My Sunday Thought for January 24, 2016: Parenthood Stolen

"There’s an unexpected sadness to getting your life back. It’s like your getting laid off slowly from an equally grueling but joyful job. She’s ten now. And I’ll notice that she’ll be reading alone for an hour without getting bored and jumping on me. We used to make tents on the bed, now it’s more homework and YouTube. Sometimes she’ll go in her room for a long time and close the door. Her life is becoming hers and I’m fascinated by where it’s going to go. But it’s bittersweet that she needs me less and less."

-- Facebook - Humans of New York

What can be worse than a child losing a parent, or having a parent that is never there?  Perhaps it's being the parent and losing your rights to exercise the fact, or being a parent and not realizing the joy of parenthood until the time has passed you by.  How about when all of this pertains?  What do you say when you look in the mirror and a schmuck looks back at you?  I know the answer...

I looked in that very mirror and said, "Hi, schmuck!"

My "unexpected sadness" came after my divorce, when I got my life back at the extreme cost of giving up my rights to be a full time father to my daughter.  It wasn't the spousal support, that was just money; the obligatory child support handed over to the custodial parent to spend as they see fit.  It is a loose definition for giving money to the working ex-spouse whose spending habits may be the cause for the divorce in the first place, so any support for the child is a crap shoot.  Until the state tracks the money spent, which will never happen, I will continue to refer to this mandatory payment as "spousal support."  Personally, I think it would be in everyone's best interest to have the support money put in an account for college when the child turns 18, or for a nest egg when they turn 21. If the custodial parent wants the child, prove it.  Pay the cost to be the boss.   How many dads get meaningful child support from the working mother?  Fair is fair... just saying.  

If you really love the child, don't make it about money, make it about your love for the child.  But money is what it always seems to come down to, doesn't it?  Show me the money, honey!  People do what they are allowed to do, and I can't fault them.  We are, after all, only human, and with that curse come all the rest of  them, like lawyers and the Seven Capital Vices, or Mortal Sins, God help us.  We are bred to ignore the moral lesson of, just because you can do a thing, doesn't mean you should.  But we do, and then we leave our lives in the hands of incompetent lawyers and judges that end up hurting everyone involved, the winner, loser, and the innocent children.  In the end, no one really wins.

My divorce came at a time in a daughter's life when she needed a father the most, monetarily and emotionally.  It was a time when, as an "every two weeks" father, if you really screwed up with her you couldn't make it better until your assigned visitation weekend came around again.  Meanwhile  she could stew and learn to hate you with unintentional assistance from your estranged who might not even know there's an issue, or even care.  

Why do the courts penalize parents that actually want to be parents?  Then again, why does it seem the husband always wrong in the eyes of the court?  The courts are the ones that preach to parents about being there, yet they are the very ones responsible for ripping the children from the very people that love them.  I actually called Washington State down on this, while setting up my state mandated support payments, when they treated me like a deadbeat dad.  I threatened to sic my attorney on them if they didn't show me respect for doing the right thing.  I was accepting my responsibility and I sure as hell was going to get respect, from someone, for doing it.  This was the last time the State and I found the need to speak.

Putting all the bitterness aside is like losing your favorite, threadbare, luggage after a flight to the tropics.  Not only do you realize your luggage was embarrassing when compared to other passenger's offerings, but everything in it was out of style and inappropriate for the nude beach you found yourself frequenting.  Maybe it was time for a new Speedo... and a Rolex. 

My point is, bitterness is ugly baggage best lost, especially when children are involved.  It is hard to get shed of bitterness, I know, because it took me years.  As hard as I tried not to show it to my daughter, neither of my kids was stupid.  They knew I was bitter, and they were well aware of why, it made their young lives tough and, for all of this, I will be eternally sorry.

For the normal marriage, the quote at the beginning of this post seems pretty accurate.  For the divorced parent, with "visitation" rights, it is significantly worse, and much more painful to watch, as your children's lives flash by with numerous missing episodes.  Guilty or innocent, you are being punished by the state for however long it takes your children to reach eighteen years of age, and then you have a forced epiphany when you realize the punishment is a life term as they immediately leave for college, marriage, and lives of their own.  But, whether they need you less and less is really not as traumatic as the realization that you couldn't be there when they really needed you, all because a court made a decision without considering the psychological scarring that would occur from the pain of losing your children, watching them grow from afar, and not being there every day, not being there when they needed you, and not being an active part of their lives 24/7/365.

I'll have to research the suicide rates among divorced parents that lost everything, except for their physical life.  I wonder how many that didn't commit suicide, actually considered doing it?  

When I read the article, which I took the paragraph from, the quote, all of my emotions, from years ago, flooded back.  It wasn't that I was still bitter, that ship sailed off with my ugly luggage a while back.  No, I felt a deep loss.  I felt a loss of a fatherhood that I will never be able to recover, a part of my life that someone thoughtlessly determined I didn't deserve, so they stole it from me.  When I see or talk to my kids, both grown now and one with kids of her own, I can't help but feel they think I gave them up willingly, that I abandoned them for my own life, and that they blame me for everything.  I always fear that I wasn't a good father, because I wasn't allowed to be there for them.

I'll be the first to admit I wasn't prepared for fatherhood when my son was born, I was too young.  Then, when I thought I was finally ready to be a father for my daughter, I was found I was seriously less prepared to have the opportunity ripped away from me by someone I loved.  

It has been a long road back to normalcy, but now I consider myself lucky, fortunate, and loved again.  For years I was lost, broken, and unwilling to let myself be vulnerable, to trust... anyone, for fear of being hurt like that again.  It took me all of those years to find myself, and even now I still let very few people close, though that is changing daily even though the walls I've built will stand the test of what time I have left.  I have found my happiness again, through years of love and good friends, and this is a good thing.  Hell, I even open the gates of my mental fortress occasionally, if just to taunt inquiring minds or outright shock the unprepared.  Life is good.

