All the Wrong Places

Well, I've spent a lifetime lookin' for you; 

singles bars and good time lovers were never true. 

Playin' a fools game hopin' to win; 

and tellin' those sweet lies and losin' again. 

I was lookin' for love in all the wrong places, 

Lookin' for love in too many faces, 

searchin' their eyes and lookin' for traces 

of what I'm dreamin' of. 

Hopin' to find a friend and a lover; 

I'll bless the day I discover

another heart lookin' for love.

-- Wanda Mallette, Bob Morrison, Patti Ryan - Lookin' for Love

When I was young, I spent an inordinate amount of time trying to "hook-up" with young ladies.  More times than not, and typical of young men, the brain below my belt took control of my God-given good sense, and any expectation for quality would take second-seat to the more base desires.  I thought getting married would solve this personality flaw but, instead, I became a marital statistic.  I think a good many of us, men and women, fall prey to this flaw.  So what's to be done?  How do we find a quality "life partner" that will give us a lasting, loving relationship?  Start by loving yourself, and good luck with that.

 A dear friend of mine, a minister, beat herself up over this issue of finding someone special.  She told me if my advice was to try going to church instead of the local bar, she was coming over to my place with her favorite cast iron skillet and smack me upside the head.  Knowing that her promised visit wasn't to cook me a meal of fried chicken or catfish, I opted not to give her my response.  But, what is my answer?  My answer is just my own humble opinion.  

I have spent the best part of my life watching military folks, and those in the private sector, going in all the wrong directions looking for that special someone and failing, as I did.  I saw two common denominators in almost all of these bad relationships:  Expectations and hunting grounds.

Expecting society's ideal of Adonis or Venus to show up in one's life is a crapshoot at best and a national Powerball lottery at worst.  When "expecting" perfection one must first ask if you can reasonably expect perfection to, also, find you attractive.  The minute you ask this question, you have failed yourself.  Why are you basing any serious relationship on looks, to begin with?  Yet, we continue to do this and continue to have crappy relationships based on everything both parties have brought to the table, mainly... zip.  So let's try to leave our expectations of beauty at the door and pay attention to the other thing neither party brings to the table: Honesty.  Really?  You think you bring that with you?  Be honest.

I can't count the people I've known that have been "honest" with a partner going into a relationship and been screwed because they weren't even honest with themselves.  When you do this you bring your own gullibility to the table instead of the honesty you thought you were bringing.  Where did it all go wrong?  That rousing night of sex that came right after he said, "Well, I'm actually looking for a serious relationship as well!"  The unfortunate downside for young women I've seen go through this, is they think it's necessary to have children by every man that throws this line of bullshit out there.  I think most of us can agree a serious relationship isn't predicated on sex.  It is, however, more about friendship, love, and that elusive honesty.

And have you ever been hunting?  You know when a typical hunter sees that long-awaited stag to mount over the mantle?  Well, okay, for me this usually happened after hunting season was over, of course.  After hunting season, you'll see a big buck with a great rack one on every backwoods hike, and they'll come right up to eat out of your hand just to piss you off.  The fish start biting when you've out of bait, and you'll hit the jackpot when you only have one quarter left to put in the slot, which nets you about a buck.  The max bet, however, which wasn't a quarter, would have netted you around $50,000.  

Stop gambling, fishing, and hunting for the "right" person to come into your life.  I have found that when I stop expecting, most stuff just happens.  Try just being you with everyone around you.  Let everyone know you're available for a serious relationship and sit back to see who bites.  It the right person comes along you'll know it because they'll have lots in common and some staying power.  As for sex, you'll know when it's time and it doesn't have to be right away.  Whoever said it did?  And, who the hell ever told young women they need to breed with every rutting buck in the forest?  Jeeze!  They make condoms and the "pill" for a reason, girls!  Utilize them!

This is all easy for one to say if you're a spring chicken and have the rest of your life to wait for that special someone if I'm right.  But, what if you're on the downhill slope of life and don't really want to spend the rest of it alone if I'm wrong?  Well, I know it sounds cold and trite but, it sucks being you.  I know because it sucked being me for a very long time.  But, hey, life is all about risk and reward.  Sometimes you risk and fail, but if you don't risk there can be no chance of reward.  So, you risk, and risk, and risk, and there never seems to be any reward.  Well, get over it, or try something else, and keep trying something else.  Or, just try to be happy.  Honesty is a tough road for the best of us.  It's still a tough road for me.  My honesty is to warn everyone from the onset, I'm a sinner and a hypocrite.  I give great advice and, like most people that do, I fail more than I succeed.  But, at least I give it my best shot.  Hope for the best, plan for the worst and, if you must, settle for somewhere in-between and count your blessings.    

Sometimes life isn't all about you being miserable in some lifelong relationship with a body you aren't with for any of the right reasons.  Sometimes life is about you realizing you can be happy just being happy, and you can actually be happy alone.  Sometimes life deals you that terrific hand where you can actually have short term relationships full of fun and frolic and one night stands, making them breakfast in the morning, and planning for another tryst if you found them interesting.  If it doesn't work out, oh well.  Apologize and thank them for a wonderful time, then show them to the door so you can get on with a little "me time" in your own space and having some well-deserved rest after showing your date tricks they never knew, or learning new tricks you wish you hadn't.

My goodness, it makes one wonder why anyone would strive for a humdrum "serious relationship."  But, there are many positive aspects to a monogamous relationship, and those that strive for monogamy know what those positives are.  The positives are generally similar but can specifically differ for most people due to individual expectations.  There's that word again.  For the most part, it is in these specific differences that, I think, relationships founder.  What we usually hear from the offended party is, "They lied to me." we rarely hear, "I didn't know," or "I had no idea," or "I'm an idiot."  Much easier to blame the other party for our shortcomings.    Wouldn't it be nice if one could just be honest and own that they were gullible, that they were too naive to be aware of what was going on around them?  Wouldn't it be nice to honestly state, "I just need to sleep with someone, and I'd like it to be you."  Does that line ever work?

