My Sunday Thought for 11062016: Female Punching Bags - Beating up on Women

You promised to love me for better or worse. 

I didn't realize, then, 

You would treat me no better than badly, 

And I would deign to treat you worse.

A timely topic from one of my readers as it pertained to a recent sermon posted on the Monastery website by a fellow minister.  Since my head was already into analysis of his words of wisdom, I was ready to impart a few chosen words of my own for my readers.

Women as punching bags... I can't remember ever addressing this issue as a post of its own.  I think this is, in large part, because I have mentioned it in passing in so many of my posts.  But, isn't this the problem?  We seem to mention this offense in passing, as though it isn't worthy of more attention than a side note to our busy lives.  The only time I find myself addressing the topic is as a side note in my blog or in the course of my ministry as chaplain at the local medical center, especially in the Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder group I meet with there each Sunday.

I don't concern myself with the offender; I tend to dwell on the victim.  You see, not being a wife beater, I have no point of reference from which to address it.  Oh, I could cite all the psychobabble concerning it, and that would mean as much to anybody as a celibate priest counselling married couples on marriage or parenting issues.  He hasn't been there; he hasn't done that.  Have I struck a woman?  Yes, and I can excuse it by pleading self-defense, I can excuse it as an abused husband; I can excuse it in so many ways - too young, stress at work, loveless marriage, yadda, yadda, yadda... but it won't make it right.  I was weak and I allowed myself to be used and manipulated.  I was a coward, and I was wrong. 

"I was taught that, only a coward strikes a woman. Now days women are starting to beat on men, so I would have to qualify it by saying, only in self-defense and then only as a last resort. It is always better to take the high road, just turn around and walk away. Leave her standing in the driveway, screaming at your back as you leave. Like the bee, you can sting or fly away, and live to fly another day! Don't give in to violence. This is true for everyone, not just men."

-- Teenage Dating Abuse, "The Path" (posted 08/09/13)

Men are from Mars and we have a hard time coming to grips with the fact that Venusian women can dominate our emotions no matter how hard we try to prevent it.  Many men are able to cope with the occasional intrusion into our inner sanctorum, our private most secret place where we thought we could hide our emotions.  A growing few find themselves threatened by the very thought of such a trespass even though they bring it upon themselves, and even though their unwitting victim is unaware of any suspected offense.  A weak minded coward will seize upon this victim as an outlet for their own sadistic tendencies or as payback for an offense they may have suffered, real or imagined.

A woman might see something in the man she feels is worthy of her emotion, and she is willing to overlook any negatives as minutia to be worked upon after the relationship is solidified.  The man invites the weak willed, unwitting thief into his house under the guise of love, and then is confronted by her desire to have him change in ways he had not anticipated.  This can end one of three ways.  They can reach an amicable agreement, since they understand any good relationship is about give and take.  They can mutually agree to end the relationship, since it was an ill-conceived idea from the onset. Worse, one or the other tries to mentally and physically beat the individuality from their unsuspecting victim, to mold them into what they really wanted; to change them.  They exert a twisted definition of control which demands superiority, and domination over their "loved" one, which can degrade from mental abuse to physical abuse in short order.  Not that I have anything against a little domination, a little friendly game of pain and pleasure, I just think mutual consent, leather, whips, handcuffs and a good bottle of wine should be involved.  Call me silly and old fashioned.

"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed."

-- Albert Einstein

My marriage was destroyed, but not before I beat the knuckles of both hands bloody on the concrete and cinderblock walls of several houses.  Infliction of pain upon me was the only way I could maintain control of my sanity while ineffectively trying to salvage a marriage doomed from the beginning.  As many of my friends put it, the only person who didn't know this marriage was over before it began... was me.  Beating on concrete was my way of not beating on her.  Hindsight being what it is, we would have both been better served to end the mental abuse we were inflicting on each other.  She would be free to find what she really wanted, and I would be free to find someone who actually wanted a stable relationship.  If we'd done this we could have, probably, remained great friends and continued to have a better relationship for each other and the kids.

I have learned that change is not a necessity for either party.  What is required is the honest attempt by both people to realize differences and embrace them wherever possible, dismissing those which you cannot.  Be friends, and then be lovers.  If you can't be friends, then the relationship it is all about other horseshit not conducive to a good, long term, relationship.

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.

-- Katharine Hepburn

In my case we were both victims; her because of my anger and frustration, and me because of her to use me and mentally abuse me for twenty-four years.  Yes, I was that dense.  I not only suffered the mental cruelty of it, but I also suffered from the "never say die" syndrome.  I foolishly thought she would, one day, come around.  I suppose this is what women suffer from when they stay with a man that beats them mercilessly while telling everyone how much he really loves her, or that it's just the stress of his job, or some other bullshit they've convinced themselves is the reason for becoming some moron's punching bag.  You convince yourself that he'll change, and he'll convince himself you're really that stupid.  Who do you think is right?  

“The scars from mental cruelty can be as deep and long-lasting as wounds from punches or slaps but are often not as obvious. In fact, even among women who have experienced violence from a partner, half or more report that the man’s emotional abuse is what is causing them the greatest harm.”