So, if you encounter divorced parents with visitation rights, don't be too quick to judge.  I don't think you have to ask questions, just look into their eyes.  If there exists a hidden sadness that seems hard to penetrate, that would be the schmuck they're forced to see each morning in the mirror.  They are on a path through a psychological hell you might want no part of.  The proof will be when they see a photograph, like the one at the beginning of this post.  If their eyes moisten and their lip quivers, they are, and always have been, a loving parent.  Or, they might have just crapped their pants, but let's go with the parent thing.  

Try to be gentle.  Try to be kind.  Try, as best you can, to understand that theirs, more than likely, is a parenthood stolen.

Editor's Note 

(re: disclaimer cum "get out of jail free" card) 

Before you go getting your panties in a bunch, it is essential to understand that this is just an opinion site and, as such, can be subjected to scrutiny by anyone with a differing opinion. It doesn't make either opinion any more right or wrong than the other. An opinion, presented in this context, is a way of inciting others to think and, hopefully, to form opinions of their own, if they haven't already done so.

It is my fervent hope that we keep open and active minds when reading opinions and then engaging in peaceful, constructive, discussion in an arena of mutual respect concerning the opinions put forth. After over twenty years as a military intelligence analyst, planner, and briefer, I have come to believe engaging each other in this manner and in this arena is the way we will learn tolerance and respect for differing beliefs, cultures, and viewpoints.

We all fall from grace, some more often than others; it is part of being human. God's test for us is what we do afterward, and what we learn from the experience.

Frank Anthony Villari (aka, Pastor Tony)

Pastor Tony is founder of the Congregation for Religious Tolerance and author/editor of the Congregation's official blog site, "The Path."

Making a Difference: A Big One?

"Ever feel like you're just not making a difference? That's me right now. I know I make a difference in the lives of my family....some good, some bad. LOL But I mean making a difference in the world. I have such a HUGE passion for animals, the elderly, children, anyone or anything being mistreated, education, etc. It's like I want to fix them all. I know that's not reasonable, but there's got to be a way I can make a difference.....a big one. I'm adding that to my list of things to get started on this year! My plate is full, no doubt, but it can handle a few more things!"

-- LBB

Ever feel like you're not making a difference in the world - a big difference?  I had to think about this one, because Lori's statement, in the opening quote, gave me pause.  Her desire is, no doubt, laudable, but...damn!  "My plate is full, no doubt, but it can handle a few more things."  I think this is kind of a Chinese Food Syndrome.  I already have a full plate to eat, but I know I'll be hungry in an hour, so I'd better take more; I can do it!  An hour later you're wondering what in God's good name you were thinking as you find yourself kneeling down to pay homage to the Porcelain God of Gluttony.

Definition - My plate is full:  to have a lot of work to do or a lot of problems to deal with.  And yet, we find ourselves with this feeling of just not making a difference.  Of course the logical cure for this full plate is to take on more, right?  But, let's look at it from a different angle - reciprocity.

Reciprocity is best defined in the context of Buddhist karma - good begets good as evil begets evil.  It is a premise that our actions, good or bad, affect the future life of the individual as well as family, friends, and the community.  Taken to the extreme one might assume the old adage that one helps two, and each one of them helps two, and so on.  Or, a butterfly beating its wings in Africa causes a stampede of horses in Arizona.  If this concept is accepted, one can now ask of themselves, "How big a difference are you really making?"  How many people's lives to you affect every day in some positive way?

One person, alone, can make a reasonable difference.  One person surrounded by a large, competent staff of professionals, in control of an even larger bankroll of millions, and with a fairly narrow focus, can probably accomplish close to miracles.  For the majority of us, however, isn't it enough to make a reasonable, meaningful, difference that positively affects someone, each and every waking day?

Is it really necessary for us little folk to make a big difference?  Perhaps it is enough to make many small differences and accomplish a lasting good that will pay forward to have combined great consequences for family, friends, and community?  When we look at our already full plate, how many people have we shown charity to?  How many people have we already helped that will pay it forward?  Have we ensured our children grow up in our footsteps, to continue our work and possibly do even more than we have done?  How about our friends?  Family?  

The small differences for good we make in other's lives can be a legacy we remain ignorant of, and yet these are differences those around us will spread to the four corners of the earth.  Maybe our real issue is, we're the only ones that don't realize how much meaningful work we already do.  Perhaps it is time to stop and recognize what we have already done, instead of thinking we need to do more.  Perhaps it is time to refill our empty bucket so we can finish what is already on our overflowing plate, before we take on the rest of the world,

Looking at the evidence before us, haven't we already made a big difference?  Yeah, I think so.

Editor's Note 

(re: disclaimer cum "get out of jail free" card) 

Before you go getting your panties in a bunch, it is essential to understand that this is just an opinion site and, as such, can be subjected to scrutiny by anyone with a differing opinion. It doesn't make either opinion any more right or wrong than the other. An opinion, presented in this context, is a way of inciting others to think and, hopefully, to form opinions of their own, if they haven't already done so.

It is my fervent hope that we keep open and active minds when reading opinions and then engaging in peaceful, constructive, discussion in an arena of mutual respect concerning the opinions put forth. After over twenty years as a military intelligence analyst, planner, and briefer, I have come to believe engaging each other in this manner and in this arena is the way we will learn tolerance and respect for differing beliefs, cultures, and viewpoints.

We all fall from grace, some more often than others; it is part of being human. God's test for us is what we do afterward, and what we learn from the experience.

Frank Anthony Villari (aka, Pastor Tony)

Pastor Tony is founder of the Congregation for Religious Tolerance and author/editor of the Congregation's official blog site, "The Path."

