What's in a Relationship?

“A loving relationship is one in which the loved one is free to be himself — to laugh with me, but never at me; to cry with me, but never because of me; to love life, to love himself, to love being loved. Such a relationship is based upon freedom and can never grow in a jealous heart.”-- Leo F. Buscaglia, Professor, author, motivational speaker

Leo Buscaglia: A man I never knew but grew to love, a man I never met but grew to respect, and a man for which I cried when I heard that he had passed.  If you haven't heard of Leo you can look him up online and watch many of his videos.  The quotes in this post are all his.  He teaches much about love and relationships.  Leo once said, “A loving relationship is one in which the loved one is free to be himself — to laugh with me, but never at me; to cry with me, but never because of me; to love life, to love himself, to love being loved. Such a relationship is based upon freedom and can never grow in a jealous heart.”  

Rest in peace, my secret mentor.

“Never idealize others. They will never live up to your expectations. Don't over-analyze your relationships. Stop playing games. A growing relationship can only be nurtured by genuineness.”

A woman I was in a relationship with once told me she wanted to dedicate herself to me and our relationship.  I told her that wasn't what I wanted.  I wanted her to grow and become her own person.  Now, I did this by letter, from overseas while on a short tour with the military.  Never say this kind of stuff in a letter - it will be misunderstood, especially if, deep down inside, what the other party really wants... is out.  You just gave them permission to do anything.  If you listen, you can learn much from failure.  I became a hypocrite.

“The hardest battle you are ever going to have to fight is the battle to be just you.”

My failure taught me a lot about relationships.  The first, of course, is to talk face to face, not over the phone or by mail, about anything that is important in a life-changing way.  Communication is paramount.  Both parties need to learn how to listen, question and provide feedback, judge your understanding, and repeat the communication if necessary to ensure you "get it."  I failed at this so badly, and communication was my job in the military.

“A single rose can be my garden; a single friend, my world.”

So, what's in a relationship? Well, I had to take a serious look at this, for myself. In my personal life, I cook and wash dishes. I sew, wash, fold, and iron, my own clothes. I don't consider any of these a chore, rather rote tasks that allow me time to ponder the universe. Ironing became an anal task in the military. My shirts had to be ironed just so, and it seemed I was the only one capable of doing them right. I entertain myself and enjoy my "me time." I've always enjoyed the time by myself. It isn't that I don't like people, I just don't need them, but I do want them, as long as they're not underfoot. I do like the companionship, conversation, and common interests we have together. So, I'm not anti-social, but what do I want in a personal relationship? What do I want them to bring to the table? Nothing. Well, almost nothing.

I have done everything for myself since I left home.  Mom taught me how to be self-sufficient.  When I was married, nothing changed.  Why should it?  All I wanted from my wife was for her to become her own person, not to become reliant on me or constantly feel as though she had to dote on me, basically be constantly underfoot.  What I wanted from my wife was for her was to love me.  That was so very too much to ask, however.  Why does "love" seem to always involve drama?  Because we seem to live for drama.

“Find the person who will love you because of your differences and not in spite of them and you have found a lover for life.”

People use me because I allow it, not because they think I don't know what they're doing.  When I tire of being used it surprises them when I state its either time to stop or for the relationship to end.  A knife in the back by a significant other is a good time to call it off, especially if they're just using you.

I look upon a relationship between two people as being partners in business.  You each bring something to the table, equal with respect to your abilities unless you both agree it isn't necessary.  But, the slack in this agreement must be made up in other ways to keep your partnership equal in the "business."  Since I can provide everything for myself and require nothing from another person, what can they possibly bring to the table that I don't already have?  Love.  And, if I love them, I can excuse any use of me they think they're getting away with.  Knowing that, if they truly loved me, they shouldn't be using me in the first place.  For me, love is funny that way.  I tend to ignore negative things, at least for a while.  If you're not using me, great!  If you're doing nothing for me, I have to ask, "Why are you in my world?"