-- Lundy Bancroft, author, domestic abuse consultant

I came to realize, over time, that my upbringing was perfectly on point.  Life is all about choices.  Do you stay or do you go, and what are the consequences of the wrong decision.  For the man, the real man, it is all about self-control and remembering, above all else, abusing someone weaker than you accomplishes nothing save proving how small a person you really are.  If someone weaker and smaller than you is causing you frustration or anger, leave; they obviously don't love you as you would like, so be man enough to get out before one of you does something stupid.  Hey, everyone makes mistakes in love, be a man and own up to the mistake and accept whatever consequences you have to in order to end the relationship.

Women need to realize that being the punching bag for a moron makes them look like a doormat to all of their friends and family.  Only a masochist would stay in this relationship and actually enjoy it.  You'll know the difference when you look in the mirror and see the spiked dog collar around your neck with the leash attached to it, a tattoo across your breasts saying "Property of George," and the latest red welts from the belt he's laid across your ass while you writhed with pleasure (hopefully there was the aforementioned obligatory outfits of leather and bottle of wine).  If, however, what you see staring back at you is a haggard, tired, miserable and sad reflection of a former self, you are nothing more than a doormat for an abusive moron and it sucks being you.  I'm just saying.

“Doormatitis: door-mat-i-tis noun; low self-worth. A learned behavior where the infected person allows others to walk all over them, blame them, treat them terribly, always giving the boundary crossers the benefit of the doubt. They make excuses for them, They will give in to guilt and intimidation and give the boundary crossers what they want again and again."

-- P.A. Speers, author

A woman has to realize this kind of abuse isn't necessary, much less legal, for her happiness.  As much as she might like to believe it, this is not what being a real man is all about.  She is in a relationship with a coward, the lowest form of humanity, a person who gets off on the pain of another.  If you feel there is no escape, you would be sadly mistaken.  There are numerous organizations willing to assist you in escaping this abuse, but you might start with concerned friends and family.

A male has to realize there is more to being a man than having the applicable genitals and an ability to grunt while scratching them.  Being a real man is a mindset based on a foundation of respect for self, others, and society.  It requires grooming, manners, a sense of morality, and an ethical code to protect those not capable of protecting themselves.  

Real men are seemingly few and far between, yet so set apart from the herd as to be recognizable at a glance.  It is seen in how they carry themselves, how they treat those around them, and the particular respect they show for the gentler sex.  Their title as a "real man" is solidified when they reach for that tissue during the chick flick, or when Bambi's father dies.  They're the man who makes dinner, sets the table, lights the candle, and pours two glasses of wine all for the woman he's been with long enough that she wouldn't expect it, and he does it after working his ass off all day.  This is the sign of a real man.  

The question the woman has to ask herself is, "Why?"  Why she is in a bad relationship, why does she deserve better, or why is she deserving of the candlelight dinner?  Asking herself why can answer what she did that brought her to this point, this consequence of her actions or inactions to circumstances.  These consequences are her positive or negative reinforcements to either continue to make the good choices or to make better choices for better outcomes.  The choice is hers, and she has to be the one to make the decision and take the action.

Before you say there's no good men just make sure you're a good woman. Sometimes you attract the lifestyle you live.

-- Mario Tomasello

Women become punching bags as a matter of choice; the choice to be with him, the choice to stay with him, and the choice to excuse him.  With these choices comes the consequence of accepting that you are a victim, that pain is simply a part of life, and that this life is simply a prelude to a possible death at the hands of the abuser.  She wants him to change.  He wants her to buck up and take it.  Who needs to make a better choice to change their consequences?  I would say, both of them.  The woman for obvious reasons, but the man also needs to be confronted with his offenses and be made to come to a realization that he is not acting like a good man, and he needs help. 

“Objectification is a critical reason why an abuser tends to get worse over time. As his conscience adapts to one level of cruelty—or violence—he builds to the next. By depersonalizing his partner, the abuser protects himself from the natural human emotions of guilt and empathy, so that he can sleep at night with a clear conscience. He distances himself so far from her humanity that her feelings no longer count, or simply cease to exist. These walls tend to grow over time, so that after a few years in a relationship my clients can reach a point where they feel no more guilt over degrading or threatening their partners than you or I would feel after angrily kicking a stone in the driveway.”

-- Lundy Bancroft

Editor's Note 

(re: disclaimer cum "get out of jail free" card) 

Before you go getting your panties in a bunch, it is essential to understand that this is just an opinion site and, as such, can be subjected to scrutiny by anyone with a differing opinion. It doesn't make either opinion any more right or wrong than the other. An opinion, presented in this context, is a way of inciting others to think and, hopefully, to form opinions of their own, if they haven't already done so. This is also why, occasionally, I will present an "opinion" just to stir an emotional pot. Where it may sound like I agree with the statements made, I'm more interested in getting others to consider another viewpoint. 

It is my fervent hope that we keep open and active minds when reading opinions and then engaging in peaceful, constructive, discussion in an arena of mutual respect concerning the opinions put forth. After over twenty years with military intelligence, I have come to believe engaging each other in this manner and in this arena is the way we will learn tolerance and respect for differing beliefs, cultures, and viewpoints.

We all fall from grace, some more often than others; it is part of being human. God's test for us is what we do afterward, and what we learn from the experience.

Pastor Tony spent 22 years with Air Force Intelligence as a planner, analyst, briefer, and instructor. He is founder of the Congregation for Religious Tolerance and author/editor of the Congregation's official blog site, "The Path," which offers a vehicle for commentary and guidance concerning one's own personal, spiritual, path toward peace and the final destination.