My Sunday Thought for July 12, 2015: Dealing with Leftovers

“Part of the problem with the word 'disabilities' is that it immediately suggests an inability to see or hear or walk or do other things that many of us take for granted. But what of people who can't feel? Or talk about their feelings? Or manage their feelings in constructive ways? What of people who aren't able to form close and strong relationships? And people who cannot find fulfillment in their lives, or those who have lost hope, who live in disappointment and bitterness and find in life no joy, no love? These, it seems to me, are the real disabilities.”

-- Fred Rogers, "The World According to Mister Rogers: Important Things to Remember"

Bad things that happen to us, things we find difficult to deal with, so difficult that we tend to pack them away, like the leftovers of a less than palatable turkey at Thanksgiving.  It would be nice if we could just forget about it, throw it out, but we invested a bit of time, money and effort in it.  It sits in the back of the icebox of our mind until it becomes another freezer burned science experiment, a possible thesis for a doctorate bound psychology major that loves his mother, and not in the nice way.  The young Joe Bag O'Doughnuts cum Hannibal Lecter we bleed our inner soul out to while relaxing on the analyst's couch while they draw doodles on their notepad and hope their own secret voices remain silent during your session.  I think I'd rather go home and watch reruns of Mr. Rogers Neighborhood.  Analysts give me the creeps.  And to think, I was studying to be one before the draft forced me into military intelligence where I could do some really meaningful damage.

I received the following email from one of my readers, a good friend, and I asked if she would mind if I share it with you:

"I see you've been short of topics.....how about dealing with "left overs?" You know, left over "unsaid words", "emotions", "thoughts", "feelings." Those "left overs." Coping with those unresolved issues of the past. How do we "right our wrongs?" And what if they are the "sins of the Father?" Or in my case, the "sins of the Mother." Forgive, yes. Forget???? People don't. But they expect others to. WTF?? What right do we have to tell anyone to forgive and forget anything in their lives, anything that happened to them, or anything that they may have done? 

Everyone feels the need to be offended by something these days, well I'm offended that anyone should actually say the words to me, "forgive and forget is the best way in life." Forgiveness is not a necessary requirement to recover a state of emotional well being. It's important, yes, but not required. Just like the AA Big Book says something about being rigorously honest, some people can't be, they're just born that way. Well, some people can't forgive, they're just born that way. So forgiveness is not a requirement, but forget? To "forget" anything that happened in your life is to discount your life. It says to me that, hey, you're not really real or worth much, so just forget about you and 'whatever' in your life. UGH, that's discounting and will NEVER lead to a healthy mind, spirit, or body. And I'm worthy. So screw your forgetfulness!

Psychologically, I know the answer to all of this. (Yes.....I know not to ask a question I already know the answer to, but thank you for pointing that out, yet AGAIN.)  I'm just musing.....and venting, processing, and with God's grace, healing.

My "other" mother passed away Thursday. We buried her yesterday. It's been a very long weekend. I got home last night about midnight. I was reminded by a family member during visitation that Granny had some "pretty unhappy and tough times" in her life too. Yes, I know, (head hung). I am the daughter of the woman who created Granny's "unhappy and tough times." [sins of the mother] While I know fully that my mother's sins are hers, not my cross to bear, not my sin to repent or ask forgiveness for.....nonetheless, it was my mother who caused this lovely woman pain and suffering through the years, and therefore it feels like some of it got rubbed off on me. (we're not talking gossip....we're talking accusations of theft, IRS issues, some serious crap) I stood there, knowing the family member was looking at me, and remembering what my MOTHER had done and it felt like SHIT. 

 Add insult to injury, an old family friend came in....and yep...you got it....he asked me, "how's your Momma and Daddy?" To which I replied "well, my daddy died 52 years ago, and I couldn't tell you about my momma." (OH, you mean Chuck? The pedophile who sexually abused me from the age of 5 or 6 until I was 17 years old? THAT "daddy?" Thought.....not said, as it was NOT the appropriate time or place). But this family friend couldn't stop himself, when I walked to the corner to look at pictures, he walked up to me, placed his hand on my back and tells me, "Forgive and forget is the best way in life." And then he turned around and left. 