So, where do you look for love, for that serious relationship based on common interests and thought?  Okay, church for one, or clubs, or work if they allow office relationships.  But, there are so many other places.  How about letting quality dating sites that cater to like-minded people do the lion's portion of work for you?  They can separate most of the wheat from the chaff.  Emails are for you to respond to or ignore, and you can block and report the occasional moron that may slip through their filters.  I think these sites allow for a safer introduction than just throwing caution to the wind and going out with some "Joe Bag O'Doughnuts" you met in line at the over-priced coffee shop or after that fifth beer at the local pub.  

Personally, if you are a good judge of character, I've had great luck in the supermarket while perusing the vegetable and meat departments.  I find women seem to be attracted to men that know how to cook, especially those that steer them away from what might turn out to be a bad menu choice and into something simpler which will allow them some relaxation time.  And the opening, here, is so obvious it hurts, "I'd be happy to show you how to do this... perhaps, tonight, over a light Pinot Noir Blanc?'"

Where not to look for love?  Bars, nightclubs, parties, sporting events, and anywhere else that alcohol flows freely, especially Tequila which doesn't make my clothes fall off (an ugly prospect, I'll admit) but it does make me forget what I did for most of the evening, and that can be just as ugly, especially if you're looking for anything serious other than a night in the drunk tank, or a DWI, DUI, WHWI, or that hangover which demands one fall to bended knee and pay homage to the god of the porcelain throne.  Oh, you might be wondering what a "WHWI" is? Well, I found out the police here in my sleepy little town might stop me for Walking Home While Intoxicated, as well.  One just can't seem to catch a break.

I used a photo at the beginning of this post because it shows Caucasians, Vietnamese, Mexicans, and Cubans that have all managed to find a personal relationship that, for the most part, works.  Not everything happens overnight.  Not everything we work for works out like we planned.  Many times our best plans are overtaken by events that are beyond our control.  But, I'd like to believe people with patience eventually find each other.

Be happy.  Be happy with what you have, not in what you want.  The happiness we seek is right in front of us.  We are usually too busy looking for it to see it, and it's usually not what we expected when we finally find it.

It is what it is until it isn't, and then it is what it is again.

Editor's Note

(Re: disclaimer cum "get out of jail free" card)

Before you go getting your panties in a bunch, it is essential to understand that this is just an opinion site and, as such, can be subjected to scrutiny by anyone with a differing opinion. It doesn't make either opinion any more right or wrong than the other. An opinion, presented in this context, is a way of inciting others to think and, hopefully, to form opinions of their own, if they haven't already done so. This is also why, occasionally, I will present an "opinion" just to stir an emotional pot. Where it may sound like I agree with the statements made, I'm more interested in getting others to consider an alternate viewpoint. 

It is my fervent hope that we keep open and active minds when reading opinions and while engaging in peaceful and constructive discussion, in an arena of mutual respect, concerning those opinions put forth. After over twenty years with military intelligence, I have come to believe engaging each other in this manner and in this arena is the way we will learn tolerance and respect for differing beliefs, cultures, and viewpoints.

We all fall from grace, some more often than others; it is part of being human. God's test for us is what we learn from the experience, and what we do afterward.

Pastor Tony spent 22 years with United States Air Force Intelligence as a planner, analyst, briefer, instructor, and senior manager. He spent 17 years, following his service career, working with the premier, world renowned, Institutional Review Board helping to protect the rights of human subjects involved in pharmaceutical research. Ordained 1n 2013 as an "interfaith" minister, he founded the Congregation for Religious Tolerance in response to intolerance shown by Christians toward peaceful Islam. As the weapon for his war on intolerance he chose the pen, and wages his "battle" in the guise of the Congregation's official online blog, The Path, of which he is both author and editor. "The Path" offers a vehicle for commentary and guidance concerning one's own personal, spiritual, path toward peace and the final destination for us all. He currently resides in Pass Christian, Mississippi, where he volunteers as lead Chaplain and Chaplain Program Liaison, at the regional medical center.

Sermon for Sunday - August 24, 2014: God, Religion, and Little Green Men

"The rash assertion that 'God made man in His own image' is a ticking time bomb at the foundation of many faiths, and as the hierarchy of the universe is disclosed to us, we may have to recognize this chilling truth:  If there are any gods whose chief concern is man, they cannot be very important gads." 

-- Arthur C. Clarke, Space and the Spirit of Man (1965)

Did God create life on other planets?  Are we the only life created in God's image?  What bearing will our discoveries of other life have on the Bible?  As we approach the middle of the second decade of the twenty-first century, we still struggle with questions concerning intelligent life on other planets.  That there is life is not as important, or of as much concern, as whether that life is intelligent.

First of all, I think we can discount much of the Bible as reflecting as much of man's ignorance as his vanity in thinking he could rewrite Holy Scripture throughout history to accommodate personal and political agendas.  New discoveries are bearing many of these theories out.  What else is new?

Much of what we know today has evolved from faulty information concerning the Earth being flat, being the center of our universe, being carried on the back of an elephant.  Man has this ability to evolve his belief set as new information becomes available.  Unfortunately, up to now, most scientists have left no room in their theories for change.  They have tended to make absolute statements.  This is actually a good thing, for those of us non-scientific types, because when they make an absolute statement you can pretty much bet good money they're going to be proven wrong sometime in the future.  If man can screw up science he can surely muck up translating and transcribing Holy Scripture.  Man is the most intelligent life in the universe?  God forbid.

"I believe alien life is quite common in the universe, although intelligent life is less so.  Some say it has yet to appear on planet Earth." 

-- Stephen Hawking

Man has used the science of modern astronomy and computers to extrapolate the number of possible planets with life on them.  The number is not accurate.  It is either much lower, or as many believe, much higher than we might expect since we have not been able to map most of what we cannot see, yet.  The theoretical number they have come up with is enough to garner man's interest for further study.  But, if life does exist out there are they intelligent enough to come here for a visit?  Are they close enough?

Many agree that any alien science of physics, and the ability to put it to practical use, would have to be a quantum leap ahead of anything we can approach.  Faster than light craft, folding space and time, and inter-dimensional travel are theories for us, but might an alien civilization have conquered one of these?  And, if they have, what does that say about God creating us in His image?  What does it say about our place in the universe?

We historically find that what was once theory to be scoffed becomes a possible reality to be studied and expanded upon.  Let's accept, for sake of argument, there is intelligent life elsewhere in the universe.  Are we so naive as to think, looking at the mess out planet is in today, we are the best an omnipotent God can do?  If so, what does that say about our God?  

