My Sunday Thought for 081918: No Way to Die

"I’m lonely. And I’m lonely in some horribly deep way and for a flash of an instant, I can see just how lonely, and how deep this feeling runs. And it scares the shit out of me to be this lonely because it seems catastrophic."

-- Augusten Burroughs, author

I don't have a fear of many things.  Spiders creep me out and I give poisonous snakes a wide berth.  Heights don't bother me as long as I have a solid foundation around me, or a trustworthy plane, and jumping out of a perfectly good plane is not even a consideration.  I don't wish to die, just yet, but I don't fear it; death is simply a doorway to the next great adventure.  So, when people ask me what I fear more than anything else... I fear dying alone.  Dying alone is no way for anyone to die.

Being popular doesn't mean you won't die alone.  You can be as popular as the pope and sill find yourself pinned under some rock, alone, in an empty desert.  You can be loved by your significant other and still find yourself pinned by that same damned rock.  If I'm going to die in some wasteland, pinned by that rock, I'd still want to hold the hand of anyone who can pass on my last words, tell people I loved them to the last, and ensure my mortal remains are recovered and not left to become some coyote's dried out turd.

Lets not get comfortable with your idea of just not going alone into a desert.  Many people get lost and pinned down in that wasteland they call a mind; it can be just as deadly, and more insidious.  The mind isn't just a horrible thing to waste, it can also be just plain horrible.

Keep in mind that to avoid loneliness, many people need both a social circle and an intimate attachment. Having just one of two may still leave you feeling lonely.

-- Gretchen Rubin, author, blogger, speaker

How do I recognize "dying alone" as my greatest fear?  Well, when I dwell on it, for even a short length of time, I feel a welling up of sadness within myself.  So, I try not to think about it.  But, even so, occasionally it manages to invade my thoughts.  People were just not made to be alone; it is not our nature.  We are social animals and, if necessary, we can be content to socialize with animals but, even in this contentment we also crave an intimate familiarity of someone in our lives; the cat curled at our feet, the dog meeting us at the door, some modicum of love, some outward evidence of deep friendship in our life which doesn't, necessarily, rely on sex as an adhesive.

Many of us put far too much stock in deep, meaningful, sexual relationships.  It seems like they see the sex as evidence they have found safe harbor, a "love" in which to lose their loneliness in an, otherwise, stormy life journey.  They feel betrayed when they find the "safe harbor" is simply a shallow facade covering more sharp reefs and rocky shoals.  There is really no such thing as a deeply meaningful sexual relationship.  Deeply meaningful relationships are based on so much more than the cheesy prize at the bottom of your Cracker Jacks.  

I think it's a difficult concept, for some, to find a meaningful friendship and accept sex as simply a shared experience.  I also think there is much to be said for the idea of "friends with benefits," especially if a lifelong commitment to something more seems to constantly escape or evade one's grasp.  A meaningful friendship becomes even more acceptable when one realizes  they don't really know what they're looking for, much less where to begin their search, and the "why" of it all is even less clear or accessible.  We soon become weary of the search, more so as we get older, and are willing to "settle" as a way to feel some sense of normalcy, if just for a short while.  We, in essence, build for ourselves a safe harbor.  At this point our safe harbor also includes a fortress to guard our harbor entrance, with large bore cannons lined along the battlements for protection against those with less than honorable intentions.

"Love is something far more than desire for sexual intercourse; it is the principal means of escape from the loneliness which afflicts most men and women throughout the greater part of their lives."

-- Bertrand Russell (1872-1970), Nobel laureate, philosopher, historian

My own fear of dying alone is contrary to my own admission of being much of a loner in my life.  Not that I have been "alone," per se, but I have preferred it over the drama which accompanies relationships with people who I have always found come replete with, less than honest, personal agendas and other such baggage.  Unlike the true loner, I still find comfort in the friendship and company of others.  I always found this dichotomy difficult to explain before I read something so simple and obvious I laughed at myself for not seeing it right off. The beautiful actress, Audrey Hepburn, once said, "I don't want to be alone, I want to be left alone."  As I get older, however, my desire for being left alone has been tempered by my fear of dying there.

