"There’s an unexpected sadness to getting your life back. It’s like your getting laid off slowly from an equally grueling but joyful job. She’s ten now. And I’ll notice that she’ll be reading alone for an hour without getting bored and jumping on me. We used to make tents on the bed, now it’s more homework and YouTube. Sometimes she’ll go in her room for a long time and close the door. Her life is becoming hers and I’m fascinated by where it’s going to go. But it’s bittersweet that she needs me less and less."
-- Facebook - Humans of New York
What can be worse than a child losing a parent, or having a parent that is never there? Perhaps it's being the parent and losing your rights to exercise the fact, or being a parent and not realizing the joy of parenthood until the time has passed you by. How about when all of this pertains? What do you say when you look in the mirror and a schmuck looks back at you? I know the answer...
I looked in that very mirror and said, "Hi, schmuck!"
My "unexpected sadness" came after my divorce, when I got my life back at the extreme cost of giving up my rights to be a full time father to my daughter. It wasn't the spousal support, that was just money; the obligatory child support handed over to the custodial parent to spend as they see fit. It is a loose definition for giving money to the working ex-spouse whose spending habits may be the cause for the divorce in the first place, so any support for the child is a crap shoot. Until the state tracks the money spent, which will never happen, I will continue to refer to this mandatory payment as "spousal support." Personally, I think it would be in everyone's best interest to have the support money put in an account for college when the child turns 18, or for a nest egg when they turn 21. If the custodial parent wants the child, prove it. Pay the cost to be the boss. How many dads get meaningful child support from the working mother? Fair is fair... just saying.
If you really love the child, don't make it about money, make it about your love for the child. But money is what it always seems to come down to, doesn't it? Show me the money, honey! People do what they are allowed to do, and I can't fault them. We are, after all, only human, and with that curse come all the rest of them, like lawyers and the Seven Capital Vices, or Mortal Sins, God help us. We are bred to ignore the moral lesson of, just because you can do a thing, doesn't mean you should. But we do, and then we leave our lives in the hands of incompetent lawyers and judges that end up hurting everyone involved, the winner, loser, and the innocent children. In the end, no one really wins.
If you really love the child, don't make it about money, make it about your love for the child. But money is what it always seems to come down to, doesn't it? Show me the money, honey! People do what they are allowed to do, and I can't fault them. We are, after all, only human, and with that curse come all the rest of them, like lawyers and the Seven Capital Vices, or Mortal Sins, God help us. We are bred to ignore the moral lesson of, just because you can do a thing, doesn't mean you should. But we do, and then we leave our lives in the hands of incompetent lawyers and judges that end up hurting everyone involved, the winner, loser, and the innocent children. In the end, no one really wins.
My divorce came at a time in a daughter's life when she needed a father the most, monetarily and emotionally. It was a time when, as an "every two weeks" father, if you really screwed up with her you couldn't make it better until your assigned visitation weekend came around again. Meanwhile she could stew and learn to hate you with unintentional assistance from your estranged who might not even know there's an issue, or even care.
Why do the courts penalize parents that actually want to be parents? Then again, why does it seem the husband always wrong in the eyes of the court? The courts are the ones that preach to parents about being there, yet they are the very ones responsible for ripping the children from the very people that love them. I actually called Washington State down on this, while setting up my state mandated support payments, when they treated me like a deadbeat dad. I threatened to sic my attorney on them if they didn't show me respect for doing the right thing. I was accepting my responsibility and I sure as hell was going to get respect, from someone, for doing it. This was the last time the State and I found the need to speak.
Putting all the bitterness aside is like losing your favorite, threadbare, luggage after a flight to the tropics. Not only do you realize your luggage was embarrassing when compared to other passenger's offerings, but everything in it was out of style and inappropriate for the nude beach you found yourself frequenting. Maybe it was time for a new Speedo... and a Rolex.
My point is, bitterness is ugly baggage best lost, especially when children are involved. It is hard to get shed of bitterness, I know, because it took me years. As hard as I tried not to show it to my daughter, neither of my kids was stupid. They knew I was bitter, and they were well aware of why, it made their young lives tough and, for all of this, I will be eternally sorry.