My Sunday Thought for January 17, 2016: Pie Crust

Let us be the friends we were,

Nothing more but nothing less:

Many thrive on frugal fare

Who would perish of excess.

-- Christina Georgina Rossetti (1830-1894), from "Promises Like Pie-Crust" 

Terry just relayed that her mother used to say, the secret to a good pie crust is it should never be touched by human hands; always wear gloves when making it.  I'm not sure there's any good science in that, but most old adages are usually based on some fact long lost to us as science marches on.  

My own mother used to get her hands deep into it, and I would wait patiently for two things, a chance to snatch some of the raw dough trimming, and for her to make some baked treats, sprinkled with cinnamon and sugar, also from the leftover trimmings.  You can see my quandary.  Ultimately the toasted sugary treats won out.

I love to cook, though my baking has been limited to pies and cookies.  I used to make my own pie crust, not so much anymore.  I got lazy and used a generic, store brand crust, which got such rave reviews.  I never saw the need to bust my hump making it from scratch again.  The downside is a lack of flakiness with store-bought doughs, and without flakiness the cinnamon sugar treats are left a tad flat.

I don't think pie dough was never meant for fruit fillings.  It is said the Roman Empire brought the meat pie to Briton with them.  The British revived the dish back in the 16th Century, and it traveled to the New World to spread westward across America.

Give me a choice between a sugary, fattening, fruit pie or a warm, savory, meat pie... I will always take the latter, especially if it has both top and bottom crusts.  Even during my stint in Mexico, I looked forward to finding my basket toting vendor, selling his savory, handheld meat pies, called empanadas, on a busy corner of Manzanillo.  He would always see me coming and meat, I'm sorry, meet me halfway.  As he removed the covering cloth from basket, the aroma from the several varieties would fill the air as an enticement to purchase several.

But what, you might ask does this have to do with a thought for Sunday worship?  Well, I find life is like a double crust meat pie.  Life is a bit flaky, at times, and can be packed with all kinds of savory stuff.  How good your personal meat pie is, depends on how good a cook you are with your own life.  Will it be savory or unsavory?  That is always for you to decide.  Never take life too seriously; never expect life to be perfect.  Sometimes, in its imperfection, much good can be discovered.  Life will bring to you that which you work for; life is what you make of it.  And, eventually, when you look back on what you have created, you might very well find that, like the humble meat pie, life is what it is; nothing more but nothing less.  

Many of us want so much more than our life has to offer, and yet, I think, if you live life with a humble attitude, you might find Ms. Rossetti's poem to be meaningful for you.  "Many of us thrive on frugal fare who would perish of excess."   I mean, really, what would you do with $1,500,000,000 dollars anyway?  It won't buy you the happiness you really need; it will only buy you a lot of the crap, you'll ultimately find, you don't really want.

Life might take a downturn at any time.  We take chances in life's dice game, sometimes we crap out.  Take solace in fact that you had the guts to take the chance, then go find yourself a nice warm, crusty meat pie and snuggle down with a glass of red wine.  Life is good comfort food, and tomorrow is another day.

Keep several rolls of pie crust in the freezer, you might need them.

Editor's Note 

(re: disclaimer cum "get out of jail free" card) 

Before you go getting your panties in a bunch, it is essential to understand that this is just an opinion site and, as such, can be subjected to scrutiny by anyone with a differing opinion. It doesn't make either opinion any more right or wrong than the other. An opinion, presented in this context, is a way of inciting others to think and, hopefully, to form opinions of their own, if they haven't already done so.

It is my fervent hope that we keep open and active minds when reading opinions and then engaging in peaceful, constructive, discussion in an arena of mutual respect concerning the opinions put forth. After over twenty years as a military intelligence analyst, planner, and briefer, I have come to believe engaging each other in this manner and in this arena is the way we will learn tolerance and respect for differing beliefs, cultures, and viewpoints.

We all fall from grace, some more often than others; it is part of being human. God's test for us is what we do afterward, and what we learn from the experience.

Frank Anthony Villari (aka, Pastor Tony)

Pastor Tony is founder of the Congregation for Religious Tolerance and author/editor of the Congregation's official blog site, "The Path."

Benghazi's Ghosts

How do you define cowardice?  The civilian world can define it many ways, legally, morally, religiously, but for the military cowardice is defined by their actions in the face of the enemy and overwhelming odds.  It is defined by personnel who are left to die by the very administration they worked for, and it is especially defined by a military hierarchy which felt more concerned for their careers than in leaving good people behind to die.  I'd like to say the ghosts of these brave people will haunt these "killers" for years to come, but in the words of Hillary Clinton, "What difference at this point does it make?" 

Well, it turns out it makes quite a bit of difference, Madam Secretary.  New evidence coming to light from the other quagmire Hillary Clinton is involved in, the classified email scandal, would seem to bear out the lying and cover-up of condemning brave Americans to death.  I don't think any but the far left liberal would be surprised to find the President at the top of this list, after all, the buck stops there, whether he wants it to or not.  This was not an episode of “Mission Impossible” where the administration told them, if they were caught the State Department would disavow any knowledge of their activities and leaves them out to hang.  There was an expectation of rescue.  There was an expectation of Marines landing in force.  There was an expectation of "leave no man behind."  More importantly, there was an expectation, an obligation, of good old American bravery in the face of overwhelming odds to rescue several of our own; a moral obligation!

The current administration let them down.  The State Department let them down. Military commanders let them down.  And, most of all, the people of the United States of America let them down by not screaming for justice and the heads of all those involved.  We left fellow Americans to die in a foreign land.  We have the right to vote in leadership that will ensure zero tolerance for this kind of cowardice; cowardice which makes our country, our people, and our leadership seem weak and ineffective.  This is the kind of cowardice that invites our enemies test the waters of invasion.