Writer Jodi Picoult says, "If you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it’s not because they enjoy solitude. It’s because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them."  She is right, and wrong.  I happen to enjoy my times of solitude.  I like being with my own thoughts.  But, I would never think of bringing someone with me to the abyss, even those who disappointed me in my past when I wished I could "blend" into their world.  In the world I discovered, I learned not to judge these people too harshly; without them I would have never discovered my true path.  I think I feel sympathy, more than anything else, for the fact that most of them don't even have a clue of what they did, or that I existed.

"I had already found that it was not good to be alone, and so made companionship with what there was around me, sometimes with the universe and sometimes with my own insignificant self..."

-- Joshua Slocum (1844-1909), first to solo circumnavigate the world

I came to terms with solitude and decided alone was no way to die; the very thought frightens me unto that very death.  I have made many friends, found few people I have disliked, and made peace with myself over the one person in my life I can say I truly hated.  Hatred will not rule me, not at the expense of being alone; I have learned to forgive.

I saved myself with more good decisions than bad, with a good work ethic which molded my self-respect, and with the help of dear friends, the number of which can be counted on one hand.  I discovered that true happiness can only be found within each of us and, once embraced, that happiness could be extended to others.  And what did I find to be the most important outcome from all of this?  I can be alone and not be alone.  Even in my times of solitude, I take comfort in knowing I am loved by others and, one day, I will be missed.

I you look upon your life and find a wasteland, your circumstance is your choice.  Being alone is being a victim, and being a victim is a choice.  As much as we'd like to blame statues, or flags, or other people for our being a victims, it is all blame poorly placed so we can avoid embracing the one true reality of our own lack of self-respect.  Stand up and stop pointing fingers, stop hating, stop judging and start being tolerant and loving.  Don't keep letting people make you feel like a victim.  Have self-respect and you'll be alone because you choose to be, not because you have to.  

We need to remember that, sometimes, having a friend to love can be more satisfying than having a lover who isn't a friend.

Being truly and completely alone is no way to die.

"We are all alone, born alone, die alone, and—in spite of True Romance magazines—we shall all someday look back on our lives and see that, in spite of our company, we were alone the whole way. I do not say lonely—at least, not all the time—but essentially, and finally, alone. This is what makes your self-respect so important, and I don't see how you can respect yourself if you must look in the hearts and minds of others for your happiness."

-- Hunter S. Thompson (1937-2005), author, "gonzo" journalist

Editor's Note

(Re: disclaimer cum "get out of jail free" card)

Before you go getting your panties in a bunch, it is essential to understand that this is just an opinion site and, as such, can be subjected to scrutiny by anyone with a differing opinion. It doesn't make either opinion any more right or wrong than the other. An opinion, presented in this context, is a way of inciting others to think and, hopefully, to form opinions of their own, if they haven't already done so. This is also why, occasionally, I will present an "opinion" just to stir an emotional pot. Where it may sound like I agree with the statements made, I'm more interested in getting others to consider an alternate viewpoint. 

It is my fervent hope that we keep open and active minds when reading opinions and while engaging in peaceful and constructive discussion, in an arena of mutual respect, concerning those opinions put forth. After over twenty years with military intelligence, I have come to believe engaging each other in this manner and in this arena is the way we will learn tolerance and respect for differing beliefs, cultures, and viewpoints.

We all fall from grace, some more often than others; it is part of being human. God's test for us is what we learn from the experience, and what we do afterward.

Pastor Tony spent 22 years with United States Air Force Intelligence as a planner, analyst, briefer, instructor, and senior manager. He spent 17 years, following his service career, working with the premier, world renowned, Institutional Review Board helping to protect the rights of human subjects involved in pharmaceutical research. Ordained 1n 2013 as an "interfaith" minister, he founded the Congregation for Religious Tolerance in response to intolerance shown by Christians toward peaceful Islam. As the weapon for his war on intolerance he chose the pen, and wages his "battle" in the guise of the Congregation's official online blog, The Path, of which he is both author and editor. "The Path" offers a vehicle for commentary and guidance concerning one's own personal, spiritual, path toward peace and the final destination for us all. He currently resides in Pass Christian, Mississippi, where he volunteers as lead Chaplain and Chaplain Program Liaison, at the regional medical center.