For the normal marriage, the quote at the beginning of this post seems pretty accurate. For the divorced parent, with "visitation" rights, it is significantly worse, and much more painful to watch, as your children's lives flash by with numerous missing episodes. Guilty or innocent, you are being punished by the state for however long it takes your children to reach eighteen years of age, and then you have a forced epiphany when you realize the punishment is a life term as they immediately leave for college, marriage, and lives of their own. But, whether they need you less and less is really not as traumatic as the realization that you couldn't be there when they really needed you, all because a court made a decision without considering the psychological scarring that would occur from the pain of losing your children, watching them grow from afar, and not being there every day, not being there when they needed you, and not being an active part of their lives 24/7/365.
I'll have to research the suicide rates among divorced parents that lost everything, except for their physical life. I wonder how many that didn't commit suicide, actually considered doing it?
When I read the article, which I took the paragraph from, the quote, all of my emotions, from years ago, flooded back. It wasn't that I was still bitter, that ship sailed off with my ugly luggage a while back. No, I felt a deep loss. I felt a loss of a fatherhood that I will never be able to recover, a part of my life that someone thoughtlessly determined I didn't deserve, so they stole it from me. When I see or talk to my kids, both grown now and one with kids of her own, I can't help but feel they think I gave them up willingly, that I abandoned them for my own life, and that they blame me for everything. I always fear that I wasn't a good father, because I wasn't allowed to be there for them.
So, if you encounter divorced parents with visitation rights, don't be too quick to judge. I don't think you have to ask questions, just look into their eyes. If there exists a hidden sadness that seems hard to penetrate, that would be the schmuck they're forced to see each morning in the mirror. They are on a path through a psychological hell you might want no part of. The proof will be when they see a photograph, like the one at the beginning of this post. If their eyes moisten and their lip quivers, they are, and always have been, a loving parent. Or, they might have just crapped their pants, but let's go with the parent thing.
Try to be gentle. Try to be kind. Try, as best you can, to understand that theirs, more than likely, is a parenthood stolen.
Before you go getting your panties in a bunch, it is essential to understand that this is just an opinion site and, as such, can be subjected to scrutiny by anyone with a differing opinion. It doesn't make either opinion any more right or wrong than the other. An opinion, presented in this context, is a way of inciting others to think and, hopefully, to form opinions of their own, if they haven't already done so.
It is my fervent hope that we keep open and active minds when reading opinions and then engaging in peaceful, constructive, discussion in an arena of mutual respect concerning the opinions put forth. After over twenty years as a military intelligence analyst, planner, and briefer, I have come to believe engaging each other in this manner and in this arena is the way we will learn tolerance and respect for differing beliefs, cultures, and viewpoints.
We all fall from grace, some more often than others; it is part of being human. God's test for us is what we do afterward, and what we learn from the experience.
Frank Anthony Villari (aka, Pastor Tony)
Why do the courts penalize parents that actually want to be parents? Then again, why does it seem the husband always wrong in the eyes of the court? The courts are the ones that preach to parents about being there, yet they are the very ones responsible for ripping the children from the very people that love them. I actually called Washington State down on this, while setting up my state mandated support payments, when they treated me like a deadbeat dad. I threatened to sic my attorney on them if they didn't show me respect for doing the right thing. I was accepting my responsibility and I sure as hell was going to get respect, from someone, for doing it. This was the last time the State and I found the need to speak.
Putting all the bitterness aside is like losing your favorite, threadbare, luggage after a flight to the tropics. Not only do you realize your luggage was embarrassing when compared to other passenger's offerings, but everything in it was out of style and inappropriate for the nude beach you found yourself frequenting. Maybe it was time for a new Speedo... and a Rolex.
My point is, bitterness is ugly baggage best lost, especially when children are involved. It is hard to get shed of bitterness, I know, because it took me years. As hard as I tried not to show it to my daughter, neither of my kids was stupid. They knew I was bitter, and they were well aware of why, it made their young lives tough and, for all of this, I will be eternally sorry.