The man who told me this is the son of the doctor who delivered me at birth. Now.....it's not HIS fault that he is ignorant of the situation. We didn't take a billboard out saying HEY EVERYONE, CHUCK SODOMIZED HIS ADOPTED DAUGHTER FOR 11 YEARS. No. As a matter of fact, back in my day, incest was taboo. NO ONE spoke of it, or the perpetrators, or the victims. Only when Oprah introduced her story did it begin to become somewhat public. It's still so ugly that no one likes hearing about it, not really. They may know, but for heaven's sake, don't make them talk about it. Silence........a pedophile's best weapon. 

 Well you know what happened in my head? CHICKEN SHIT....let's take this outside and I'll TELL you what's the best way in life! The best way is to OUT EVERY CHILD MOLESTER AND PREDATOR ON THE PLANET. Castrate them ALL, and make them dig sewers because they are lower than shit human beings. And then reconcile all of this in the words and deeds of Christ. (I don't expect to accomplish this in my lifetime.) 

So, clearly, there are leftovers in life. I am a survivor, praying for peace and healing. Any words from the religious tolerance side? 

The thing about people saying forgive and forget is best, is this....what if they are simply ignorant of the situation? (ignorance - lacking knowledge or awareness)"

Whoa!  I always know when she's having a moment the second I glance at her email.  If it's more than one short paragraph, put on your Kevlar vest and watch out for shrapnel.  She and I have discussed her "issues" many times when she has felt lost and in need of a light, a possible direction back to her path.  To be honest, I was actually thinking she shouldn't be asking questions she already knows the answers to, and had to laugh when I read this part.  She also knows me pretty well, or at least my snappy repartee.

Me commenting on what she ought to do would be like a Catholic priest giving advice on marriage or child rearing; no amount higher education is a substitute for firsthand experience.  I have no point of reference from which to draw opinion or advice.  Simply from her writing, I fully expect this bitterness, hatred, and anger will remain with her for the rest of her life.  I suppose my only humble advice would be to pack it away in some deep recess of your mind and try to get on with life.  I wouldn't let assholes get under your skin.  A simple statement to not discuss things for which they have no clue, and to please pay more attention to their own less than laudable lives, might be appropriate.

We all have leftovers in our lives; things that have happened which we wish hadn't, things we wish we could do over, do better, or not do at all.  My own mental freezer is packed full of this less than palatable crap.  It all languishes there to rot, fester, and be at the ready should I find need to use some portion of it to pack my verbal cannon with prior to blasting some moron for their insensitivity or other such selfish reason.  The truth is, I would rather just clean out the freezer an stock it with beer and brats, or some lasagna that would go much better between two slices of sourdough slathered with mayo.  I don't really need this other useless crap cluttering up my world view and my personal relationships.  Life is just too damned short.

I wish for you, all of you, peace of mind. You will never forget the crap that happens, but you must learn to be at peace with it or it will consume what life you have left.  What life you have left can be so very precious if you let it.

Editor's Note 

(re: disclaimer cum "get out of jail free" card) 

Before you go getting your panties in a bunch, it is essential to understand that this is just an opinion site and, as such, can be subjected to scrutiny by anyone with a differing opinion. It doesn't make either opinion any more right or wrong than the other. An opinion, presented in this context, is a way of inciting others to think and, hopefully, to form opinions of their own, if they haven't already done so.

It is my fervent hope that we keep open and active minds when reading opinions and then engaging in peaceful, constructive, discussion and debate in an arena of mutual respect concerning the opinions put forth. After over twenty years as a military intelligence analyst, planner, and briefer, I have come to believe engaging each other in this manner and in this arena is the way we will learn tolerance and respect for differing beliefs, cultures, and viewpoints.

We all fall from grace, some more often than others; it is part of being human. God's test for us is what we do afterward, and what we learn from the experience.

Frank Anthony Villari (aka, Pastor Tony)

Pastor Tony is founder of the Congregation for Religious Tolerance and author/editor of the Congregation's official blog site, "The Path."