My Sunday Thought for Father's Day: Thank You for Being a Mentor!

"I watched a small man with thick calluses on both hands work fifteen and sixteen hours a day. I saw him once literally bleed from the bottoms of his feet, a man who came here uneducated, alone, unable to speak the language, who taught me all I needed to know about faith and hard work by the simple eloquence of his example."

-- Mario Cuomo (1932-2015), 52nd Governor of New York

There is more to being a father than simply adding your genes to the biologic stew which will create a new life.  Most civilizations, societies, and religions, including the all three Abrahamic religions, have dictated there is a moral responsibility for the father to take ownership of the child to ensure the progeny, though born without sin, can weather those situations where sin might become a choice.  Although born without sin, children are born with this ability to choose sin, and a father must be vigilant and ever present to teach the child how to make the right choices so as to ensure the child's survival and ultimate salvation.  

At times this "moral responsibility" is, culturally, taken to extremes which seem harsh or cruel instead of loving and tolerant.  Fortunately we live in a western culture which protects our young people with government and laws which prevent abuse.  Unfortunately these protections have grown into a nightmare which prevents, or at least discourages, a great deal of needed parenting from parents that couldn't give a damn, one way or another, and welcome any government intervention which would take the onus of responsibility, for said youth, off of them and saddle the taxpayer with the historic issues which keep getting swept under the already lumpy carpet.  Just saying...  

In today's world of parenting it is not so much about the survival of the fittest as it is about the survival of the intelligent.  We can be taught stupid, we can teach stupid, and God can remove stupid by allowing stupid to continue making questionable decisions unabated.  For gang bangers and criminals, free climbers and BASE jumpers, dopers, race car drivers and the like, it is simply a matter of time before jumping out of God's perfectly good aircraft catches up to them.  If one ignores the close calls - those warnings that life is worth living, the last thing to go through their mind might be the rocks below or a police bullet.  Father's exist to ensure kids have a fighting chance at, if they listen to nothing else, salvation.

Whoever does not have a good father should procure one.

-- Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900), philosopher

But what do you do if you don't have a father?  What if your father died or has abandoned the family?  What if there has been a divorce and the father, due to overwhelming circumstances, does not have the opportunities of fatherhood which they might want?  Death notwithstanding, lack of parenting is an unfortunate trend in this country.  Parents find themselves caught up in making ends meet and their priorities get skewed to the point where children take a back seat to less important issues.  This is, of course, providing both parents were mature and responsible enough to hang around or at least try to make a conscious effort to parent if they are separated from the child.  What does a young person do when parents, in particular the father, has abandoned them or simply is not around? 

When one has not had a good father, one must create one.

-- Friedrich Nietzsche

 (1844-1900), philosopher

Most people that were raised by great fathers will testify that a father is always a father, whether it is to his children or someone else's.  A good father will easily make time to mentor, or give advice to, any young person who asks.  A good father loves to father; to teach, protect, and nurture. For many young folks, a mentor is a close to a father as they may ever get.  This is why the onus is on the mentor to be at their very best when it comes to mature advice, concern, and friendship.  The love of a father will shine through.

A mentor, like a good father, is more than a good role model.  A mentor is also a friend, coach, supporter, motivator, advocate, and a terrific listener.  This last can be tough one for us men, as we really suck at listening; ask any woman.

If you don't have a good role model in your immediate family, try simply looking around you in your extended family, a friend's parent, a teacher or even a police officer, doctor, or fireman.  The point is, there are many good parents out there to ask advice from, so there should be no excuse for not having a good role model.  For those folks wishing to do the right thing by the child, it would pay dividends to ensure you check with the custodial parent first, even if you're close family, before talking with the child.  The mother may take this proffered assistance with much gratitude, and you may want to include her in the discussion.  If she says no, the child suffers but the decision is made and parents rule - time to back away with apologies (I'd leave a bug in the parent's ear that, if the parent has a change of heart, please don't hesitate to call).

For those young people lucky enough to have found a caring family member, friend, or mentor, to replace the missing parent, I wholeheartedly recommend thanking the individual you credit with giving sage advice in your time of need.  If it happens to be a man, or a father, Father's Day might be an opportune time to show them your appreciation for being there.  It will make you both feel good.

A young woman, a friend very dear to my heart, recently informed me I was instrumental in her becoming the woman she has grown into.  I had no idea she felt this way.  The unexpected comment took me aback, just before I teared up.  Luckily she has actually grown into a woman any good father would be proud of, and thank God (whew!).  I was humbled by her gift of praise for what I, in equal humility, considered no big deal on my part, but it does evidenced that even the smallest of things we say can have tremendous impact on the lives of others.  If someone has changed your life for the better, parent or not, please let them know how you feel; it just might change theirs.

“I believe that what we become depends on what our fathers teach us at odd moments, when they aren't trying to teach us. We are formed by little scraps of wisdom.”

-- Umberto Eco, "Foucault's Pendulum"

I've been lucky to have a good father in my life, a reflection of everything good I have stated above.  True, we have found ourselves at odds, numerous times, and even recently.  We have always managed to find some common understanding to our issues.  He has been my mentor on numerous issues throughout my life, and will continue to be, I can only hope, into the future... and beyond.  I think we both recognize the fact that I am much like him in speaking my own mind, my honesty and unyielding determination to be right, especially when I know I'm right (one can see, in this, why we have to find common ground on stuff), and, of course, in my extreme humility.  I cannot imagine what my life would have been like without his sage guidance, patriotism, and love, except to say jail time might have been one alternative.

To my dear father, Dom, and all the other fathers who embrace their responsibility to be more than just the title, I wish you all a heartfelt, Happy Father's Day!

Give me the lamp, dad; it's my turn to take point for a bit.

The heart of a father is the masterpiece of nature.

-- Antoine-François, Abbé Prévost d’Exiles (1697-1763), author and novelist

Editor's Note 

(re: disclaimer cum "get out of jail free" card) 

Before you go getting your panties in a bunch, it is essential to understand that this is just an opinion site and, as such, can be subjected to scrutiny by anyone with a differing opinion. It doesn't make either opinion any more right or wrong than the other. An opinion, presented in this context, is a way of inciting others to think and, hopefully, to form opinions of their own, if they haven't already done so. This is also why, occasionally, I will present an "opinion" just to stir an emotional pot. Where it may sound like I agree with the statements made, I'm more interested in getting others to consider another viewpoint. 

It is my fervent hope that we keep open and active minds when reading opinions and then engaging in peaceful, constructive, discussion in an arena of mutual respect concerning the opinions put forth. After over twenty years with military intelligence, I have come to believe engaging each other in this manner and in this arena is the way we will learn tolerance and respect for differing beliefs, cultures, and viewpoints.

We all fall from grace, some more often than others; it is part of being human. God's test for us is what we do afterward, and what we learn from the experience.

Pastor Tony spent 22 years with Air Force Intelligence as a planner, analyst, briefer, and instructor. He is founder of the Congregation for Religious Tolerance and author/editor of the Congregation's official blog site, "The Path," which offers a vehicle for commentary and guidance concerning one's own personal, spiritual, path toward peace and the final destination.