Misery Loves Company?

"Oftentimes, when people are miserable, they will want to make other people miserable, too. But it never helps."

-- Lemony Snicket, author, musician

Over the years I have received my fair share of mail bemoaning one's misery.  My only response to these poor souls is to stop being miserable.  It isn't that I don't care; it's simply that my point of reference for their attitude was left so many years behind me that I remember little of it.  When faced with even the possibility of misery, I immediately work to change my circumstances.  I just don't want to entertain misery in my life.  There is no point to it, other than begetting more misery.

I have found that many people who contact me aren't really interested in any advice or comfort.  Rather, they seem more interested in using my shoulder to bleed all over, and this is fine.  I've developed broad shoulders, so there's plenty of virtual canvas to cover.  One aspect of being a pastor is to listen to the woes of others, and then give some much sought after constructive advice on changing their circumstance.

Unfortunately, there are those who are content to wallow in their pit of misery and despair.  More unfortunate, though, is when they insist on dragging others into the pit with them.  Oh, hell no!  These cherished few seem taken aback when I refuse to feed the drama they proffer with platitudes in what we both know will be a never-ending exercise in futility.  This is my preferred tact:  You bleed, I listen, I feel your pain, I offer advice, now you have a decision to make; either I'm refusing to buy into the misery, I'm full of shit, or I really have something to offer, to consider.  Nobody can teach someone else anything, all we can do is mentor, open another door to possibilities, offer up what we think we know.  Making the choice to take action is up to each individual.  Only you can make the conscious choice to change your circumstances.

"Some people are so addicted to their misery that they will destroy anything that gets in the way of their fix."

-- Bryant McGill, author, activist

The best advice I can give people living in what they think of as "constant misery" is to change their attitude.  Easy, right?  This is exactly what they don't want to hear, but it is exactly what they need to understand and embrace.  Nothing permanent happens without an impetus for change, and that impetus must come from the person wanting change or all is for naught.  No one else can walk your path for you.  Others people can mentor you in a more constructive direction, but it is up to you to embrace the advice, implement change and learn to walk your own path.

Our misery may be one lesson or it may be comprised of many.  These are lessons we have laid in front of ourselves, or others have placed in front of us for any number of reasons or, perhaps, for no reason at all.  We can worry over them, go around them, or work on them, as each situation dictates.  For myself, when a lesson crops up multiple times, I've already been there and done that; I simply let it go.  I have so much more to occupy my time than letting unnecessary drama into my life.

"We generally fancy ourselves more miserable than we are, for want of taking a true estimate of things; wherefore we fly into transports without reason, and judge of the happiness or calamity of human life, by false lights."

-- Wellins Calcott (1726-1779), author

Unnecessary drama is something we have control over.  Necessary drama, on the other hand, is drama over which we have no control and cannot escape without being totally heartless assholes.  For instance, when my father recently died, that was drama I could do nothing about.  It was a family drama, one which I expected, sooner or later, and drama I was more than willing to accept for the sake of my mother.  It is what a son does, and I am fine with that.  No harm, no foul.  This is drama I will work through to its ultimate conclusion, and learn much from in preparation for my own inescapable demise.

"Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief."

-- C. S. Lewis (1898-1963), author, theologian, academician

Unnecessary drama is that which we, usually, invite upon ourselves.  We wallow in the misery of it because, generally, we don't understand it or know how to deal with it.  We may not be willing not to just walk away from it, for reasons which escape us.  Perhaps we have become perpetually miserable and see no reason to change our masochistic tendency?  Unnecessary drama is drama best left alone.  Shake your head at the insanity of it, smile knowingly, and simply walk away from it.  If walking away doesn't work, try running.  Life is much too short for this kind of bullshit.

"I've learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our disposition and not on our circumstances."

-- Martha Washington (1731-1802), inaugural First lady of the U.S.

Our desire for happiness is all about our attitude.  It is about how we approach life and the good decisions we make.  It is recognizing bad decisions for what they are and knowing how to change the circumstances we have cause ourselves by agreeing to buy into the decision.

"Happy people find a way to live with their problems, and miserable people let their problems stop them from living."

-- Sonya Parker, actress, author

Are there repercussions to bad decisions?  Absolutely.  Will it take work to overcome the circumstances and change them for the better?  Absolutely.  It is called life, learn to deal with it.  Understand it is just another series of lessons we need to learn, another series of tasks to be accomplished, and smile at the countless opportunities to accel in your life.  The more we learn about anything, the easier anything becomes.  Change is the only universal constant, so it might be better for all concerned if we learn to make the best changes possible.

Don't spend so much time concerned about those things in your life which cause you grief.  Better to be wrapped up in those things which cause you to smile and be happy.  The glass isn't half empty, it's almost full.  Stop looking for the negative and start looking for the positive. If it's possible, let everything else go.  Try putting all your effort into making yourself happy.  Start by deciding to change your life for the better.   If nothing else, start each day by smiling.  

Start now.

"Miserable people focus on the things they hate about their life. Happy people focus on the things they love about their life."

-- Sonya Parker, actress, author

Editor's Note

(Re: disclaimer cum "get out of jail free" card)

Before you go getting your panties in a bunch, it is essential to understand that this is just an opinion site and, as such, can be subjected to scrutiny by anyone with a differing opinion. It doesn't make either opinion any more right or wrong than the other. An opinion, presented in this context, is a way of inciting others to think and, hopefully, to form opinions of their own, if they haven't already done so. This is also why, occasionally, I will present an "opinion" just to stir an emotional pot. Where it may sound like I agree with the statements made, I'm more interested in getting others to consider an alternate viewpoint. 

It is my fervent hope that we keep open and active minds when reading opinions and while engaging in peaceful and constructive discussion, in an arena of mutual respect, concerning those opinions put forth. After over twenty years with military intelligence, I have come to believe engaging each other in this manner and in this arena is the way we will learn tolerance and respect for differing beliefs, cultures, and viewpoints.

We all fall from grace, some more often than others; it is part of being human. God's test for us is what we learn from the experience, and what we do afterward.

Pastor Tony spent 22 years with United States Air Force Intelligence as a planner, analyst, briefer, instructor, and senior manager. He spent 17 years, following his service career, working with the premier, world renowned, Institutional Review Board helping to protect the rights of human subjects involved in pharmaceutical research. Ordained 1n 2013 as an "interfaith" minister, he founded the Congregation for Religious Tolerance in response to intolerance shown by Christians toward peaceful Islam. As the weapon for his war on intolerance he chose the pen, and wages his "battle" in the guise of the Congregation's official online blog, The Path, of which he is both author and editor. "The Path" offers a vehicle for commentary and guidance concerning one's own personal, spiritual, path toward peace and the final destination for us all. He currently resides in Pass Christian, Mississippi, where he volunteers as lead Chaplain and Chaplain Program Liaison, at the regional medical center.