"What difference at this point does it make?"  For sniveling cowards that hide behind their appointed office like it's a shield from any complicity in wrongdoing, it makes no difference.  But, to the patriotic taxpayers of this nation who pay the salaries of these people, the political leadership they vote for and the military commanders those same politicians assign to positions of leadership, their complicity in lying, cover ups, mishandling of classified material, and the murder of our brave men and women by the wonton inaction of these same inept employees makes a serious point.

But then, that's just my opinion.  I could be wrong.

Editor's Note 

(re: disclaimer cum "get out of jail free" card) 

Before you go getting your panties in a bunch, it is essential to understand that this is just an opinion site and, as such, can be subjected to scrutiny by anyone with a differing opinion. It doesn't make either opinion any more right or wrong than the other. An opinion, presented in this context, is a way of inciting others to think and, hopefully, to form opinions of their own, if they haven't already done so.

It is my fervent hope that we keep open and active minds when reading opinions and then engaging in peaceful, constructive, discussion in an arena of mutual respect concerning the opinions put forth. After over twenty years as a military intelligence analyst, planner, and briefer, I have come to believe engaging each other in this manner and in this arena is the way we will learn tolerance and respect for differing beliefs, cultures, and viewpoints.

We all fall from grace, some more often than others; it is part of being human. God's test for us is what we do afterward, and what we learn from the experience.

Frank Anthony Villari (aka, Pastor Tony)

Pastor Tony is founder of the Congregation for Religious Tolerance and author/editor of the Congregation's official blog site, "The Path."

Americans

Airman's Creed

I am a Warrior.  I have answered my Nation’s call.  I am an American Airman.  My mission is to Fly, Fight, and Win.  I am faithful to a Proud Heritage, A Tradition of Honor, And a Legacy of Valor.  I am an American Airman.  Guardian of Freedom and Justice,  My Nation’s Sword and Shield, It's Sentry and Avenger.  I defend my Country with my Life.  I am an American Airman.  Wingman, Leader, Warrior.  I will never leave an Airman behind, I will never falter, And I will not fail.

-- (Read more of the Creeds of the U.S. Military)

What makes a soldier a hero?  What sets one military person apart from another? For that matter, what makes a hero, a hero, especially to a military culture, a family of comrades expecting no less than the ultimate sacrifice when your name is called to step up?  When you are weighed and measured, will you be found wanting?  We can easily change an anonymous statement, What is a Veteran, to help us define a hero:

A Hero, whether active duty, discharged, retired, or reserve, is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America," for an amount of "up to, and including their life."  That is honor; there are too many people that don't get that.

A hero signs on the dotted line.  What our heroes do in battle will weigh and measure them; a few might be found wanting, but they did, at least, step up to be counted.  For most, the baptism of combat will define the hero they have already proved themselves to be; proved by volunteering to sacrifice their lives to protect those of us that can't, or won't.  

The majority of us sit on our fat, lazy, asses waiting for the heroes to be announced in the thankless liberal media, to come home, or to be buried, yet our heroes are announced to us every time we see someone in a uniform representing service to our community, and country.  We have to announce our heroes because they will not announce themselves.  They will not acknowledge what they do, will do, or have done, as heroic.  They are the humble best of what we all are supposed to represent.

If we want to define the opposite of a hero one only has to look to their detractors.  Yes, our heroic men and women even fight for the lives of those perpetually thankless who dare berate them for following orders unto death.  Shame on the cowards of this country for enjoying the fruits of sacrifice they, themselves, refuse to earn voluntarily.  I say voluntarily to head off the thankless who would use paying taxes as their out.

A hero fights to protect the innocent. A hero fights to protect friends, family, and country.  They fight for a piece of cloth bearing thirteen stripes and fifty stars because it is a representation of everything they hold dear in life.  They fight for values and freedoms many in our country take for granted, never learned, haven't earned, and will not even understand until those freedoms are lost.  Although they fight with little, if any, expectation of gratitude as this country has been gratitude poor since the Vietnam police action, this thankless trend seems to be lessening of late. 

I do solemnly swear that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; that I take this obligation freely, without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion; and that I will well and faithfully discharge the duties of the office on which I am about to enter. So help me God.

-- United States Uniformed Services Oath of Office

"So help me God."  This statement used to mean something.  It didn't really matter which God, when it came right down to it we all seemed to be on the same path.  It was simply a way of putting impetus behind our honest promise to do our duty for our fellow citizens.  We were swearing that we would not cut and run during battle, or walk away from our guard post one evening, upon penalty  of being shot as a coward or a traitor.  Now, it seems we don't require God any more, like we don't require there be winners, only participants.  We now live in a country where mediocrity is the name of the game and trading the enemy combatants for the return of our traitors may become common place.  It is a country where we can no longer turn boys into men for fear of winding up in court because we offended their delicate sensibilities.  So help me God?

God help us.

We swear to defend a Constitution which the majority of liberals in this country, both citizens and leadership, would like to see shredded... along with God.  Yet, the leadership took this very same oath of allegiance, and did so without purpose of evasion.  Basically, they lied.  No surprise there, right?  Are we to judge them as traitors?  Unless we plan on reliving the French Revolution here in America, by rolling a Guillotine up to the steps of the U.S. Capitol, I'm afraid their treason will be for history to determine.

Freedom is not a gift.  Freedom is something earned through sacrifice.  Countries that are simply handed their freedom, like Russia, have no ownership of it, no respect for it, and they will slowly lose that which wasn't earned.  I once told my son, not so very long ago, I wished for his generation, and into the next, an invasion of this great country, from within or without, that will deprive them of all the freedoms they take for granted, for it is only in the absence of freedom that the tree of liberty will be refreshed.  That invasion seems to be upon us as the enemy is not only at the gate from without, another enemy is in charge of guarding it from within.

