The Value of Family

"Ohana means family.  Family means nobody gets left behind, or forgotten."

-- Lilo Pelekai, "Lilo & Stitch" (2002)

Remember this quote from the Disney movie?  Most mothers will.  Most dad's, that take being a father seriously, might also, especially if they have a little girl.  Believe it or not, most real men are softies.  Most of us love Disney movies.  You'll find us building a deck out back while singing the soundtrack to Snow White, Beauty and the Beast, Lion King, and so many others.  Hell, when the families got together to play pinochle, the kids would watch the VHS recording of Beauty and the Beast.  We heard it so many times, my buddy and I would sing along while we played, which annoyed the wives so we considered it psychological warfare.  We almost always won big.  So, what does this have to do with "family values," you might ask.  Nothing much, its just an anecdotal part of my life.  But, for me, it is the difference between "family values" and the "value of family."

"Value is defined as the quality or worth of a thing.  To combine the words together yields a definition of:  a traditional set of social standards defined by the family and a history of customs that provide the emotional and physical basis for raising a family.  Our social values are often times reinforced by our spiritual or religious beliefs and traditions... Your family values definition consists of ideas passed down from generation to generation.  It boils down to the philosophy of how you want to live your family life."

-- Susie Duffy, "Defining Your Family Values"

I think Susie Duffy defines it pretty well.  I would expand on it by saying family values are personal, societal, and familial, ideas and expectations that guide us in how we grow and develop in our family life.  But, these are simply rules to live by.  They answer the "what" of family; those things that define what a family is and what it exists for.  Now answer my favorite question.  Why?  I had to warn myself, as I considered writing this post, that I was rapidly approaching that television series sign post up ahead warning me I was about to enter the twilight zone.  

This will probably open a Pandora's Box of differing opinion, primarily due to semantics.  If it does then I have accomplished one of my goals in writing these long winded posts, so here it goes.  Is it "why," or is it "what?"  Isn't what the family exists for, the same as why the family exists?  Don't the family values define the value of family?  I guess this would depend on how you want to define it, objectively or subjectively.  You might look at a family and see what is defined as the perfect family unit which exhibits all the characteristics defining the perfect family.  And the outward appearance might tell us exactly that, but the inside of the family unit might royally suck.  It might just be the perfect example of having a family just to have a family; fulfilling some ambiguous obligation to church, parents, or society.

The family is by nature a lifelong joining of two people, and their families, for the purpose of bringing new life into the world and raising children to be virtuous members of that family and, through it, of society. This is a demanding vision. And it does, in fact, entail the view that a whole slew of behaviors that are common today are in an important sense wrong—because they prevent the formation and flourishing of real, full families and, through them, of full lives... The point is not to pretend that we are better than one another, but to recognize and work on our failings so that we all can be better people. And families provide the natural and by far the best institution in which to do that.

-- Bruce Frohnen, "Why "Value" Families?"

Consider the quote from Bruce Frohnen, above.  Is he correct?  I think so, but you have to look beyond yesterday's morals to arrive at whether we feel "a whole slew of behaviors that are common today are in an important sense wrong," and determine just what those behaviors are.  Conservative Christians, those that seemingly forget to practicing biblical tolerance, are still condemning everyone to hell that do not conform to their standards, regardless of what their precious Romans 14:4 says about judging another master's servant.  But, then, hypocrisy seems to be one of those sins they find easy to absolve, though I always though absolution was God's purview, not man's.  

If we interpret scripture with a sense of tolerance, understanding, and love, you know, like Christ intended, I think we can redefine what today's family looks like. "The family is by nature a lifelong joining of two people, and their families, for the purpose of bringing new life into the world and raising children to be virtuous members of that family and, through it, of society." Same sex marriages are becoming the norm, and even if the majority bolsters the laws to overturn new definitions of marriage, the gay community is not going away, and tolerance for their lifestyle is spreading. Whether we agree, or not, the topic of same sex marriage will continue until they win their rights, and they will, sooner or later, win. And I would have to ask, why not?

