Life Becomes Easier

"Life becomes easier when you learn to accept the apology you never got."

-- Robert Brault, freelance writer

Oh, I so identify with this.  Many of us have experienced wanting "the apology you never got."  We tend to let it go because the offense wasn't really worth dwelling over.  Often times, not getting an apology was everything we expected from the person owing us one, and it speaks volumes about who they are.  All we should do is simply shake our heads and move on.  But, for a few of us, the offense was life-shattering.  This experience we suffer is perpetrated by a person who goes out of their way to destroy everything you hold dear, to turn your life inside out, and then just walk away as they've completed what they set out to do.  No apology is given, and none was really ever expected.  This is who they are and you are left to wonder what you ever saw in them and why you ever loved them.  They left you with nothing but a pit of misery to wallow in abject hatred for them.  Hey, but that's life, right?

“Keep in mind, hurting people often hurt other people as a result of their own pain. If somebody is rude and inconsiderate, you can almost be certain that they have some unresolved issues inside. They have some major problems, anger, resentment, or some heartache they are trying to cope with or overcome. The last thing they need is for you to make matters worse by responding angrily.”

-- Joel Osteen, pastor, televangelist, author

For me, I couldn't wait for the person to die just so I could go to the cemetery and piss on the fresh grave, so great was my hatred.  I carried this destructive emotion on my back and joked about it for many years and, in reality, by doing so I allowed the pain to continue and consume me.  Destructive emotions are like that.  Mine kept me alive by putting me in a personal hell just so I could continue to hate.  How sad is that, to punish one's self in order to punish someone who might never know they're being punished by someone they'll go to their grave not giving a damn about?  Again, destructive emotions are like that.  

Would an apology have helped?  Maybe.  It would have shocked me more than anything, though, coming from someone who never apologized, to me, for anything.  Why did it all happen?  I allowed it to happen.  It was ultimately my fault forever letting this person get close to me, to begin with.  And, more importantly, it was my fault for allowing it to go on until I had accumulated so much love and life for them to take away from me.  Fifteen years after my destruction, fifteen years of letting the hatred eat at me, I finally learned to let it all go.  I accepted the apology, the apology I knew I was never going to get, by forgiving the person for who they are and their part in what happened.  I also recognized my large role in what took place... and forgave myself.

“Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.”

-- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900), poet, playwright

Life does, in fact, become easier if you can learn to accept apologies, especially those you never get, and if you can learn to forgive others for their trespasses, even if they aren't aware you have forgiven them.  Life becomes even easier if you learn not to have expectations and if you learn not to worry over things, or people, for which you have little or no control.  I have learned that if you lose control, or find you never had control, it's better to end whatever you're involved in as soon as you realize all hope of salvaging the situation is lost.  Don't invest your entire life giving mouth to mouth resuscitation to a dead horse in a dry desert.  You'll end up standing over the desiccated carcass with a bad taste in your mouth and no water, while a stranger rides off into the sunset with everything you hold dear... and your canteen.  When the ship is sinking and there's no hope of saving it, grab the good memories and abandon ship so you're alive to salvage what you can later, and move on.  If there aren't any good memories and the ship wasn't that seaworthy, then it's really not that great of a loss anyway.  It is what it is and little will be made better by being angry about it.

True forgiveness is when you can say, "Thank you for that experience.”

-- Oprah Winfrey, executive, philanthropist, actress

Life is full of lessons.  Some are painful, and they become more painful because we make them so.  One has to wonder if the lesson is all about the pain or, perhaps, about letting go?  Well, I still make mistakes.  I try to recognize my mistakes early, learn from them, and move on.  When I finally forgave who I hated, I remembered why I loved them, and I learned to love them again.  They don't know I love them, they probably don't want to, and I think they probably wouldn't care.  It really doesn't matter to me.  I have gained a great capacity for pity, but life became easier when I learned to focus on being happy and on not being responsible for someone else's happiness.  If you want to hop on my "happiness" train you must have no expectations, keep your drama to yourself, and know that I reserve the right to eject your miserable ass as soon as possible and for cause, when said causality is found to seriously impede the happiness fueling the train.

Life becomes easier when you learn to let life's bullshit, things, events, and people, slip through your fingers like so much sand.  Learn the lessons and let them go, and let them go as soon as possible.  Don't waste a lot of precious time worrying or being angry.  Nothing is really more important than being happy.  Focus on that happiness.  There is too much life to live, and not much time to live it.  

Oh, and learn to love, even those you have no reason to.  The fact that they can't or won't reciprocate is their loss; don't let it be yours.

“Throughout life people will make you mad,

disrespect you and treat you bad. 

Let God deal with the things they do,

cause hate in your heart will consume you too.”

-- Will Smith, actor, rapper

Editor's Note

(Re: disclaimer cum "get out of jail free" card)

Before you go getting your panties in a bunch, it is essential to understand that this is just an opinion site and, as such, can be subjected to scrutiny by anyone with a differing opinion. It doesn't make either opinion any more right or wrong than the other. An opinion, presented in this context, is a way of inciting others to think and, hopefully, to form opinions of their own, if they haven't already done so. This is also why, occasionally, I will present an "opinion" just to stir an emotional pot. Where it may sound like I agree with the statements made, I'm more interested in getting others to consider an alternate viewpoint. 

It is my fervent hope that we keep open and active minds when reading opinions and while engaging in peaceful and constructive discussion, in an arena of mutual respect, concerning those opinions put forth. After over twenty years with military intelligence, I have come to believe engaging each other in this manner and in this arena is the way we will learn tolerance and respect for differing beliefs, cultures, and viewpoints.

We all fall from grace, some more often than others; it is part of being human. God's test for us is what we learn from the experience, and what we do afterward.

Pastor Tony spent 22 years with United States Air Force Intelligence as a planner, analyst, briefer, instructor, and senior manager. He spent 17 years, following his service career, working with the premier, world renowned, Institutional Review Board helping to protect the rights of human subjects involved in pharmaceutical research. Ordained 1n 2013 as an "interfaith" minister, he founded the Congregation for Religious Tolerance in response to intolerance shown by Christians toward peaceful Islam. As the weapon for his war on intolerance he chose the pen, and wages his "battle" in the guise of the Congregation's official online blog, The Path, of which he is both author and editor. "The Path" offers a vehicle for commentary and guidance concerning one's own personal, spiritual, path toward peace and the final destination for us all. He currently resides in Pass Christian, Mississippi, where he volunteers as lead Chaplain and Chaplain Program Liaison, at the regional medical center.