The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.

-- Thomas Jefferson

We are all Americans.  I feel the majority of us have forgotten what this means.  I grew up in a household demanding patriotism, where freedom was our hard fought for right and patriotism was our duty as payment.  I am American by birth and Southern by the grace of God.  God bless the heroes of this great nation, and God bless the Constitution of the United States of America.

Ooh-rah!

Editor's Note 

(re: disclaimer cum "get out of jail free" card) 

Before you go getting your panties in a bunch, it is essential to understand that this is just an opinion site and, as such, can be subjected to scrutiny by anyone with a differing opinion. It doesn't make either opinion any more right or wrong than the other. An opinion, presented in this context, is a way of inciting others to think and, hopefully, to form opinions of their own, if they haven't already done so.

It is my fervent hope that we keep open and active minds when reading opinions and then engaging in peaceful, constructive, discussion in an arena of mutual respect concerning the opinions put forth. After over twenty years as a military intelligence analyst, planner, and briefer, I have come to believe engaging each other in this manner and in this arena is the way we will learn tolerance and respect for differing beliefs, cultures, and viewpoints.

We all fall from grace, some more often than others; it is part of being human. God's test for us is what we do afterward, and what we learn from the experience.

Frank Anthony Villari (aka, Pastor Tony)

Pastor Tony is founder of the Congregation for Religious Tolerance and author/editor of the Congregation's official blog site, "The Path." 

Stress

My stress in life ended when I became debt free.  My only debts, per se, were rent and car insurance.  I never lived beyond my means for a rental, and only had liability on my used vehicles.  Two things were obvious for me.  One was that I only worked to pay rent; everyone has to live somewhere.  The second was that I could dump the car anytime, as I always worked close enough to walk from home..

Marriage, for me, was stressful for two reasons.  The love was unrequited, and it created spiraling debt that occurs when one, or both of you, cares so much less about spending habits.  The plus to having your own credit cards and accounts before a divorce is that everyone becomes responsible for their own debt.  The upside, if there can be an upside to thoughtlessness, is that both of you, hopefully, get a wakeup call to enabling bad habits, and bad decisions.

"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for."

--Epicurus, Greek philosopher, 341-270 BC

There are other things I will not abide in my life that will cause me stress. One is that I abhor people who think they're smart enough to use me without me knowing they're doing it, including "friends," family, and people saying they "love" me. If they're succeeding, it's only because I have allowed it, for my own reasons. The fact they think I don't know they're using me simply pisses me off, as it means I have allowed dumbasses into my life. The second are people that are perpetually miserable, because I see no reason to enable their continued misery, especially in my life. The third is misery in my own life. Being miserable accomplished nothing but making other people miserable by being around you, and what fun is that, was that... for anybody?

"When we are unable to find tranquility within ourselves, it is useless to seek it elsewhere."

-- Francois de La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680), French author

And, finally, is being in debt.  By being debt free, I work because I want to, not because I have to.  I allow stress at work because it is interesting, not because I have to endure it; being debt free means you can tell the boss to shove it, at the drop of a hat, and not have to stress over the consequences of your action.  This is a great ability to have in your inventory, and a great feeling.

"Don't underestimate the value of Doing Nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can't hear, and not bothering."

--Winnie the Pooh

Stress is good for only one thing - getting rid of it.  The best way to rid yourself of stress is not to allow yourself to have it; don't put yourself in a position where stress rules you, always know you are accepting the stress for a damned good reason and get rid of it as soon as possible.  The biggest problem with stress is that it's like eating the wrong foods; a second on the lips, an eternity on the hips.  Many times the things that cause us stress are much harder to get rid of than they were to obtain.  Like waking up with the wrong person in bed next to you after tying one on the night before, the first thing you realize is... uh oh.  It is so much better in life to slow down and keep your wits about you.  There is absolutely no decision so important that you have to make it immediately.  Learn to take a moment and consider your options, and there are always options.  The decisions are yours.

"There is more to life than increasing its speed."

-- Mahatma Gandhi

The biggest stresses in my life have been, in reality, those which I have created for myself.  They were stresses which were caused by bad decision making, not following sound advice, and not getting rid of the damned stress, getting shed of the situation, when I realized I had created it.  If you live in stress, how can you ever hope to be truly happy?

"God give us the grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, the courage to change the things that should be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other."

--Reinhold Niebuhr

Winnie the Pooh tells us, "To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks." To the educated I offer that, if we used "one" in lieu of A or AN, we could eliminate one word by eliminating two.  This has absolutely nothing to do with stress, but I just thought of it so I wanted to share it.

Contrary to a popular song, one is not the loneliest number.  One is the most important number.  One is already more than zero, and one is a number that draws other numbers to it.  You must realize that, in your short life, you are number one.  Take care of number one.  If you can't take care of yourself, how can you ever hope to take care of others?  If you can't love yourself, how can you ever hope to love others?

I used to believe in forever

But forever's too good to be true.

-- Winnie the Pooh

We have a finite time in this life to find happiness.  Many of us never will.  Many of us start out believing in forever just to find out forever's too good to be true.  I prefer to believe in forever.  I prefer to think that one life bleeds into the next, and I'd rather not live through forever in a state of stressful misery.  If you don't get straight in this life you will have to get it straight in the next, or the next.  There is no time like the present to decide upon happiness.  There is no time like now to say NO to stress.  You can carry that stress around with you, filling your glass with it.  How much stress do you want to carry, and for how long?  It is entirely your decision.

Maybe it's time to put the glass down.

