My Sunday Thought for 040118: Love Is Not Like Chalk

You say my love is like chalk,

That I can write it on you

And erase it whenever I choose.

Well, you're wrong.

I use crayons.

Even when I was a young man, sowing my oats, I knew that love was not like chalk; it was not erasable.  It seems pretty obvious that the love that can be erased is not true love.  Oh, the love can change, can morph into something more or less, but if the love is true it will always be love and it will endure.  I have loved my share of people, and I still love them today to a greater or lesser extent.  And then, there are those cherished few who are like water to my oil; as much as I love them, we simply weren't meant to be, but they still remain dear friends.

Someone I loved deeply once told me, "I don't love you.  I never loved you.  I just used you."  Hurtful?  Well, yeah, but can you imagine living with the fact that you are capable of doing this, saying this, to someone to someone who truly loves you?  This wasn't using chalk and erasing it as much as it seemed to be sociopathic.  And what does it say about the kind of person it takes to say this to someone else?  And, how about the poor sap they finally end up with?  God bless them both.

"...what’s worse than knowing you want something, besides knowing you can never have it?"

-- James Patterson, author

This is someone who would forever be looking for love in all the wrong places and, very soon, would have to settle for whoever would have them, as none of us get any younger.  But, hurtful as they were, I still hold a special place for them in my heart.  That's the trouble with using crayons; you just can't seem to get rid of the marks once they're made, no matter how mean the person is toward you.  Looking back on this relationship, I have to say that a single bad one out of the many is doing pretty good and, as it turned out, I was better off without this person in my life anyway.  One bad apple in a barrel filled with gemstones simply smells and looks bad until you deal with it.

People will say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  Bull shit.  Unless you're also a shallow user of people, what doesn't kill you can hurt like hell, weaken you, and make you shy away from situations which might result in you getting hurt like that ever again.  It changes your reality, makes you appreciate what you have and those people who truly care, and it can make you a better judge of people you dare get close to.

Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.

-- Lewis B. Smedes (1921-2002), author, ethicist, theologian

Relationships like this are life lessons.  Painful, yes, but for those strong enough to forgive, for those strong enough to learn from it, rise above it and move forward, it will make you a better person.  If you can do all of this, and still have love for them, you humble yourself.  A little humility is never a bad thing.  Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger?  Well, I'm an optimist and even I try to stay out of harm's way.  Emotions raked raw don't necessarily make you stronger, but it can change the victim's point of view if they approach it with a positive attitude and an ability to understand, forgive, and even to see their own culpability in what transpired.

You cannot forget a bad memory.  You can try, but it will always be hidden in the seldom visited recesses of the mind, subconsciously dropped behind the file cabinet marked "ELEPHANT SHIT" where it will be in the fine company of cockroaches and rats.  Time cannot erase bad memories, either, but time can certainly make you feel like you've put some distance into the equation, even though the bad memory is really simply waiting until you're vulnerable before it beats you up... again.

Memories will always be with us, some hidden and others not so much.  When it comes to bad memories we need to understand the emotions surrounding them, own them, forgive ourselves and the perpetrator, and then let the emotions go.  I have found you can't help other people until you learn to help yourself.

I think we all wish we could erase some dark times in our lives. But all of life's experiences, bad and good make you who you are. Erasing any of life's experiences would be a great mistake.

-- Luis Miguel, Latin singer and icon

I'm a firm believer that, if we ask ourselves why something happened, and we're honest with ourselves, we will discover it truly takes two to tango; everyone gets their share of the guilt pie.  For instance, if your marriage goes south and you feel you've done nothing to cause it, why is the failure on you?  Well, which one of you promised "till death do us part" during the wedding?  Next time make a better choice and you'll probably have a better consequence.  But, it isn't about blame inasmuch as it is about owning your decisions and the consequences of your own actions.  Scripture states it best:  "There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands."

As an artist I have an arsenal of emotional media to decorate my life with.  I have a 120 count box of crayons marked with the colors of positivity.  I also have a ten pack of white chalk used when the emotion is new and raw, and I'm not yet sure how to decorate it with positivity... yet.  As bad as things can get in life, we must always find the positive.  Being able to find the positive, to own our shortcomings, to forgive others who wrong us and, in doing so, wrong themselves, allows us to decorate life with pretty colors and move forward in our journey.  It also sets an example for others who have, or will, go through similar events as they travel their own path.

Everyone lives by example.  Learn to erase negativity and replace it with the vibrant fiesta colors of party time, happiness, and lovingly positive thought which everyone can see.  Everything else is just elephant shit better shoveled out of that paddock we call a brain.  The smell will remain, but we'll be so much happier when we're not constantly stepping in it.

"The past is a great place and I don't want to erase it or to regret it, but I don't want to be its prisoner either."

-- Mick Jagger, singer, songwriter

Editor's Note

(Re: disclaimer cum "get out of jail free" card)

Before you go getting your panties in a bunch, it is essential to understand that this is just an opinion site and, as such, can be subjected to scrutiny by anyone with a differing opinion. It doesn't make either opinion any more right or wrong than the other. An opinion, presented in this context, is a way of inciting others to think and, hopefully, to form opinions of their own, if they haven't already done so. This is also why, occasionally, I will present an "opinion" just to stir an emotional pot. Where it may sound like I agree with the statements made, I'm more interested in getting others to consider another viewpoint. 

It is my fervent hope that we keep open and active minds when reading opinions and while engaging in peaceful and constructive discussion in an arena of mutual respect concerning those opinions put forth. After over twenty years with military intelligence, I have come to believe engaging each other in this manner and in this arena is the way we will learn tolerance and respect for differing beliefs, cultures, and viewpoints.

We all fall from grace, some more often than others; it is part of being human. God's test for us is what we learn from the experience, and what we do afterward.

Pastor Tony spent 23 years with United States Air Force Intelligence as a planner, analyst, briefer, instructor, and senior manager. He spent 17 years, following his service career, working with a world renowned Institutional Review Board helping to protect the rights of human subjects in pharmaceutical research. Ordained 1n 2013 as an "interfaith" minister, he founded the Congregation for Religious Tolerance in response to intolerance shown by Christians toward peaceful Islam. As the weapon for his war on intolerance he chose the pen, to wage his "battle" in the guise of the Congregation's official online blog, The Path, of which he is both author and editor. "The Path" offers a vehicle for commentary and guidance concerning one's own personal, spiritual, path toward peace and the final destination for us all. He currently resides in Pass Christian, Mississippi, where he volunteers as lead Chaplain and Chaplain Program Liaison, at the regional medical center.