Let's also consider that God gave all creatures the latent ability to evolve into more than they are.  Let us consider that this evolution might eventually give birth to creative thought and self-awareness.  Let us also consider that this self-awareness might give birth to philosophy and a God concept.  If God did, in fact, create thousands of planets capable of supporting intelligent life it would also make sense that this omnipotent God would spread the wealth of knowledge throughout all of creation.  Why put all of your eggs in one basket?  With all of our problems here on Earth, I would hope there is help on the way from some neighbor that has managed to do better.

"The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren't any space aliens.  We can't be the best that creation has to offer.  I pray we're not all there is.  If so, we're in big trouble." 

-- Ellen DeGeneres

If our religions, spirituality can come to grips with the possibility that we are not alone in the vastness of space, it would be something we could proclaim as having in common.  Hell, even an Atheist can get on board with it.  But, does this possibility bring with it grave danger?  If these aliens are advanced enough to visit us they will certainly have the ability to conquer or destroy us.  Having witnessed the horrors man can inflict on his own kind we would have to consider the real possibility that other life may have their own version of Nazis and ISIS.  If they have already been here, and they're not interested in peaceful contact, what are they waiting for?

Maybe there really are no aliens capable of visiting Earth.  Maybe they're already here and have an alternate agenda for colonization.  Maybe their society has grown beyond the need for war and destruction, or maybe they just want to add our uniqueness to their own.  As a famous science fiction alien race proclaims, "We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own.  Resistance is futile."

"Others, one suspects, are afraid that the crossing of space, and above all contact with intelligent but nonhuman races, may destroy the foundations of their religious faith.  They may be right, but in any event their attitude is one which does not bear logical examination -- for a faith which cannot survive collision with the truth is not worth many regrets." 

-- Arthur C. Clarke

In the final analysis will Christianity be the only religion to ultimately have issues with the discovery of intelligent alien life in the universe?  Many Christians fear such a discovery would be an attack on the very scripture we based the religion and faith of millions on; a book we are just now discovering may not be all that we hoped it to be.  If we are to ever understand, discover, and confront alien species, we will have to leave preconceived, conceited notions of our lofty place in the universe behind.  We will have to approach the notion of alien life with an open mind.  The Catholic Church is already accepting much of science as proof of God, and setting aside the historical viewpoint of heresy.  Science does not have to be an assault on God and faith.  Again, if science can prove God, and if God created everything from nothing, how truly vain is it for us to hold ourselves above other life?

"All the powers in the universe are already ours.  It is we who have put our hands before our eyes and cry that it is dark." 

-- Swami Vivekananda

I think it will be a hilarious kick in the teeth if, one day, an alien race comes to Earth and offers to share their science, technology, and religion, and when they open their holy scripture and begin to read we are all treated to, "In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth..."  After all, earth is being referred to as the surface of a planet.  Why does it just have to mean this planet?

"As I looked, behold, a stormy wind came out of the north, and a great cloud, with brightness around it, and fire flashing forth continually, and in the midst of the fire, as it were gleaming metal.  And from the midst of it came the likeness of four living creatures.  And this was their likeness:  they had a human likeness,..." 

Ezekiel 1:1-28

Note from Pastor Tony, the founder of the Congregation for Religious Tolerance, as well as the author and editor of "The Path," the Congregation's official blogsite:  

Before you go getting your panties in a bunch, it is essential to understand that this is just an opinion site and, as such, can be subjected to scrutiny by anyone with a differing opinion.  It doesn't make either opinion any more right or wrong than the other.  An opinion, presented in this context, is a way of inciting others to think and, hopefully, to form opinions of their own, if they haven't already done so.

It is my fervent hope that we keep open and active minds when reading opinions and then engaging in peaceful, constructive, discussion and debate in an arena of mutual respect concerning the opinions put forth.  After over twenty years as a military intelligence analyst, planner, and briefer, I have come to believe engaging each other in this manner and in this arena is the way we will learn tolerance and respect for differing beliefs, cultures, and viewpoints.

We all fall from grace, some more often than others; it is part of being human.  God's test for us is what we do afterward, and what we learn from the experience.
  

Frank Anthony Villari, Pastor

Mondays Bite

“Monday is the yardstick against which all that is unpleasant is measured.”

-- Lou Brutus, radio personality, musician

Preface:  A dear friend of mine sent me the following two emails a while back.  I included the second one as evidence that, at this particular time in space, her hit parade just seemed to keep on giving, or taking, depending on your view (half empty or half full).  She gave me permission to use them in this post and I appreciated her confidence that I wouldn't muck up the effort.  Truth is, I let her read and approve it prior to publishing anything, just to be sure everything was copasetic.  I always get approval.  Her confidence in me was greater than my own, however, and it still is.  I am still, humbly, my own worst critic.

Email 1:

Hi Tony,

Some Mondays suck ass. Today was one. My car overheated this past weekend. Apparently, when it last had service a month ago, they failed to refill the coolant. Left the reservoir empty, on its side, not even where it belonged. Burnt my thermostat instead of my engine. I am thankful, I still have transportation to get to work.  Brilliant. I made sure they knew I work for lawyers. They picked it up on a tow truck this morning. Bringing me a rental at 7:45 tomorrow morning. 

Will it ever get easy Tony? Some people seem to live happy on easy street. I can't find directions there and it is frustrating. I know life is a beautiful struggle, but I am simply tired of struggling. I am not wanting life handed to me on a silver platter, I'm not stupid, just tired of the struggle.  I do not discount my blessings, I am thankful that I have a job, a roof, my health. Its the rest I struggle with. Every day I smile, find nice things to say to others, offer to help, and there is no one who refills my bucket. Why Tony??

Email 2:

Bob had a very tough reentry into his "life" yesterday. He is ready to retire to Quebec. Instead, he has union negotiations today.  I am not ready for him to retire to Canada, only because of my own selfishness, I don't want him to leave.   Talk about a struggle, I finally meet a man who isn't scared, and my luck, he will leave the country. Ha!!!

