yoda once said, "Do. Or do not.  There is no try."  As much as I love Master Yoda's perfect view, I've watched his character try and fail multiple times.  Perhaps it might be better to say, "Do.  Or do not. But, if you choose to "do" you must, at the very least, try."  Any effort requires energy, and energy requires effort.  You pretty much can't have one without the other.  Sorry, Yoda, but you don't learn unless you try and fail, and live to try again.  If all we had to do was "do" it would certainly be a boring existence and we would probably learn nothing from it.  Existence is, after all, about the journey, not the destination.

I have never asked the questions of my Wednesday group, at the medical center, as to who wants to be in the program to get well, as opposed to those who were ordered there by some authority.  The second question I should ask is who thinks they need help.  And the third is, who wants to be in my group meeting this morning.  All questions, to my way of thinking, will quickly determine who wants to be more than they are and/or who doesn't or doesn't know.  Since this morning is Wednesday and I leave for the meeting in twenty minutes, the next paragraph will let you know what I discover.

Make each day count by setting specific goals to succeed, then putting forth every effort to exceed your own expectations.

-- Les Brown, author, motivational speaker, statesman

I start each of my meetings with two knocks on the tabletop and "Thank you, God, for another glorious day in paradise and another chance to excel in life!"  I explain to the group that this is my morning mantra and something they should all consider, then I go on to explain why.  The following is what I discovered asking them the three questions from the previous paragraph: 

1. Who wants to be in the program to get well?  This was about 50/50 of the six patients.  Some were told to come and for some, it was an option.
2. Who thinks they need help?  Almost all of them saw a need to be there.
3. Who wanted to be in the group with me this morning?  Two said no, and I told them they were excused.  One took me up on the offer

None of my questions broached the subject of religion or God.  We continued the meeting with my usual discussion about having faith in one's self, and to start asking the right question when your life starts "heading south" on you.  Stop asking what happened, and start asking why.  What happened is clearly obvious or we wouldn't be asking this rhetorical question.  It would be more productive to move straight on to why it happened and, if one is totally honest in answering, the why usually comes back to a choice we made.  Our problems are usually on us; we create our own issues in life and, then, we shift the blame somewhere else so we don't have to own it or admit to a shortcoming.  We are basically lazy and don't want to put in the effort of ownership, to make better choices and fix our problems, and certainly not to deal with the humility of admitting we were wrong.  Heaven forbid!  We actually care what others think of us, and how sad is that?  I'm more concerned about what I think of me than what someone else does.  Who are they to judge me?

“There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self.”

-- Ernest Hemingway (1899-1961), journalist, novelist

With a little effort, we can learn humility and also own it.  We can admit to our errors and use what we did as anecdotal assistance to help others avoid pitfalls. We need to learn how to laugh at ourselves and our mistakes.  We need to not take this life too seriously.  We make choices every day, good and bad.  We hope we learn enough in this life to make more good choices than bad.  Sometimes we need some help but, sooner or later, we must learn to pick ourselves up, have faith in ourselves, and move forward on the path we discover.  It takes such little effort.

Most of the effort involved in ownership and taking control of our lives is simply believing in one's self; having faith in one's self.  Faith is a belief in something for which there is little or no proof.  You need to believe that you can be more than you are.  Most people are willing to listen and to open their mind to possibilities, and a few will walk away without putting forth the little effort needed.  It's as if being a victim of their own poor choices is a way of life they refuse to let go of, and admission of self-imposed shortcomings which many of them refuse to own.

“If anyone tells you that a certain person speaks ill of you, do not make excuses about what is said of you but answer, "He was ignorant of my other faults, else he would not have mentioned these alone.”

-- Epictetus (50-135), Greek Stoic philosopher

Life is full of pitfalls and lessons.  The mistakes we make we can try and learn to live with, or we can rise above them and make a conscious decision to change the consequences of our poor choices.  In some cases, this will require taking another loss, another sacrifice, in order to make it right; to sell your physical or emotional debt, take the loss, and become debt free.  If your new car is draining your finances, sell it and buy a used one.  If your marriage is not a happy one, end it and find happiness.  If your friends constantly drag you into trouble, get shed of them and find better friends.  It isn't so difficult and takes very little effort to state, "I am better than this!"

"The one thing that matters is the effort."

-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery (1900-1944), writer, poet, journalist

I have come to grips with humility.  I have owned the mistakes I've made in my life.  I have made peace with many of them.  For instance, there are people I loved, as far back as high school, whom I never told.  Honesty with myself and others which I kept close to the vest for fear of creating problems, not realizing the problem was me not being forthcoming with the honesty.  Many of us have relationships we have walked away from for fear of some circumstance we weren't willing to suffer, only to discover, all too late, that the feared suffering was much minutia which might have been our salvation, and theirs.

“I have three precious things which I hold fast and prize. The first is gentleness; the second is frugality; the third is humility, which keeps me from putting myself before others. Be gentle and you can be bold; be frugal and you can be liberal; avoid putting yourself before others and you can become a leader among men.”

-- Laozi (601 BC-533 BC), philosopher, writer

One great lesson I learned as a non-commissioned officer in the military was to avoid putting myself before others.  I never asked anyone to do something which I, myself, was not willing to do.  No matter the task, my people knew I was going to be there alongside them to see it through to completion.  I learned to lead by example, and I feel it was this humility which made me a good leader.  Many disagreed with my methods, yet these same people requested me to lead time and again.  I think it is easier to order people to fight with you than to fight for you.  You need to be fully vested in your people before they can be fully vested in you.  A little effort on your part can pay big dividends and open your mind, and the minds of others, to infinite possibilities.