"Even as fire finds peace in its resting place without fuel, when thoughts become silence the soul finds peace in its own source. When the mind is silent, then it can enter into a world which is far beyond the mind. This is wisdom, and this is liberation."

--The Upanishads

Editor's Note 

(re: disclaimer cum "get out of jail free" card) 

Before you go getting your panties in a bunch, it is essential to understand that this is just an opinion site and, as such, can be subjected to scrutiny by anyone with a differing opinion. It doesn't make either opinion any more right or wrong than the other. An opinion, presented in this context, is a way of inciting others to think and, hopefully, to form opinions of their own, if they haven't already done so.

It is my fervent hope that we keep open and active minds when reading opinions and then engaging in peaceful, constructive, discussion and debate in an arena of mutual respect concerning the opinions put forth. After over twenty years as a military intelligence analyst, planner, and briefer, I have come to believe engaging each other in this manner and in this arena is the way we will learn tolerance and respect for differing beliefs, cultures, and viewpoints.

We all fall from grace, some more often than others; it is part of being human. God's test for us is what we do afterward, and what we learn from the experience.

Frank Anthony Villari (aka, Pastor Tony)

Pastor Tony is founder of the Congregation for Religious Tolerance and author/editor of the Congregation's official blog site, "The Path."

My Sunday Thought for January 10, 2016: Leo

Felice Leonardo "Leo" Buscaglia PhD (1924-1998)
"Dr. Love"

Felice Leonardo Buscaglia was born in Los Angeles, CA on March 31, 1924 into a family of Italian immigrants. He spent his early childhood in Aosta, Italy, before going back to the United States for education.  After Navy service in World War II, Buscaglia entered the University of Southern California where he earned three degrees before eventually joining the faculty. Upon retirement, Buscaglia was named Professor at Large, one of only two such designations on campus at that time.

While teaching at USC, Buscaglia was moved by a student's suicide to contemplate human disconnectedness and the meaning of life, and began a non-credit class he called Love 1A. This became the basis for his first book, titled simply LOVE. His dynamic speaking style was discovered by the Public Broadcasting System (PBS) and his televised lectures earned great popularity in the 1980s. At one point his talks, always shown during fund raising periods, were the top earners of all PBS programs. This national exposure, coupled with the heartfelt storytelling style of his books, helped make all of his titles national Best Sellers; five were once on the New York Times Best Sellers List simultaneously.

Buscaglia died of a heart attack on June 12, 1998 at his home in Glenbrook, Nevada, near Lake Tahoe. He was 74.

-- Excerpts from wikipedia.org: Leo Buscaglia

I happened upon Leo Buscaglia one day on television.  He was giving the first of his series on love.  He was eloquent and driven, passionate about the subject, and I was riveted.  In the 1980s I had just returned from a short tour in Incerlik, Turkey, and was celebrating 30 years of life on this planet. Also, by the 1980s, my marriage was a shambles, anger and frustration over my own in ability to salvage it was destroying what was left of it. In many ways, Leo was responsible for teaching me life, destroying my life, and rebuilding my life.  At thirty years of age I was to learn what love was, from a man I didn't even know, and it would change my life forever.

"I have a very strong feeling that the opposite of love is not hate - it's apathy. It's not giving a damn."

I struggled with my marriage for another 15 years or so before it finally became painfully evident I was the only one working on it.  The outcome of this is finding I was a stubborn fool trying to ride a horse, without enough common sense to realize the horse was dead.  You can throw all the love you have at a rock; the rock will not love you back.  This was where I found myself at the beginning of the new millenia - riding a dead horse and loving a rock.  As I found myself contemplating putting an end to pain, as I had come to define it, I remembered the words of Leo:

"I believe that you control your destiny, that you can be what you want to be. You can also stop and say, 'No, I won't do it, I won't behave his way anymore. I'm lonely and I need people around me, maybe I have to change my methods of behaving,' and then you do it."

Watching and listening to Leo Buscaglia taught me about life.  What I found in his words concerning love taught me what I needed to learn about life and love, just before it destroyed my life, because it needed destroying.  My life was already dead and I was just too stupid to realize it.  After I finished burning my life to the ground and put out the ashes, remembering his teachings helped me to rebuild my life with a new understanding of what life, and love, really meant.  I surrounded myself with people, good friends, capable of living and loving, and it turned my life around.

"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around."

Now, one might say I'm speaking of this man as if he were a savior.  Yeah, I guess I am in a sense.  When you listen to Leo... when you listen to what he says and how he says it, it is easy to put yourself back 2000 years.  It is easy to see how captivating Jesus may have seemed to the people of the day.

"Love is always bestowed as a gift - freely, willingly and without expectation. We don't love to be loved; we love to love."

I invite you, this Sunday, and every day, to enjoy the words of Leo Buscaglia.  I think you will find, after a few minutes, you'll need to go get a drink and a sandwich so you can hunker down for the long haul.  I have included the link for the series, Leo Buscaglia - Speaking of Love (1-6).  My hope is that you will find the man as captivating as I did.

"The fact that I can plant a seed and it becomes a flower, share a bit of knowledge and it becomes another's, smile at someone and receive a smile in return, are to me continual spiritual exercises."

Editor's Note 

(re: disclaimer cum "get out of jail free" card) 

Before you go getting your panties in a bunch, it is essential to understand that this is just an opinion site and, as such, can be subjected to scrutiny by anyone with a differing opinion. It doesn't make either opinion any more right or wrong than the other. An opinion, presented in this context, is a way of inciting others to think and, hopefully, to form opinions of their own, if they haven't already done so.

It is my fervent hope that we keep open and active minds when reading opinions and then engaging in peaceful, constructive, discussion and debate in an arena of mutual respect concerning the opinions put forth. After over twenty years as a military intelligence analyst, planner, and briefer, I have come to believe engaging each other in this manner and in this arena is the way we will learn tolerance and respect for differing beliefs, cultures, and viewpoints.