********************************** 

"Why, Tony?"  Okay, first of all, I brought this on myself as I always tell people to ask the only important question, "Why?"  Quite a few people have thrown this back at me like a hot topic they really don't want to handle.  No one does.  The answer usually comes back as a self-accusation of them of not owning their own issues.  Having been through this myself, I understand the "why" of it.  So, let me see if I can work through this... again.

“Your Monday morning thoughts set the tone for your whole week. See yourself getting stronger, and living a fulfilling, happier & healthier life.”

-- Germany Kent, journalist, author, actress

Some Mondays suck?  Hell, pick a day of the week and it will have the opportunity to absolutely excel in the "suck" arena.  There will always be days that suck.  It is part of life; yin and yang, good and bad, light and dark, sweet and sour, and so on.  For everything, there is an opposite; balance in the universe.  Some days are terrific and some days just, well, as she so colorfully puts it, "suck ass."

On the positive side and, speaking as a man, this is a very big positive; all of this crap with the car could have been a hell of a lot worse.  As it is, the repair folks seem to admit they're shortcoming and are making it right.  This should not cost anything to have corrected.  I emphasize this lack of any fee, as she, at the time, worked for lawyers:  It should not cost anything for them to make their mistake right.  Is it an inconvenience?  Of course, it is.  But, you can't be upset over that which you have no control - the inconvenience.  Smile over the fact that it could have been much worse and wasn't.  Everything she is thankful for, concerning this "hiccup," is spot on.

“Monday is a new experience waiting to be enjoyed.”

-- Anthony T. Hincks, author, saftety representative

Will it ever get easy?  This is the answer, my opinion, no one wants to listen to.  They don't want to listen to it because it isn't difficult enough.  And that is my answer:  It was never difficult!  We tend to move off of "easy street" through our own choices, ignorance, or denial.  This is the reason I tell people to not dwell on the what, or how, of something until you can understand the why of it.  What caused you to make a particular choice is not near as important as why, in God's name, you made the choice.  I can dwell forever on what caused me to do something stupid, or I can understand why I'm a dumbass and move on with a promise to try and not be a dumbass again.  Once I understand and take ownership that I am, in fact, a dumbass, I can start to work on making smarter choices by not letting the cause, what happened, rule my decision-making processes.  Solve the why of things and everything else in life should fall into place.

“Monday. Given that it means 'day of the moon,' you'd think there'd be more butts involved.”

-- Wataru Watari, author, anime writer

So, are there directions to "easy street?"  That depends on the individual and how much they're willing to open their mind to what they don't want to admit or understand.  I seem to always be using the adage, "You simply can't see the forest for the trees."  Once you open your mind to being honest with yourself, the answer is right in front of you.  Once you get into the habit of defaulting to you as the being the "why" of an issue, your quantum leap to answers will become, as it should be, a quantum step.

If you're tired of struggling, then life is not a "beautiful struggle."  It has become tiresome and ugly.  Why?  We see the obvious answer pour forth, above, as my friend has already worked this out in her own mind and now puts it out there in order to own it:  "...only because of my own selfishness..."  How does she know this?  She isn't ready for him to retire.  She doesn't want him to leave.  Yet, and here comes the kick in the teeth, it is his life and he has not included her in it.

"I want to make coming home your favorite part of the day. I want to leave tiny little words lingering in your mind, on nights when you’re far away and can’t sleep. I want to make everything around us beautiful; make small things mean a little more. Make you feel a little more. A little better, a little lighter. The coffee is warm, this cup is yours. I want to be someone you can’t live without."

-- Charlotte Eriksson, author, songwriter

She mentions her "luck."  Luck?  I'm not sure what luck has to do with happiness.  If you don't have what you want or need at this moment you make a fool's bet to hope you have what you want or need in the next.  It's what they call, "betting on the come,"  betting on what might happen, instead of dealing with why it is.  Happiness is all around us and has little to do with luck.  Many of us deny happiness because it doesn't take the form we want it to.  This might be why many of us don't feel happy.  Maybe our expectations, our definition of happiness, needs to be adjusted.  Maybe we're either expecting too much or just trying too damned hard to grasp at something we already own.

"Every day I smile, find nice things to say to others, offer to help, and there is no one who refills my bucket."  I think I know this beautiful soul enough to confirm this is exactly who she is.  No one can give and give and give without feeling the stress of it sooner or later.  We don't give of ourselves with the expectation of some future recompense as we would view that, in itself, as being selfish.  We do it because it is who we are, and we can suffer emotional "burn out" because of it.  If we know happiness and humbly accept the gratitude of those we help, our buckets always refill.  The more good people we have in our lives helps speed the process up, but our bucket will refill if we accept their "help."  Sometimes, we need to recognize that, perhaps, we have been giving too much of ourselves and emptying our bucket faster than it can refill.  We risk giving away more of ourselves than we can afford.  We risk going into emotional debt.  We risk losing control, and this can be a deadly consequence if we aren't honest enough with ourselves, and others, to admit it.  Well, this really isn't rocket science.  SLOW DOWN!  Take more time for you and more time for a refill.  Teach those in need to help themselves so you can have more time to help you.

As for those others we wish were in our lives to help?  Sometimes they can be less help than a hindrance.  But, having that, a smile, nice things to say, and your giving personality can only be added to with an aura of happiness.  Happiness is very attractive to men or women.  

So, it seems I've come back to the original question of why no one is around to refill your bucket.  No one has to be, as it is your bucket; you need to own it.  Take a breath every now and then.  Find happiness which is right in front of you and stop worrying about "someone" not there.  Stop "betting on a come" and get out there amongst them English.  Let yourself be seen for the bright, intelligent, happy, and caring woman, you truly are.  Be the beacon of light in the sea of mediocrity.

"Why, Tony?"  Me, trying to answer this question of the ages.  I am, humbly, not all that, but I will give it my best shot.  Keep asking the right kind of men out on dates, or wait for the right kind of man, or woman, to ask you.  From what I've seen, the bait you're using is fine.  Accept that life is what it is, and be ready to accel; to set the hook.  You are so very right in not discounting your blessings, as you seem to have everything you need well in hand.  Are you alone?  By your definition, I suppose so, yes.  A lot of people would agree with your analysis and, probably, these are folks who actually enjoy their own "significant others" and are not struggling with your issue. 