“Stay hungry, stay young, stay foolish, stay curious, and above all, stay humble because just when you think you got all the answers, is the moment when some bitter twist of fate in the universe will remind you that you very much don't.”

-- Tom Hiddleston, actor, producer, muscian

Editor's Note

(Re: disclaimer cum "get out of jail free" card)

Before you go getting your panties in a bunch, it is essential to understand that this is just an opinion site and, as such, can be subjected to scrutiny by anyone with a differing opinion. It doesn't make either opinion any more right or wrong than the other. An opinion, presented in this context, is a way of inciting others to think and, hopefully, to form opinions of their own, if they haven't already done so. This is also why, occasionally, I will present an "opinion" just to stir an emotional pot. Where it may sound like I agree with the statements made, I'm more interested in getting others to consider an alternate viewpoint. 

It is my fervent hope that we keep open and active minds when reading opinions and while engaging in peaceful and constructive discussion, in an arena of mutual respect, concerning those opinions put forth. After over twenty years with military intelligence, I have come to believe engaging each other in this manner and in this arena is the way we will learn tolerance and respect for differing beliefs, cultures, and viewpoints.

We all fall from grace, some more often than others; it is part of being human. God's test for us is what we learn from the experience, and what we do afterward.

Pastor Tony spent 22 years with United States Air Force Intelligence as a planner, analyst, briefer, instructor, and senior manager. He spent 17 years, following his service career, working with the premier, world renowned, Institutional Review Board helping to protect the rights of human subjects involved in pharmaceutical research. Ordained 1n 2013 as an "interfaith" minister, he founded the Congregation for Religious Tolerance in response to intolerance shown by Christians toward peaceful Islam. As the weapon for his war on intolerance he chose the pen, and wages his "battle" in the guise of the Congregation's official online blog, The Path, of which he is both author and editor. "The Path" offers a vehicle for commentary and guidance concerning one's own personal, spiritual, path toward peace and the final destination for us all. He currently resides in Pass Christian, Mississippi, where he volunteers as lead Chaplain and Chaplain Program Liaison, at the regional medical center.

When the Bar is Non-Existent

"The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark."

-- Michelangelo Buonarroti (1475-1564), sculptor, painter, architect, poet

It takes more effort to keep an open mind than to close off all ideas not your own.  Yeah, you can quote me.  I think people should always set their personal bar higher than is reasonable, but they also need to be proud of whatever accomplishment they attain.  It isn't what you accomplish inasmuch as the effort you put into the accomplishment.  But what if the bar has been set so low as to seem non-existent?  I'm not talking about those people who don't strive for any loftier goals but, rather, those people who are all bluster about their philosophy and then fall short in their application.  For instance, if a group is all about not abusing others, yet when they finish berating your own thoughts you feel like they've raked you over the coals and beaten you up so badly you're left to wonder who they really are.  Some Christians do this when they use scripture as a sword or shield, yet have no true concept of the philosophy within.  They tout a lofty bar while they really have little or no bar at all.  They will always achieve the mark they aim for because their mark is all bluster and no substance.

I've known some atheists like this.  They put proof of God on the shoulders of the faithful when all they're really admitting is they can't disprove God.  The faithful have attained their bar in the guise of their undying faith, their belief in something for which there is little or no proof.  The only argument the atheist puts forth is the faith can't prove what they feel they don't have to.  I have put to the atheist that the proof or disproof of anything lies with the detractors, those without faith.  

Those that have faith could really care less about those that don't, but the fact that they do care about the souls of those without faith is more a matter of love than proving right or wrong.  If the atheist has no faith dies, and there is no God, they are dead.  If a person of faith dies, and there is no God, they are dead.  The atheist would say the faithful wasted much time which could have been put to better use.  The faithful would say love is never a waste of time.  They are both dead and, yet, can one of them be, both, dirt poor and truly wealthy?  But, what if the deist is right?  What if the humble bar they set for their personal spiritual belief turns out to be worthy of the effort?  

If God doesn't exist it makes no difference to the faithful because they still haven't wasted their time.  Their love sets the bar and they win either way.  Sometimes I think people who find a need to take away from another person's peaceful belief are actually incapable of embracing this simple concept.  It really isn't about right or wrong, it's about opening your mind, and it's about love.  I have known atheists who do understand and, even though we don't see eye to eye on faith, they are capable of not only understanding, but the tolerance, and that "sweet reasonableness" which even Christianity often times misplaces.  We should all try to keep open and active minds.  We don't have to agree with one another in order to find peaceful common ground.

If a bar is non-existent, set one.  Set your personal bar high and do so with all humility.  Expect more of yourself than of others, but don't look down upon them with some faux sense of ego.  Raise your bar, don't let your ego run into it.  No one of us is perfect, not one.  Help those who need a hand up and don't be too proud to ask for help yourself.  We will fail at much daily, and we must learn from our failures.  Tomorrow we will wake to another glorious day and another chance to excel in this life with these lessons we constantly learn, and if we are constantly setting our bar too low, we sell ourselves short and learn very little which this life has to offer.

Set your personal bar high and don't be afraid if you can't reach it right now.  Keep reaching for the stars.  Always remember that time is simply a construct of measure which has little bearing on the eternity, the forever, the infinite, which lies before you.

“Raise the bar for yourself, increase, improve and inspire others to do same. Never miss the success of each day!”