For the normal marriage, the quote at the beginning of this post seems pretty accurate. For the divorced parent, with "visitation" rights, it is significantly worse, and much more painful to watch, as your children's lives flash by with numerous missing episodes. Guilty or innocent, you are being punished by the state for however long it takes your children to reach eighteen years of age, and then you have a forced epiphany when you realize the punishment is a life term as they immediately leave for college, marriage, and lives of their own. But, whether they need you less and less is really not as traumatic as the realization that you couldn't be there when they really needed you, all because a court made a decision without considering the psychological scarring that would occur from the pain of losing your children, watching them grow from afar, and not being there every day, not being there when they needed you, and not being an active part of their lives 24/7/365.
I'll have to research the suicide rates among divorced parents that lost everything, except for their physical life. I wonder how many that didn't commit suicide, actually considered doing it?
When I read the article, which I took the paragraph from, the quote, all of my emotions, from years ago, flooded back. It wasn't that I was still bitter, that ship sailed off with my ugly luggage a while back. No, I felt a deep loss. I felt a loss of a fatherhood that I will never be able to recover, a part of my life that someone thoughtlessly determined I didn't deserve, so they stole it from me. When I see or talk to my kids, both grown now and one with kids of her own, I can't help but feel they think I gave them up willingly, that I abandoned them for my own life, and that they blame me for everything. I always fear that I wasn't a good father, because I wasn't allowed to be there for them.
I'll be the
first to admit I wasn't prepared for fatherhood when my son was born, I was too young. Then, when I thought I was finally ready to be a father for my daughter, I was found I was seriously less prepared to have the opportunity ripped
away from me by someone I loved.
It has been a long road back to normalcy, but now I consider myself lucky, fortunate, and loved again. For years I was lost, broken, and unwilling to let myself be vulnerable, to trust... anyone, for fear of being hurt like that again. It took me all of those years to find myself, and even now I still let very few people close, though that is changing daily even though the walls I've built will stand the test of what time I have left. I have found my happiness again, through years of love and good friends, and this is a good thing. Hell, I even open the gates of my mental fortress occasionally, if just to taunt inquiring minds or outright shock the unprepared. Life is good.
It has been a long road back to normalcy, but now I consider myself lucky, fortunate, and loved again. For years I was lost, broken, and unwilling to let myself be vulnerable, to trust... anyone, for fear of being hurt like that again. It took me all of those years to find myself, and even now I still let very few people close, though that is changing daily even though the walls I've built will stand the test of what time I have left. I have found my happiness again, through years of love and good friends, and this is a good thing. Hell, I even open the gates of my mental fortress occasionally, if just to taunt inquiring minds or outright shock the unprepared. Life is good.
So, if you encounter divorced parents with visitation rights, don't be too quick to judge. I don't think you have to ask questions, just look into their eyes. If there exists a hidden sadness that seems hard to penetrate, that would be the schmuck they're forced to see each morning in the mirror. They are on a path through a psychological hell you might want no part of. The proof will be when they see a photograph, like the one at the beginning of this post. If their eyes moisten and their lip quivers, they are, and always have been, a loving parent. Or, they might have just crapped their pants, but let's go with the parent thing.
Try to be gentle. Try to be kind. Try, as best you can, to understand that theirs, more than likely, is a parenthood stolen.
Editor's Note
(re: disclaimer cum "get out of jail free" card)
Before you go getting your panties in a bunch, it is essential to understand that this is just an opinion site and, as such, can be subjected to scrutiny by anyone with a differing opinion. It doesn't make either opinion any more right or wrong than the other. An opinion, presented in this context, is a way of inciting others to think and, hopefully, to form opinions of their own, if they haven't already done so.It is my fervent hope that we keep open and active minds when reading opinions and then engaging in peaceful, constructive, discussion in an arena of mutual respect concerning the opinions put forth. After over twenty years as a military intelligence analyst, planner, and briefer, I have come to believe engaging each other in this manner and in this arena is the way we will learn tolerance and respect for differing beliefs, cultures, and viewpoints.
We all fall from grace, some more often than others; it is part of being human. God's test for us is what we do afterward, and what we learn from the experience.
Frank Anthony Villari (aka, Pastor Tony)
Pastor Tony is founder of the Congregation for Religious Tolerance and author/editor of the Congregation's official blog site, "The Path."
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