There are so many fish still swimming in this sea, also looking for that special someone, though, so you might consider you're simply fishing in the wrong spot.  Maybe you should be moving to a different fishing spot, like Canada.  Just saying.

“Success is to wake up each morning and consciously decide that today will be the best day of your life.”

-- Ken Poirot, author, entrepreneur, speaker

Editor's Note

(Re: disclaimer cum "get out of jail free" card)

Before you go getting your panties in a bunch, it is essential to understand that this is just an opinion site and, as such, can be subjected to scrutiny by anyone with a differing opinion. It doesn't make either opinion any more right or wrong than the other. An opinion, presented in this context, is a way of inciting others to think and, hopefully, to form opinions of their own, if they haven't already done so. This is also why, occasionally, I will present an "opinion" just to stir an emotional pot. Where it may sound like I agree with the statements made, I'm more interested in getting others to consider an alternate viewpoint. 

It is my fervent hope that we keep open and active minds when reading opinions and while engaging in peaceful and constructive discussion, in an arena of mutual respect, concerning those opinions put forth. After over twenty years with military intelligence, I have come to believe engaging each other in this manner and in this arena is the way we will learn tolerance and respect for differing beliefs, cultures, and viewpoints.

We all fall from grace, some more often than others; it is part of being human. God's test for us is what we learn from the experience, and what we do afterward.

Pastor Tony spent 22 years with United States Air Force Intelligence as a planner, analyst, briefer, instructor, and senior manager. He spent 17 years, following his service career, working with the premier, world renowned, Institutional Review Board helping to protect the rights of human subjects involved in pharmaceutical research. Ordained 1n 2013 as an "interfaith" minister, he founded the Congregation for Religious Tolerance in response to intolerance shown by Christians toward peaceful Islam. As the weapon for his war on intolerance he chose the pen, and wages his "battle" in the guise of the Congregation's official online blog, The Path, of which he is both author and editor. "The Path" offers a vehicle for commentary and guidance concerning one's own personal, spiritual, path toward peace and the final destination for us all. He currently resides in Pass Christian, Mississippi, where he volunteers as lead Chaplain and Chaplain Program Liaison, at the regional medical center. 

Sermon for Sunday - August 17, 2014: Confession

Open confession is good for the soul.  

-- Scottish proverb

A confession is a statement of something a person would rather keep secret or not acknowledge.  Confession of a wrong is good for the soul to the extent that it mitigates the feeling of guilt one might have over a wrongdoing.  Is it necessary for salvation?  Probably not.  Jesus died for our salvation 2000 years ago.  But, is this the confession required of us by our faith?  

Confession is considered one of faith.  It is "a formal profession of belief and acceptance of doctrines."  We find this again and again in the Bible and it could be that this has been misunderstood throughout the ages as a need to confess sins, especially to the masses.  My belief of the Bible is based on man having written it, based on stories and beliefs of the activities of Jesus Christ.  How much of it is actually original writings of those that knew the prophet is in question.  How much of those writings that can be attributed to them and have not been altered to reflect differing agendas throughout history, or due to the inept abilities and lack of education of those monks transcribing and translating the documents is also in question.  It is already fairly clear that the King James Version of the Bible has many problems because of this.  If we accept that the Bible may not be all it is cracked up to be, then what we are left with is our own personal ability to separate that which makes no sense from that which Christ would more likely have meant.

"That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved."

-- Romans 10:9

 You know what is right.  You know how to act, treat other people, and live your life.  We are all born without sin and we carry this innate knowledge of righteousness within us.  Along with this is the knowledge that God already knows what we have done when we do it.  To confess to God what we have done is a tad ridiculous, bordering on self-serving if one does not understand it really isn't required of them.  What God does require is that you admit what you have done is wrong.  God already knows you know, God wants you to learn the lesson of it.  One can argue, as I have in the past, if God knows all then God already knows this.  And in the simple act of thinking this statement, I acknowledge my belief in God and my knowledge that everything I do God is aware of.  I have confessed with my mouth the Lord Jesus, and believe in my heart that God raised Him from the dead, and that I shall be saved.

"Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is good for dandruff - it is a palliative rather than a remedy."

-- Peter De Vries

I think that, in developing our "personal" relationship with God, we develop our desire to talk with the almighty about those things in our life of great importance to our continued salvation.  I say "continued" because we are already saved at birth, then begin to back slide as we encounter life events that test our resolve.  Our admissions to Jesus and through Him to God, of things we do wrong in our lives and our desire to do better as we move forward is our confession, admission of wrongdoing, and our desire for absolution.  We will determine our own penance in order to mitigate the guilt we feel over the wrong we have done.  It is much more important to God that we understand the why of what we did to fall from grace, and decide what we will do to not fall again, than it is to admit we have fallen.  God knows we have fallen.  The simple determination of what we will do in the future is our confession of falling.

"To all my non believing, sort-of-believing, and used-to-be-believing friends:  I feel like I should begin with a confession.  I am sorry that so often the biggest obstacle to God has been Christians."

-- Shane Clairborne

And, what of those that feel no guilt over something they have done?  What of those that choose to make excuses for their actions instead of owning them?  Even the atheist is given the innate knowledge of right and wrong.  What we do with that knowledge determine what kind of people we are.  Do we live and let live or do we take issue, as atheist organizations do, with how others live their faith or that they have faith at all?

In the end it will come down to self-judgment.  We will all have to stand, as we are confronted by reality, and come to grips with what we have believed in our lives.  Who will fall to their knees and weep, and who will look into the face of God and continue their disbelief?

"People seem not to see that their opinion of the world is also a confession of character."

-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Note:  As always this post is just opinion to encourage personal introspection.  We all have a opinion and should find a voice for it.  Are the opinions in this post correct?  Opinion is not fact.  One person's opinion is no more valid than another's.  What is more important is that you have one. 

ISIS: Everything Muhammad Is Not

Abu Musab al-Zarqawi

Abu Musab al-Zarqawi.  Memorize the face, and the name.  If you thought you knew what evil is, you can think again.  This creature, and the monsters that follow the terrorist organization ISIS, redefine evil for all of mankind.  The Nazis would tremble is the presence of these heretics.  If you thought radical Islam tossing aside the holy Qur'an in favor of some heretical Imam's interpretation of it and Islam as being the threat to world peace, think again.  Even Al-Qaeda says they want nothing to do with this group, although I think they will use them to help fulfill their own ends.  The big problem with radical Islam using ISIS?  Once you unleash a deadly virus into the world, it is very difficult to stop it.  It will even attack it's creator.