-- Israelmore Ayivor, author, inspirational speaker, blogger

Editor's Note

(Re: disclaimer cum "get out of jail free" card)

Before you go getting your panties in a bunch, it is essential to understand that this is just an opinion site and, as such, can be subjected to scrutiny by anyone with a differing opinion. It doesn't make either opinion any more right or wrong than the other. An opinion, presented in this context, is a way of inciting others to think and, hopefully, to form opinions of their own, if they haven't already done so. This is also why, occasionally, I will present an "opinion" just to stir an emotional pot. Where it may sound like I agree with the statements made, I'm more interested in getting others to consider an alternate viewpoint. 

It is my fervent hope that we keep open and active minds when reading opinions and while engaging in peaceful and constructive discussion, in an arena of mutual respect, concerning those opinions put forth. After over twenty years with military intelligence, I have come to believe engaging each other in this manner and in this arena is the way we will learn tolerance and respect for differing beliefs, cultures, and viewpoints.

We all fall from grace, some more often than others; it is part of being human. God's test for us is what we learn from the experience, and what we do afterward.

Pastor Tony spent 22 years with United States Air Force Intelligence as a planner, analyst, briefer, instructor, and senior manager. He spent 17 years, following his service career, working with the premier, world renowned, Institutional Review Board helping to protect the rights of human subjects involved in pharmaceutical research. Ordained 1n 2013 as an "interfaith" minister, he founded the Congregation for Religious Tolerance in response to intolerance shown by Christians toward peaceful Islam. As the weapon for his war on intolerance he chose the pen, and wages his "battle" in the guise of the Congregation's official online blog, The Path, of which he is both author and editor. "The Path" offers a vehicle for commentary and guidance concerning one's own personal, spiritual, path toward peace and the final destination for us all. He currently resides in Pass Christian, Mississippi, where he volunteers as lead Chaplain and Chaplain Program Liaison, at the regional medical center.

'Tis the Season?

“When the song of the angels is stilled, when the star in the sky is gone, when the kings and princes are home, when the shepherds are back with their flocks, the work of Christmas begins:  To find the lost, to heal the broken, to feed the hungry, to release the prisoner, to rebuild the nations, to bring peace among the people, to make music in the heart.”

-- Howard Thurman (1899-1981), philosopher, theologian, educator

Lenny Bruce once said, "People are leaving the church and going back to God."  This is no reflection on Jesus Christ, but it is a reflection of our attitudes toward organized religion which has been festering for many years.  It was evident in another quote by Matthew Arnold in the mid-nineteenth century, "Protestantism has the method of Jesus with His secret too much left out of mind: Catholicism has His secret with His method too much left out of mind; neither has His unerring balance, His intuition, His sweet reasonableness. But both have hold of a great truth, and get from it a great power."

This is the season, from Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the New Year, to celebrate our faith and to give thanks for what we have.  We all need to remember that "faith" is a belief in something for which there is little or no evidence.  You may not recognize the little you have as making you wealthy, or the abundance you have as a reason to give thanks and to those less fortunate, and you may not believe in Jesus Christ or God.  These can all be a matter of faith.  If all you have is life then let life itself be a celebration each and every morning.  Once we embrace the gift of our life we can begin to enjoy the fullness of it, and once we understand this fullness we will "have hold of a great truth, and get from it a great power."  

When I minister to folks, especially in groups, I want them to first understand that I am not trying to convert them to some organized religious belief.  My intent is to have them consider faith, their faith in themselves.  You must be able to have faith in yourself before you can truly have faith in anything else.  I would rather you not leave the church and abandon all faith.  God is not responsible for the actions of man and, therefore, God is not responsible for the actions of a church which deigns it proper to speak on God's behalf, to explain what an omnipotent God really means to say, as if God requires human interpretation of those ten very easy commandments instructing us in what to do, or do not.  I can make it easy for those who have trouble understanding God.  Just do the right thing.  It was never intended to be difficult, which is why God made it so simple.

This is the season to treat each other better, to treat each other right, to show an unerring balance intuition, and sweet reasonableness, even if you don't wish to attribute these to a rabbi, teacher, prophet, or God.  It is an annual season to remind us that exercising these attributes is how we should treat each other each and every day of the year, a season which should be in our hearts 24/7/365.

Like many people, I also have issues with organized religion.  What I found by leaving the church, however, was the gift of a personal relationship with my God which requires only this: “And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full.  But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.  And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words.  Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him."  

I think it's better to give to the poor and the needy, to those who cannot do for themselves, than to build multi-million dollar cathedrals which were never required.  As for gathering in fellowship, this can be enjoyed in a park, at the beach, a barbeque, or at someone's house.  If it was good enough for Jesus, why isn't it good enough for the rest of us?  Simply put, if you wish to partake of a "House of God," open your front door, have an "Aha!" moment, and understand that you're already there.

This, the Covenant between man and God, was never meant to be rocket science.  God wanted all people to understand.  We are the ones who complicated it, instead of adding nothing to what God has commanded us: "You must not add to or subtract from what I command you, so that you may keep the commandments of the LORD your God I am giving you."   Interpretation opens wide the door to adding, subtracting, and misunderstanding.

Even if you are not "religious" it does not prevent you from being a person of faith.  It is the season to find that faith, to celebrate it, and to consider the real need for carrying that faith with you throughout the year.

As for me, well, may God bless you all and may each of you find your path, a little peace, and some balance, intuition and sweet reasonableness for the coming year.  Discover your personal faith, make it good, and embrace it.

“If you can't find the spirit of the holidays in your heart, you'll never find it under a tree.”

-- Michael Holbrook, author

Editor's Note

(Re: disclaimer cum "get out of jail free" card)

Before you go getting your panties in a bunch, it is essential to understand that this is just an opinion site and, as such, can be subjected to scrutiny by anyone with a differing opinion. It doesn't make either opinion any more right or wrong than the other. An opinion, presented in this context, is a way of inciting others to think and, hopefully, to form opinions of their own, if they haven't already done so. This is also why, occasionally, I will present an "opinion" just to stir an emotional pot. Where it may sound like I agree with the statements made, I'm more interested in getting others to consider an alternate viewpoint. 

