My Sunday Thought for 081218: 20/20 Blindsight

I think that's why often people in creative fields can feel so alone is because there's a constant third eye, that constant watcher.

-- Oscar Isaac, actor, musician

Note to my readers:  The following post is the product of my mind railing at me, early one morning, as I sat in front of the screen thinking about the next edition of My Sunday Thought.  I was beating myself up, as I've been known to do, and the following is the rambling crap which poured out onto the keyboard.  I tried to edit it several times in an attempt to make it less self-aggrandizing, and finally thought, just leave it alone, it is what it is.  The one thing I definitely am not is egotistical.  My abject humility is only surpassed by my exceedingly good looks.

I have always loved to watch people; the interaction, the emotions.  I think was a product of being excluded, socially, by my peers when I was growing up; I seemed to always find myself on the outside looking in.  As an only child I had a lot of "me time" when I was a teenager.  For a teenager, "me time" meant you were alone, whether you wanted to be, or not.  Alone was never an issue, however, and even marriage would become twenty years of hell on earth.  It wasn't until late in life I came to the realization that I don't wish to be alone at my end.  Even with this fear, now at the forefront of my being, I still cherish time I spend alone.

I was odd kid.  My brain worked differently.  The more I tried to fit in, the more odd I would seem.  I remember some adult calling me "precocious" because I always wanted to hang with the adults and listen to their conversations.  I looked up "precocious" in the dictionary.  I wasn't sure what they thought they were seeing.

My son, growing up, reminded me of myself in so many ways, yet different where it mattered.  He was diagnosed in the early 80s as "high active" and the psychologist said his mind was not being challenged with anything of interest to him.  Bingo!  Me all over.  I see a lot of me, and my son, in his sister's son, as well; a pinball pinging off way to many rails, in search of focus.  My focus was in creativity and philosophy, whereas my son went toward math and technology.  I feel my grandson following in my son's footsteps, my fingers crossed.

Try as I might, perhaps not hard enough, I still became more of a loner.  I had a few friends, but I was never happier than when I was alone in my room plotting UFO sightings on a wall map, or doing "odd" research.  I had a steady flow of mail to and from NASA and all the other UFO acronyms - APRO, NICAP, MUFON and, of course, the USAF who would neither confirm nor deny but would allow me to finagle the complete collection of "Project Blue Book" reports.  I spent so much time in my quiet room doing research, I stumbled upon the ghost of the previous homeowner, tracked down his wife in a retirement home, and was able to put the tap-tap-tap sound, outside my bedroom window, to that of his cane as he did a nightly constitutional around the house.  The sound had only recently become apparent because dad had just poured a new concrete patio which came by my window.  When I wasn't involved in my map, research, or the paranormal, I picked up meditation and Zen philosophy (it was the late 60's, after all), and I was just starting high school.

I wasn't good at much, but I was good at seeing patterns and making assumptions with a minimum of information.  Sometimes I was wrong but, then, the information wasn't all that great.  I was the guy who got a 98% on the first test in "Logic" class but failed because I didn't show my work.  The answers were logical, but that didn't seem to matter where the instructor's "logic" was concerned.  I needed to show the work.  Granted, showing the work may have allowed me to ace the test, but my brain just doesn't work that way; it was my first and last week in "Logic."

I spent a lot of my time overseas, and stateside, frequenting cafes, bars, clubs, and the like.  I was content to sit, usually alone, for several hours simply watching the parade of humanity "play" at the game of life.  It was interesting to see what abilities they thought they brought to the table.  What pickup lines they were using; if they were they dressed for "success" and did they rely on money to grease their bullshit, or were they only armed with bullshit.  I looked to see if there was a subtle "wingman," or a flamboyant putz who they hoped would make them look so much better to some prospective lady.  I tried to figure out who was married and who was with their significant other while they were still looking.  It didn't matter the country, the game didn't vary any more than the obvious inabilities they brought with.  Many times I was asked if I was looking for someone or if I was a cop.  I would usually answer that I was just looking and if I was a cop, what it would buy me.  The looks I got for the latter answer were precious rewards.  I was never disappointed by the players and always considered my drinks as money well spent in the pursuit of common sense.  I was odd, even then.