"I get really infuriated when people ask ridiculous questions about whether gays and lesbians should be allowed to be foster parents or adopt children. What is it that heterosexual people think we do, anyway? Karen and I are normal, everyday people: we are parents; we run a business together; we are fortunate enough to have a mortgage to pay; we do laundry; we pay the bills; we've started a family support group in our area with a monthly newsletter that goes out to about six hundred gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender families and allies; we started Foster Dignity, an organization that collects suitcases, essentials, and clothing for children going into foster care; and we chaperon field trips and volunteer in our son's classroom."

-- Beth Bellavance-Grace, foster and adoptive lesbian mother

From what I understand, the numbers show that gay couples make better parents than straight ones, and there is also no proof showing gay parents raise gay children; the opposite would seem to be the case. As far as bringing "new life" into the world, there are plenty of children abandoned by straight parents that qualified gay couples would love to adopt, and I'm sure the children would rather be loved than be wards of the state. Let's get over it for their sake. As with segregation, our prejudices seem to still trip us up when it comes to reality. Black is just a skin color, Wicca are not evil witches, not all of Islam are terrorists, and gays search for Christ while Christians condemn them to hell. "The point is not to pretend that we are better than one another, but to recognize and work on our failings so that we all can be better people. And families provide the natural and by far the best institution in which to do that." I really don't think your sexual preference has a bearing on this. If anything is to be said, I think it would have to be that the gay community is better armed to deal with anything that comes at them pass that strength of character on to their children.

Family values are under attack in America.  It is no secret the male parent in poor black communities is a scarce commodity.  The crime rate in these communities, and the record of youth arrests would bear out the consequences of this lack of a good role model, or of good family values, or both.  And what is the real crime of these absentee fathers?  They lack a sense, not only of their responsibility to instill good family values, but of their responsibility to the value of family.  No one is immune to either of these crimes against family.  This infection is spreading across our nation like a plague.  We can penalize the perpetrators of this lack of responsibility, but we can't make them care, and until they care, for them, there can be no value of family.  It isn't something you are taught.  It is not an objective thing; it's more of a feeling, an emotion.

"The family is one of nature’s masterpieces."

-- George Santayana (1863-1952), poet, essayist

So, what is "value of family?"  You will know the answer to that question when you realize you can't place a value on it.  It is priceless.  Ask a child that never had a family, and then was adopted, what the value of a family is.  As you look at your parents, grandparents, teenagers, or grown sons and daughters, ask yourself how much they are worth to you.  If you can put a price on them, perhaps you need to reevaluate your own life.  If you have abandoned your child, or are a "deadbeat" mom or dad, perhaps you need to reevaluate your definition of manhood or motherhood.  "Well, I did what I thought was best," is really the best you can offer in response?  It is a sad excuse.  The price we pay for being able to place a value on family is a debt to be collected later on in life when we realize we are alone in the world because we wear our lack of respect for family like a yoke to remind everyone around us of our lack of respect for ourselves.

For those of us recognizing there is no possible value you can put on love of those around you, the value of family is having your daughter bring you the tissue box knowing you'll both be crying during those sensitive scenes in the Disney movie you just hit the start button on.  The moments are irreplaceable, as is the family.

"Family is not an important thing.  It's everything."

-- Michael J. Fox, actor

Editor's Note:  

Before you go getting your panties in a bunch, it is essential to understand that this is just an opinion site and, as such, can be subjected to scrutiny by anyone with a differing opinion.  It doesn't make either opinion any more right or wrong than the other.  An opinion, presented in this context, is a way of inciting others to think and, hopefully, to form opinions of their own, if they haven't already done so.

It is my fervent hope that we keep open and active minds when reading opinions and then engaging in peaceful, constructive, discussion and debate in an arena of mutual respect concerning the opinions put forth.  After over twenty years as a military intelligence analyst, planner, and briefer, I have come to believe engaging each other in this manner and in this arena is the way we will learn tolerance and respect for differing beliefs, cultures, and viewpoints.

We all fall from grace, some more often than others; it is part of being human.  God's test for us is what we do afterward, and what we learn from the experience.
  

Pastor Frank Anthony Villari

Pastor Tony is founder of the Congregation for Religious Tolerance and author/editor of the Congregation's official blog site, "The Path."