It is my fervent hope that we keep open and active minds when reading opinions and while engaging in peaceful and constructive discussion, in an arena of mutual respect, concerning those opinions put forth. After over twenty years with military intelligence, I have come to believe engaging each other in this manner and in this arena is the way we will learn tolerance and respect for differing beliefs, cultures, and viewpoints.

We all fall from grace, some more often than others; it is part of being human. God's test for us is what we learn from the experience, and what we do afterward.

Pastor Tony spent 22 years with United States Air Force Intelligence as a planner, analyst, briefer, instructor, and senior manager. He spent 17 years, following his service career, working with the premier, world renowned, Institutional Review Board helping to protect the rights of human subjects involved in pharmaceutical research. Ordained 1n 2013 as an "interfaith" minister, he founded the Congregation for Religious Tolerance in response to intolerance shown by Christians toward peaceful Islam. As the weapon for his war on intolerance he chose the pen, and wages his "battle" in the guise of the Congregation's official online blog, The Path, of which he is both author and editor. "The Path" offers a vehicle for commentary and guidance concerning one's own personal, spiritual, path toward peace and the final destination for us all. He currently resides in Pass Christian, Mississippi, where he volunteers as lead Chaplain and Chaplain Program Liaison, at the regional medical center.

Wrong Response

The response to the unreasoned is the rational; to the uninformed, the enlightened; to the straight-out lie, the simple truth.

-- Anthony Kennedy, 93rd Associate Justice of the SCOTUS

I suppose this is a follow-up to my post from last month, No Right Answer, which concerned what we say when faced with questions designed to trap us.  While a "wrong response" can also be seen as an answer to a question, I'd like to approach it from the aspect of action rather than speech.  A non-verbal response can be at least as meaningful to someone, if not more so.

The setting is a restaurant bar, an occasional pit stop for yours truly.

The liquor bottles are set up on an island in the middle of the u-shaped bar, terraced on both sides to allow easy identification of the product.  I'm trying to read one of the labels from my stool when I notice the top of a ball cap moving from left to right behind the bottle facing me.  Now, the top of the bottles, on the upper terrace, is probably five feet above the floor, so I figured this ball cap tops out a few inches less.  What's this kid doing behind the bar?  The young lady appeared from around the other end of the island, and I figured she would be staring at my sternum if I stood in front of her, because I'm only 5'9" so that would make her, maybe, five feet?

She checked the register, made a comment to a coworker, bussed a glass and a bottle, and asked me if I needed anything.  I was drinking coffee, but the thought of using the top of her head as a bistro table to rest my cup on came to mind and the thought was immediately sent packing by how wrong it was.  Unfortunately, I was also ushering the thought out of my mind to the tune of Randy Newman's song "Short People," which jumped in to fill the vacuum, where my brain was supposed to exist.  The song was taunting me to do something stupid, like talk.

I bit my tongue.

Truth be told, the young lady looked like she'd been behind the bar scene long enough to hold her own against guys with less self-control than me.  I brought my knees together when I considered she was about the right height to put most of whatever power she could muster into a slightly downward punch to a guy's unprotected package.  For her, this would take little effort.  No pun intended.

I came to the bar with writer's block.  I like to sit and watch the parade of humanity in hopes of finding some muse to help me write.  I'm rarely disappointed, and tonight was no exception.  Why does the mind, my mind at least, consider the wrong answer or action before a better one?  I'm quite certain not everyone fails at this.  My mother, since I became a teenager, always told me my mouth was going to get me into trouble.  She is right more times than not.

"Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."

-- Viktor E. Frankl (1905-1997), neurologist, psychiatrist,Holocaust survivor

I learned to control my poor choices in this particular "feedback" arena by learning to bite my tongue, take a moment, and consider the consequences of the choice I'm about to make.  I find this usually pays off when dealing with other people, especially if the prospective target of my attention isn't being a total ass.  When preparing to launch an attack, verbal or non-verbal, against a weak-minded person, one must take a moment to consider the all too probable possibility of receiving a serious butt whipping.  "The better part of valour, is discretion," after all.  I weighed this young lady's attributes in my mind, for instance, and her obvious experience behind a bar made up for her short stature.  Good sense overcame stupidity.  I told her I could use a refill of coffee, and to add a shot glass of whiskey on the side.  I figured the whiskey might get Randy to shut up.  It took two shots.

"When you assume negative intent, you're angry. If you take away that anger and assume positive intent, you will be amazed. Your emotional quotient goes up because you are no longer almost random in your response."

-- Indra Nooyi, business executive, CEO

Another truth I would learn growing up was to "leave it alone."  Not everything requires an answer or a response.  And, if you're dealing with an ass, these people are, for the most part, weak-minded.  Do unto others as you would have them do unto you, or you risk lowering yourself to their level.  A gutter is a lonely place filled with weak-minded bullies and assholes.  Sometimes it is best to just walk away. 

"Being responsible sometimes means pissing people off."

-- General Colin Powell, statesman

Our response can sometimes be overwhelming.  According to Coretta Scott King, "Nonviolence is the only credible response to the violence we're seeing around the world."  With all due respect to Ms. King, we all see how that worked out for the Jews during World War II.  Non-violence against pure evil can result in genocide or total destruction.  Perhaps it might be better to consider a "measured" response in lieu of a bad response?  If there's no good reason for violence or disrespect, walk away.