In the end, if radical Islam were to conquer the world, they would ultimately fail.  When all of the unbelievers are dead and gone, who will they dominate then?  It will ultimately have to feed on itself to survive and that will be the beginning of the end.  Radical Islam is a faith based on nothing that God desires.  It is a terrorist group that redefines Holy Scripture on a whim; what works this week may need to be redefined for operations next week, and so on.  They have turned the Qur'an into a living, breathing document that has little resemblance to the original document and, therefore, no meaning to these monsters other than as an excuse for their reign of terror as being in the name of Allah.  It is a sad reflection on a religion that has so much promise.

Those of us not affiliated with ISIS, Islam included, will ignore this threat in favor of sticking our collective heads in the sand and hoping it will go away.  Given a chance ISIS will sever you head at the neck and leave it in the sand to rot.  This is what they live for.  Muhammad and Allah want them to cut five year old children in half.  This is what they believe to be true.  This is the horror that in ISIS.  This is the horror of radical Islam that even radical Islam does not want to understand or admit.  Horror cannot be controlled.  These are the worst humanity has to offer.  If you were to take very insane sociopath, every "slice and dice" horror movie villain, and combine them together, the final product would pale in comparison to the reality of ISIS.

We are willing to let history repeat itself.  The Nazis are on the march again and we are satisfied to do what we did before and turn a blind eye to the threat.  We will lose millions of people when we finally wake up to this threat and have to deal with it.

The one good thing that may come from a World War III with ISIS is a realization throughout Islam that terror cannot be controlled and maybe living in peaceful tolerance might be a good thing.

Sunday Sermon - August 10, 2014: Life Mistakes

"Life is like a game of cards.  

The hand you are dealt is determinism; 

the way you play it is free will."

-- Jawaharial Nehru, former Prime Minister of India

Determinism is defined as "the doctrine that all events, including human action are ultimately determined by causes external to the will."  I believe Prime Minister Nehru is correct when he adds to this definition, "the way you play it is free will."  

Attached to this definition of determinism was another statement:  "Some philosophers have taken determinism to imply that individual human beings have no free will and cannot be held morally responsible for their actions."  Bullshit.  This is nothing but a phony "get out of jail free card" used by people without the moral fortitude to accept responsibility and ownership for any of their actions.  Taken to the extreme one could say that a woman has no control over saying no to, or fighting off, a rapist.  She has no free will, so she needs to accept the fact of rape as part of life.  The court can no more hold her accountable for just lying there and taking it any more than they can hold the rapist morally responsible for the rape.  Their actions are "determined by causes external to the will."   Is this interpretation correct?  Of course not; it is bullshit.  

Our need to act is, in fact, ultimately determined by causes external to the will.  I believe, however, that although the causality for our need to act is external to our will, the actions we decide to take due to the cause is our choice.  The choices we make may also be influenced, more than likely, by the environment in which we were raised.  Most of us were raised in a country with laws based on good moral conduct.  Whether or parents or guardians taught us to respect those moral laws as a guide to our conduct is really immaterial.  We grew up aware of them and, therefore, had some inkling that it was incumbent upon us to obey those laws or our country would decline into anarchy.  So, in this sense, one could make the old argument that "ignorance is no excuse."  If we know what is morally right, if we know the law, if we know the difference between good conduct and bad, we are still morally responsible for the actions that we take. 

So what is the difference between "legally" responsible and "morally" responsible?  I don't think it matters that it is the legally responsible thing to do.  Sometimes the legally responsible action flies in the face of one's moral obligations.  Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia, says this about moral responsibility:

People who have moral responsibility for an action are called moral agents. Agents are capable of reflecting on their situation, forming intentions about how they will act, and then carrying out that action. The notion of free will is an important issue in the debate on whether individuals are ever morally responsible for their actions and, if so, in what sense.  Incompatibilists think that determinism is at odds with free will, whereas compatibilists think the two can coexist. 

Moral responsibility is not necessarily the same as legal responsibility. A person is legally responsible for an event when it is that person who is liable to be penalised in the court system for an event. Although it may often be the case that when a person is morally responsible for an act, they are also legally responsible for it, the two states do not always coincide.

We see this all the time in our judicial system.  When it happens it is morally incumbent upon us to ensure the law is changed to reflect society's concern for moral responsibility.  We also discovered this during the Vietnam conflict when immoral orders were issued by commanding officers and followed, to the letter, by the soldiers.  What came out of this conflict would change the face of military conduct.  The oath for all military inductees reads:

"I, ____________, do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; and that I will obey the orders of the President of the United States and the orders of the officers appointed over me, according to the regulations and the Uniform Code of Military Justice. So help me God"

Lawrence Mosqueda, Ph.D., of The Evergreen State College in Olympia, Washington, has this to say about the Uniform Code of Military Justice (UCMJ) and how this oath is to be interpreted:

"The Uniform Code of Military Justice (UCMJ) 809[890].ART.90 (20), makes it clear that military personnel need to obey the "lawful command of his superior officer," 891.ART.91 (2), the "lawful order of a warrant officer", 892.ART.92 (1) the "lawful general order", 892.ART.92 (2) "lawful order". In each case, military personnel have an obligation and a duty to only obey Lawful orders and indeed have an obligation to disobey Unlawful orders, including orders by the president that do not comply with the UCMJ. The moral and legal obligation is to the U.S. Constitution and not to those who would issue unlawful orders, especially if those orders are in direct violation of the Constitution and the UCMJ."

So, we can see that somewhere down the line there is a leap from what is legal to what is moral, changes are made in order to bring them into line with one another, and a new legal interpretation emerges that takes into account society's moral expectations.

I started this sermon by discussing the similarity of life to a game of cards.  I play the game "Freecell" constantly.  As of this moment I am on a 153 game winning streak.  It is hard not to win, unless you give up.  The game allows you to go back if you make a mistake, or see a mistake coming, and try another tactic.  Life is like this.  If you make a mistake, all is not lost.  Back up, see where you went wrong, ask for help if necessary, and move forward to try again.  It is called learning, and it is something we don't require in schools any more.

