Blunt Words for Divorcing Parents

This made the rounds through e-mail again the other day, and I found the words to be as true as the first time it came by me.  This short four paragraphs are entitled, Minnesota Judge Has 200 Blunt Words for Divorcing Parents.  Allegedly written in 2001 by Judge Michael Haas, it carries a great message:

"Your children have come into this world because of the two of you.  Perhaps you two made lousy choices as to whom you decided to be the other parent.  If so, that is your problem and your fault.    

No matter what you think of the other party--or what your family thinks of the other party--these children are one-half of each of you.  Remember that, because every time you tell your child what an "idiot" his father is, or what a "fool" his mother is, or how bad the absent parent is, or what terrible things that person has done, you are telling the child half of him is bad.

That is an unforgivable thing to do to a child.  That is not love.  That is possession.  If you do that to your children, you will destroy them as surely as if you had cut them to pieces, because that is what you are doing to their emotions.

I sincerely hope that you do not do that to your children.  Think more about your children and less about yourselves, and make yours a selfless kind of love, not foolish or selfish, or your children will suffer"

Words once spoken in anger are the most difficult to take back.  They are also the most difficult to erase from a child's mind.  I can honestly say that words are equally as damaging as actions, however.  It takes one to know one.  God forgive me, I assisted my ex-wife in putting our children through this torment.  

I'm not sure if you can weigh which is worse--the selfish activity of one parent or the scathing reproaches of the offended other.  It seems like one is always looking for greener grass while the other is trying to salvage the existing pasture.  More times than not, the entire issue could have been avoided with basic honesty.  After some twenty years of fighting it, I finally had to throw in the towel as I came to grips with a marriage that was based on twenty years of bullshit.  Two painful truths hit you right in the face:  This is no way to live your life; this is not a fit relationship in which to raise children.

I'd wish I could say what we put the kids through had no effect on how they turned out--I can't.  My daughter is in a loving relationship with a great guy and has two wonderful, intelligent children of her own.  My son is in a loving relationship with a terrific, beautiful young woman, has never married and has no kids.  I have not asked either of them if what we put them through dictated the different emotional relationships they are in.  It is none of my business.  They are both happy, and I have learned to focus on the positive.

If you can understand the damage this has on a child then try to wrap your mind around the damage you do to yourself for the rest of your life; this "not knowing" if you have damaged your children.  What if they carry your anger forward into their own lives; the distrust, betrayals, and the hurt?  Live with that for another twenty years or more and see what you think.  There is no forgiveness, if you really care.  You carry what you did and what you said with you, hidden, like an ugly scar.  It is better to just walk away than to fight over an empty relationship, over nothing, especially when that is all you have.  

It is better to leave try to do the right thing.  The children will grow to understand what happened.  They will grow up to understand where to place fault.  Be remembered for doing and saying the right things.  One more bit of advice:  Always remind your children that both of you love them and, if they blame the other parent, remind them that they should love them for being their parent and not for anything they might say or do in anger about you.  You need to understand that kids really do get it, more time than not.

I leave you with a quote that, on the surface, would seem to be addressing the offending partner.  Try reading it as the offended child.  Kind of makes you think.

"Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got."  -- Robert Brault