Our answers and responses are seen by those around us as a window into who we are.  If other people's opinions don't matter to you, then you might want to consider your opinion of yourself.  Consider who you see staring back at you from the mirror.  Does this person make you proud?  Before you get into it with some other jackass, remember the only thing many people will see - two jackasses braying at each other.  Maybe you should think of putting your best foot forward?

Then again, you can always practice braying.  Hee Haw!  Hee Haw!

"You are the reason of your own good-luck and bad-luck; success and failure; happiness and pain. Your choices are responsible for your present."

-- Sanjeev Himachali, human resources and management consultant 

Editor's Note

(Re: disclaimer cum "get out of jail free" card)

Before you go getting your panties in a bunch, it is essential to understand that this is just an opinion site and, as such, can be subjected to scrutiny by anyone with a differing opinion. It doesn't make either opinion any more right or wrong than the other. An opinion, presented in this context, is a way of inciting others to think and, hopefully, to form opinions of their own, if they haven't already done so. This is also why, occasionally, I will present an "opinion" just to stir an emotional pot. Where it may sound like I agree with the statements made, I'm more interested in getting others to consider an alternate viewpoint. 

It is my fervent hope that we keep open and active minds when reading opinions and while engaging in peaceful and constructive discussion, in an arena of mutual respect, concerning those opinions put forth. After over twenty years with military intelligence, I have come to believe engaging each other in this manner and in this arena is the way we will learn tolerance and respect for differing beliefs, cultures, and viewpoints.

We all fall from grace, some more often than others; it is part of being human. God's test for us is what we learn from the experience, and what we do afterward.

Pastor Tony spent 22 years with United States Air Force Intelligence as a planner, analyst, briefer, instructor, and senior manager. He spent 17 years, following his service career, working with the premier, world renowned, Institutional Review Board helping to protect the rights of human subjects involved in pharmaceutical research. Ordained 1n 2013 as an "interfaith" minister, he founded the Congregation for Religious Tolerance in response to intolerance shown by Christians toward peaceful Islam. As the weapon for his war on intolerance he chose the pen, and wages his "battle" in the guise of the Congregation's official online blog, The Path, of which he is both author and editor. "The Path" offers a vehicle for commentary and guidance concerning one's own personal, spiritual, path toward peace and the final destination for us all. He currently resides in Pass Christian, Mississippi, where he volunteers as lead Chaplain and Chaplain Program Liaison, at the regional medical center.

Who People See

“Human tragedies: We all want to be extraordinary and we all just want to fit in.Unfortunately, extraordinary people rarely fit in.”

-- Sebastyne Young, author

What do people see when they look at you?  Well, what they see is who they see, right?  Not necessarily so.  Most people put on a mask before they leave the house.  They put on makeup, brush their hair, shave, bathe, and usually choose an outfit that says, "Look at me."  So, who is really underneath all that fluff?  The answer is sometimes frightening and can explain why these people go to such lengths to hide their reality.

Military Intelligence makes it easy to hide who you are, as it demands secrecy about most everything you hear, read, say, or do.  I had to laugh as Zed describes the "Men in Black":  "You'll conform to the identity we give you, eat where we tell you, live where we tell you. From now on you'll have no identifying marks of any kind. You'll not stand out in any way. Your entire image is crafted to leave no lasting memory with anyone you encounter. You're a rumor, recognizable only as deja vu and dismissed just as quickly. You don't exist; you were never even born. Anonymity is your name. Silence your native tongue. You're no longer part of the System. You're above the System. Over it. Beyond it. We're 'them.' We're 'they.' We are the Men in Black."  Military intelligence wasn't near that bad, but sometimes you began to wonder.  We would joke about using the restroom and accidentally flushing some classified bodily substance.  No, not quite that bad.

As a child, I never fit in.  I was a small pinball.  I wanted to fit in with other children but was usually too busy pinging off the walls and bumpers in the game of life.  I'm not sure my parents understood attention deficit or hyperactivity.  It explains, though, why I was an only child - who could handle two of me, and who would want to?  Even the other children couldn't handle me, so I found myself often excluded, the last to be picked if picked at all.  I was a troubled handful of attitude headed for a juvenile facility if I didn't clean up my act.  My saving grace was my own early understanding of what I was.  I didn't realize, at the time, that I was about to do something which would redirect my life - I put a lid on the volcano.  I learned to focus.

“We're so quick to cut away pieces of ourselves to suit a particular relationship, a job, a circle of friends, incessantly editing who we are until we fit in.”

-- Charles de Lint, writer

A motorcycle accident forced me to be still for a couple of months while in traction.  After that... Marijuana.  Well, it did calm me down.  I'm not sure anyone ever broached the topic of medication with my parents.  While everyone else was stoned, what I discovered was a calm which everyone else referred to as "normal."  Whoa!  Was that an "Aha!" moment.  So this is what everyone else was like, normally.  Drugs were never my "thing" and I knew marijuana was going to be a temporary "fix,"  so to speak.  Now that I had experienced what "normal" was, it became easy for me to replicate the feeling with meditation and sheer force of will.  I found I could "fit in" and was able to graduate from high school.  I no longer juggled four or five, or ten, ideas in my head at one time.  I entered college with a different mind, a focussed mind.  I could now place the many ideas into neat, orderly files, and work them separately.  The volcano was still there, however, under pressure.

“People who fit don’t seek. The seekers are those that don’t fit.”