Life is all about winning.  Winning is how you define it.  That you consider yourself a winner is all that really matters.  I have taken many things that didn't turn out quite the way I would have liked them to and taken into consideration how much worse they might have been before I finally make the comment, "I'll consider that a win."  How we live our lives is so very much more important than living life.  We will make mistakes, we are human.  As a human, you have a responsibility to either try and correct the mistake or, if that isn't possible, to learn from the mistake and move on with the intent to not repeat it.  It is your responsibility to you, to do these things.  It is your path, your life, your decisions, and your mistake when it all goes to hell in a handbasket.  We must step up and learn to accept ownership for our own lives. 

"For when the One Great Scorer comes,
To write against your name,
He marks - not that you won or lost -
But how you played the game."

-- Grantland Rice (1880-1954), American sportswriter

In the end, when Christ, the One Great Scorer, comes to write against your name, will you reflect upon how you lived your life?  You won't be judged on other people's opinions of you.  You will be judged by the guilt and fear, the selfishness you carry like a yolk around your neck, or the chains you drag that were forged by you in life as with the ghost of Jacob Marley in Dickens', "A Christmas Carol."  You will be your own worst enemy, or your own best friend.

God bless us all this wonderful Sunday!  Try to get outside and enjoy some of the miracles and beauty of nature that have been put here for our enjoyment.

Note:  As always, this is just my opinion.  Opinions are meant to stir the pot and illicit a response.  That response might be that you come up with an opinion of your own.  I hope this is the case. 

Wedding Officiant

"My advice to you is to get married.  If you find a good wife, you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher."

-- Socrates

Four centuries before Christ, and truer words were never spoken, as far as I'm concerned.  It has taken me almost thirty-eight years to understand what makes a good marriage. It took me twenty-four of those, and a nasty divorce, to understand what makes a bad one.  I spent the last forteen years philosophising about this and other aspects of what makes life worth living.  To this end I became a ordained, started my blog, and still philosophize.  

Philosophizing suits people that blog, but it seems amazing anyone ever reads a philosopher blogger's posts.  Consider the definition:  To speculate or theorize about fundamental or serious issues, especially in a tedious or pompous way.  When was the last time you heard someone say, "This is a very interesting article and I just love the author.  He is so tedious and pompous, you can't help but love him!"  Well, I'll cop to tedious.  Occasionally I'm an ass, but rarely a pompous one  (my friend Hilda will argue this point, I'm certain).

So, anyway, I was approached the other day by my local bartender who runs a dinner boat out of the local harbor,  She asked if I would be interested in performing a couple of weddings that have been scheduled on their boat.  Sounded like it would be fun.  This idea of performing a marriage was the impetus behind my last post, "Marriage or Matrimony?" (The Path: Sunday Sermon - August 3, 2014: Marriage or Matrimony?)

Judith Johnson, an author and interfaith minister, posted an interesting article about wedding officiants.  I have included the URL if you'd like to read more.  The excerpt below gives the gist of the post.

(http://www.huffingtonpost.com/judith-johnson/what-is-a-wedding-officia_b_4098469.html)

"In the past, most weddings were conducted either by religious clergy or civil officiants such as judges, justices of the peace, and ship captains. In recent years, it has become popular to have a friend or family member be your wedding officiant. This is accomplished by going on-line to sign up for ministerial credentials with a religious group such as the Universal Life Church that offers them without any requirements of training, dogmatic beliefs, or religious/spiritual practice. Their only requirement is that you ask to be ordained. According to their website, they have granted over 20 million ordinations to date. On-line ordinations take advantage of the separation of church and state by limiting the legal right of the state to challenge the religious organization's authority and rules regarding to whom they grant ordination credentials. Some states and local jurisdictions, however, are beginning to challenge the legitimacy of on-line ordinations, so be sure to check out any controversy in the jurisdiction where you plan to be married."

She is absolutely on target with every comment she made.  I recommend anyone thinking of using a wedding officiant to do their homework and start by reading the article at the URL listed above.  The ULC, of which I am a monastery member and ordained minister, does not require anything of you except payment.  There are many good, qualified, and serious ministers in the ULC that only wish a venue for getting their version of the "word of God" into the light of day.  On the other hand, you can imagine the health number of people that just do it as a lark and the serious number of loons that make the entire idea of online ordination a screaming joke.  Does there need to be some weeding out of good from the bad?  Absolutely.  There should be tests and essays required.  Since my affiliation with the ULC, I have been an advocate that any serious minister should constantly post on the monastery blog.  They should most certainly have a blog of their own to evidence their serious conviction to their ministry.

The entire process has made me think about what my personal prerequisites are, before I consent to be a couple's wedding officiant.  Not to do so would be a disservice to myself, the couple, and the State in which I perform the ceremony.  The wedding coming up in just a couple of weeks will be my first and it is intimidating.  That I will give it my best shot is not an issue.  That I will post on the outcome?  Definitely.  That I know something about marriage, relationships, divorce, and hypocrisy?  Another resounding, yes!  Right out of the chalks, in life experience, I am fifty percent, or more, ahead of a Catholic priest on the subject.

I am willing to give these two weddings a fair shot.  Will I be proficient?  I will leave that up to the couple getting wed.  They will be my judge.  If I can't get the hang of it I won't do it, as it will, again, be a disservice to the couple and my own personal beliefs.

Sunday Sermon - August 3, 2014: Marriage or Matrimony?

"Nowadays love is a matter of chance, matrimony a matter of money and divorce a matter of course.

-- Helen Rowland (1875-1950, journalist and humorist

Is it going to be marriage or matrimony?  The two words are used interchangeably these days.  But, should they be and are they really the same?  Some would say not, and I am inclined to agree.

For Christians, entering into the "estate of holy matrimony" requires the ceremony be performed by a member of clergy, preferably in a church.  The union in this case is sanctified, made holy, as the couple believes their vows were made not only to each other, but to God.  Is it any wonder that the Christian faith frowns on divorce?  You not only lied to each other by not keeping your vows, you have also lied to God.

"I have a very strong feeling that the opposite of love is not hate - it's apathy.  It's not giving a damn."