We all fall from grace, some more often than others; it is part of being human. God's test for us is what we do afterward, and what we learn from the experience.

Frank Anthony Villari (aka, Pastor Tony)

Pastor Tony is founder of the Congregation for Religious Tolerance and author/editor of the Congregation's official blog site, "The Path."

Persuading to Believe?

Are science and religion compatible?  Some would say that if your religion happens to be science, then yes, they are.  I'm not a scientist, yet I see a great need for science in the evolution of humanity.  I'm also not a great theologian, and yet, even I have a faith in what I do not see; a faith in something, some power, greater than myself, greater than all of us and everything.  I think, one day, science will find proof of the forces of darkness and light, of good and evil in our universe.  I think science will also prove that we have the ability, through our faith, or lack thereof, to draw these forces into our realm and to strengthen or weaken those same forces, or to banish either from our lives.  

For the spiritual among us, Saint Augustine defined our ability to step up in the face of science's lack of required proof by explaining, "Faith is to believe what you do not see; the reward of this faith is to see what you believe."  Science and faith are not mutually exclusive.  Science continually validates our faith in a power greater than ourselves.  This may be confusing to the pure scientist that insists the universe can always be explained with science and has no concept as to why the faithful can see God's hand at work in all things.  

I wonder if it ever occurred to science that putting the hand of God into their equations might make more sense than leaving it out.  Science is supposed to consider everything in the search for truth, yet if science doesn't consider God, aren't they guilty of not considering everything in their work?  Couldn't one claim the lack of considering everything as poor scientific method, even if part of that being considered is itself unproven?  How many times has science said impossible just to have that same "impossible" sneak up from behind and bite them in the ass?

"...credibility is one of the most useful tools a Christian has in trying to persuade those skeptical of the Christian faith."

-- Dr. Jeff Zweerink, astrophysicist

Science will never be able to disprove the existence of God as long as all the proof they continue to accumulate strengthens the belief that there is, in fact, a supreme power at work in the universe.  What name science gives this power is of little consequence to the true person of faith who will simply smile and say, "Yes, you are correct.  This is a power we, of faith, call God."  I disagree with Dr. Jeff Zweerink when he states "credibility is one of the most useful tools a Christian has in trying to persuade those skeptical of the Christian faith."  I disagree with it for only one reason; it presupposes people of faith should be trying to persuade skeptics.  You cannot persuade a skeptic that does not want to believe, any more than you can save the poor from their poverty if they don't want to work.  There will always be poor and skeptics among us.  Persuasion has a nasty tendency to morph into demanding or involuntary compliance, which is evidenced throughout history and is currently playing out in radical Islamic sociopathic philosophy.

One cannot be persuaded to believe unless they have the desire to believe.  It is a fundamental truth that you can enslave a free body but you can never enslave a free mind, as long as that mind is able and willing to exercise the ability to choose.  We can choose to be slaves, or we can choose not to be.  We can choose to believe and we can also choose not to.  Credibility of an argument to persuade is only as good as the data, and the interpretation of that data, being presented.  Any factual data on faith, religion, God, etc., has little meaning if the faith in one's interpretation falls on deaf ears.  Radical Islam produces an interpretation of "facts" (scripture) for which they have great faith, yet one does not need to have great knowledge of the Qur'an to know that any loving God would not condone the outright slaughter of innocence put on this world by that very same God.  This is tantamount to a religion admitting God makes mistakes.

How can we ever hope to persuade when we have scripture rife with angels delivering messages to mankind admitting mistakes that God wishes man to make right?  Mistakes?  Wouldn't we have to suppose God's plan went a tad askew if God wants man to straighten something out?  Wouldn't it make more sense to just see that God put innocence in the world and expects man to protect it at all costs?  Wouldn't it make more sense to point out to the followers of evil that, perhaps, their interpretation of the simple desires of God might, as usual, have been screwed up by mankind?  How much persuasion is necessary when you can show any mother the film or photos of five year old children being cut in half?  When motherhood accepts the slaughter of innocence, what possible argument, credible or not, can ever convince this kind of evil their path is not a righteous path?

So, what factual persuasion are we left with?  What scientific persuasion should we rely on?  In the case of evil infecting our world, do the "good" of mankind take up arms against the "evil" and do as one network news contributor recommended, "kill them all, kill them all again, and then kill their dog," because that is the only solution evil will understand?  When does scientific fact bow to a philosophy of faith in the battle of good and evil?  It would seem we might want to consider that, even philosophically, there is room for good scientific process tempered and assisted by righteous spiritual faith as much as there is room for the same good scientific process to prove belief in that very same spiritual faith.

I guess one needs to ask why in all our religious and spiritual philosophies, scientific endeavor is allowed a role, yet science denies the existence of a power that might just help provide essential proof for some complicated theory?  I think, if we were to ask a scientist, we might find an equation where a symbol has been used to cause a theory to make sense, to make the theory probable, if not possible.  Gee, all we would have to do is persuade the scientific community to name that symbol, that particle if you will, God.

Persuade science to name something a God particle?  Wouldn't hell freeze over first, that is, if science concedes to hell's existence?  Well, it would seem we're spending billions of dollars in a scientific search of the very element, the being of which many in the scientific community would deny the existence of, and probably deny it many more than three times.  Maybe we should have a little faith.  Heaven only knows, the Answer might just present Itself.  Wouldn't that be something?  What could it hurt?

Just saying... 