-- Shannon L. Alder, author

Who you are and who you display is a simple matter for most people wishing to fit in.  When you bottle yourself up and contain energy for any great length of time, things can change.  Elements subjected to great pressure will slowly change into something else.  I found it easier to be someone else depending on who I was around.  I would fit in through lying by omission, by not revealing who I really was, inside my head.  Are you this, or that, or do you really care?  Who are you going to be today?  What mask are you going to wear?  What behavior will be displayed?  Introvert, extrovert, sociopath, or deviant?  Will you act "normal" or will you make it up as you go?  And there's always the ever popular:  What will the voice in your head tell you, and will there only be one?  "Yes. No. Yes. No. You started it. No, I didn't. Will you two shut the hell up? I'm trying to think, here! See?  Now we've pissed him off."

“Me, I trust people who show you what freaks they are. It's the ones who blend in that ya gotta watch out for.”

-- Hope Larson, illustrator, cartoonist

During 65 years of life, much of it was lived being someone I wasn't, much of it was lived "fitting in" by living a lie, mostly of omission, because you train yourself to forget what you said, read, heard, and did, on a daily basis.  Everything was classified, and if you weren't sure, it was.  I filed almost everything in a three-combination vault with varying levels of security and access.  Sometimes you simply bagged the entire day into a drawer, and you'd lose pieces of your life and yourself in the process.  You are no longer getting lost in the crowd as much as you're getting lost in yourself.   Who are people really seeing?  When your life begins to fall apart, instead of the volcano blowing up, you exert such great control until it collapses under its own intense pressure, like some huge star which bypasses exploding in favor os simply collapsing into a massive black hole.  The gravity of the situation is overwhelming.  You look in a mirror one morning and realize a stranger is staring back at you.

“Those who follow the crowd usually get lost in it.”

-- Rick Warren, pastor, author

Sooner or later a person has to let the pressure out and let some light in.  You have to stop being what you aren't, stop omitting people, and start letting people experience who you really are.  You need to start living for those things which have eluded you in the past, like love and friends.  I have always been a square peg masquerading as a round one, never quite fitting in the hole I'd chosen and always hoping no one would notice.

I spent the majority of my adult life analyzing classified information and spitting out alternate realities, as I saw it, to planners, policymakers, and commanders.  I read, what I considered, faulty conclusions from other government agencies and would put forth my own "humble" alternate possibilities.  I was pretty good at what I did.  But, when you've spent most your life spinning the truth, gaming the people around you, messing with their heads, well... I always figured it takes one to know one.  Do this long enough and you risk losing the truth of who you are and do something really stupid, like destroy your marriage.  Sooner or later you realize you have to stop before you aren't capable of separating fact from fiction.  I don't play poker anymore.  I play very few games, as a matter of fact, and I lost my taste for marriage.  Sometimes winning simply isn't worth the cost to your soul, or someone else's.

“Take someone who doesn't keep score,who's not looking to be richer, or afraid of losing,who has not the slightest interest evenin his own personality: he's free.”

-- Rumi Jalalu'l-Din (1207-1273), poet, Islamic scholar, theologian

What people see isn't always who they think they see, and who they think they see isn't always what others choose to show them.  When we strip away our masks we are, ultimately, what and who we truly are.  We need to understand that what and who we truly are is not a bad thing, as long as we're good people.  Don't worry so much about fitting in, just be a good and kind person, even to those who aren't good and kind to you.  Everything else will work itself out, sooner or later.  Don't be in such a rush to live, or the lessons of life will get lost in all the bullshit which surrounds us.

Be happy with who and what you are.  If people can't handle that, isn't it going to be their loss more than yours?  It should be.  As for those people who don't treat you right, I have found that treating them better usually pisses them off, and what fun that is.

“When I was young, I used to wish I would fit in…
I’m glad I didn’t get my wish.”

-- Steve Maraboli, behavioral scientist, researcher, speaker

Editor's Note

(Re: disclaimer cum "get out of jail free" card)

Before you go getting your panties in a bunch, it is essential to understand that this is just an opinion site and, as such, can be subjected to scrutiny by anyone with a differing opinion. It doesn't make either opinion any more right or wrong than the other. An opinion, presented in this context, is a way of inciting others to think and, hopefully, to form opinions of their own, if they haven't already done so. This is also why, occasionally, I will present an "opinion" just to stir an emotional pot. Where it may sound like I agree with the statements made, I'm more interested in getting others to consider an alternate viewpoint. 

It is my fervent hope that we keep open and active minds when reading opinions and while engaging in peaceful and constructive discussion, in an arena of mutual respect, concerning those opinions put forth. After over twenty years with military intelligence, I have come to believe engaging each other in this manner and in this arena is the way we will learn tolerance and respect for differing beliefs, cultures, and viewpoints.

We all fall from grace, some more often than others; it is part of being human. God's test for us is what we learn from the experience, and what we do afterward.

Pastor Tony spent 22 years with United States Air Force Intelligence as a planner, analyst, briefer, instructor, and senior manager. He spent 17 years, following his service career, working with the premier, world renowned, Institutional Review Board helping to protect the rights of human subjects involved in pharmaceutical research. Ordained 1n 2013 as an "interfaith" minister, he founded the Congregation for Religious Tolerance in response to intolerance shown by Christians toward peaceful Islam. As the weapon for his war on intolerance he chose the pen, and wages his "battle" in the guise of the Congregation's official online blog, The Path, of which he is both author and editor. "The Path" offers a vehicle for commentary and guidance concerning one's own personal, spiritual, path toward peace and the final destination for us all. He currently resides in Pass Christian, Mississippi, where he volunteers as lead Chaplain and Chaplain Program Liaison, at the regional medical center.

The Downhill Slide

“Look at a day when you are supremely satisfied at the end. It's not a day when you lounge around doing nothing; it's a day you've had everything to do and you've done it.”

-- Margaret Thatcher (1925-2013),  Prime Minsiter U.K.