-- Leo Buscaglia (1924-1998), author and motivational speaker

Marriage, on the other hand, relies on a government form, a marriage certificate.  Because the marriage certificate is a recorded government form, proving the union between two people that have made "vows" or promises to each other, it becomes a legal contract in a court of law which the allows either the right to sue the other for breach of contract.  Why in the world would one want to get married?  It also conveys a number of other civil rights like taxes, estate planning, and right to make decisions if the spouse in incapacitated and the like.  And there is always the fact that living with someone for a number of years conveys the right of "common law marriage" on the couple where you may not have a legal piece of paper proving marriage, but the legal argument can be made that, for all intents and purposes, you enjoyed all the rights and privileges so you deserve the same considerations, especially in divorce.

"If we take matrimony at it's lowest, we regard it as a sort of friendship recognised by the police."

-- Robert Louis Stevenson

When it comes to ending a marriage, whether you enter into the estate of holy matrimony or marriage, you have the same rights, in a civil court, to lose your ass.  In the estate of holy matrimony you have the added treat of burning in hell for lying to God.  Better if you have a civil marriage, right?

Using this argument, not wanting to risk lying to God, for having a civil marriage is like taking out life insurance.  Life insurance is a way for you to bank on the fact that you will die which is like going to a casino and, instead of gambling you just hand them over a check when you could put that check in the bank and plan on never dying.  If you don't die, all of the money and any dividends are there for retirement.  In the same light a civil marriage for the wrong reason is banking on the fact that you will be getting divorced and don't want to risk God's wrath.  I have bad news for those that go this route, God also believes in the legalities of civil union and common law marriage rules.  The intent exists so you're still going to be screwed, in every way except one.

"They say all marriages are made in heaven, but so are thunder and lightning."-- Clint Eastwood

For all intents and purposes marriage, holy matrimony, handfasting, Kiddushin, and any number of other words used for the ceremony, are simply words used to verbalize the deep feelings two people have for each other and their desire to spend the rest of their lives, on this plane of existence, together.  The legal contract notwithstanding, if you do not have a deep understanding of love, in particular the love for this one individual, as being the most important "till death do us part" event in your lives, do not marry this person!  Most certainly don't have children with them.  It will be a disservice to your partner, yourself, and to the children that will suffer for your selfishness.

"Perfect love is rare indeed - for to be a perfect lover will require that you continually have the subtlety of the very wise, the flexibility of the child, the sensitivity of the artist, the understanding of the philosopher, the acceptance of the saint, the tolerance of the scholar and the fortitude of the certain."

-- Leo Buscaglia

Nowadays, "divorce is a matter of course."  This statement was made by Helen Rowland before her death in 1950.  Contrary to popular press and belief, divorce is really on the decline.  As with everything based on statistics, it is all in how you manipulate the numbers to achieve your agenda.  While researching the numbers for this post I came across a much more important statement about those numbers and decided that the numbers really aren't that important other than to note they are, and have been, in decline.  The information I came across is a sobering reality in this country, and one that infects more than just minorities and those of low income or on welfare.  This is slowly becoming an epidemic eroding the American family and our society. Please, if you pay attention to nothing else in this post, understand the following paragraph.  Do not just read it, read it and understand it.  It is a sobering statement on who we have become and what we are doing to our children.  I feel for the children at the border, but this is about our home and our kids.  How can we hope to help others when our own house isn't in order?   

So, here is the sermon for this week: 

These numbers are not set in stone, and divorce rates mask entirely the social costs of failed marriages and broken families. For example, without a doubt, the so-called "feminization of poverty" includes, not only unmarried or never married single women struggling to raise their children as solo mothers, but also many divorced woman who are now struggling to manage as single custodial mothers. The children of these women often grow up in environments where the father is an occasional visitor or absent entirely. So often the children of divorce are at risk. An avalanche of data and statistics demonstrate "a wide variety of negative behavioral and education consequences" to children growing up in fatherless homes. Children from fatherless homes account for 63 percent of youth suicides, 71 percent of the pregnant teenagers, 90 percent of the homeless and runaway children, and 70 percent of the institutionalized juveniles. They account for 85 percent of the children with behavioral disorders, 80 percent of rapists, 71 percent of all high school dropouts, 75 percent of all adolescent patients in chemical abuse centers and 85 percent of all youths in prison. Using these numbers to study productively the impact of divorce on real people living real lives calls to mind a remark attributed to Albert Einstein, who said, "Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted." 

--  http://www.divorcesource.com/ds/main/u-s-divorce-rates-and-statistics-1037.shtml

In the final analysis, for me, what you call it is not at all important.  The ceremony is just that, a ceremony.  It is meaningless other than to announce to those around you of your intent to wed an individual for life, give an excuse to waste untold thousands of dollars you can't afford on cake your fat friends don't really need to eat, drink mass quantities of alcohol your liver really doesn't need to process, and provide your friends a venue where they might hook up with some sweet thing they can spend all night lying to.

Marriage is the promise between two people, regardless of sexual preference, to dedicate their total love and the rest of their lives to each other, come what may.  If you had the ability to marry without a piece of paper proving it, would you?  Does the paper prove your love, or do you?

Marriage or matrimony?  If you're not a theist, then marriage would seem to fit.  Get a prenup and a license.  If it doesn't work out, hey, no harm no foul, right?  After all, non-theists are more intelligent, so they would have us think.  Wanna bet who has the highest divorce percentage?  We might have to manipulate the numbers a bit.

I leave you with a final thought:

"Still it is true that many same sex couples want nothing more than to join society as fully integrated socially responsible family-centered taxpaying Little League-coaching nation-serving respectably married citizens.  So why not welcome them in?  Why not recruit them by the vanload to sweep in on heroic wings and save the flagging and battered old institution of matrimony from a bunch of apathetic ne'er-do-well heterosexual deadbeats like me?"

-- Elizabeth Gilbert, Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage

Note:  As always, even the Sunday sermon are just thoughts to provoke response.  If the response is nothing more than it made someone think, then this has been a good day.  Feel free to discuss your views and offer others an equal chance to respond.  A day without thinking is a day comatose.  Wake up! My wishes and prayer that all of you have another glorious Sunday in paradise!