A friend of mine once asked my help on a design problem he was having with a component stereo cabinet he was going to build.  He showed me his penciled mechanical drawing and I spend a few minutes walking him through my design flaw fix.  When I was finished, he just stared at me and shook his head.  He couldn't understand why I redesigned his entire cabinet, at a glance, in my head, in order to solve the one issue.  I apologized for jumping ahead without explanation, and he just laughed and said my design was so much easier and logical than his.  People tend to overthink simplicity; they take what should be a simple task and turn it into a cumbersome project.  I think this is why I did so well in the Intelligence field.  I loved to take regulations, chew them up, and spit them back out so we could get the job done more efficiently.  After all, regulations are more like guidelines, right?

Anyway, this is a long trip to explain how I came to be a bit of a loner, even after I learned to calm my mind and "fit in" to polite society, you know, like college.  I spent the first forty-five years of my life watching, and the next twenty understanding all that I didn't see, or didn't want to see, because I was so busy watching.  It wasn't that I couldn't see the forest for all the trees, I looked passed all the trees close to me so I could take in the forest as a whole.  I ended up knowing a bunch about the forest, but not much about the trees in my own backyard.  Maybe this is why I have such a problem remembering names; my pendulum swung so far the other way, watching others to the point of voyeurism, that I became fine with knowing someone just in passing.  Everyone I met was just passing through my life.  It was business as usual.

The "third eye" is said to be the center of wisdom.  With all I have seen and done, all that I didn't see or do, and all which I missed for a variety of excuses, there are times I wanted to blind the "third eye" with a sharpened, red hot poker.  I think the pain would be less than some I have felt because of it; the wisdom I should have exercised concerning love and friendship, emotions and relationships.  I was sighted, and yet blind.  When the "seeing blind" develop the hindsight which comes with age, I am compelled to call it the "blindsight," which only the wisdom of age can reveal.

I have lived long enough to see people I know lose everything, fall into poor health, or die.  I am still in contact with a few friends, and have finally found some old friends, comrades, and colleagues.  I wonder at how life has beaten them down or caused them to ignore their own wellbeing, and still they manage to survive.  I find myself wondering how their lives might have been different if I had paid more attention, if I'd been upfront with my feelings to this woman or that.  The men I've known who, now, have gained so much weight and are walking heart attacks, biting their nails to the quick, or are fighting a malady; I wonder how they might be healthier had I been a better friend and less of a loner.  How I could have lent a mentoring ear to all these folks before, or after, their significant others burdened them with life changing secrets and debt, known to all but them until divorce or death brought out the ugly truth, as though death would absolve their "significant" of any wrongdoing in lying by omission about such important, life changing, truths.

Would've, could've, should've - the mournful refrain of those poor souls afflicted with "blindsight" syndrome.  No amount of self-recrimination, however, can change any of what has transpired in their lives.  I have had to come to grips with the fact that you just can't save everyone, especially if you're busy saving yourself, but knowing that doesn't ease the hurt.  My own marriage fell apart 25 years before it ended.  We were only married for 24.  It would seem I was always the consummate loner.

It occurred to me, somewhere along the line, I can fix design flaws at a glance, in my head, yet I could not see the problems my few friends were having in their lives.  I can see patterns as they develop, yet the patterns leading to their their self-destruction escaped my notice.  I can see the logic and illogic in the thought process of others, yet I could not grasp the simple fact that simple logic was missing in the important choices my friends were making.  The few I did want to warn, well, who was I?  Only now do I realize how sad an excuse that was.

I have discovered my own sadness and ultimate loss at having never been up front with my feelings for others, as they now admit to also being afraid of sharing their feelings toward me.  Three women in my life have gone in directions which might have been so much different, had the choices we made been better.  I know, now, how much I truly loved each of them; how much I wanted to turn around as I left, how much they so wanted me to, and I didn't, for one reason or another; reasons I now see as being of little consequence, but reasons which, if ignored, might have changed our lives forever.

I have stopped watching people, for the most part.  I try not to play mind games for the sake of the game, and analyze people for my own entertainment.  I do try.  I recognize it was a way to set myself apart, rise above those who thought they were so much better, and remain alone.  I slip after I've had a couple of drinks, usually at the local watering hole.  Old habits...