It seems like I pay more attention, of late, to those who bemoan the downhill side of life; people my own age who feel the "end" will come, and all too soon. The end? I shake my head and smile. These are people who have truly lived life, many are retired military who have sidestepped death on multiple occasions, yet learned nothing except they are riding the downhill slide into oblivion. They wish they have more time, and their wish may evidence their lack of faith and understanding.

Early in my life, as a younger man, I got married before I had any concept of what it was all about; money management, kids, love, all escaped me in favor of an intense focus on my work.  I think many of us become our parents, good and bad.  Overcoming the bad can be dependent on having some life-changing event which puts it right in your face.  For me, this was my divorce.  The intense focus on work helped me to become everything I had tried to make sure my children didn't.  They are their own great success.

“Getting older is a question of coming to terms with the fact that you’ll never know the secrets, and the resulting equilibrium is what gives the illusion of actually knowing them.”

-- Paul Shepheard, architect, author 

I read philosophies throughout my life, searching for secrets which were right in front of me.  I think most of us do this, we really don't see the forest for all the trees we allow life to put in front of us.  We think we see the forest, we convince ourselves that we do, and then we fall all the harder because of it.  The fall is what wakes most of us up to the reality we kept missing.  Those of us that survive realize that life really isn't as hard as we have made it.  I think this is why many older folks are at peace with their own end when it comes.  They learn that this life, difficult or not, is simply another stop on our journey through infinity. 

As you grow older, you learn to understand life a little better.

-- Solomon Burke (1940-2010), preacher, singer

What people think of me stopped mattering when I lost everything.  You have a choice when you lose it all; you can cry, you can be angry, or you can learn humility.  I chose humility with an unfortunate target for misplaced anger.  My humility finally won out as I was constantly reminded that forgiveness is a virtue, especially when you shoulder your own responsibility for what happens in life; those poor choices and the consequences which follow.

I equate the "downhill slide" of my life with a scene from the movie Dr. Strangelove (1964).  Maj. Kong (Slim Pickens) wonders why the nuclear weapon didn't drop from the bomb bay of his aircraft.  He has to sit on it to operate the manual release and then rides the bomb, like a rodeo cowboy, to its ultimate destruction, whipping his cowboy hat around all the way down.  It's the realization that life here is what you make of it, so you might as well embrace the power God has given you and ride it for all the enjoyment you can before you board the bus for the next destination on your journey. 

As we grow older, we must discipline ourselves to continue expanding, broadening, learning, keeping our minds active and open.

-- Clint Eastwood, actor, filmmaker, political figure

I have returned to reading philosophy, in particular, the ancient Greeks.  I have found what was true for them still has much relevance today.  Heraclitus was delving into quantum physics and stating that change is the only constant in the universe; Socrates was trying to tell us that a wise man really knows nothing; Plato argued the infinite nature of the soul, and the material world is not the real world.  The ancient philosophers of Greece and China were hammering out our issues a half millennia before the birth of Christ, or more than 2500 years ago.

I don't want to die, but I don't fear death should it come.  I have tried to tell people what they mean to me and have tried to impart some humble tidbits of what I have learned.  I have managed to live longer than quite a few of my contemporaries, friends, and acquaintances, in spite of my seeming disregard for personal safety.  Perhaps its due to never taking up smoking as a habit, jumping out of perfectly good aircraft, or free climbing verticle cliff faces.  I have put my life at enough risk without intentionally tempting fate by losing all good sense.

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

-- George Burns (1896-1996), comedian, actor, singer, writer

I constantly preach the Dylan Thomas poem, Do not go gentle into that good night.  Not fearing death and raging against it makes perfect sense.  You can be prepared for the ultimate conclusion to this life without inviting it upon yourself.  Living life to the fullest does not mean trying to catch a bullet in your teeth.  I mean, isn't that just the dumbest idea?  As for me, I've had everything to do, and I haven't done the half of it.  If I don't get to it in this life, I will work hard to do better in the next.  Then again, if our life is written by God, I'm certain procrastination must have accounted for several chapters of my life plan.

Someone once said, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many."  They would be right.  And I think, in my own humble opinion, those who don't grow old are usually victims of their own folly.  Of course, I could be wrong.

“I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me - they’re cramming for their final exam.”

-- George Carlin (1937-2008), comedian, actor, author

Editor's Note

(Re: disclaimer cum "get out of jail free" card)

Before you go getting your panties in a bunch, it is essential to understand that this is just an opinion site and, as such, can be subjected to scrutiny by anyone with a differing opinion. It doesn't make either opinion any more right or wrong than the other. An opinion, presented in this context, is a way of inciting others to think and, hopefully, to form opinions of their own, if they haven't already done so. This is also why, occasionally, I will present an "opinion" just to stir an emotional pot. Where it may sound like I agree with the statements made, I'm more interested in getting others to consider an alternate viewpoint. 

It is my fervent hope that we keep open and active minds when reading opinions and while engaging in peaceful and constructive discussion, in an arena of mutual respect, concerning those opinions put forth. After over twenty years with military intelligence, I have come to believe engaging each other in this manner and in this arena is the way we will learn tolerance and respect for differing beliefs, cultures, and viewpoints.

We all fall from grace, some more often than others; it is part of being human. God's test for us is what we learn from the experience, and what we do afterward.