"When you love someone you do not love them all the time, in exactly the same way, from moment to moment. It is an impossibility. It is even a lie to pretend to.  And yet this is exactly what most of us demand. We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. We leap at the flow of the tide and resist in terror its ebb. We are afraid it will never return. We insist on permanency, on duration, on continuity; when the only continuity possible, in life as in love, is in growth, in fluidity - in freedom."

Lead, follow, or get out of the way!  For me, this is a good credo for an excellent relationship.  If you can't pick one of these the relationship won't work.  Look at the friends around you and ask yourself how you interact with them?  In any situation, there will be leaders, followers, and those who just need to go sit down and let the rest do the task at hand; the time for their abilities will come in due course.

“Don't hold to anger, hurt or pain. They steal your energy and keep you from love.”

Since my divorce in 2000, I have tried not to argue with people.  Instead, I try to understand their point of view or let them fail and then help pick up the pieces with a healthy dose of "told you so" in my eyes.  A relationship can be tough enough without fighting and drama, and if this is all there is maybe the relationship isn't a good fit.  Maybe it would be best for both of you to get shed of it.

“Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy.”

Having said all this, I also have to remember I'm a self-proclaimed hypocrite.  Well, aren't we all, to some extent, hypocritical?  Don't we bend the rules occasionally to suit ourselves?  Aren't we all, to some extent, selfish?  Do as I say not as I do?  A little guilt is good for a relationship, it keeps one humble.  A lot of guilt, on the other hand, keeps one looking over their shoulder, especially if your death would be more beneficial to them than loss.  Just saying.

“The majority of us lead quiet, unheralded lives as we pass through this world. There will most likely be no ticker-tape parades for us, no monuments created in our honor. But that does not lessen our possible impact, for there are scores of people waiting for someone just like us to come along; people who will appreciate our compassion, our unique talents. Someone who will live a happier life merely because we took the time to share what we had to give. Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have a potential to turn a life around. It’s overwhelming to consider the continuous opportunities there are to make our love felt.”

Editor's Note

(Re: disclaimer cum "get out of jail free" card)

Before you go getting your panties in a bunch, it is essential to understand that this is just an opinion site and, as such, can be subjected to scrutiny by anyone with a differing opinion. It doesn't make either opinion any more right or wrong than the other. An opinion, presented in this context, is a way of inciting others to think and, hopefully, to form opinions of their own, if they haven't already done so. This is also why, occasionally, I will present an "opinion" just to stir an emotional pot. Where it may sound like I agree with the statements made, I'm more interested in getting others to consider an alternate viewpoint. 

It is my fervent hope that we keep open and active minds when reading opinions and while engaging in peaceful and constructive discussion, in an arena of mutual respect, concerning those opinions put forth. After over twenty years with military intelligence, I have come to believe engaging each other in this manner and in this arena is the way we will learn tolerance and respect for differing beliefs, cultures, and viewpoints.

We all fall from grace, some more often than others; it is part of being human. God's test for us is what we learn from the experience, and what we do afterward.

Pastor Tony spent 22 years with the United States Air Force Intelligence as a planner, analyst, briefer, instructor, and senior manager. He spent 17 years, following his service career, working with the premier, world-renowned, Institutional Review Board helping to protect the rights of human subjects involved in pharmaceutical research. Ordained 1n 2013 as an "interfaith" minister, he founded the Congregation for Religious Tolerance in response to intolerance shown by Christians toward peaceful Islam. As the weapon for his war on intolerance he chose the pen, and wages his "battle" in the guise of the Congregation's official online blog, The Path, of which he is both author and editor. "The Path" offers a vehicle for commentary and guidance concerning one's own personal, spiritual, path toward peace and the final destination for us all. He currently resides in Pass Christian, Mississippi, where he volunteers as lead Chaplain and Chaplain Program Liaison, at the regional medical center.