On Love... Just a Thought, or Two

When I was just a child, I was fortunate to have the experience of animals, in particular, cats and dogs. There is something about the love of an animal that prepares you for the love of people, and teaches you a love of self. Of course, this is something we experience as a child, and immediately forget when we are thrown into the trash compactor of societal reality where we must put "childish ways" behind us. 

Many of us might recognize this verse from 1 Corinthians 13:11-13. I always thought I knew what it meant; now I'm not so sure. I think it might be a slam on our forgetting the innocence God endowed us with as children.

"When I was a child, my speech, feelings, and thinking were all those of a child; now that I am an adult, I have no more use for childish ways. What we see now is like a dim image in a mirror; then we shall see face-to-face. What I know now is only partial; then it will be complete - as complete as God's knowledge of me. Meanwhile these three remain: faith, hope, and love; and the greatest of these is love."

When we think about what the rest of scripture tells us, the larger picture if you will, innocence shall inherit the earth. "When I was a child, my speech, feelings, and thinking were all those of a child," and how much more innocent is that? Yet, as we become adults, we "grow up" and "have no more use for childish ways." Society, since before the days of Christ, has browbeaten the innocence out of us to make room for the big bear of guilt and sin that is everything we have come to expect from adulthood. It is no wonder "what we see now is like a dim image in a mirror."  Who is the person staring back at us, and do they seem happy with what they see? Do we all use the same mirror? Do we use our reflection to judge others?

"What I know now is only partial; then it will be complete - as complete as God's knowledge of me." So, assuming we have attained the Kingdom of Heaven when we die, we can expect to have the knowledge of the universe? With everything we have done, or not done, in our short lives, of which God has complete knowledge of, we still expect God to give us carte blanche with universal knowledge, the knowledge of everything? The verse admits, and rightly so, we know little of anything. It is no wonder we have faith in God and hope the Almighty will clue us in down the road - after death.

Maybe it would have been better to hold onto those innocent trappings of our childhood or, at the very least, continue to question whether this letter, allegedly penned around 54 A.D., to the church of God at Corinth, should be ascribed to Paul the Apostle.  He wasn't, after all, one of the Twelve Apostles of Christ.  If he is the author of this, and the other 13 of the 27 books of the New Testament, should we not remember he was born five years after the death of Christ?  Doesn't this make the entire Bible suspect, or is it a matter of faith?

I suppose I have digressed.

Once we have faith, and we have vested ourselves in hope, there is only one tangible we are truly left with - love. Love is an emotion we can vest ourselves in for the present. Faith and hope are only involved if we are uncertain of another's feeling toward us; if we are uncertain the love we feel toward another is equally reciprocated.  If we are uncertain of love, is it love?

“Sometimes it’s a form of love just to talk to somebody that you have nothing in common with and still be fascinated by their presence.”

-- David Byrne

What we tend to ignore is that love does not have to be equally reciprocated; hell, it doesn't have to be returned to us in kind at all. There are so many degrees, definitions, of love, it oft times seems to require a university doctorate just to make sense of it all. I think this general lack of understanding might be the root of all broken hearts. Author Anaïs Nin (1903-1977) explains loss of love thus:

“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.”

I offer that Ms. Nin might be wrong. I offer that she, like most of us, did not understand the emotion at all. Personally, I don't think true love dies. I think she is right that many of us don't know how to replenish its source and that it definitely suffers from our blindness, errors, betrayals, illness and wounds. I also think she hits the nail on the head when she indicates that all or any of these failings can cause love to wither, tarnish, and grow wearisome.

But we need to keep our eye on the ball here. The first thing we need to understand and admit is that true love never dies. The love that can be turned off, like a switch, was never really love at all. This seems to be a game people play, by accident or design, which hurts those around them.  There are some people I dislike, possibly even hate, for what I allowed them to put me through.  I thought they loved me, even though it was clear, even to all around me, this was not the case.  After all was said and done, I still love them, because that is who I am.  Am I stupid?  Maybe, but I feel our capacity to love, even these few, is a reflection of our character and of who we are.  Do you trifle with other people's emotions, play games with their feelings, use them for your own selfish ends, or are you a person of good character?  If you have good character, you cannot turn love off.