Editor's Note 

(re: disclaimer cum "get out of jail free" card) 

Before you go getting your panties in a bunch, it is essential to understand that this is just an opinion site and, as such, can be subjected to scrutiny by anyone with a differing opinion. It doesn't make either opinion any more right or wrong than the other. An opinion, presented in this context, is a way of inciting others to think and, hopefully, to form opinions of their own, if they haven't already done so.

It is my fervent hope that we keep open and active minds when reading opinions and then engaging in peaceful, constructive, discussion and debate in an arena of mutual respect concerning the opinions put forth. After over twenty years as a military intelligence analyst, planner, and briefer, I have come to believe engaging each other in this manner and in this arena is the way we will learn tolerance and respect for differing beliefs, cultures, and viewpoints.

We all fall from grace, some more often than others; it is part of being human. God's test for us is what we do afterward, and what we learn from the experience.

Frank Anthony Villari (aka, Pastor Tony)

Pastor Tony is founder of the Congregation for Religious Tolerance and author/editor of the Congregation's official blog site, "The Path."

Blessing Your Path for the New Year

"May God make your path, this coming year, a happy one! Not by shielding you from all sorrows and pain, but by strengthening you to bear it, as it comes; not by making your path easy, but by making you sturdy to travel your path, any path; not by taking hardships from you, but by taking fear from your heart to face those hardships headon; not by granting you unbroken sunshine, but by keeping your face bright, even in the shadows; not by making your life always pleasant, but by showing you when people and their causes need you most, and by making you anxious to be there to help. My prayer is for God’s love, peace, hope and joy to you for the coming year. My prayer is, as always, for more tolerance toward those of other faiths. What we call our belief is not as important as practicing the core of our belief. Love each other, be righteous, and praise your God. We will fail at much along our path, and herein lie our lessons. God bless us all."

As I sit here in my mental highchair, munching on another thought banana,  I can't help but think, "Well we've managed to do it.  As hard as some of us have tried to piss off God, leave our path, get lost, and totally muck up our lives, we have been given the reprieve of yet another year in paradise.  How awesome is that?"  Now, what are we going to do with this awesome opportunity to excel?  More to the point, what are you going to do?

Are you confused at my eagerness to attack yet another year?  Are you finding it hard to wrap your mind around a feeling of excitement for the coming year, when the one you've just left behind sucked so badly?  Are you having a difficult time wrapping your mind around another year of a shitty life which is the product of the equally shitty decisions you have made?  Still blaming God for all you have allowed to happen in your miserable life?  Well, maybe it's time you change your decision making paradigm to one with decisions for rosier outcomes.

Have you made that "New Year Resolution" to be more than you are?  My problem with these "resolutions" is that we generalize to a desired outcome.  I resolve to lose weight, be happier, get laid, get rich, be debt free, or maybe give myself over to Christ.  We are all pretty good at resolving to a desired outcome, and few of us actually follow through to that end.  And, here comes my favorite question, "Why?"

We resolve to an achievable outcome, yet few of us resolve to the tasks needed to achieve it.  You can't resolve to bring about world peace, unless you resolve to be more tolerant and understanding along your path in order to bring about world peace.  You cannot resolve to lose weight unless you resolve to stop going back for second helpings of food and start eating healthier.  You can't resolve to be more righteous and stronger in your faith until you resolve to define your faith, your spirituality, and your beliefs.  You can't resolve to be a better person until you resolve to know the person you are now.

Is your life a bucket of crap due to debt?  Get out of debt.  A bad relationship?  Dump the dead weight for someone who truly cares.  Lousy "friends" around you?  Surround yourself with a better class of friends.  Living in fear of what others think?  What is living in fear of their thoughts garnering you, and don't you think its time to stop listening to ignorance?  Resolve to the process required to achieve a desired outcome, not to the outcome.  It is easy at the end of the year to say you failed to achieve the outcome, it is also easy to say you succeeded in tasks required to achieve the outcome.  Achieve in the steps, one brick at a time.  It is in the process of art the artist finds peace, not in the final product.  It is in the process we learn and appreciate victory, not in the "gift" of success without trial. 

Remember, it is all about the journey, not the destination.

Editor's Note

(Re: disclaimer cum "get out of jail free" card)

Before you go getting your panties in a bunch, it is essential to understand that this is just an opinion site and, as such, can be subjected to scrutiny by anyone with a differing opinion. It doesn't make either opinion any more right or wrong than the other. An opinion, presented in this context, is a way of inciting others to think and, hopefully, to form opinions of their own, if they haven't already done so. This is also why, occasionally, I will present an "opinion" just to stir an emotional pot. Where it may sound like I agree with the statements made, I'm more interested in getting others to consider another viewpoint. 

It is my fervent hope that we keep open and active minds when reading opinions and while engaging in peaceful, constructive, discussion in an arena of mutual respect concerning the opinions put forth. After over twenty years with military intelligence, I have come to believe engaging each other in this manner and in this arena is the way we will learn tolerance and respect for differing beliefs, cultures, and viewpoints.

We all fall from grace, some more often than others; it is part of being human. God's test for us is what we learn from the experience, and what we do afterward.

Pastor Tony spent 23 years with United States Air Force Intelligence as a planner, analyst, briefer, instructor, and senior manager. He spent 17 years, following his service career, working with an Institutional Review Board helping to protect the rights of human subjects in pharmaceutical research. Ordained 1n 2013 as an "interfaith" minister, he founded the Congregation for Religious Tolerance in response to intolerance shown by Christians toward peaceful Islam. As the weapon for his war on intolerance he chose the pen, to wage his "battle" in the guise of the Congregation's official online blog, The Path, of which he is both author and editor. "The Path" offers a vehicle for commentary and guidance concerning one's own personal, spiritual, path toward peace and the final destination for us all. He currently resides in Pass Christian, Mississippi, where he volunteers as Chaplain Program Liaison, at a regional medical center.