Pastor Tony spent 22 years with United States Air Force Intelligence as a planner, analyst, briefer, instructor, and senior manager. He spent 17 years, following his service career, working with the premier, world renowned, Institutional Review Board helping to protect the rights of human subjects involved in pharmaceutical research. Ordained 1n 2013 as an "interfaith" minister, he founded the Congregation for Religious Tolerance in response to intolerance shown by Christians toward peaceful Islam. As the weapon for his war on intolerance he chose the pen, and wages his "battle" in the guise of the Congregation's official online blog, The Path, of which he is both author and editor. "The Path" offers a vehicle for commentary and guidance concerning one's own personal, spiritual, path toward peace and the final destination for us all. He currently resides in Pass Christian, Mississippi, where he volunteers as lead Chaplain and Chaplain Program Liaison, at the regional medical center.

No Right Answer?

Have you stopped beating your wife?   

Answer:  □ Yes   □ No

Sometimes there is no right answer.  It can be frustrating.  It can be dangerous.  "Do those pants make you look fat?  Really?  A face that could stop a clock and that's your worry?"  "Fatter, or just fat?  I'm confused."  "You mean, as opposed to usually?"  "It isn't the pants making you look fat?"  "You don't 'look' fat."  "Let me sleep on it."  "I suppose you want an answer right this minute?"  "A closet full of clothes and you don't have a tent?"  And, of course, the ever-popular subtle non-answer, "Uh..."

Let's face it, she wouldn't ask if she weren't already concerned.  Even if you love her, simply saying "no" would make you a liar and shoot your credibility all to hell.  You might be better off saying, "You don't look fat to me, doll."  If you don't put much spin on that "me," you might even get a kiss for being sweet.  Some people might even advise that she's simply looking for a "warm fuzzy," as opposed to intentionally opening you up for a potential butt whipping.  Men are from Mars and women are from Venus, so if she wants a warm fuzzy I'd prefer she has her hair and nails done, put on some makeup, a nice dress, some sexy heels, grabs my butt, and stops asking questions she already knows the answers to.  Just saying.

Sometimes there is no right answer.

  

"Will you respect me in the morning?"   The question presupposes he respects you now, and if that respect isn't obviously clear, why in God's good name are you with him, much less thinking of doing the nasty with him?  What's your response going to be if the answer isn't what you want to hear?  His telling kneejerk answer might be, "Uh... well... uh... of course!"  Then again, he might just smile.  Unless there's no expectation of respect on your part, you should immediately walk away; otherwise, you reap what you sow and good luck with that.  Men should never have a problem respecting women they're with, and women should expect them to give it.  Men should learn how to bake cookies for them, later that evening, preferably something with chocolate in them.  Men might also consider making them breakfast the next morning because... well, why not?

Sometimes there is no right answer to keep one out of trouble.  Bad marriages are a great place to find examples of questions phrased specifically to make sure you're paying attention as you're being set up to fail.  When in doubt I have learned that honesty can win the day if you couch the answer properly.  The problem with being set up to fail is a basic lack of mutual understanding and respect, like in a nasty divorce.  Honesty, be damned.  Right is wrong and there doesn't have to be a reason to ignore honesty other than someone needs to be hurt and, unfortunately, it's usually the children.

Things aren’t always what they seem. What we see is often open to interpretation, and what we hear is often not clear. Answers in these circumstances are always a matter of choice, of right or wrong. Either way, we will garner enlightenment as truth wins out.

The good thing about "sometimes" is the good probability of "other times" when there will be a right answer.  My "other times" have become "more times than not" as I have learned more than I ever thought concerning humility.  The best thing about humility is a realization you don't always have to be right.  Humility provides a path for mutual understanding and respect, patience and communication.  I suppose if one finds themselves always at odds with right answers, I 'd advise finding a little humility.

I'd also advise people to accept themselves.  If you're comfortable with who you are then why do you care about someone else's opinion of you?  If you don't like being fat, deal with it.  If you're fine with the way you look, then embrace it.  Loving ourselves is the first step to loving others.  We tend to bring way too much drama into our lives when we ask questions to which we already know the answers.

Of course, all of this is just my humble opinion.  I could be wrong.

Editor's Note

(Re: disclaimer cum "get out of jail free" card)

Before you go getting your panties in a bunch, it is essential to understand that this is just an opinion site and, as such, can be subjected to scrutiny by anyone with a differing opinion. It doesn't make either opinion any more right or wrong than the other. An opinion, presented in this context, is a way of inciting others to think and, hopefully, to form opinions of their own, if they haven't already done so. This is also why, occasionally, I will present an "opinion" just to stir an emotional pot. Where it may sound like I agree with the statements made, I'm more interested in getting others to consider an alternate viewpoint. 

It is my fervent hope that we keep open and active minds when reading opinions and while engaging in peaceful and constructive discussion, in an arena of mutual respect, concerning those opinions put forth. After over twenty years with military intelligence, I have come to believe engaging each other in this manner and in this arena is the way we will learn tolerance and respect for differing beliefs, cultures, and viewpoints.

We all fall from grace, some more often than others; it is part of being human. God's test for us is what we learn from the experience, and what we do afterward.

Pastor Tony spent 22 years with United States Air Force Intelligence as a planner, analyst, briefer, instructor, and senior manager. He spent 17 years, following his service career, working with the premier, world renowned, Institutional Review Board helping to protect the rights of human subjects involved in pharmaceutical research. Ordained 1n 2013 as an "interfaith" minister, he founded the Congregation for Religious Tolerance in response to intolerance shown by Christians toward peaceful Islam. As the weapon for his war on intolerance he chose the pen, and wages his "battle" in the guise of the Congregation's official online blog, The Path, of which he is both author and editor. "The Path" offers a vehicle for commentary and guidance concerning one's own personal, spiritual, path toward peace and the final destination for us all. He currently resides in Pass Christian, Mississippi, where he volunteers as lead Chaplain and Chaplain Program Liaison, at the regional medical center.