Some say my love is like chalk;
I can write it on and erase it
Whenever I choose.
Well, they're wrong.
I use crayons.

 So, if your love is true, but your partner leaves anyway, I think there are several, fairly obvious, conclusions. Love is not at fault, people are. Who, then, is at fault for the failing? Maybe both of you; people make mistakes. If the love you both have defined together is solid, then you will work your way through these failings together. If it isn't solid, then perhaps your definition of the love you feel toward one another was in error. This doesn't mean love dies; it simply changes, possibly into what it should have been in the first place - a close, loving, friendship that will last a lifetime.  But this will require both parties to own their failings and work together toward a better outcome.

“Sometimes love means letting go when you want to hold on tighter.”

-- Melissa Marr

Relationships fall apart constantly, and everyone involved is at fault. Each party needs to accept their piece of the blame. If you feel you did nothing wrong, you might need to ask yourself why you allowed this person to hurt you. Knowingly, or not, you allowed this person to be responsible for some aspect of your happiness. Their mistake may have been in accepting that responsibility. They might be able to make you happy just by being around them, but they are never responsible for you being happy, only you can own this. Owning your own happiness is a primary failing for most of us, owning this failing is another.  If we are not capable of owning our failures, we risk being left, alone on the dock, when the love boat sails.

"Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into friend."

-- Martin Luther King

Love does not always transform an enemy into a friend. Let's face it, what are the chances the insane, heretical, sociopathic, murderers that are ISIS will be won over by our love for them? That just won't happen. I struggled with my marriage for years, but when you're up against forces bent on total destruction, and you are too stupid to recognize it, sometimes failure is inevitable and you find yourself living an uneasy peace. After a while, the dust of the financial and emotional devastation, caused by the divorce bomb, clears. It took me years after the messy divorce to realize I never stopped loving her. Oh, I have disliked her for all she put our family through, until she apologizes for her part, I probably always will.  But how do you stop loving someone you invested over 20 years of your life in, your spouse and the parent of your children? They might find it easy to stop loving, and this would be their failing. It doesn't have to be yours. I constantly tell my children to wish her well for me.  I don't have to like her to love her, and this is a lesson few of us understand.

It is said, we are communal creatures. We require each other to exist. If anything can wither and die it might be our spirit, without the support and love of those around us. Hopefully we are able to surround ourselves with friends and family - loved ones all. We do this, thinking we understand what our emotions are telling us. Hopefully we are intelligent enough not to let our emotions betray us. Above all else, we need to understand that whether we succeed in life or not, our failings are our own, no one else's. To try and not fail requires that we start with a firm foundation of knowing who we are, the limits of our capabilities, and when to ask for help from those we love. But, knowing yourself begins with loving yourself. We might discover that loving ourselves requires a bit of that biblical faith and hope.

"You are worthy of love...

You deserve to know a deep, world-spinning love that transcends life.

But, most importantly, you owe yourself real love

that smile back at you from the mirror."

-- Nicole Carpenter

Editor's Note 

(re: disclaimer cum "get out of jail free" card) 

Before you go getting your panties in a bunch, it is essential to understand that this is just an opinion site and, as such, can be subjected to scrutiny by anyone with a differing opinion. It doesn't make either opinion any more right or wrong than the other. An opinion, presented in this context, is a way of inciting others to think and, hopefully, to form opinions of their own, if they haven't already done so.

It is my fervent hope that we keep open and active minds when reading opinions and then engaging in peaceful, constructive, discussion and debate in an arena of mutual respect concerning the opinions put forth. After over twenty years as a military intelligence analyst, planner, and briefer, I have come to believe engaging each other in this manner and in this arena is the way we will learn tolerance and respect for differing beliefs, cultures, and viewpoints.

We all fall from grace, some more often than others; it is part of being human. God's test for us is what we do afterward, and what we learn from the experience.

Frank Anthony Villari (aka, Pastor Tony)

Pastor Tony is founder of the Congregation for Religious Tolerance and author/editor of the Congregation's official blog site, "The Path."