I have learned to hold no animus toward others, if it can be avoided; some people just beg for it, however.  I try to be involved with others, in a positive way, knowing what people do to others can have life changing consequences for them.  I've done enough damage in the "china shops" of other people's lives.  It is better to be obvious in bringing light to darkness than to inadvertently turn off what little light remains.  You really have to be present in the lives of others.

I'm not much of a loner anymore.  I do spend a lot of time, in my mind, at what I've come to call the "Cusp of Forever."  I stare into the abyss because I always feel there is so much I'm not aware of that is there, just out of reach.  It also is a place where I can go to think and find answers which I, sometimes desperately, seek.  The abyss is where I went this morning and made peace with how very much I truly love these friends I've written about.  How much their current consequence, or their passing, touches my heart and has affected me.  The abyss holds answers which I need.  It is also the bottomless pit where I throw that for which I have little use so it can be torn down, churned up, and regurgitated at a later date for my further edification and humility.

We excuse our "blindsight" with the thought that one must not dwell on the past.  We try not to look into the eyes of those people we cared about, or still do, and this is where I fail.  I am, and always have been, a watcher.  I cannot help but see, in those eyes, the pain which has been their life, and I cannot help but feel some responsibility for my part, or lack thereof.  I always tout the benefit of living in the present, in the now, but if the eyes you look into reflect the errors of your past, this can be an accusatory and painful present in which to live.  If I were to admit any sadness in my life, it would be this failing of mine which I unknowingly, or thoughtlessly, perpetrated upon the few people in my life who cared enough to know me.  I look in the mirror and see new lines in my brow - small penance for my sins.

Maybe there is something to be said for the old adage, "You can't go home."  Maybe it would be more to the point to say, you can't go back.  If you do, you might not like what you find.  I looked for my past, hunted for those I knew and cared for, and discovered a part of me which I denied for years.  What you search for in your past may be more than you bargained for.  You might start out looking for memories, but what you find might surprise you and, just maybe, not in the way you were expecting.

Don't let life pass you by before you tell others what they mean to you.  If you love them tell them you love them, and then love each other like there is no tomorrow, for there might not be.  If you care about them, let them know, and be not afraid to be involved in their lives, their choices, and their mistakes; if they balk, at least you cared enough to try.  These are family, our brothers and sisters, our lovers and our friends.

Is there really anything more important in your life, or more important to your soul?  I think not.

"Follow Me" at The Path (https://congregationforreligioustolerance.blogspot.com/)

Editor's Note

(Re: disclaimer cum "get out of jail free" card)

Before you go getting your panties in a bunch, it is essential to understand that this is just an opinion site and, as such, can be subjected to scrutiny by anyone with a differing opinion. It doesn't make either opinion any more right or wrong than the other. An opinion, presented in this context, is a way of inciting others to think and, hopefully, to form opinions of their own, if they haven't already done so. This is also why, occasionally, I will present an "opinion" just to stir an emotional pot. Where it may sound like I agree with the statements made, I'm more interested in getting others to consider an alternate viewpoint. 

It is my fervent hope that we keep open and active minds when reading opinions and while engaging in peaceful and constructive discussion, in an arena of mutual respect, concerning those opinions put forth. After over twenty years with military intelligence, I have come to believe engaging each other in this manner and in this arena is the way we will learn tolerance and respect for differing beliefs, cultures, and viewpoints.

We all fall from grace, some more often than others; it is part of being human. God's test for us is what we learn from the experience, and what we do afterward.

Pastor Tony spent 22 years with United States Air Force Intelligence as a planner, analyst, briefer, instructor, and senior manager. He spent 17 years, following his service career, working with the premier, world renowned, Institutional Review Board helping to protect the rights of human subjects involved in pharmaceutical research. Ordained 1n 2013 as an "interfaith" minister, he founded the Congregation for Religious Tolerance in response to intolerance shown by Christians toward peaceful Islam. As the weapon for his war on intolerance he chose the pen, and wages his "battle" in the guise of the Congregation's official online blog, The Path, of which he is both author and editor. "The Path" offers a vehicle for commentary and guidance concerning one's own personal, spiritual, path toward peace and the final destination for us all. He currently resides in Pass Christian, Mississippi, where he volunteers as lead Chaplain and Chaplain Program Liaison, at the regional medical center.